My first job has me so stressed out I don’t even want to go and I’m tempted to give the keys back and say I’m not going to open in the mornings anymore but I probably won’t do that just yet. It feels like I’m going to get fired they have been getting pissed at me over a lot of little things and this time it’s major (to them) and they are highly pissed. 1. There’s 3 people here, two owners and me, their only employee. 2. From day 1 they have operated under the policy that I don’t need to know anything until I’m […]
I’ve lived on the edge my whole life. Never had any stability, never had any sense of security, never felt like there was a tomorrow. I’ll be 38 next month and I’m just so, so tired.
I barely survive week to week. I’ve barely had money to eat when both my jobs won’t/can’t give me the hours I need. I work 12 hour days that add up to only 4-6 hours of pay in total. But that’s not my point. It’s just never getting ahead, never being able to save anything, never moving forward.
My biggest fear is that the man I love really wants to move […]
My life doesn’t matter. I’m the ugliest person in the world so I don’t matter for shit. Guys have their fucking choice to cherry pick from the entire population of the earth and if you’re born with a vagina and don’t have the body frame to ever weigh 80 lbs as an adult, you might as well fucking kill yourself because no man will ever choose you.
I had a great heart to heart talk again with the guy I love last night. It’s never totally serious which is nice. There’s jokes here and there and he does try to be as kind as possible. He says it’s a big cosmic joke, the universe is just fucking with us and saying fuck you both because he just can never feel that way for me or be attracted to me no matter what but I’m the closest person he’s ever had, that we get along the best, and he trusts me more than he’s ever trusted anyone. He started it, I forget what […]
I’m axious about life in general. Not in a bad way so much as, I never in a million years thought I would live this long! I grew up thinking I’d be dead by 20. I had a kid that I gave up in a private adoption at that point. Tomorrow is her 17th burthday. One more year and it’s legal to have contact, that is, if we find each other. I never thought I’d be alive when she turns 18. Which means I have to survive another year. I can’t believe I’m still alive on this day to see her 17th birthday arrive. She […]
I heard from an old friend again yesterday. He’s this 20 year old kid who has a hard time dealing with life and figuring out what he wants and who he is. I’ve known him since he was 16 but never met in person because he lives way too far away. He looks up to me for advice and such but he will talk to me for a few days then disappear for months on end, leaving me to feel like I can’t rely on him coz he’s just a kid. He waited until he was 18 to tell me that he liked me and […]
Sorry for posting again. Slow day at work. Just saw him repost more meme about love/sex/etc. and that one that says “masterbation keeps you from fucking the wrong person” and that really fucking cuts like a knife down to my soul! I don’t think I’m the wrong person or bad for him at all as much as I do to show I truly care!!!!!
I feel dead, physically, being so tired, can barely stay awake, and being in so much pain that I can barely move. I fear losing my jobs even though my bosses of one job work in another location from me now, but I know I’m dozing off all the time. It takes 2 muscle relaxers now to get any effect, and I’ve barely touched them. Remember, I asked for the rx to kill myself initially, but since I’m not just yet, I’ve used them sparingly. My back hurts worse than ever, my legs hurt like hell, my knees hurt like hell, the bottoms of my […]
Sitting at work and having it hit me, how can I be so disgusting, so gross, so untouchable? Just thinking of things I can’t really get in to here, but of course it concerns the guy I love. Why’d he ask me long ago if I could be friends with benefits if the thought of the slightest touch of me is so gross and disgusting? And why in the hell do I have to be the ugliest person in the world? Why couldn’t it be someone else?!! What the fuck did I do to deserve being so fucking gross and ugly?!?
But also, I think I […]
Just have to quickly rant about this. So I go through twitter for my job to find stuff to copy and tweet out for clients and I came across this bullshit story of how you can be a billionaire if you just work hard enough at it and want it bad enough. Of course it’s cis het white guy who got rich because he married rich. Yeah, that was his big break. He was born poor but he married a woman who’s family owned a big company. So he made something more out of that company. See, there’s the lie. You can work your ass […]
I’m so lonely and confused about where to go from here. I had started chanting (Nam myoho renge kyo) and although I can’t stick to routines, it really cured me of feeling suicidal and I don’t have that drive anymore. But I don’t know what to do. My life is so empty without my best friend around. I love him more than anything in the universe, more than words could ever express, and he doesn’t feel it because a) I’m fat, b) I’m an introvert, and c) I’ve been living as a guy. I told him that being fat is really an advantage in that […]
Yeah, I’ve been feeling that way lately. I’m afraid of getting kicked out of the place I just moved in to. Reasons? I know I’m renting from a neat freak and I’m not really filthy but I don’t have the energy to keep it looking like Merry Maids are on call either. I did something dumb that made a mess and now a rug needs washed, and I don’t have the energy to spend 4 hours after work on the slow washer & dryer in the basement. I feel like I shouldn’t be doing stupid shit like that and somehow, even though most […]
This just came to mind again. The other day, my mom contacted me again. It’s been a long time. I guess she only contacts me to tell me her woes. Several months ago was the first time she contacted me in over a year, since my grandma died. Then, she only wanted to tell me her husband died too and her last German Shepherd had to be put down. Then silence. Then out of nowhere, a few texts at 4am the other day, to tell me her last dog (that I knew) has cancer, and then to tell me she recently adopted 2 other adult […]
This past weekend seemed miserable much of the time but later last night i had another good moment and talk with the guy I love. Im trying not to takke it personally. So he doesnt believe I’m really attracted to him because I’m the only person who is and he feels shitty about himself for being fat. He has a lot against being fat, and is stuck on society’s opinions of stick thin equals beauty. So he showed me pictures of himself when he was 200 lbs vs being 290-300 as I’ve known him. He does look a bit different but hes still amazingly gorgeous […]
What a funny night. An ex of mine is the gayest guy who doesn’t know he’s gay. He dumped me for this girl who has facial hair and a unibrow, married her and they started having kids right away. He talks and acts like you would swear he is gay. His profile picture is a gay pride flag. Oh god, haha, some day he will realize he’s gay. And the dudes who were in line with me and my dream guy that e day I met him are a couple?!? Wow! My dream guy gave them tattoos and the dudes stiffed him for payment. But […]
Why was I made to be the ugliest person on earth and to be tortured with knowing the love of my life who I can never be close to because I’m too ugly???
This is going to sound insane, like I’ve lost my mind, or like I’m a real idiot or someone who hasn’t been honest here, but I have been.
So I found a place to live for the next 7 months, provided my work keeps up and I can pay for it. I don’t have a bed though, so I’m on the couch. I’d like to be able to have a bed in my own room though.
Anyway, I’ve been through some real hell with the guy I like blowing up at me when I try to talk about how I feel, which is that the terminology he […]
So I found a place to live, in an LGBT household and I know I’ll have support here but I feel so empty and painfully alone because I lost my best and closest friend in the sense that he truly doesn’t give a fuck how I feel, refuses to listen to how I feel and will cut me out of his life if I say how I feel, shits all over my feelings and acts like I don’t exist and we were never as close as we were and constantly pushes me away and trivialize my feelings and barely says anything to me […]
Why did I even fucking keep trying to find a place to live because now I do have some place to go and I’m just going to disappoint more people when I kill myself in the near future! Now it’s back to being him more than my being homeless. I can’t even talk to him without him finding some way to push me away and dig the knife in deeper like he wants to fucking hurt me all the time!! He can’t just leave it alone and be my friend. he has to constantly push me away and dismiss my feelings as not real and […]
I’ve been reminded on facebook that it’s been 20 years since high school… This is me with all the co-founders of the first nonprofit I worked with. 20 years ago to this day our nonprofit became official. (I’m the goth one all in black in front)
In the 20 years since…. I only regret not paying attention. As a kid, I firmly believed I’d be dead by age 20 so I never really took my life seriously. *sigh*