heartlessviking

What does anyone expect. I put out my misery into the world, people don’t like that. I understand, I don’t like it when other people put their misery into my view. There’s plenty of unhappiness inside me. So I try to put out positivity, humor, and being helpful. That ticks people off even more.

So what does anyone want, because I’ve given my best, I’ve given my worst. It’s enough to make me want to give nothing, because it feels like no one wants me.

Then I share my feelings, and still not the desired response. What do I want? Fricken empathy man, the hot drug of […]

Sometimes it feels really close to drowning. I’m not being melodramatic, that’s the closest I can describe depression as, especially after fighting against it and being productive. I just pulled off a really tough shift of work, and I’d like to be pleased. Instead I feel the unpleasant sensation of my lungs trying to collapse, of sinking.

To me working feels a lot like swimming, especially when I don’t want to swim. I trained in life saving and other swimming stuff once. I love the water, there’s freedom there. Winter sucks in that way, not enough chances to be immersed in water. Swimming is hard though. […]

I know we have quite a few people here who desire to exit life. What comes after that exit?

Is it an afterlife? Is there a reincarnation? Do you think there is nothing?

I wanted to work on this with a therapist, but I have three weeks to get through before I see the new one…. we’ll see how that turns out.

It’s bothering me the sense that I’m living on borrowed time, having functional days, being capable of work. Sometimes I feel like a fraud, like any time some official will come in with a stack of papers that says “We’ve found you out! You’re not a capable student at all, you’re a no talent hack.”

It’s tiring trading my hard won attention and focus for grades, which go towards a degree that earns me the ability to attempt […]

I don’t know how to do “downtime” and sometimes I wonder if that’s one of the issues that makes my depression worse. Today I wanted to play a game, read my books to get ready for the semester, and find a part for a keyboard. Any guesses what I got done? If you guessed “nothing that I set out to”, you’d be right. The problem is that I don’t care about making me happy. It’s so much easier when I have a deadline that I’m scared of missing. Or when I have work that I’m avoiding or relaxing from.

This is what I hate most about […]

My vehicle is repaired and I sure wish that was all. I was kind of coasting on things being not great but not terrible. Between the two exists a state called satisfactory.

Then my fiance’s sister had to break her heart…. I’m living amongst others who may be more or less mentally ill than myself. What can I do? I can’t prevent mistakes, misunderstandings, or any of my family’s pain.

I cried and cried… more than I ever did for anyone else’s pain. I don’t see any way out but through, and those two will have to sort their problems without my help. Ah, every lonely person […]

I almost succeeded in doing it. I was going to quietly fade away…. it was so fucking close. The pain was delicious. *sigh*

They can’t get me a therapist for another month. My car broke down on the way home from the hospital and am still waiting to find out how bad that is going to be.

It’s just, enough. I don’t care about hurting anyone anymore. No one fucking cares how hurt I am….

It doesn’t matter. If I express my method they’ll just lock me up and put me on bad drugs. When the time comes I’m going to quietly go out and do it, screw […]

Just an update that I’m planning to go to the hospital tomorrow and try and get in to see a new therapist. This last few months working with a student therapist gives me hope that I might be able to work out something, make more progress than I have been thus far. It’s a shot, so I’m going to try and stay open minded but pragmatic. I’ve said I’ll give them 6 sessions or two months, whichever comes second.

Last night I kind of felt pushed into a corner about this thing. I talked about it before, essentially I worked hard prepping a schedule for the spring and my university decided to undermine it by canceling a class that I have to take, which I also already paid to rent a book for…. I’m pretty mad about all of this because this is the second time in the same year they’ve screwed up my schedule by doing the same thing.

So I slept fitfully, bad dreams and anger always near the surface.

I went back to school to improve myself to the end of stopping being […]

Sometimes I think about destination. It’s kind of like the other direction of thinking, towards where I came from. There’s sadness in both directions.

It’s not really a place, but the language of place and distance makes more sense for this than trying to explain a project and the process that must be completed before the project is done. That means the process becomes the journey, and completion the destination. Everyone keeping up?

So I think about destination and I wonder if the destination even matters. The world seems to reward me more for going somewhere more than getting there. I don’t even know if when I […]

My main thing right now is not wanting to upset people, Christmas may advertise as being about togetherness love and so on, but the underside is materialism, seasonal affective disorder and sadness. So if I sound remotely happy know that it is despite these frustrations, not because of them.

I had a meltdown three days ago, about the college canceling a class (that I’m still mad at them, my trust towards them is about the same as any other abusive employer…)

Then last night I had a dream that sorted things, about how I’ve hated educational institutions before. That’s not what I’m there for, to like them, […]

It’s weird waking up like this, waking up and hoping for a heart attack, or a car accident on the way to work….

Last night I was at the point of hating life, trust breached and hope betrayed, another chapter of that story that I’ve been getting from everyone I try to believe in since I was 8 years old.

Christmas is supposed to be about hope…. I just see the black depth of depravity of humanity, and it’s beautiful. People are dying, pain everywhere, everyone looking for a little comfort, a little relief… there’s no relief, and hope is the biggest source of pain there is.

I […]

Right, so, here’s the deal:

I pulled my shit together and went back to school. Why? Because my previous career path wasn’t working. Every employer was more abusive than I could handle and couldn’t provide long term employment. That’s how we got to this messed up place.

Two years of medication, therapy, and hard work later I’ve brought my GPA up (over the last year 3.8), dealt with tons of crisis and now.

There’s a class I have to take, it’s core to my whole stupid degree plan. This semester I had two classes on a day, then the rest were on other days. The university dropped one […]

I keep seeing pictures of her. One of the few women ever to make my heart skip a beat, that I actually have a physical reaction to how attracted to them I am.

Of course I have no rights in this area. Rationally this is totally normal and understandable and FINE.

inside I’m torn apart. She’s had a baby, and the depression inside me is screaming “All the women you love find other men to give them children”

So what do I do with this?

I don’t know, probably go make a cup of coffee and take my morning meds. definitely that.

this life is a shit show sometimes. The […]

Hey, I want to tell you something….

There’s a sort of balance, twisted and beautiful to this whole death puzzle we’re working on.

It comes back to society. Someone around here asked “Why does society make it so hard for people who want to to die to die?”

It’s been itching at me, like a phantom limb. Why would it? What’s the motivation?

In therapy that’s evidence finding. It’s how I deal with paranoia, because things that don’t make sense always have a motivation if not a rational reason. The sick man hurts others because he’s sick, wants attention. That’s easy enough to understand, right?

What if the culprit here […]

I just would prefer to spiral than be angry, but I know that spiralling through depression is unhealthy. I have LIMITLESS stores of energy and all of them are expressed as hatred.

So here is the rant, to get out, as if it mattered:

I hate other people. Not dogmatically of course, my religion is actually to love others. It is that desire to love that is so frustrated as others are so determined to undermine any assumption I have that they intend to do good in the world.

Every day I have to try and transform the pain causing actions to understandable mistakes.

Around every corner new incompetence […]

I don’t know if anyone can relate: I don’t feel like I deserve to be unhappy.

My biggest issue with being depressed is not feeling like I deserve to feel these feelings. I just got done with 4 months of highly productive therapy, we dealt with a lot of my anxiety, my self image and my relationship issues. It seems like, I should be happy. Or at least I should be content, but here I am.

I don’t feel like I belong, and I know that’s a symptom. Noticing that there’s a lot of self referencing…. sorry about that. It’s an issue that needs resolving, because frankly […]

This article came up while I was at work today:

https://www.thisisinsider.com/perfectionism-definition-depression-anxiety-mental-health-2018-11?utm_source=quora&utm_medium=referral

To say I reacted poorly is an understatement. I’m still mad about it. It would appear that striving for perfection is generational, and I’m not the only one who is actively fighting mental illness because of it. What does anyone expect? My parents and their fucking generation destroyed all that was good and sustaining in our economy. They traded in pensions for 401ks, healthcare for higher salaries and let the wealthy enjoy limitless growth while the rest of us get peanuts.

What are we supposed to do? There are many who just want to fucking say “That’s […]

This is my story, abridged, but I just need to get it out. I don’t know if it will help me, or anyone.

I’m an only child. Maybe that doesn’t matter. The thing is there were no brothers and sisters, no one ever approached me in my parents eyes. I didn’t understand other children. There was some sort of commonality that they had, I didn’t.

So there was always reading, I wanted to be understood but at least I could understand others. Slowly but surely I would figure out other humans, but I never figured out how to be like them.

Anyway, I learned to function. My parents […]