Today I really tended and had the urge to cut myself and to plan my suicide. I felt really terrible today. It started this morning, the thoughts of don’t want to live anymore. I had to find out what the methods are to kill yourself. I had to, just to feel calmer. I searched on the internet and found a list with success rates. It made me happy and calm. It gaves me safety. I was thinking about what method I will do first. Lots of the methods were really painful or really hard to do. Like using a gun. How would I ever get […]
Blinded, can’t see.
Blinded with a blindfold.
Deaf, can’t hear.
Deafened by the silence.
Handicapped, can’t move.
Handicapped by my knife.
Scared, can’t live.
Scared because people ruined my life.
They ruined it, but they don’t realize.
They don’t know what effect it has.
Depressed, suicidal, self-harmed, scared, unable to live, marked for life.
They fucking don’t realize what I’m going through!
They fucking don’t realize that they were wrong!
But they were and I will never forgive them,
Because they ruined my life.
Today I had a conversation with my psychiatrist and my parents about medication. Because only therapy doesn’t work for me, they decided to start with medication despite of the side effects it could have for me. But taking that decision is much easier than searching for the right medication. An antidepressant would take too much risk, because my father is bipolar and they were afraid that I would get stucked in the vicious circle of bipolar. Also other side effects influenced the fact that an antidepressant wasn’t a good option for now. So my psychiatrist went looking for sleep medication. She could only give me […]
Boot777 asked me what my main problems are that cause my suicidal thoughts. I decided to make a post of it, so here it is. Well, there isn’t really one problem you can point at that causes the suicidal thoughts. Actually, there are a lot of things that cause them. I am not telling you all of them, because probably I’ll forget one or two and that’s going to be bored, so I’m going to tell the important one’s (I guess). I’ve been bullied from my fourth untill now. The worst part was at age of 11, 12 I guess. I was at elemntary school […]
I’m desperate. I don’t want to anymore. Please, God, I’m begging you, make sure I will die accidently. Let there be a strong wind, when I’m standing at the platform waiting for my train, so I’ll fall off the platform onto the rails and the train will drive over me and I’ll be dead. Or let my bus get a serious accident I won’t survive. Do something, God, I’m begging you. Kill me, it’s the only way to save me from myself. Please, God, make sure I’ll die…
~ What if there’s only one way out?
One way to feel better,
one way to love myself.
Today.
21 january.
One year.
One year of self-harm.
One year of cuts.
21 january.
21 january 2012.
The day.
The day I started cutting.
Cutting on my hands.
Cutting on my feet.
Cutting on my hips.
Cutting on my belly.
Cutting on my lower arms.
Cutting on my wrists.
Cutting on my chest.
I can remember that day as yesterday. Saturday 21 january 2012. I grabbed a scissors and started to scrape and scrape on my hand until there was a little scar with a very little bit of blood. I did it, couldn’t go back. Well, it doesn’t matter, right? It was just […]
A while ago I read something about The Butterfly Project. It’s a project to help self-harmers to stop with self-harm. I wanted to share this with the people here, so I decided to make a post with the rules and how to. I am also a cutter for exactly one year now. I really want to join this project one day, but I feel I’m not ready for it yet.
The Butterfly Project
The Rules:
1. When you feel like you want to cut, take a marker, pen, or sharpies and draw a butterfly on the place you want to cut.
2. Name the butterfly after […]
I had a really tough day today. Why? I just can’t explain, but I really didn’t feel good. It was so worse that I kept my mouth shut a big part of the evening. My parents really didn’t liked it, they got very angry, but I didn’t mind. I had no idea why I didn’t want to talk. Maybe I thought it was better to shut my mouth so I couldn’t say anything wrong, but I don’t know it sure. I just had a though day. I know this post is shorter than normal, but I’m just so confused that I don’t know what to […]
Finally, weekend! I don’t quite know if I really like it or not, but it just sounds nice 😛 Today was a busy day for me, because I went to my grandma. I really didn’t want to, but after long talks with my parents I let myself be persuaded. We went by car, we never do that because she lives like 1,5 Miles away. The reason was that I am afraid to start cycling, because I haven’t in 2 months because of a knee injury. Still we stayed for only half an hour, I really didn’t liked it. All the questions from my grandma like: […]
Today sucks, I didn’t want to do anything. I hated to be at therapy today. But when one of the therapists got me out of the group, I knew my mood would get worse because of the talk. My mom had called to therapy because she was worried about me. I told her yesterday that I didn’t want to live anymore. So one of the therapists wanted to talk to me about that. I really got angry when she wanted me to say: “I want to die.” She knew that I wanted to die, because my mom told that to her. She had also said […]
Today sucks, I completely freaked out today and I was very angry. Angry on myself, on the world, on my sister, on my parents, on the stupid weather, on everything. But mostly on myself. Directly after or actually during my angerexplosion I went to my room, jumped into my bed and started to hit myself. On my wrists, my chest and my shin. After that I still were angry, so I decided I needed more pain. Grabbed my knife and started cutting. After a while I had stopped and my mother walked into my room. She asked some things and I had to cry… After […]
Why??!! Why??!! Why does everybody always say that I’m happy, and I’m funny and laughing and stuff?! Do they really don’t see that HUGE mask I wear most of the time??? It’s just so crazy. Today too, I was at the part-time therapy (monday till friday from 9am till 3pm) and the group and the therapists thought that I was happy and that everything was okay, and so on. And that while they know I wear often a mask and that it goes really bad with me right now. But how hard I tried, they wouldn’t believe me I’m feeling really bad and that all […]
This morning I looked outside and all I saw was snow. You may think: “Is that special?? O.o” Well, I can tell you: yes, it is. Because in The Netherlands we don’t really have severe winters or often snow. So when there is snow, it’s special. Especially when it’s like 6 inches, like today. I had to go to my part-time therapy (from 9 am till 3 pm every monday till friday) and luckily my father brought me. There was like more than 1000 kilometers of traffic jam, a new record! (on a normal tuesday in the morning it’s around 300 kilometers) and we also […]
Well, i thought it was time to introduce myself. I’m a girl, sixteen years and I’m from The Netherlands (Please don’t mind my spelling and grammar) . My nickname (Engeltje) is Dutch and it means (Little) Angel. I live in the area of Amsterdam (I guess most of you know Amsterdam :P) . I live with my parents and an older sister. So that’s the general part and now a part that goes about my life. Okay, I’ll try to keep it short, so I will only tell the most important things.
I don’t know how it goes in the USA, but in The Netherlands […]
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