I have a lot going for me. I have college ahead and an amazing boyfriend. He gives me the world and loves me more than anyone else has. I know that I love him. But it feels weird sometimes because I go through these moments where I don’t feel anything and I don’t like it. I love him more than anything but when I feel nothing, I am so mean. I forget that people have feelings and I lash out and act like a flaming ****. I hate it but when I’m this way, its like I’m moving through a daze and I am just […]
I feel like I am losing it. I feel myself slipping and I am so scared I’m going to lose my shit. I don’t want to be who I used to be. I don’t want to cut, I don’t want to try and kill myself. I like being in the real world and not locked up in one place after another. I like the freedom. But I feel like I am going to do something I will regret.. God, what the fuck is wrong with me. Why can’t I be normal and feel normal and think normal. I just want to be safe.. I barely […]
I tell myself, one more step, every day. When I wake up, I think, just one more day. I try to keep my mind on one day, one moment, at a time. Because when I begin to let my mind drift, I start to slowly drift away. Sliding into an uncontrollable downward spiral. I cannot keep living my life through the small window I have allowed myself. I feel as if I am completely alone. My boyfriend, is gone. Our relationship fell apart after I lost our baby due to a miscarriage. My rape case against my father has been dismissed. So, he is on […]
Suicide. Such a lovely topic, isn’t it? The title of this post is what I hear every time I say I’m suicidal. But I have a question.. I have had the same issues since I was a small child, and they are only getting worse. Every night I lay down, and I dream about picking up the loaded gun that sits on my bedside table and ending it all, once and for all. But I am terrified of a few things. Not of dying. Not of possible pain. But of the pain it would cause others. Or the possibility that someone, in the future, might […]
Many things can happen in life,
This I know.
But what do you do,
When the pain is to much to bare.
You hurt yourself,
And call It fair,
You tell yourself that it is your you fault,
That you should have cared.
Now it’s to late.
I didn’t think it would happen to me. At all. Why would it happen? That is what I don’t understand, he tries to help, and I know he cares. It hurt him too, but why? Why does it hurt? Why am I so upset? The baby, can I […]
I’m done trying to be an A student. I’m doing trying to be the perfect daughter. The amazing girlfriend. I’m done trying to be happy. I used to think that there was always something better but why look towards the future when you have to live in the present and your past always haunts. I’m tired of being terrified of my own father. I’m tired of putting on a fake smile everywhere I go. I’m not trying to complain but honestly, I haven’t felt this suicidal for a really long time. It feels like there is no hope left in the world. I don’t want […]
I am here to tell you one thing. Death isn’t my solution, it is my hideaway spot. The place I dream about when things get bad, the place I think about when I want to end things, but cant bring myself to do it. I find it comforting to dream about what could be if I died, but then it begins to scare me, it begins to make me feel alone, and sometimes I don’t know what to do. How to handle life, how to keep going. Im so tired of struggling, so tired of living off of nothing, having to rely on others, I […]
I haven’t posted in a while, I dont know why.. But I have a story to tell. I was looking for my sleeping pills, my Trazadone, when I found my moms Phenobarbital, which is a hypnotic. I used to be addicted to a lot of drugs, more than I ever thought possible. I broke those habits two years ago when I was 15, now I have fallen back into them. I have become dependent on these pills and I am trying to stop, but at first I didnt see a point, yes it can kill me, yes its hurting me. But maybe I was wrong. I […]
I told him i wanted to kill myself. That i even planned it out for that night. I think im falling back into my old eating disorder habits, especially since i checked my weight. I feel like a waste of space and i know he loves me, but it feels like he is the only one. Is there anyone else who cares, I know suicide is a selfish thing, the most selfish thing, a person can do to another. But sometimes it seems like the only option. What to do.. what to do…
My mom just found my stash and now I’m pretty scared as to what she’s going to do. I am trying to stay calm but it is very hard.
I try to be happy but it’s hard. I know i probably sound very whiny but just because people have it worse than me doesn’t mean I can’t be upset over my life. I have gone though a lot and I am tired of people treating me like my problems mean nothing. I matter too and so do my problems. You can’t go around assuming people don’t have it bad because you have no idea what they’ve gone though.
I know others have it worse off than I do. But does this mean I cannot grieve over my own life. I know this makes me sound bad, but just because one has it worse off than the other does not mean you cannot be sad about your own life.
What does it mean to be happy? Is it the love I see when I look at the only person who loves me? Or is it the disgust I get when I gaze upon my broken mother and distant brother.
My friends have long since abandoned me to my own mind […]