Author

Namelessqueer

I'm a wanderer, passing the time and jumping from vine to vine until my arms get tired and I rest. Sometimes I fall, sometimes I plunge hoping the darkness will swallow me whole but I wake up in my bed everyday and usually convince myself to get up and do things. I believe in love, not romantic love but the love that compels you to help someone carrying a heavy load, spare a tissue so someone can wipe their cheeks, or smile with your eyes even when you're in pain. Love is a morsel of hope that whispers tomorrow will not be today and so it has to be different, maybe not better but different for sure.

A new day

by Namelessqueer 3/3/2016

written by Namelessqueer

yet i still didn’t want to get out of bed. I’m pretty impressed i managed to one step at a time. taking of my clothes from yesterday one article at a time. convinced myself to throw on some nice smelling spray deodorant and put on fresh clothes. I shoulda stayed in bed though.

Today I feel worthless. like a waste. I resigned form my job because I got another job offer at another place. I feel kinda awful, like I’m abandoning them. Like this new job won’t work out. Like I’ll be a failure and lose everything. I know this is what life is like but […]

3/3/2016 0 comment

I keep

by Namelessqueer 2/3/2016

written by Namelessqueer

pushing through the days somehow ignoring that nasty voice in the back of my head(sometimes at the forefront) that says I should die, that death would be easier, that death is sweet, that I should cry until I die. I’ve gone to the doctor lately who tells me she’s concerned about my weight gain and my liver. I googled diets that could help my liver and maybe i won’t drink as much anymore but im so sad and there is so much liquor in my fridge/freezer.

I’m at work pushing back the tears because they won’t help. I bumped into a friend from college and another […]

2/3/2016 9 comments

hopeless

by Namelessqueer 1/8/2016

written by Namelessqueer

I have been trying to push through but some days it gets too hard. I am not who I wish I were and I cannot have the impact that I wish I could have. I feel like I am useless and can’t help anyone. I feel like I’m stupid to try. Feel like I can’t help myself. Feel like there is no point living. feel like things are always tumbling but that sometimes i close my eyes and I can’t tell that they are. It feels like every time i open my eyes things are still melting away but I try to hide these feelings […]

1/8/2016 5 comments

Still around

by Namelessqueer 12/28/2015

written by Namelessqueer

Struggling to fight my morbid side, that’s what I call it. Still holding strong or so I hear. I feel like I’m flailing all the time. Barely in control but maybe that’s what I want to think.

Death comes slowly but surely. All I have to do is wait. Till then I’ll give it somewhere between 60 and 80 percent.

Take care all.

12/28/2015 2 comments

Haven’t been on for a while

by Namelessqueer 10/19/2015

written by Namelessqueer

not sure it’s cuz I’m doing better. Fighting this hopelessness. It’s a fucking douche.

10/19/2015 2 comments

by Namelessqueer 7/9/2015

written by Namelessqueer

I’m still around. Figuring things out one day at a time. Engaging in things that while not the best for me help me get through the day. Harm reduction is important. If stupid flirting helps me get through or a cigarette or a drink then yes let’s do this. I’m not dependent on them but they help.

I make it to work, even make it on time some days. But I get my work done and there aren’t too many things that I am lagging in. I mean I know some things fall at the way side but I can’t figure out how to stop it.

Time […]

7/9/2015 1 comment

by Namelessqueer 6/10/2015

written by Namelessqueer

I want to lie to my therapist/ I already did, it’s just that she would worry. I just wish I’d die so i could not have to do any of this. I feel like nothing is inside. I feel like I can’t even die correctly. I feel like ice is just not new me. I feel like there are no words to this game i’m playing I feel like nothing matters and i hate it all. I feel like love is not enough. I feel like everything is wrong and there is no way to fix it.

6/10/2015 0 comment

Baltimore

by Namelessqueer 4/30/2015

written by Namelessqueer

Dear city of more,

It seems like it will never end. I want to be out in the streets with you, out fighting the good fight but I am debilitated by this sorrow. I am not able to do my own work. I can only read articles and weave through media to get tangled in this debate that is no debate at all. I send to you love, the little I have in my heart. I am worn but will resist in the ways I can and will be there when I can, as much as I want to just die and not have to see […]

4/30/2015 1 comment

I’m trying to remember

by Namelessqueer 4/13/2015

written by Namelessqueer

…what it was like to feel deep sadness as a young person. Well, really as a younger person because I am still young. I mean I see all of these high school folks on here feeling broken because they feel as if they have no friends, feeling lonely and I feel for them. I wonder how their sadness is similar and different from that sadness which I felt at their age. The internet was a smaller place 15 years ago, not much smaller but a bit. Blogs were less popular, there were less voices on sadness. Now it seems like there […]

4/13/2015 1 comment

maybe if…

by Namelessqueer 4/11/2015

written by Namelessqueer

i drink enough ill die of sa ruptured trachea or alcohol poisoning or dehydration. yea!

4/11/2015 2 comments

yay they unblocked this website at work

by Namelessqueer 4/7/2015

written by Namelessqueer

now I can spend more time thinking about how I’m falling apart without having to go through proxy websites to read the entries here.

That being said. I feel like i’m falling apart. I feel like i should be in the psych ward. I got a cut on my wrist but i don’t know how. I was washing my dishes on Sunday and I noticed it. it’s about an inch long and perfectly straight. I noticed because I’d started bleeding. I started looking at the my knives that i was cleaning to see if i had done it accidentally but i didn’t see blood on any […]

4/7/2015 0 comment

Still

by Namelessqueer 4/1/2015

written by Namelessqueer

I wonder if I’ll make it. I barely survive. I do not know what to do or who I truly am. I feel at the core of me jealousy for those who survive but also I need them to survive. I think they deserve everything they have and need, wish I could give them more.

This all feels meaningless when we think about the corners of our heart that keep wearing down, rounded by time, as rocks by the sea, to slide more seamlessly as the tides overwhelm.

I do not know that the love I have is enough to keep me here. I struggle and […]

4/1/2015 5 comments

In Vermont

by Namelessqueer 3/29/2015

written by Namelessqueer

With my besties. So proud of my friend who’s graduating from college.

But I feel like I don’t belong here. like I shouldn’t be here. Like I’m not really a bestie, like I’m just here because of some nuanced sense of whats right or honor.

My friends said that I was not polite, mostly related to lude jokes and statements about moms being sexual beings. I guess I relate to my mom differently. I wish she would go out and have a life and love and fuck for god’s sake. She’s not dead. She’s a human. I don’t want to treat her as if she is this […]

3/29/2015 1 comment

today

by Namelessqueer 3/19/2015

written by Namelessqueer

i’m laying in bed watching Grey’s Anatomy because I can’t with life. I can’t deal with it, i don’t want to talk to anyone. i don’t want to be anywhere.

3/19/2015 1 comment

made it to 2015

by Namelessqueer 1/5/2015

written by Namelessqueer

…made it to work today. It was hard but I tried to call on god, the universe and all the powers that be to get me here. I made it. Can’t focus but I’m here. trying to focus. Trying to get on the right track but I can’t do anything except think about my inner sadness.

I want to break free (just like Freddy mercury) but it’s hard. I break free a bit and then get some things done but then I’m back inside like a boomerang. Today is particularly bad.

My boo gets home tomorrow. maybe she’ll even want to see me. She makes […]

1/5/2015 0 comment

by Namelessqueer 12/2/2014

written by Namelessqueer

Oh the magic of proxy browsers to get to all those websites your pesky boss has blocked. Fuck this. I’m so tired. I don’t really wanna fight anymore or hold on. I’m pretty sure I will because there’s nothing else to do but I won’t enjoy it.

12/2/2014 0 comment

Can you take me higher?

by Namelessqueer 11/29/2014

written by Namelessqueer

Yes Creed.

Still alive folks. worried because I’m struggling not to slide into sadness again. I mean things do feel a bit different now that I’m on meds but I’m starting to think abut death a few times a day instead of one or two. And not always as a joke or an escape.

Started going to church again but it’s weird cuz it’s not the denomination i’m used to but there is a lot of singing and hugs so I’m figuring it out. I’m trying to see if being connected with God or the Universe will make this all feel different.

I constantly have to do lists in […]

11/29/2014 1 comment

Blocked

by Namelessqueer 10/22/2014

written by Namelessqueer

So they blocked this website at work. I’m not sure if they saw that i was visiting it an inordinate amount daily or it’s a coincidence. I can’t really look at it as often as I’d like.

I stayed home today. but I called in sick, showered and ate so I think i’m doing pretty good. I’m not letting things fall apart but I don’t know how I’m gonna make it tomorrow.

I feel stupid. I’m a bit ashamed of my sadness but at the same time I want to be out about being sad and sometimes suicidal. I hate the stigma. the fact that I’ve used […]

10/22/2014 3 comments

death

by Namelessqueer 10/7/2014

written by Namelessqueer

it seems far away but close by. while my meds are helping me think of it less day by day the universe resists. A friend from college committed suicide last week. It’s taking some time to hit me and i still don’t know if I have it for real. I lit some candles. went to the wake, saw the body. But I still can’t. I can’t describe how i feel or what I’m thinking. I know that before in my head I would laugh when i thought about killing myself. I don’t laugh anymore. It’s not that it feels more real or less real but […]

10/7/2014 1 comment

Disheveled

by Namelessqueer 9/15/2014

written by Namelessqueer

Sometimes I feel out of place, and messy. I’m not sure if I’m meant to be here, not sure if I’m meant to survive. I’ve made mistakes and I try to own them and incorporate change into my life. Others make errors and i try to forgive but not forget. I try to combat these repetitive thoughts that tell me I should go home and lay in bed or stay home and lay in bed or lay on the floor for an hour or two or until my heart feels less heavy.

I feel stuck often but the medication might actually be helping this time. This […]

9/15/2014 0 comment

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