I decide to message to my very old friend to let her know that I am let her go. Last time we chat, she told me that I was abuser and hurt her a lot emotionally. I was surprised because she never told me that and still talk to me like usual for two years. Sometimes she had to force herself to meet up with me anyways to hang out. It was about two months or so since then. I just don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. The thought of me hurt her every time her eye lays on me or my name make me […]
Do I? I know I will might make same mistakes agains. I really want someone answer this question. HOW DO YOU TRUST YOURSELF AFTER MAKE MISTAKE? I know I will do it again and there is nothing I can do about it. I will hurt people no matter what. I love them and I still hurt them. I hurt my family with my choices. I hurt them for like women. I hurt them for wear different clothes than their belief. I will hurt them when I am plan to cut my hair short. I will hurt them even if I did those thing to make […]
So.. I am deal with this feel guilty.. right after get a new car today. I don’t expect that I will get one. I should jump in joy and be happy. But I just smiles and nods in thanks to my parents and the dealers and I still unsure if I really deserve it. I don’t feel like I deserve it. I think of my best friend who struggles to get ride and want to improve her life for better. I feel like my life changes too fast. Is that why I feel guilty? that I get good things too fast? Now I feel like […]
All I know I want to be able to be with women or transgender person without feel shame to show it to the world today. I would love that.
This is part of reason why I am struggle with myself lately. Someone finally point out the problem right on nose, I am not really free yet. I don’t have car, don’t have job yet, have not get haircut I really want yet, or have not really interacting with someone my age to able to date. I didn’t really look for solution for those thing because I give up out of fear. Well, fuck that fear in […]
I am angry! I am tired of see that same old source of all my problems, again and again. That I don’t love myself. God, how tired i am to see that again! God! Most Goddamn annoy sentence on Earth! Lack of love to yourself. Love yourself. Get in touch with yourself. God! Just go hell!
…..
But I know it is right. I am angry at myself for not able to get pass that concrete wall. If I see that again and again, then I guess it mean I dont success. I am really angry at myself for that. I hate to be a […]
Feel lonely. :/ I think it is mainly reason why I have hard time to cope with my shit. Last night’s post make me feel idiot. I don’t know what to do with all voices and thoughts at night. I have hard time to sleep at night for a while now. I am sorry if my posts effect you all in negative way…
I think I will stay away from this website for a while now. I want to be able to think straight again. I don’t want to feel like I am attention whore anymore.
When I found out that I have perfect method right under my nose whole time now. I feel like I want to burst out laugh in joy. I am relieved. I find a way to take myself out when time come. When that worse moment happens, I would be very glad to take whole of it in my mouth and swallow. I am ready. I don’t want deal with this emptiness any longer with anyone I give my heart to. I refuse to do that again. I am ready to stop all of it. I don’t care.
um… to be honest, I did have a lot of “good days” and lot of doors open for me lately. People around me seem to be happy for me. I should be too. But… even though I made great process to push myself into better place. I could not stop think about that person. Everyday I checked if she is okay and safe. I feel bad to say this but my life could not be complete without her. That sound like it is come from some romantic movie or something but this is not like that. I don’t like to think of myself be obsessive […]
I am tired of feel unwanted or something like that… I am knowledge that there ARE some people that do care about and want me. But, it hurts to know that someone you loves and care so much don’t want to do anything with you at all…. I am tired of that happening.
I am not sure what I need for this year. Last year, I do have some regrets. But it is not do any good to dwell on last. Right now, my passion for art that I spends so much time all my life went dead. I don’t think anyone would expect that from me. I am not sure what to say here to be honest. I am unsure about 2018.
Sigh.
What was I think? That thing get better? Why I believe in goodness in people again? What a fool I am. It only bring pain and loneliness. The plan is back on. I want to die soon. I don’t want to go through this cycle.
I decide to wrote letter to my old best friend. It is not exactly beg to have her back, but to let her know that I am in better place and do better. I want her to be happy and don’t have to worry about me anymore.
I am still worry though… I promised to myself long ago, that if she is complete gone from my life, then I will kill myself no matter what. It is horrible promise to make but…I find myself consider it? I want her to be happy if she choose to live without me in it and kill myself. Can I […]
Crying on Christmas. It is my first Christmas without my best friend.
I don’t expect this…
I try my best to be positive today around people. But I find myself crying when I space out in back of car. I miss her.
Worry my close friend give up on me. Maybe she already did. I don’t know. I just feel very lonely lately. Maybe it just me forgot to take one pill one night and I feel this way. I am scared to lose people I love. It hurt so much. I feel pathetic to keep come back to here even though not lot of people respond to my posts. Maybe I am really pathetic.
Thing does get better but I don’t have much faith that this will last long. Still, I have to remind myself to focus on present than worry about my future. My plan to end my life… is put on hold for now. It does not feel right to do it at this time of year and I don’t want to put end to my process I made so far this month… I felt confuse. It was like a war inside my head. I wanted to continue living. Other said I should dies before something worse happens or I would experience more heartaches. Every nights I look […]
I am not sure if I really belong here in this suicide project. It is nice to vent my thoughts out though. Some days, I did feel like I want to feel good or have laugh a little even though I don’t think I deserve it. Some days, I did wish I could touch that white cold feel as in near to death experience. Just once, so the thoughts in my head can shut up and stop call me coward for fail it years ago. I have order some supplies that might would help end my life. It will arrive tomorrow. It feel more real […]
What am I for? What is my purpose for be here? I am not happy to be alone with myself again. I feel annoy to be alone with myself. I do not enjoy myself. I hate myself. I already know that fact since I was 8 or so year old. I have that strong self hatred since then. At 13 year old, I tried to drown myself. It was a beautiful way to try to die. But, I remember a emotion, anger, change my mind. I was angry with myself for not be strong enough for my family. So I decide to become more harsh […]
I am thinking… Either my future will give me greater pain than what I experience now… Or it will bring me some reliefs?… Which one will it happen? Who knows? But the real question is can I handle more pain? I don’t think I want to. I do not want to be alive to see through it. Even if it could bring me joy or hope in the future. I am tired of play gamble with God.
I am not sure what to say exactly. I come here because I feel like I am ready to die. I could not turn off that whispers in my head everyday. Even though, I did take anti-depression and anxiety medications and get out of house more now. I even volunteer too.
I am in lot of pain lately for three months- no actually, this is fourth month. My depression and anxiety have been pull me into spiral since I come home from college. I have lost hope in many thing and include in myself. It get worse now. I have this strong unbreakable bond with my […]
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