Nat....

Wow, Hey guys. Haven’t been on here for a very long time. I want to be able to say that I have gotten better, I want to be able to say that I’m happy. But the truth is I just don’t really know how to be happy anymore.

Anxiety and stress are controlling my life at the moment, No matter how hard I try I usually end up giving in to it and cry. I would be completely lost without my boyfriend, the five hour time difference doesn’t even bother me just so long as I have him on skype. I still feel comforted even when […]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyn6qcQt3QA

I love that song so much. I doubt any of you will the take the time to listen to it though, Maybe when I’m gone? A beautiful little reminder of the not so beautiful Natalya….

Damn those full stops  Fucking OCD. Speaking of which, Today I nearly shouted at the air to stop touching me. I physically had to stop myself. This started when I looked up the side effects of the Anti-depressant I have been prescribed. I had a ‘mini’ (Lol) Breakdown and developed a small fear of people touching me. I avoided everyone last lesson and walking home…. Which was kinda hard considering I […]

On Thursday 4th October, I had a mental health assessment. During which concerns for my well being arisen. I told her about my rope and the plans.. And she admitted me to Hospital. In which I stayed until Monday 8th October.

For the first night, I believed i might have a chance of going home the next day. So I felt okay being there. On the Friday I had a meeting with two Intensive care workers, Who wanted to keep me in until Monday where i would have another assessment. I also had to have a 1to1 nurse at all times. Even when i was sleeping, they had […]

Yeah. That happened. And today is the day! :O Nothing bad has happened yet.. Well.

I woke up this morning to a lot of messages. :I People ‘Worrying’ Also had a message from my friend, Aaron. Who then told me that my sister is self-harming. Still haven’t been able to talk to her about it but my dad knows. So does that make it okay?

I didn’t get to attempt this morning. And I can’t try tomorrow morning as my friend is coming round and staying the night. To some that is a good thing.

I just don’t know what to do anymore…. 🙁

That fucking hurt. Ouch.

‘Going to throw a party next Thursday, Hopefully got something to celebrate’ I hope you realize how fucking sick that is. Twat.

So anyways, Yeah. Next Thursday. Let’s do it Nat. Things aren’t going to get better, are they? Just going to get worse. So come with me.. We can go and we can go to that place.

What is wrong with me? why has the past two days been terrible.

I had a breakdown at school today. I genuinely believed that the school were going to do something to us, I couldn’t stand being in a classroom full of guys. I felt so alone.. And […]

Rhetorical questions. I don’t expect anyone to do anything. Part of me doesn’t want them to.

It’s the 27th of September next Thursday, Those of you who know me well will know how I feel about this date. For those of you that don’t, I guess you will find out.

Today has been shit. Really shit. To the point where I realized that I don’t want to do this anymore, And don’t fucking tell me that medication will help. I know it won’t, It will just basically numb my emotions so i’m like a lifeless robot (funnily ironic right?) I don’t want to do these routines anymore, I figured […]

Simply, I miss him. When he left he took the part of me that isn’t broken, The beautiful and happy Nat. But now that he’s gone.. I don’t know what I am. I’m not Nat anymore… I’m more like a mix of different Nats. I’m always different…

That whole little paragraph is incredabily self centered. Fuck my life…

So Nat, Let’s go to school.. And pretend like everything is okay. Don’t let people know what’s going on your head. It would probably just scare them anyways. Just count down the lessons, Hours, Minutes even seconds if you must.. Just gotta get to 3.05pm…

This post is dedicated to Pepperpep4. Who I hope is still with us and managed to get the help she needs… If not, I hope you’re in a better place. Beautiful Angel <3 The title is from a song that she shared shortly after she… well… you already know that part.

But yeah, Basically I’ve came to a lot of realizations this week.. And i’m just glad it’s nearly over. It seems all I have done is tried to keep other people happy. Maybe that’s all i’m good for …. Keeping people happy, Even in what might be their last moments… Maybe my time will come. […]

Some people asked for artwork… Well here ya go! 🙂 Some of my better drawings.. Alien was done just a few minutes ago.

I think it’s time to stop all of this.

As in the SP and the chatroom. I’ve met some amazing people, which is hard. Knowing that all of them are suicidal. Which just increases my fear and blows it ridiculously out of proportion.

I’m feeling okay right now. Apart from having the flu. -_-

You people are amazing. And you deserve the right to a happy life. I’m past that point now, That dream ended when the mental health problems took over.

I will make myself avaliable to anyone who needs a little help, Or even just someone to talk to and possibly relate to. I’m no therapist though… […]

Wow. Long title.

Fuck life, right?

I had such a good yet fucked up weekend, And I actually get this feeling that next week might, MIGHT, be okay.

It’s just a shame that not everyone can feel how i’m feeling. It’s sad, this world.

And now family. Yey for family. Who the fuck needs them? Because I don’t think I do… :/

Maybe I should just go? Like runaway, Maybe? I don’t know where I would go.

I don’t know what to do. I really don’t.

Things will be okay, Nat. They will… One way or another.

You can do this.