love the song. should change my username. had a 3 tissue session with wendy today. discussed what i meant when saying i felt like i was blocked. that my short bursts of intense emotions are maybe cracks in the “wall”. and that is why they come and go so easily. and what is on the other side of that wall? i don’t know. and the thought of finding out is terrifying. wendy says to embrace those emotions and try to see what is causing them. but the “blocking” comes so easily i don’t know how to stop it. i am scared of losing control. i […]
i apologize if this all sounds kind of random. i have been having a hard time trying to organize my thoughts. being organically enhanced has nothing to do with it by the way. it is 420 on wednesday and a feeling of dread is filling me. my alone time is quickly coming to an end. every evening is becoming a chore to not get into a fight with dave. i don’t know if i am just hypersensitive but his snide remarks and general sarcasm upset me and are generally wearing me down. tired, so very tired. as i mentioned my mood has taken a dive. […]
taking a break from household drudgery to write something. got a nice buzz going, listening to some old Offspring. hadn’t listened to it for awhile. if you are familiar with the Ixnay cd you know “amazed”. that song seems to sum up my current thinking. the next song “save the world” reflects my worldview perfectly right now. just some insight into me. subject to change, of course.
you are right wendy. after some thought i realize that is what i am doing. i am pushing away my husband, my family, friends, and now the both of you. but the hurt and the anger were real. this disturbs me. despite current appearances i am not prone to hysterics. and that was exactly what i was after leaving the office. i don’t know where that came from. though i suspect hormones had a role to play. it freaks me out to know that my subconscious mind is in a way conspiring against me. that leads me to believe that my suicide if not imminent […]
i can’t fucking believe you! i pour my heart out to you and all you take from it is some imaginary threat? are you paranoid or something? why is it all about you?wow i am stunned. i leave your office sobbing-again. aren’t you supposed to be keeping me from killing myself? instead of throwing fuel on the fire? how can you be so tone deaf? first it was ” am i on the list” ? like i even know you or something. then you are offended by my surprise that you called me at the hut. then you are offended again that i was surprised […]
well a lively chat today. i was surprised that you had already read last nights post. and surprised that you would be offended by that surprise. seriously my cynicism has everything to do with my self loathing and not your personal or professional capabilities. my previous therapist never called me at the hut . and i know that i am just one of many that you see. i did notice by the way that you zinged me pretty good. yes i know that killing myself would leave a mess for others to clean up. both literally and figuratively. i also know that my family and […]
therapy sessions are getting heavy. considering hypnosis to look into possible abuse. i have been using pot to numb myself-trying to escape from myself. thinking gets me in trouble-the more i think the more i believe the abuse happened. it is scary to believe. opening pandora’s box. i don’t know if i am strong enough to handle what comes out of this. i think about suicide a lot. thinking about other means to an end. the gun option would require a little work. but there are other possibilities within easy reach. there is this feeling of impending doom i can’t seem to shake. been having […]
the month of february has been quite eventful for me. unfortunately none of the events have been good. mentally i am a mess. underneath the usual depression there is a sense of panic stricken terror. something awful is coming but i can’t identify what it is. something is going on with my physical health. bp is way high which is unusual for me. the jitters, dizziness and sense that i am not in control are scaring the shit out of me. it is like one badass panic attack that continues day after day. usually when i am stressed like this i write. but lately i […]
the warm fuzzy feeling i had last week didn’t last too long. the feeling that maybe life isn’t such a bad thing and maybe there was hope for the future. my talent for self sabotage rears its head again. it is a talent rooted in self protection. always waiting for the other shoe to drop. no good deed goes unpunished so to speak. if i feel good about myself and life karma always seems to find a way to kick me in the ass. i tell you god is one twisted mofo. but as i am constantly reminded i am still here. can’t be all […]
it has been a week since last week’s drama. i go in for an appt tomorrow and i am nervous. going to the scene of the crime. i hope no one there will recognize me as the loser who had a police escort out of the building. my emotions run the gamut from being hopeful about the future to actively suicidal. even when i was at the hut i found myself writing down lyrics to songs about suicide. if you are into rock music you know metallica’s fade to black and megadeth’s a tout le monde. again my “death wish” comes through. the fact that […]
it is official i should learn to keep my mouth shut. got into a wee bit of trouble on tuesday. i bought a gun. i had been meaning to do it anyway and on a whim did it. as it was i wa s having a unhealthy mental health day. spent an hour at doc clinic trying to calm down. anyway little did i know that the clinic would be the scene of the crime. i had made an appointment and put myself on the doc’s cancellation list. not thinking it would happen that day i went about my business of buying a gun and […]
so here is my story. i have suffered from major depression for more than 30 years. i first remember being suicidal at age 9. my middle school has 3 stories and i would look out the window wondering if the fall would kill me. never tried and never told anyone about those thoughts. tried the pill and cutting thing in high school. i also drank a lot. in college my dorm was 10 stories. i lived on the second floor. thought about jumping from a 10th floor window everyday. never told anyone about those thoughts either. after being married for just a year some heavy […]
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