heartlessviking

for the record, never found support for this, and I’ve been looking.

I was raised in high achievement culture. Put it this way, I only made friends with weirdos and outcasts, and most of the people I grew up around ended up pretty damn successful. I say all this to say I’m the runt of the litter, the black sheep who despite fine breeding and training still ended up almost useless.

And again; this is something I’ve never found another likewise afflicted. The pressure, to be something, somebody….. it’s unreal.

Today it hit me in the gut again, because once again I demonstrated my ability to adapt and […]

It’s that time of year, talked to my psychiatrist today. I’m at the point in my life I see him four times a year, on average for the past three. We don’t tinker alot with my loadout. You know what’s fun? Normally I’d be really paranoid talking about my loadout, but none of you know my actual name or anything about me, so I can go full bore.

[Addendum to security nuts. I know I can be traced by the truly determined. I write too much for that to be a particularly interesting task. Relative bulk is part of my strategy]

since few apart from me care […]

if there is one peculiar thing, it’s how celebrity suicides are handled. We were talking earlier about the note and the utility of framing your own death. Well Tom T. Hall didn’t leave a note. No one definitively knows why this 85 year old man killed himself.

In fact, it didn’t come out until well after that it even was a suicide. And that is the note that EVERY STORY ABOUT IT covers… OMG he was a country music legend, and isn’t it sad etc etc etc

Country music and depression go hand in hand in the United States, I don’t get how any country star dying […]

I’ve been trying to find a way to frame it and wrap my head around this whole thing. For me there are two critical spectrums in a job; ethics and compensation. Less ethics should equal greater compensation, seems like a given. More ethics, less compensation.

Except I’ve worked for some of the most morally bankrupt people…. and I’m broke…. it’s not like I had any kind of luxury lifestyle. And I can’t afford to work somewhere that I find morally rewarding anymore either.

It kind of built up for me, I watch a lot of movies where the main character is a hit man. Like, if that […]

k, things adjusted back the other way, and I feel relatively “normal” for me.

First, completely goobered the job fair sitch. I didn’t have the energy to push my wife to come with me, and then I was so wrecked I didn’t go either. She needs her resume, but we got in a sort of argument/discussion about how she really doesn’t know what she wants to do or who she is. I suggested therapy and meds, and she didn’t like those options. After all, they aren’t exactly “working” for me. IDK, I guess I’m still committed enough to going through the motions…. I’m trying. It doesn’t […]

First I want to recommend a game I’ve been playing that is amazing in how good it is at relaxing me. It’s called Dorfromantic and it’s on Steam. It was marketed to me as a puzzle game, which it is, but you’re putting together a landscape and how you do it changes every time. You complete certain goals, you get more tiles.

Anyway the dark side of that is that I’ve lost about five hours today playing it. I can barely remember…. it’s legit lost time. Is that a bad thing? I’ve also been wondering if there are diminishing returns on escapism, like there are only […]

Just got my desktop to work again, though it’s not at 100%, but the point is I’m starting to feel a bit less disconnected, that sort of scared that I might have to do without long term.

it’s like I always say; little steps. Make a bit of progress, be satisfied with it. The second part is the one I’m still working on

I know we don’t talk methods, but this here is a method that doesn’t kill, it just…. relocates. So my body is going to be all hell to try and kill. Lots of people are attached to it/would get upset if it wasn’t alive anymore.

I had this idea a few decades ago, but I didn’t have all the code for it. The idea of metacognition is to reprogram your own brain, and finally with a BS in psychology and computer science, I think I might just manage it.

The idea is to lift the back wall. Escape sanity, not life. I was just reviewing my music […]

a small part of me is happy that my anxiety was vindicated, hit a snag in the Desktop work… now I don’t have it, spent a whole day working my butt off, and nothing, not yet anyway. I’m not saying it’s a lost cause, just more than I can take on, and it hurts.

Which is that hollowed out feeling. I feel like a Jack=O-Lantern, outwardly I don’t look too bad. Inside….. rot, deep and expanding rot. I keep smiling because I know the time will come soon that I can’t. I keep working because I know my capacity is waning. It feels literally like I’m […]

Did you know Garfield was in fact a cynical cash grab on behalf of it’s creator? well now you do, he was an ad man and figured out that he could create a character people relate to by making it a cat who hates mondays.

On an only slightly more cheerful note, there’s a song called “I don’t like Mondays” that was released by the band Boomtown Rats. It tells the story of a young girl who decided to walk into her former school and did a mass shooting. When asked why she did what she did, she said; “I don’t like Mondays, I wanna shoot […]

I make no secret my disillusionment regarding mental healthcare in the United States, and I know from many of you that you’ve had a tough time getting good treatment as well.

With that in mind, a US senator has checked himself into the hospital for depression. Maybe it’s just interesting to political junkies like me, but I’m curious how it makes you feel. Not getting into any political BS, just a point of interest that a public figure has willingly checked in, and admitted to the public that it’s due to depression.

I know for my part, it’s hard to imagine someone that successful experiencing something similar […]

One factor is definitely the Super Bowl, in my social circles it is a big deal and I just don’t care.

The one I want to deal with though, is harder to face. It’s surrounding a symptom I’ve been experiencing for the past few years. Sometimes, when I’m really upset, I shake uncontrollably. It’s not something I like people to know, it’s something I’ve kept as hidden as I can.

Today on social media there is a video making the rounds of a young lady shaking while driving. Every time I see it, I feel so alone and isolated. I can’t talk about my shaking with these […]

Earlier this week, wednesday, I went to a job fair, and it felt relatively good

the problem is that since then, I’ve been feeling more drained than usual. Even now, two days later, having had two decent nights of sleep, and some really strong coffee. I feel like I’m gasping. Like I just ran a mile. I’ve got a weird numbness in my dominant hand. I’m fully aware of things I could work on…. but I feel so very tired, short of breath.

It’s such a depressed feeling, being physically and emotionally drained to this point.

Earlier this week, I got a message from the non profit that’s […]

I had to look it up, fan as I am of a good turn of phrase, “Hell is other people” is from the philosopher Sartre, an existentialist. Apparently there is some controversy about the phrase and what Sartre meant. I may be misinterpreting, or appropriating it for my own use. As a writer myself, I’d rather my words be used again than people be delicate about it out of fear of misquoting me.

Some things stick with me. I realized this morning that I had the immediate compulsion to hide away, from my pain, from the feelings too big to deal with. I’m making a conscious […]

I got an emulator controller for Nintendo Gamecube, the video game system I was playing as a teenager. So it’s like a little time machine, and out of the gate the first thing I’m realizing is that I was way more cheerful/willing to fail at that age. These games are punishing by modern standards.

I’ve always been pretty skeptical about nostalgia, partially because most of the good things in my past I try to keep around. Dealing with things from a new angle, I’m hoping to learn more about myself, maybe recapture that optimism, that hope.

currently playing Luigi’s Mansion and Pikmin, which are still an amazing […]

I think a lot about purpose, trying to have one and how I fail at it. In a wider scope though, I don’t think anyone else is doing better at actually having a purpose, hence my thesis; anyone can either be replaced or rendered unnecessary.

It’s been bugging me more and more, what with some of the recent celebrity news, but also the way AI is literally taking what people are all about. I love AI art, but it’s a depressing thing to love. The celebrity news is Justin Roiland of Rick and Morty has been removed from all of his projects. I’m not defending him, […]

I have a collection of hundreds of these pictures, mostly to print out and tack to my walls…. but I rarely share. Somehow, I think some of you might enjoy them too

You see, I believe that the horrors of this world are us, we are the thing humanity fears and averts it’s eyes at. If there is supernatural evil, it would ally with creatures such as I. Secrecy and fear, it’s all any of us really have going.

It occurs to me that to some these might be nightmare fuel. Life is the nightmare, this is the wake up call. Also I didn’t make most of […]

Home again, safe, and everything is calm, quiet even.

I always thought I was anti ascetic, self denial seemed like an easy escape from failure… and I’m not saying that’s wrong.

What I’m noticing is how going without makes having the sweeter. I won’t impose it on myself, we’re entering the season of spiritual fasting, lent. Silly, silly idea. I just lived without my bed, my dog, and my computer for seven days. It wasn’t too bad either, because we were all dealing with missing our comforts of home.

I saw an awesome concert though! I also got to listen to some live music while eating amazing pizza […]

so I just had a complete breakdown, in the middle of writing about what’s wrong with me, SMU

I basically had a fight with my missus. Not really convinced it matters why, just we were both tired, I hit some unpleasant conditions for her….. and she was mad at me as a result.

Luckily/unluckily we’re sharing a house with our friends this week, so they got to be in the middle of it… and they were very supportive…. we don’t deserve them…. but that’s nice I guess.

I feel like crap right now. I can’t eat, because of the above conditions. I got fluridly suicidal for a short […]

I know that I’ve missed being here, which is why I found a way even though I’m on my travel laptop and on local wifi. I’m on an 8 day out of state vacation with some of my friends. Really I’ve just come along, but they’re working hard to make me feel like it is my vacation.

The point is, out here, far away from all the things I’ve learned to hate, I feel lighter. I feel closer to being free. Some part is just that opportunities not to be in the state I live in are rare. So having all these different things feels liberating […]