ladolcemorte

In the hospital.  I’m stuck in the emergency department, waiting for a bed in a psych ward.  There are a bunch of us here in psych purgatory (all the beds are occupied in all the psych wards in the city and there is a long wait) and all that separates the beds are thin curtains.

It is impossible to avoid overhearing what the other patients are saying to the Drs.  There is so much sadness and despair in the world.  my heart is just breaking for all these people.  I feel worse than when I got here.

Well, made it through a family member’s birthday.  I told myself I would not off myself on a family member’s birthday because well, it’s pretty rude to interrupt the celebrations and even ruder to force the person to associate their birthday with your death.   (Am I the only one focused on timing in this regard?)

I’m preparing myself mentally and emotionally, and getting practical issues in order.

I’m fixated on the timing.  how much space do I need to leave between the family member’s birthday and my death day?  I guess there are no formal etiquette rules on this…something Emily Post just failed to turn her […]

This is unusual for me.  Usually I am overwhelmed with feelings. Usually everything is just too much: too much grief, too much despair, too much anguish.  Usually I want to die to escape the unyielding pain.

Today, suddenly, it all went from too much to nothing at all.  I don’t feel connected to anyone or anything, not even myself…whoever that is. (Not sure I ever really knew…except that it was someone I desperately did not want to be.)

Today everything is silent.  My reality feels muted somehow.  I’m seeing the world around me and interacting with it, but my vision is slightly blurred and everything sounds muffled…as […]

I used to not want to leave a note.   I feel like I have spent my entire life trying to explain myself to people.  Family, friends, clinicians…and nobody ever gets it.  Ever.

There is one person in my life though, who has tried harder than anyone else to “get” it.  And frankly, she doesn’t get it, but she’s come closer than anyone else ever has.

This person was a really good friend to me.  Such a good friend that she actually took me into her home so that I could have some time and space to get well.   I wanted, so badly, to get “well” […]

I am SO frustrated right now.   I’m miserable.  I want to die so badly…but I keep convincing myself that if I just try one more thing…just keep going…maybe things will turn around.

I am currently living with friends who took me in after the last suicidal crisis.  I’m working really hard.  Going to a CBT group and private therapy (that I can’t really afford) and an eating disorder group.

My therapist says I need to take the suicide option off the table, otherwise things won’t improve.  This makes pragmatic sense: if suicide is always on the table, it’s a distraction and it takes away time and […]

I’ve been wondering lately about what is going to happen to me after I do this….is it going to be all fire and brimstone? Or are there going to be fluffy clouds and angels playing harps? Or is it going to be dark nothingness? Or reincarnation in a world exactly like this one? Or maybe a world like this one but slightly better or slightly worse….

For some reason I thought about the sister of an acquaintance of mine who killed herself several years ago.   I barely knew the acquaintance, let alone her sister.  But I have this vivid memory of going grocery shopping with […]

Today I found out that my dog has been successfully re-homed. (He was with a good family for a trial run and it looked like they were keeping him, but today it was confirmed that they are taking him and we just need to fill out some adoption paperwork).

On the one hand I am relieved that he now has a good home.  And I’m glad I stuck around long enough to make sure that happened, as opposed to just offing myself and leaving a note behind with phone numbers of people who could assist in finding him a new home.

But my heart is broken.   […]

everything…

Yesterday I had a really long talk with the friend I’m currently living with.  (She invited me to stay with her and her husband so that I could take time off work to focus on my health.)

She was explaining that even though she knew all the details of all my mental health struggles before she offered to have me move in, she didn’t realize just how hard it would be to actually live with me.  She mentioned that last week I was  not myself and she was starting to feel that it was affecting her health to have me there but she was afraid to […]

I’m supposed to write a test for a job opportunity later today.  I haven’t slept AT ALL, nor have I gotten ANY studying done.  I just can’t focus.

I just have adrenaline coursing through my veins and I am TERRIFIED to receive this test via email.  I am having a very visceral flight or fight response, and I just feel like I need OUT.

And the thing is, this happens to me frequently when I’m trying to work or do something important, like taxes. (Instead of getting better with age it has gotten worse…when I was in school and university it would happen and I would power […]

It’s 1am…and I am attempting to study for a screening exam for a job opportunity tomorrow…and all week and all weekend, I should have been studying and I haven’t been able to concentrate at all.  Every time I do, I start having an anxiety attack, and I just want out.   So I try to calm down by listening to music, or calling someone, or posting here…

And here I am, wishing I had a time machine to go back to the beginning of the week and make myself focus better.  (If I could pass the exam, then there would be the hope that MAYBE I […]

I am listening to this song to try to convince myself to just “stay another day”.  ( Yes, I realize I am taking the song beyond the confines of its original meaning, but I think that’s allowed…)

I find music really helpful when I just can’t focus on anything else.  Sharing in the hopes that someone else might find some solace in this song too.

For me, feeling suicidal tends to manifest in different ways.  Sometimes it is a frantic, urgent, anxiety-induced need to escape.   Other times it is a sad sense of resignation infused with hopelessness.

And sometimes, it is a pragmatic solution divorced from any emotion whatsoever.  Just one of those things that needs to be done.  Like taking out the garbage or paying the electrical bill.

I’ve been going back and forth between planning my death and planning my life.    Sometimes I am convinced, with every fibre of my being, that death is the answer.  Sometimes it even feels like it is a compulsion, coming from outside […]

I’m trying hard to hold on and see if I can make this whole “staying alive” thing work…

But I just don’t see it.   And what is driving me CRAZY is that everyone keeps saying “you are so smart and educated, you’ll figure something out”.

Well, I’ve torpedoed all my job opportunities so far.  I’m certain I chose the wrong career and I would give anything to go back in time and pick a different path.  (I would love to go back to school but I don’t have the money—I don’t qualify for any more student loans because I am still drowning in the ones I […]

So I wrote before about how, as a child I had never had a Prince Charming fantasy —I had always dreamed of having a female best friend.   (Totally platonic—no closet lesbianism).  I would watch Beaches and dream of a Barbra Hershey to my Bette Midler.   I would watch Muriel’s Wedding and dream of a Rachel Griffiths to my Toni Collette.  (I love that line when Toni Collette says to Rachel Griffiths “before I met you I used to sit in my room and listen to ABBA songs, and now, my life is better than an ABBA song”)

And I was so grateful because I […]

Other times when I have felt suicidal, it has been this urgent, anxiety infused need to escape. But now, I just feel like my will to live is slowly fading away.

I have an amazing friend who offered for me to come live with her and her husband for awhile, while I try to get well.

And I am trying. I am doing better than I have in a long time. I have struggled with an eating disorder (EDNOS: Eating disorder not otherwise specified. Which makes me feel like a total failure—good grief, even in my dysfunction I can’t commit to anything). Last week I went the […]

I have lived so many years through this push and pull of coming to the brink of suicide and reeling myself back in, time after time. Two failed attempts, and many imminent plans that were interrupted somehow.

This year, I am getting out of the chronic push and pull. I’m either going to improve my life to the point where it is worth living, or I am going to execute my  plan.

I am going to put forth the best effort I can to change things. I will give myself until my birthday in May to determine whether things are different enough to justify staying alive.

It makes […]

I think I am finally reaching the acceptance stage. I have been in a lot of anguish for the last few months. Wishing I didn’t have to die, trying so hard to make things work even though it was quite obvious to anyone looking in that the damage had been done.

Tonight I went to see a movie. Just to escape the torment that is my life. It was a funny movie. (Bad Moms’ Christmas…highly recommend it….not exactly a specimen of cinematic genius but it was funny and a good way to pass the evening.  Also, Christine Baranski is amazing)

I felt really calm afterward. I was […]

I hate myself so much.  I hate absolutely everything about myself.  I am fat, ugly, stupid, and lazy.  I am incapable of doing anything right.

I used to dream of being successful.  Now, I can’t even manage average.

I have ruined every career opportunity that has come my way.  Opportunities I was damned lucky to get.  I blew them all.

People keep telling me how much fucking potential I have and how I just have to figure out how to reach it.

I’m so tired of hearing it.  I don’t think it is true but even if it is, clearly I haven’t figured out how to reach this elusive […]