heartlessviking

I was bound to fail big eventually. I just…. thought I wouldn’t. There was this thought that if I did everything that I was supposed to, somehow that would protect me….. but I’ve been working like crazy for 3-4 weeks. I’m tired, I need rest…. but my failure makes me beat myself up and feel self destructive.

I’m alone. My fiance went to bed, I missed the one hour that I can see her out of the last 24 because I was pushing this stupid deadline, that I couldn’t meet. I’m debating how bad I feel. I know whomever I talk to is going to tell […]

I don’t know that I’ve heard a story like this. People talk about their attempts, but usually it is in the immediate past and they are still wondering if they chose right, if they should still be here. Kind of like me. But here is a guy that I have to respect the bravery of:

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfNiSkd3HfI&w=560&h=315]

Last night I cried for a long time, over issues within my career, issues in my community. In the light of day today they didn’t seem worth crying over. This last few months have been a bunch of me sitting on the edge of the cliff of falling apart, looking down and wondering if I’m going to fall.

Then today happened. I had some really big personal rough news. News that I didn’t want to hear, and that news came right in the middle of me doing a timed, essential and unavoidable project. I just sailed right through it.

Which is what is so wacky about the […]

not like it matters…. really. does anything?!

Pain is real, much more real than this whole stupid thing. I’m so sick of it, of what I do. Living in my head….. I just want to feel something other than this crushing reality, makes it hard to breath, hard to hold back the depression.

So I march myself forward, hurting and torturing myself, because sometimes pain is the only thing I can understand…..

Screw…. no one understands anything, that’s the only wonderful truth there is.

I’ve been accused of being obsessive, insensitive, single minded, all of which I feel like misses the point. Yes, I’m a mono maniac, I’m seeking something with every ounce of energy I have:

It’s hard to describe the conditions that create the feeling that I crave. I’ve tasted bits of it my entire life, just enough to get me interested.

I’m sick,okay?! I have a disorder where things that interest or arouse normal people don’t even register with me. I have to take medicine to function, meds to work, meds to sleep. I’m 31 years old and at times I feel as frail as my 93 year […]

There is the place that I used to long for her, here was the place my heart swelled with ownership

Was I young? Was I stupid? How could I have given away my heart to her….

Here is where I found out who you were. There is where I said goodbye. I somehow knew I would still be hurting long after you moved on.

Here’s where I met someone new, here’s where I risked it again. Over there is where I buried my hopes of being entirely someone’s, my romantic ideals, and my desire to love someone more than myself.

Now I sit a ghost of the man I […]

just found out that the problem I spent the last five hours trying to figure out and holding myself together over… wrong, entirely wrong. I’m trying not to completely lose it. I’ve been awake since 8:30 AM THURSDAY, that’s 28 hours, and working since 9:30 AM…. I hate this, I hate everything, I really really want to hurt someone, apart from myself,, but there’s no one that has it coming like I do. See? Logically, I should just go walk into traffic, because I’m the problem.  I’m the one that wasted immense resources screwing up….. I’m so tired, but I don’t get to sleep, not […]

I’m so burnt out right now on office time. Everything that can be done to make it tolerable has been done, to no avail. My concentration is going to shit, I’m fatalistically frustrated. Earlier today I threatened to destroy one of the two main members of the problems in my life.

An Ultimatum:

Me or the US health system. One of us has to bend. I’m doing everything I can to function. We’re pouring hundreds of dollars a month into insurance, doctors, therapists, and oh god the medicine. The insurance has made everything more stressful and expensive. They’re worse than useless, they’re harmful. Yet… America, land of […]

12 hours into what is turning into a week from heck. I mean, I’ve had more painful weeks, but rarely a week this tiring. Literally the last four days have been non stop work, or trying to work. I didn’t prepare for this dang it, and now I’ve got another four days that look just about as packed… I’m so tired….

Is it depression if you’re just so fricken tired that it would feel nice if you had a heart attack, or if in some other way the body stopped so there was no choice?!

The dang finish line for this project set is in sight, then […]

I feel like if I was well adjusted I would be happy… . as I write this I’m enjoying the clarity of a new monitor, the clear beauty of a perfect keyboard. I want to be happy about these things, and maybe I’ll succeed in purging my nervous frustration and be able to…

I’ve got a C in a class, which I know is acceptable to everyone else, but that’s the thing: not to me. I want an A, and now I feel like I need to fight ten times harder to not less this class slip….

I’ve got to figure out so many things; car repair, […]

I’ve been kind of marinating in the depression lately. Between being busy and anxious, there isn’t a ton of time to process, and for two months there hasn’t been anyone to process with. I don’t successfully process with my family, friends… any of that. I was trying to process with the crisis line, which just dang doesn’t work.

So I’m meeting a new therapist in the morning. It’s scary. I’m worried that it won’t go well. I’ve worked with tens of therapists, and had maybe 3 good ones. Two of those were students doing their practicum, which is why I can’t see them anymore. The other […]

Today…. ugg. My fiance’s cat came into my office which was supposed to be my quiet space, a safe area, refuge from this world. I had my school bag and a coat that my granddad (who since died) gave me. He had super gross poops all over it, horrible, fricken heart breaking and I wanted to die, but I can’t die because it would upset people so much.

I just…. want a refuge from the cruelty. Somewhere that the nonsense of the world can’t get in. Sometimes I fantasize about buying a cold war era missile bunker, 6 floors underground and just hunkering down in it. […]

My dad and I talked today and apparently he wants to die soonish (within the next 20 years). I asked him about if he wanted to live to be 96 and he talked about people he knew (his parents age) that had gotten that old, and he was really unhappy about the end of life options.

I’m turning 31 this week, and I think that death is less of a desire right now than an eventuality. I mean, chances are that the best case I’m 1/3rd of the way through this thing called life. Worst case this is halfway (it seems like death of “natural causes” […]

What does anyone expect. I put out my misery into the world, people don’t like that. I understand, I don’t like it when other people put their misery into my view. There’s plenty of unhappiness inside me. So I try to put out positivity, humor, and being helpful. That ticks people off even more.

So what does anyone want, because I’ve given my best, I’ve given my worst. It’s enough to make me want to give nothing, because it feels like no one wants me.

Then I share my feelings, and still not the desired response. What do I want? Fricken empathy man, the hot drug of […]

Sometimes it feels really close to drowning. I’m not being melodramatic, that’s the closest I can describe depression as, especially after fighting against it and being productive. I just pulled off a really tough shift of work, and I’d like to be pleased. Instead I feel the unpleasant sensation of my lungs trying to collapse, of sinking.

To me working feels a lot like swimming, especially when I don’t want to swim. I trained in life saving and other swimming stuff once. I love the water, there’s freedom there. Winter sucks in that way, not enough chances to be immersed in water. Swimming is hard though. […]

I know we have quite a few people here who desire to exit life. What comes after that exit?

Is it an afterlife? Is there a reincarnation? Do you think there is nothing?

I wanted to work on this with a therapist, but I have three weeks to get through before I see the new one…. we’ll see how that turns out.

It’s bothering me the sense that I’m living on borrowed time, having functional days, being capable of work. Sometimes I feel like a fraud, like any time some official will come in with a stack of papers that says “We’ve found you out! You’re not a capable student at all, you’re a no talent hack.”

It’s tiring trading my hard won attention and focus for grades, which go towards a degree that earns me the ability to attempt […]

I don’t know how to do “downtime” and sometimes I wonder if that’s one of the issues that makes my depression worse. Today I wanted to play a game, read my books to get ready for the semester, and find a part for a keyboard. Any guesses what I got done? If you guessed “nothing that I set out to”, you’d be right. The problem is that I don’t care about making me happy. It’s so much easier when I have a deadline that I’m scared of missing. Or when I have work that I’m avoiding or relaxing from.

This is what I hate most about […]

My vehicle is repaired and I sure wish that was all. I was kind of coasting on things being not great but not terrible. Between the two exists a state called satisfactory.

Then my fiance’s sister had to break her heart…. I’m living amongst others who may be more or less mentally ill than myself. What can I do? I can’t prevent mistakes, misunderstandings, or any of my family’s pain.

I cried and cried… more than I ever did for anyone else’s pain. I don’t see any way out but through, and those two will have to sort their problems without my help. Ah, every lonely person […]