Yeah, I’ve been feeling that way lately. I’m afraid of getting kicked out of the place I just moved in to. Reasons? I know I’m renting from a neat freak and I’m not really filthy but I don’t have the energy to keep it looking like Merry Maids are on call either. I did something dumb that made a mess and now a rug needs washed, and I don’t have the energy to spend 4 hours after work on the slow washer & dryer in the basement. I feel like I shouldn’t be doing stupid shit like that and somehow, even though most adults have fun as much as possible, I feel like I’m supposed to be a straight laced stick in the mud and be fully responsible and together at all times. Things have always come down harder on me. Others are allowed to have fun, cut loose, do dumb shit, slack off, screw up, etc. But in my life, I can do none of those things. There’s a higher standard and strict rule of perfection and seriousness that applies to me only. And I expect everyone to enforce this on me. That is why I really wanted to live alone, so I could finally have the space to just be me. And I feel like I’ve been far too comfortable and acted far too much like myself in this new place already, so I am blowing it and pissing them off, and I’m going to get yelled at soon and told to shape up or else get out. That is just how I feel. And it’s worse that I’m a package deal, because I have my best friend over every weekend since he’s been living in BFE, weekends are all we have. I wanted my own place but I don’t have the credit for it. If I had my own place, my love (is best friend) would have his own keys and could stay as much as he wants. If I had my own place, I could be stupid and we could keep crossing those lines and there’d be no one to get pissed at us for doing adult things. I just feel like such a fuck up because I prioritize the one I love and having fun in life when I know I’m expected to be serious, straight laced and responsible. Life isn’t about goofing off, relaxing, having fun, or chasing sex or love for me. I’m supposed to be the responsible one. That’s the story of my life. And I fail at it all the time because I do chase love, fun, and other good feelings. I know I’m not supposed to. I’m scared as hell it’s going to get me kicked out. They’ve given no indication yet that I’m on thin ice, but I FEEL like it because I KNOW what’s expected of me in this world. Fun, love, excitement, etc. isn’t for me. Stop being stupid and immature and be the stiff, boring, responsible, parenting everyone else’s behavior stick in the mud you’re expected to be!!!
*sigh* 🙁
5 comments
Your not a fuck up! I can’t stand neat freaks! Makes ya feel like you gotta walk on pens in needles. Neat freaks always put things over human beings. If there’s dirt on the floor, your not a human being worthy to have your needs fulfilled unless you clean it up. How fucked up is that?
Plus what many people don’t freaking understand, I know from personal experience, is when your so depressed and hopless or anxious – ITS NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO CLEAN UP! it’s too damn overwhelming.
I do clean up after myself, just not obsessively, and not to the point that it means HOURS of work on top of my LONG 5am-6pm days.
Hours of work on the house is rediculas for them to request. Holy crap! Does others work too or do they just make you?
No, but this would take hours, because the washing machine and dryer in the basement literally take about 2 hours a piece to run. I don’t want to spend 4 hours in the basement after work. It makes me tempted to find another rug in the dollar store and be done with it. But yes, I have lived with someone before who did expect me to not sleep at night ad instead clean up after her and her two kids.
Sorry you whet though that. Life is too short and misrable to spend it cleaning to perfection