Author

kamidaka

Hatred

by kamidaka 6/16/2016

written by kamidaka

There’s this classmate I have. She has the same dream I had when I was still a human being: to be an animator. She knows a lot of things that I know, she likes anime, her parents support her, she has a lot of money and she really enjoys studying in that university. But she’s very ugly, mean to weak people and talks so fucking loud ffs.

I want to harm her so badly. She has everything I would want to have, and has the opportunity to live the dream. But I won’t let her.

Here’s the deal: if I get to live the dream, then I won’t […]

6/16/2016 14 comments

Just let me sleep

by kamidaka 6/15/2016

written by kamidaka

I like to sleep a lot because I love to dream. Dreams are so much better than this horrible reality. I’ve practiced a lot by now, and I can remember everything I dream and sometimes control it. I love it.

Inside the dream the world is different. You get to live the adventure, be the hero, talk to that person, go to that place you’ve always wanted, feel the hope, the happiness, the real joy of being alive.

But it also hurts so much when you wake up.

Reality feels numb compared to my dreams. I feel like I’m not really here. But in my dreams everything makes sense, […]

6/15/2016 6 comments

The reasons behind our wounds

by kamidaka 6/10/2016

written by kamidaka

I’ve noticed that people who cut have different reasons behind it. Maybe that’s why no psychologist can help them to completely stop, because they assume a reason behind it and they don’t really care if it’s true. Scars have different meanings for everybody, so now I’m asking you what do they really mean to you?

For me, my scars represent I’m fighting and surviving. That the pain isn’t just inside my head.

Have a lovely night.

6/10/2016 6 comments

Afraid of hope

by kamidaka 6/9/2016

written by kamidaka

Has it happened to you? That things seem to be fine and promise that they’ll get better, but you’re afraid the hopes you’re building will make you suffer when everything finally crashes?

I’m trying to get an scholarship to Japan. But my biggest fears are the evaluation tests. Especially:

Math

I’m not going to study something related to science but they’ll still make me take that exam. And I’m so scared I even cowered from presenting my application.

Everybody keeps telling me that I’m so smart I shouldn’t worry. But THAT’S NOT TRUE. I’m the only one that knows it, I’m dumb as fuck. I’ve tried, god knows how […]

6/9/2016 4 comments

Why am i even trying?

by kamidaka 6/7/2016

written by kamidaka

I’m a failure. I can’t do anything right.

I’m studying a career I don’t understand a thing of. My grades are low, just a little above the 50%. Everybody here knows a hell lot more than me and professors always assume everybody is as brilliant as them so they teach at a really fast pace.

I’m so slow and dumb. I feel so tired everyday, so dead inside. The things I like hurt me because they’re so great and beautiful, and I’m not worthy of them. I don’t even know a lot about them because I’m forced to focus on the things I hate.

I don’t know if […]

6/7/2016 4 comments

I fell

by kamidaka 5/26/2016

written by kamidaka

From the second floor of my apartment building.

I’ve never felt so alive in my whole life! So many emotions at once! It’s incredible, I can’t even manage to explain it.

I’ll always cherish the memory of me falling. Time seems to slow down when you’re falling and even more when you already reach the ground.

I have three deep cuts, and I feel so fucking proud of them. I’m so happy you can’t even imagine. So so so happy. I’m crying of happiness (not of pain like everybody believes, physical pain means nothing to me).

I’m ready, more than ever.

5/26/2016 3 comments

Advice, please?

by kamidaka 5/4/2016

written by kamidaka

I need some advice. The more people respond to this thread the better, please.

Some of you might recognize me and know what I’m going through, well I may have found a way out.

There’s this scholarship I can apply for that will allow me to go to Japan for a degree. I match almost all the requirements, the only thing left to do would be the knowledge test. But…

I will die next year, that’s a real fact. So what if I get the scholarship? An entire government will put their trust in me, but I will fail them and end up dying. All the resources they’ll […]

5/4/2016 8 comments

I want to sleep

by kamidaka 4/25/2016

written by kamidaka

I’m so tired. My body is so tired, I can feel it. I’ve feeling nauseous all the time and my muscles feel sore. I can’t wake up without feeling I’ll throw up. My sight is getting blurry and my head hurts like hell. It’s getting harder to move. It’s getting harder to breathe.

It’s like my body is giving up on me.

Please, not yet. Please. You promised me.

4/25/2016 2 comments

My only reason

by kamidaka 4/23/2016

written by kamidaka

I don’t really know how the idea came to my mind, but I’ll do it.

As many of you know, my life is a living hell, and yeah, a lot of people wonder how am I still alive.

There’s something in this world that I love with all my soul, with all my heart. No matter what happens to me, that little thing puts a smile on my face. It brightens my day.

And now, I’ll try to make something for that thing. The thing that keeps me alive.

I’ll have to give up on the idea of trying to leave again, because I’ll need some money. […]

4/23/2016 0 comment

Long showers and scars

by kamidaka 4/22/2016

written by kamidaka

I like to take long showers. Under the falling water, the mud that covers my body constantly disappears. They know that, so they don’t allow me to take long showers.
I like to make myself scars. I obviously don’t like the pain that it implies to make them, but I like to have them. The bigger the better. No, not in the wrists, that’s disgusting. On my chest, on my stomach.
Why? Because I like to see a physical proof that I’m fighting, that this horrible war isn’t just inside my head.
I like to see myself in the mirror to watch my scars. They […]

4/22/2016 9 comments

I need to try

by kamidaka 4/20/2016

written by kamidaka

Today was rape day.

This time, however, my mother was gentler. She didn’t leave me any big bruises. She even gave me some tea and covered with a warm blanket.

I’ll stop eating. I need to save money. I need to try to escape once more. Last time didn’t go well, but I need to try.

Edit: My back hurts and there was a dead spider in the tea. She’s mad, I know.

4/20/2016 2 comments

More guilt

by kamidaka 4/20/2016

written by kamidaka

Even now, in the middle of the night, my mother makes me feel like shit.

I am currently working on some dumb project for university. I’m in the living room.

My mother came and told me: “You are the worst daughter of the world. You won’t let me sleep with your constant typing. I’m going to an hotel because I NEED to work to earn money for me and your dumb ass. You cost me a lot of money and that’s how you retribute me? Ungrateful little shit” *slam*

But, it’s not like I even wanted to study in the first place?? I’m doing this because you ordered […]

4/20/2016 1 comment

Why can’t I do anything?

by kamidaka 4/19/2016

written by kamidaka

This morning I was thinking of posting my last thoughts somewhere, just in case. I’m glad I came across this.
I will kill myself on an August 15th. I don’t really know the year, but that date will be. I’m supersticious of a certain event and I want to try out if it’s real or not.
The only thing that has kept me alive until now is anime, and will still until the August 15th.
My parents blame anime of my “weird” condition. What they don’t know is that it’s because of them I want to kill myself
I’ve tried so hard to get away […]

4/19/2016 9 comments

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