JiminyCrispies

I have to cancel my appointment with my psychiatrist on the 14th next month as I found out today that’s the day I go back to college. I haven’t saw her since June, and I desperately need to talk to her.

I’m doubtful she can get me in before the 14th, which means waiting at least another 2 weeks. Although, I see my therapist next week so I’ll talk to her about it and ask her to speak with my psychiatrist so she knows how urgent it is that I see her. Maybe she can talk her into scheduling a closer appointment.

The voices have been constant […]

I saw my therapist yesterday and now she knows about Bree. Despite Bree’s warnings not to tell her about her or what she says, I told her some things anyway. Bree hasn’t showed up today, which is worrying. The longer she leaves if, the worse she’ll be.

My therapist did, however, react how Bree said she would. She says Bree isn’t real and is just my anxiety taking a physical form. Lies.

I see her again in 2 weeks. It could’ve been 1, but I need some time to talk to Bree and I don’t know how long she’ll stay mad at me.

My appointment with my psychiatrist […]

I finally have my blood test tomorrow morning. 9:30AM. And despite having this knowledge, I still went ahead and cut up the arm he draws blood from. Because I’m a genius.

My mum found out about my last relapse and didn’t take too kindly to it. I ended up getting yelled at for around an hour. Fun.

I’ve also managed to cut and bruise under my eye from trying to retaliate to the little girl that keeps coming to me. I fell because I couldn’t touch her and I hit my face. Of course, I couldn’t tell my mum that. So she thinks my dog did it […]

I can’t bring myself to leave the house now. I’m too afraid to even entertain the idea of stepping outside. I was supposed to go to the field with my family so we could teach my brother to ride his bike, but I refused to go.

The voices have terrified me. So has Bree. There’s people outside that will get me, they say. They watch me through the cameras, they say. They look through the windows. So I avoid the windows. It’s getting to the point where I can’t deal with this all anymore.

I don’t see my therapist for another two weeks, I think. And even […]

My psychiatrist called today, and I was right. She can’t bring forward my appointment as she’s on holiday. Great. I haven’t had a chance to ask about my therapist yet. I doubt that’ll be moved either.

Bree’s also been, excuse my language, a complete ***** all day. I wanted to leave the house today, but she didn’t want me to. Needless to say, that resulted in an argument – if you could call it that, she did most of the yelling while I was crying. Fun.

The voices have been particularly exhausting today, too. After barely 4 hours sleep, I woke up to let my dogs out […]

I got home from my trip to see family in London yesterday. Surprisingly I lasted the week, which shocked not only me but all my family here, too. It was a struggle towards the last two days, though. The voices were still constant, but manageable for the most part up until the last day. But it wasn’t too awful.

Bree threw a fit when she found out she wasn’t coming with me. We left at 5AM, so I told her before I went to bed around 11PM. Needless to say, she yelled at how I need her and then stormed out when I said I don’t. […]

It turns out I have to go back to college for the whole week next week. Apparently I haven’t finished all my work, and I won’t pass if I don’t go in. The only thing I’m missing is some annotations, so they’ve probably lost my work. In which case, I will not be redoing it.

I doubt I’ll be able to cope in college for a full week. I could barely manage leaving the house for half a day yesterday. My Mum’s forcing me to go in because ‘failure is not in our vocabulary’ – as she said. So obviously passing is more important to her […]

It’s 1AM and Bree’s outline is now done, I’ll probably shade it tomorrow. Most likely I’ll do it in graphite rather than coloured pencils. She agreed that I can post it on here when I’m finished, though I haven’t brought it up with Jeremy yet so I’m not sure about him.

The voices have been particularly bad today, which meant I rarely spoke to anyone and instead ignored them. I have to go out tomorrow, my mum said. It’ll be the first time I’ve left the house since Friday. Exactly a week.

I spent the majority of the day alone, which meant hiding behind the […]

My psychiatrist called this afternoon and kindly informed me that I need another blood test either this week or next. My prolactin levels are too high, and I need another test to check it to decide whether I need more tests at the hospital for it.

That means no new medication for who knows how long. I can’t cope with this all anymore, and now they’re pushing something that could potentially help me to one side because of some ridiculous hormone imbalance.

My doctor said it could be down to stress that the levels are so high – I was stressed for days about the blood test. […]

I finally got the copy of the the letter my psychiatrist wrote to my doctor, and apparently I agreed to wait until September for the medication. I clearly said I wanted it before going away this month as the main reason I want it is to try and prevent having a complete breakdown while I’m in London.

Though, my therapist said she was emailing my psychiatrist about the meds as I told her I was suppose to have a prescription ready for when I had my blood test done. So my psychiatrist should be calling soon and I can sort out what’s happening.

I was left alone […]

I’ve had multiple breakdowns over the weekend, and it was so bad at one point that I didn’t talk for hours. I’m terrified of everything. People are trying to get in my house. People are trying to get me. I sit with a knife whenever I’m left alone. I’m so scared, and I don’t know what to do anymore. The voices have been getting worse, and I didn’t think that was possible.

Bree doesn’t leave me alone. I can’t even sit down with family for more than 30 minutes before I need a break from all the noise. Jeremy was here today, which was a nice […]

I didn’t get my prescription today, I need to wait until my psychiatrist gets the results before she signs one for me. So that should be another week, if I’m lucky. Great. The voices have been bad, and so has Bree. And I’ve been left alone to deal with them since everyone else has gone to bed.

I’ve attempted to distract myself with art tonight, but I’ve barely been able to focus on it. Resulting in too many times rubbing out mistakes to count. I’ve given up with it for now and gone upstairs.

Despite my mum making an effort to keep me happy this morning (and […]

I see my therapist at 9AM tomorrow morning. Despite multiple attempts to go alone, my mum is insistent someone goes with me and do my Nan is coming along. Fun.

I had to walk my brother to school today (50 minutes there and back), and on the way home two men were following me. I ran across main roads while traffic was still coming, not caring about possibly getting hit by an oncoming car. I got home and locked everywhere up, not allowing the dogs out for 2 hours, and I hid in the kitchen behind the breakfast bar.

After 2 hours of panicking and crying over […]

After an intense half hour of crying in the waiting room, and then several minutes of coaxing by my doctor for me to straighten my arm, I had my blood test.

I ended up having to give three tubes which I’m guessing is because of the amount of things I need to be testing for. Despite my doctor being one to joke around and playfully take the piss out of you, he was genuinely nice to me the entire time and talked to me through it.

After him saying all he wants is for me to get well, I’m slightly more convinced that the pills won’t be […]

My blood test is tomorrow morning. 9:20AM.

After a suspected wait of a few weeks before starting any medication, it looks like I’ll be starting them much sooner. I am terrified of having the needle in me. I can handle them taking the blood. Blood doesn’t bother me. I’m just undeniable petrified of needles.

It’s so bad that when my Nan called to announce my appointment tomorrow, I broke down instantly. I’ve been psyching myself up all day and night for it, but I’m so afraid of the initial ‘poke’ that I’m unsure if I can go through with it.

We managed to get my doctor to give […]

I spent the majority of my day staring down my new, full bottle of medication contemplating on whether to just do it. I have roughly 7 and a half bottles of my antidepressants hidden from when I never took them, and this new one make 8 and a half.

I forgot I had them all, but I was clearing out my room this morning when I came across them stashed all around the room. I’m not sure if there’s more, but this is all I found so far. The temptation to take them all is almost overwhelming.

Suicide has been at the forefront of my mind for […]

I seriously considered going to hospital this evening. I’ve been getting worse, and I really needed to be alone. But my aunt was coming up from London with her kids, and it was chaos. To top it off, Bree wouldn’t shut up either.

I had constant noise, be it from the voices, Bree or the kids, and my mum wasn’t even home. I was left with them all and my stepdad. The voices and Bree got so bad I ended up breaking down in the kitchen cooking my dinner.

I got myself ready to walk to the hospital (it’s a 15 minute walk, you can see the […]

Of course, my night of peace from Bree didn’t happen. I managed to sleep from 1-3, until I woke up for a drink. After staring at the ceiling for at least 40 minutes, Bree came in and didn’t leave. The voices came back around 5:30, also.

I roughly got 4 hours sleep in total last night, which means less than 16 hours of sleep this week total. Needless to say, exhaustion is catching up to me and I fell asleep this afternoon on the sofa for all of 20 minutes before my mum woke me up to pick my brother up from school. Fun.

The voices have […]

So I saw my psychiatrist today and I was somewhat honest with her. I explained how the voices are getting bad and stopping me from focusing (I didn’t mention Bree), despite my mum being in the room.

Turns out I’m going on antipsychotics now. I planned to do research on it, but I can’t for the life of me remember the specific one and I forgot the leaflet at my session. I’m not too worried as much about actually taking the pills anymore, I’m more anxious about the blood tests. Specifically the one I need to have within the next week or so. And then the […]

The voices and Bree have been horrendous for the last 2 weeks. I haven’t been able to get out of bed until the afternoon the last few days because I literally just can’t face pretending nothing’s happening while I’m around family.

I’m exhausted tying to hide this from everyone. I can’t focus on a conversation for more than a few minutes because they’re so distracting. Bree doesn’t leave me alone of a night, so I’m not sleeping. Everything is shit.

My mum doesn’t notice, none of my family do. All my energy goes into making sure they think I’m okay so they don’t get uncomfortable knowing the […]