I’ve been diagnosed with Autism, probably Aspergers syndrome, two weeks ago. I had an evaluation meeting and they told me that I have that. I was completely in panic, because since november last year, I constantly hear: yeah, you do have autism (pdd-nos), no you don’t have autism, you maybe have autism. So, I was like: Do I have autism, yes or no? I want clearity now! But I didn’t tell them, because I had the plan to tell that at the evaluation, but before Icould say that, they already told me I DO have autism, and probably aspergers syndrome, but that doesn’t matter anymore […]
I few days ago I had a meeting with my doctor an psychiatrist, and my doctor was like: “Oh, and ofcourse next week thursday is your leaving date.” Just in middle of the conversation, and I was like: “What??!! O.o” because it wasn’t the plan, we would discuss about what next, staying longer in the psychiatric hospital or getting therapy, on next week tuesday, and he already made a discision, which he would not change clearly. They had the plan to send me home with no therapy, while I still need help, and I wrote a poem about it, because I waa really confused […]
I hate my doctor at the therapy. He really thinks he understands me completely. Actually he doesn’t. He was like, when you feel you need to cut, go to your therapists or your parents. Could you make that promiss with me? He really doesn’t understand. I tried to explain, but still he doesn’t understand that I’m too scared to do that, and that I’m in a kind of trance when I cut. It’s really frustrating when people think they understand you, but actually they don’t.
Today I packed my bags, because on monday I’m going in 24/7 therapy. I really hope this therapy will finally work… But I’m also really terrified. I hope I’m able to write some posts on here, because there’s not much ability to get on the internet. Wish me luck guys…
I know, haven’t been op SP for a long time. Things doesn’t really changed. Monday I’ll have my intake for the 24/7 therapy. And I’ve been cutting the last time a lot more and deeper. I really hate this world, my life. It’s so fucked up. I really wished that I had a deadly car accideng or so. But, I hope I’ll be more on SP the next time, because it really helps me. A next post will come soon.
A week ago I had an intake with another mental health institution, because the therapy I have now at the moment won’t help me (the therapists told me after 6 months) and will end in a few weeks. Now I have therapy 5 days in a week from 9 am till 3 pm. The conclusion of the intake was that they think that a 24/7 therapy will help, but there’s a waiting list of 9 months for -.- . So they had the plan to observate me first, also 24/7, but another therapy. So in a few weeks I’ll have my intake for that 24/7 […]
I wrote a poem about what bullying did to me, what kind of effect it had on me. How it felt for me. Like the part that they took away my childhood. This poem has a lot of meanings for me, it’s really special.
You stole my heart,
you stole my mind.
You stole my happiness,
you stole my love.
You took away everything I had,
and now I’m broken,
bruised and scarred.
You’re a thief,
you’re a criminal.
But you won’t hurt me again,
’cause I’ve got a thicker skin.
I’m stronger and braver.
But you stole the little girl inside of me…
Written […]
Last week I had a nightmare about killing myself. Seemed like strangle was the best option. I saw in my dream how I put a tie-wrap on my neck and how I tighted it. When I woke up, it felt like my neck was pinched. I couldn’t breathe well and swallow was also difficult. I haven’t told anyone about my dream. The whole week I was thinking about committing suicide and I really had the urge to do it. Also I had the urge to strangle myself. Last week I had several times that I had that urge and that I wrapped my hands around […]
Today felt like a rollercoaster for me. my day started pretty good, yeah I had some troubles with waking up and getting out of bed, but that’s quite normal for me. I was at time for my therapy. I have 5 days a week therapy from 9 am till 3 pm. Well, also that started prettu good, until the section visual arts. We had to draw the vulnerable side of ourselfs. I became very emotional of my drawing (I was drawing the word ‘trust’ with the first t as a cross) and when we were done, we had to say what you’ve had drawn and […]
Trust.
Just 5 letters.
A simple word.
But it’s not quite simple to trust.
I can’t trust anyone, even not myself.
I will never trust people for 100%.
Actually, I always had effort with trusting people, but after the times people used and harmed my trust so many times, I know I’ll never trust people for 100%. I never trusted people very quickly, but after everything that happened, it’s a miracle when I trust someone a little bit.
Trust is a word I don’t really like to hear.
It’s a word that’s much more difficult than you would think.
Does trust actually exists??
I’m done… Just wished I had a gun right now, so I could kill myself. I hate my life. I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE!!!
I’m NOT happy, I never was and I’ll never be. My parents don’t understand me, they only make me feel more worthless and lonely, like I’m a piece of trash, a mistake. Constantly have arguments with them because they don’t understand me. Therapy doesn’t work, medications doesn’t work. I’m just desperate… Don’t know what to do anymore. The only way out I see is killing myself, and actually it’s a pretty good option for me I guess. What’s life worth when […]
I start to realize more and more that I’ll never be happy. Also IF therapy I get now WILL work, I’m not happy. Because the thing that makes me happy, also makes me really unhappy, and if I’m unhappy and down, I want to be happy, do the thing that makes me happy, but I also get more unhappy. The unhappiness also stays longer than the happiness, which is also not really happy, but happier than the unhappiness. Hope you guys still follow me ;P. It’s a little bit difficult, also to explain. Maybe this poem will help me to explain it better:
~My outside is […]
The thing I felt in the beginning was the control I had. Finally I found something where I, only I, had the control on. But now, after more than 1 year, I still do that thing, but it doesn’t give me control anymore. Actually I have totally no control on it. But still I’m doing it, because it gives me a good feeling. For a few seconds. Fight after fight, a battle with myself, got no control on it. It’s was the main reason why I was cutting in the begin. But now it’s not the reason anymore, because there’s no control anymore while cutting. […]
Just a poem I’ve written a few days ago. I’ve written it because I can’t trust anyone and nobody understands it because it’s almost normal for those people, so I had to write it down in a poem to express my feelings.
~ Trust is something that everyone needs,
but how can you trust people when they’ve harmed the trust you’ve had in people so many times?
How can you trust people when you even can’t trust yourself?
How can you trust people when you are constantly afraid they will leave you?
How can you have trust in people when you realize it’s unpossible to […]
Just told my ex, that’s also my best friend, that I’ve lied to him. Luckily he wasn’t mad at me, actually, he understood it. I was really glad with that. But the thing I really wanted was not saying it to my ex. That I shouldn’t done it, because I never lied to him. That’s what I really wanted, but it’s not the truth. I have so much regret of all the times I lied to him, my parents or anyone else that’s close to me. I have lied so much that it almost felt like my life was a lie. I’m trying to lie […]
I constantly ask myself: “Why can’t I just be normal?” I mean, I can’t go to school, but normal people can. I can’t call to someone, normal people can. I’m afraid to be outside alone or in the dark, normal people aren’t afraid for that. There are so many things that I wish that they were the same as ‘normal’ people. But probably I can’t be normal, but it’s hard for me to accept that…
This morning I woke up and I was so happy (NOT-.-) because it was Easter. I was half awake looked out the windows when I was downstairs and I saw snow. Snow?? No that’s not possible. I mean snow is already a miracle in The Netherlands if we have it in the winter, but on 31 march?? No, not possible. Somebody was joking on me, with a machine that makes snow, but when i saw that it was also high in the air slowly falling down I realized this was no joke. When I realized that, I got totally crazy, because I thought I was […]
I always tried to forget my past, but the last few days I constantly see a image/video in my head. It shows me one of the days I was physically bullied and it was really horrible. I wish that I wouldn’t have to remember it, but that picture sticks in my head. It really scares me, and also hurts me. Like someone’s stucking a knife in my belly and in my heart. I can’t tell it anyone, because it’s too difficult for me to talk about it, so I’m glad I can share it here. I really don’t know what to do to get it […]
I wrote a poem today. About all the misunderstoodment about how I look like and how I really feel. My therapists don’t understand me, I explained it so many times. They keep saying that I don’t have a mask and that it’s the real me how I act, but that I think it’s a mask. Yeah right, so I have feeling so depressed for so many times, but acted like I was happy, but my therapists tell me that I really was happy in that time. So they tell my that I haven’t felt suicidal and depressed? How can they know what I feel?
Here’s the […]