I’ve been thinking quite a bit, (my therapist called me an insightful person today, that’s progress). I’m well aware that I’m absurd, and that probably isn’t going to change. I think I’m done taking anything seriously that doesn’t have to be. Life is short, we’re all in this til the end. I have enough stuff. I have enough people. What I lack is enough kindness to myself. I think I’m just going to go with that. This year I turned 33, and with that age and frailty comes a greater acceptance of my own mortality, and a presence of mind that life is too short […]
I’m going to talk about some identifying information in a bit, but first on that;
I’ve been writing on here for a few years now. For the first year I’d guess I posted maybe once or twice, responded as many times. I was very concerned about privacy issues regarding doxing, and to discuss my desire to die, I’m going to say some things I would never want to be associated with my real name. As such, I have community here, while having an outside life that doesn’t have to know. So, it becomes more comfortable as I find others of similar philosophy such that I can […]
I’m at the point of literally asking, because I’m not allowed to want violent revenge on the people who are indifferent to my suffering. I’m also not particularly allowed to want to just not go back to work. Meanwhile, I’m sick, deep in burn out and having no motivation to pull up and out. I’ll put myself right back here is the reason. I’d love to do the normal thing, earn a paycheck, go on vacation to the lake. I really did try. It just doesn’t offer any rewards. I have this intolerable ambition, I’m not happy with whatever is given to me, I want […]
As an idealist, I’ve spent most of my life within my own head. I tend to thrive in environments where I am left to my own devices. Yet rather suddenly I have begun to doubt who I am. I have worked in social services for most of my career, and last month I finally realized that it wasn’t working because I valued myself too much to endure the environment. That seems like a pretty high bar, and that’s because it is. Most of my employers have been some degree of evil/corrupt, and that’s just the cost of entry to the workforce around here.
I have some […]
It’s not the pain that gets to me, I’m somewhat numbed to that, it’s the hope that keeps me going into unpleasant situations. I think that I haven’t been honest with myself about desireable outcomes. I tell myself I want to move on, but do I? I am seriously bummed that my (possibly former) employer didn’t reach out to me today. I started applying for new jobs, already got the first rejection back, and I’m remembering how much I despise job hunting. It’s all pleasuring unattractive people, I know that it’s not supposed to feel like prostitution, but trying to talk a company into hiring […]
It was a long expected reunion, between myself and death. We’re old compatriots, comrades, but not really friends. If you’re friends with death, that’s another world entirely. It’s like being sexually attracted to death. While I admit that it has an allure, death is rarely sexy, and even more rarely openly attractive. Rather it is an acquired taste. One of many of mine.
I knew it would return. Like a lover with low self esteem, death slinks back, ashamed to admit that it needs to associate. It comes in waves. Death of a family member with death of a pet, or beloved friend. Death of career […]
I’ve become more of an existentialist as my depression moved forward. Thus this joke only just struck me as funny. If you are an existentialist then the life you have is the only one you ever will, and possibly the only one in all of existence. We can’t verify that others experience things, so they are uncertain.
I’m trying to move on with my life. Tomorrow I’m calling HR and going to ask for leave and time, because my panic attacks have started to last hours […]
As I talk about often, I’m a shadow of who I once was. That’s this era; shadow me going through the motions waiting to find a way out. The problem is that I’m screwed up. I lean in somewhat. I own that my nerves are shaky, and there is at least one day of the week that I need industrial strength sedatives to get through. It still gets worse.
So, we’re wrapping up the month, and suddenly I have to make a major task out of getting to all my clients. Right, that’s the script this week; run around, screw a reasonable amount up so that […]
I spent a long time getting here, and the more I think about it the more I realize that I am metaphorically in the middle of nowhere, without identity, desire, or direction.
I was someone for a long time, before that I was someone else. It doesn’t matter who, I’m not them now. I don’t think I want to be anybody anymore. Yet, I have a wife, a job, and a family who all assure me they care very much about me. I don’t see how that is so; the agony I’m in, if anyone I love was feeling like this, I’d do anything to fix […]
Eight days out from my next therapy appointment, and I’m working my homework. The challenge; why do i do what I do, what IS the point?
This is a good therapist, she ripped through my defenses that I like to imagine myself at war with these giant forces, ones that I likely can’t move. I’ve thrown myself really hard into that over the last few years as I slowly but surely felt greater and greater doubt about whether there is a place for me in my current career field. Not as such. I have already decided I want to move elsewhere. I have already decided that […]
That’s what it all comes down to, trust and faith which are different words for the same damn thing. The truth is that I don’t know how to put a positive expectation on another human being. It’s beyond my ability at this point. Oh, you might say, but you appear vulnerable, right? That’s some kind of trust, one would think. The fact is that I don’t care. Curse me, you still can’t do worse than I expect you to. I trust people to be as awful as I can imagine, then when they are less awful it is mildly pleasant.
The fact remains; as I don’t […]
I’ve been very depressed lately, trying to find a reason to pull it together. Such reasons don’t exist. It’s not worth the price I pay for less money and benefits than I need to pay my debts. I frankly don’t care if those debts EVER get repaid. I worked 16 years to get to where I stand today; destitute, hopeless, and fed up.
Today I had a number of people telling me to toughen up, take it on the chin, because that’s what I’m paid to do. Fuck that noise. If you want me to get tough, watch as I walk away from EVERYTHING this broken […]
I’ve been trying to clean up my office, you know the place I spend 18 hours a day six days a week in. Today, as I was shambling my way through it (the only state I know how to clean in anymore), I came across a length of chain used to train dogs. It’s a horribly inhumane little object, and most days I’m too soft to use it on my puppies.
I feel like it’s pretty obvious where my mind went next. I fantasized about ending my life. That’s how suicidality comes to me now; little bursts that no one sees coming, followed by hours of […]
as long as I can remember, I’ve been fascinated by death. Not usually so much in that I will die someday, though I always supposed that I would. I lost a caregiver at a young age. For some reason it still bothers me that no one told me she was sick until she was already gone. She was my great aunt, and is probably responsible more than anyone wants to talk about for who I became. She was an opera singer, spent a few years doing that in Germany, then settled down with her lawyer husband. Her daughter couldn’t have kids of her own, so […]
I think it really comes down to how petty I feel being dissatisfied. I really want to, because I’ve been trained to since birth, give myself a pep talk that will get me up and swinging again. It’s a huge reflex, but I recoil at the thought of it. _I don’t want to get up!_ Seriously there’s no point. All these things are meant to make a person submissive. Pay your bills, barely touch your debt, fix your belongings. The rest of them seem quite entertained. Must be nice! Then again, clearly I don’t think it’s nice, I think it’s rather a cruel thing to […]
I don’t know why nautical metaphor feels so fit for describing depression, the common denominator of loneliness I suppose is unparalleled. The point is; I feel quite alone, especially in philosophic and religious desire. I seek that which is beyond human understanding, and at the same time fully admit that what I am looking for may not be there. Those around me get more and more upset about my qualification that I do not know everything. Yet, there is but one flaw I cannot stand; pretending to know what you do not. So I am disliked/shunned by the religious and the atheists. I have a […]
I came up for air for a bit today. That is to say I sobered up for the first time in a few days. As sober as I get anymore, which I suspect is still in the refractory period for the intoxicants I use. I lasted about six hours…. found enough to do that I felt relatively productive to the point I didn’t have to run from the void.
Now I’m running again, and plan to run for a bit longer yet. I want to know what the pitch is for someone at my stage to sober up; oh no, throwing your life away? What life? […]
Right, so I’m a little toasted, a little buzzed, so it is possible that things seem like good ideas when they aren’t.
Three months into this major depressive episode, and I’ve reached the point that the part of my mind which adapted to pull me out is trying to do that. Getting those sort of hopeful thoughts that in the past I would have taken at face value. No more, it’s not getting away that easy. I only ever trusted others assuming that they could be decent, and that delusion is hard for me to go back to.
Some of the things I do are reminders for […]
For those with high anxiety (when will he tell?!) I’ll relieve you straight out; it’s money. Me and money both get along too well, and get along not well enough.
So, why do I despise/love money as I despise/love myself? Step into my mind; my parents did okay, mostly because up until the mid 90s there was such a thing as a upper middle class, and that’s where I grew up, adjacent to very wealthy people. I went to private schools with them, and nothing I experienced in my childhood convinced me that the other kids had it better; their parents ran after money all day, […]
I see quite a few people unhappy with feeling nothing. If you haven’t known agony, I suppose nothing might seem unpleasant. I’m a big fan of nothing, that empty void which cannot be filled and doesn’t desire so. That’s me today, after several days of being moderately feeling, I awoke today to feel nothing. I look at my hands, arms, legs, body, and they are just a facile set of window dressing, very little to do with me. I feel like a parade balloon, others pull me along by my guide lines, I just bob and nod, look at the meaningless man, is it Easter […]