Author

drowninginloneliness

Disorderly attached

by drowninginloneliness 4/5/2013

written by drowninginloneliness

Hi suicide project people.

I haven’t written in awhile. I have since my last post, given in to taking medication,Â andÂ got a new therapist. I amÂ spendingÂ a lot of money on therapy and psych appointments and medication. I am still depressed. Still lonely. AndÂ theÂ only person that makes me feel better (a little) is not really interested in getting to know me. I am disorderly attached to someone at work, basically.

I have alreadyÂ expressedÂ to this person that I’d like to get to know them outsideÂ ofÂ workÂ andÂ they sort of skirted around giving me an answer. They are nice tome Â at work, but then when I leave work I dwell on whether or […]

4/5/2013 36 comments

I quit

by drowninginloneliness 1/31/2013

written by drowninginloneliness

I just want to kill myself. I am worthless.

1/31/2013 2 comments

I am

by drowninginloneliness 12/17/2012

written by drowninginloneliness

I am ready

I am ready to accept

I am white chocolate

I am a delicate doll

I am a ninja

I am the sum of my being

I am a shining star

I am a shard of glass

I am the echo in your ear

I am not who you say I am

I am sad on cloudy days

I am the one who loves you

I am a believer in hope

I am a follower of Christ

I am a person

Not that much different than you

I am present in this moment

I am

12/17/2012 4 comments

Just Feel Like Crap

by drowninginloneliness 12/5/2012

written by drowninginloneliness

I just feel like crap for no reason. Work is draining. I met a guy who I like and then found out he has as many problems as I do. I told him about how I’m suicidal and I cut sometimes, and he didn’t run away…. but he told me all about his problems too. We are two lonely and depressed people with issues. Now sure how that works out? Maybe it does? Maybe it doesn’t? I can’t handle my own crap, let alone thinking about someone else’s. Now I am not sure what I want to do.

I am starting to meet some people where […]

12/5/2012 2 comments

I just want to know that someone cares

by drowninginloneliness 11/9/2012

written by drowninginloneliness

That’s all. I just want anyone, someone to care. I don’t think I can feel like this much longer and stillÂ persevere.Â I don’t feel like anyone cares. Most days I just hope that someone asks me how I am, or offers a hug. I am usually disappointed. I feel so lonely I think I would consider jumping in front of a car, that is how awful I feel. I feel that the world would be better off without me, and that nobody would care or notice if I died.

11/9/2012 7 comments

I want to cry but no tears come

by drowninginloneliness 10/24/2012

written by drowninginloneliness

Today I was cursed out and yelled at very aggressively by a client. For some reason that set me off today. It usually does not upset me like it did today… but I just don’t want to keep living. I’m invisible to everyone around me at work. They are happy if I get my work done. I want to to cry, and no tears come. I’ve been e-mailing and calling friends for support… but that only helps so much, then I end up back on here again typing about feeling suicidal, depressed, exhausted, etc. I feel alone. I wait on pins and needles for an […]

10/24/2012 4 comments

I feel worse

by drowninginloneliness 10/21/2012

written by drowninginloneliness

So I cut last night after not cutting for a long time. I feel worse for giving in to wanting to cut. I am not a regular cutter or anything, and I don’t want to get addicted to cutting, besides as it is I am going to have to wear long sleeves to work all week.

I’m just drained, tired, and want to quit. I need a therapist and or a really good friend. Probably both. I have a doctor appointment this week and I am going to try and convince myself to own up to my depression so I can get a referral for a […]

10/21/2012 6 comments

Drowning

by drowninginloneliness 10/16/2012

written by drowninginloneliness

I think I’m drowning myself. I keep pushing myself backward. Every time I shove myself forward four steps, I fall backwards nine. I convince myself to do something and all I see in myself in the mirror is self-hate. I went out to a prayer group tonight, and by the end of the group I was already back to hating on myself. I have no self-esteem. I think I am worth nothing. I don’t want to exist anymore. There are moments when I think that maybe I shouldn’t kill myself, but mostly I just want to end my life. Then I come on SP and […]

10/16/2012 2 comments

Tonight Is Another One of “Those Nights”

by drowninginloneliness 10/8/2012

written by drowninginloneliness

Tonight is another one of those nights that I just really want to end my pain. It doesn’t help that it is gross outside… like gray and cold and shit. I am always affected by the weather… probably have that SAD Seasonal Affective Disorder thing.

I tried pulling myself out, by attempting to pretend that i am taking care of myself. I even bought groceries today, and I am chronic meal skipper. I got a haircut too, and I still feel the same. It is like I am trying to force myself to feel better, convince myself I am not a screw-up. Even though I know […]

10/8/2012 9 comments

I feel stupid

by drowninginloneliness 10/3/2012

written by drowninginloneliness

I was supposed to log some medicine in before I left work. Â I hadn’t done it, because I thought someone else was doing it. I called work back, and my mood instantlyÂ down-spiraledÂ when I was on the phone with my boss who clearly sounds disappointed. She said I’d have to talk to my direct supervisor about it tomorrow, who had to stay to finish it.Â ObviouslyÂ I screwed up on this one. Granted I don’t think this is the end-of-the-world mistake, but I still feel stupid. I try and convince myself all the time that I am not stupid, and I just keep coming up with reasons for […]

10/3/2012 1 comment

Obsessed with obtaining reassurance

by drowninginloneliness 10/2/2012

written by drowninginloneliness

I am finding myself obsessed with obtaining reassurance from other people that I am worth it, and that I am worth more alive than dead. Â I can’t seem to function on my own. I always look to another person for my own confidence… usually a friend, or someone I newly met. Of course the ironic thing is that I can’t gain confidence from other people, and I know that already. Also terrible, is that I usually latch onto someone else when I am at my weakest. What generally happens is that they panic and back away because I latch on too tightly. I don’t know […]

10/2/2012 1 comment

I just want to not be lonely

by drowninginloneliness 9/25/2012

written by drowninginloneliness

Basically I feel like I want to die most days. Some days I am ok, but I am a very depressed person, I let my depression consume me. I really need some anti-depressants, but I am still waiting for my health insurance to kick-in so I can see a psychiatrist. I believe in God, but I don’t understand why I feel bad enough to want to kill myself. I’ve been thinking about killing myself for years but something always stops me. I don’t think I will actually kill myself, but I have thought about how I would do it.
I am currently living in Philly, […]

9/25/2012 11 comments