It’s been so long since I was here for the last time. I’ve met wonderful people and I lost some others. My life has been crazy, so freaking crazy. And now I’m just so full of fear. Life is happening so fast and I am so young. I’m so afraid and so alone. What will I do? So alone, so young, so far away from everyone and the only person I have is myself.I’m overwhelmed by choices. What do I do? How can a child know what to do? So much has changed in so little time. There’s just so much to do that it’s […]
My mom and I are leaving my dad. In less than a month.
The thing is, it won’t be simple. I wished for things to get better blowing a candle the day of my birthday, Â as a Christmas miracle too. We won’t have much money to start this because despite of his alcoholism, Â my dad is especially good at making money. This sudden moving plan is poorly planed, Â but we are desperate. We are moving to a different town, have no real home there or stable job for my mom. Fortunately we have my grandparents, they will give us a place to stay while we get […]
So I haven’t been here in a while. Right now I’m on a chatroom for depressed/suicidal people and that kind of stuff. However I am too shy to say anything of what I want to say because I don’t want to bother them. At least here you guys can just ignore my post and so I don’t feel like I am forcing you to talk to me and that makes me feel less annoying.
Anyway so I haven’t been feel great lately. I just get this weird, awkward feelings I can not describe. They are not emptiness, nor pain. I don’t know what they are […]
I am not used to love. When I fall in love, I get physically and mentally sick. When  first realize that I am in love, I want to throw up, my stomach starts to hurt, I start to have a hard pain in my chest if I’m not with that person, I feel suddenly tired and really sleepy. I start feeling so sad, really sad and out of me. Eventually, if I am not with that person, I start feeling depressed and then suicidal. I would describe this as some kind of poisoning.
I met a girl online and she introduced me one of her […]
I do not want this. I want to be somewhere else. I understood I can’t deal with love. I can’t love, I can’t love the way you do. The way I love is: I live him/her, that means I should leave him/her alone so that person can be happy. When I feel the “I want to be with you” love it’s pretty weird, because all I want is just run away, I feel like I want to throw up.
My doubts have been confirmed; my dad is an alcoholic. He’s as depressed as I am, and he wants this back to normal. I miss being a […]
I hate you, I really do. Well, most of you. Ok, I don’t hate you, I just think most of you are not helping, not always. I came to this site and since the beginning I’ve been wondering why you comment a lot in some post and you ignore others (which sometimes are desperate screams for help, and no, I’m not talking about me, I’m talking about a lot of people who come here with the hope of being helped and you just try to find something interesting to be amused for a while). Really, why do you like ignoring some of the post and commenting in […]
Please, please, please help me. PLEASE, HELP ME, PLEASE. I’m having an attack of paranoia and I am about to become insane. I need to sleep, haven’t slept in 2 days and Im so scared. I think someone is watching me, please don’t hurt me. I feel someone is coming for me, the death, don’t let me die, please dont let me die. Help me, please, help me. If a take a pill amoxicillin will be okey me? Help me,  can’t stand this shit s horrible. Some is scaring me, he’s watching, please don’t come for me, leave me alone. Please, please.  You’re hurting someone, PLEASE […]
pills in the pocket
a letter in the other
a premonition of death
about a girl with a bag in the back door
or was it her sister who the neighbor saw?
This may sound really stupid, but, please, try to think like me for a second.
My birthday was like three or four days ago. I made a post about it but most of you cared only about the religious debate that it brought. Anyway, the day before my birthday my bird escaped and I’m destroyed. He was my only friend (can you believe it?), all I have and I really love him. I think he’s dead. I am really hurt about this, I’ve lost loved ones before, but I’ve never cried like this. I’ve been crying for 3 days in a row.
Shit, my “friends”, those assholes, […]
Dear God
I hate you, you’re an asshole. Why am I still alive? You can’t do this to me, this is not fair and you know it. You have millions for torture, why me?  Is this some kind of revenge? This is a mistake and you’re  wrong. Is not fair and you can’t do this, is the worst thing you’ve ever done. Why you didn’t kill me, as you promised? I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
I’m sorry, but I think that’s so insulting.
Tomorrow: my fourteen birthday. Why do I have to grow up, to stop feeling like I can talk about myself saying the word “child”? I’ll get older, I don’t want to turn fifteen or sixteen or anything. I don’t want to be an adult, getting worried about the life, the money, my job, my family… I don’t want to get married with a guy that I met at college and  going to work every morning after drinking coffee and reading a newspapers without emotion. I have more reasons, that I can’t explain, for wanting this. I want to be thirteen years forever. […]
When we feel love or something like that for someone, we learn to suffer and hate like that person.We feel what they feel and sometimes we feel more. My cousin, my sister, we’re all scapegoats in this family. I am the little rude *****, my cousin Laura is a stupid satanic slut with a shitty life because of her black painted nails. And Layla, oh, the poor  little fat girl. She’s the destroyer and the devil, the sinner who ended our relative peace, because she tented grampa to sin and we all know he is a great man of God and that she is the […]
Dying has never been easy for any human being, at least for any of the human being I’ve met throughout my life. The idea of leaving the world for visiting some unknown existence is just scaring. But, for me, the worst thing about dying is never have the guarantee of seeing your loved ones again.
I said before that one of my friends, one of the important people in my life, was trying to hate me but he wasn’t able to. Well, now I know he hates me. I know, this is my fault. A friend, who I really trust, told me that he hates me. When […]
Ok, I’m going to work now, when you wake up this morning, please read my diary. Look through my things and figure me out.
alicedecristales.blogspot.com
Sorry because of the language stuff, but I’m not so smart. A desperate attempt to talk.
How can we know that we are loved? Kisses. I’ve never been kissed in my whole life. Yeah, I’m ashamed because of that. Come on, I’m a teenager and that means, to me, that I’ve never been loved, not even a child love. Well, when I was a seven or eight year old girl, a friend kissed me. Have you ever seen those kisses between children? Was something like that. He acted like a ************ with me the rest of my childhood, telling me that I was ugly and fat constantly. God, I hate the bastard. Anyway, that was my first kiss. I don’t know why that […]
I know I’ve been such a bad daughter. My mother is not perfect, my father neither. My mother can’t accept other ideas, and my father is too irresponsible. But, with all the bad things they do, I have no right to do this. Drugs, promiscuity, this is just wrong! My parents have done a lot of good things for me in my whole life, they’re really good persons (most of the time) and this is the worst way to pay them back. I’m so stupid. I hate myself so much.
I’m so glad of being here again. I was missing this, the people and the entries… everything. I feel really happy right now because I missed everyone.
Haven’t written in a while. It’s because I was busy, being a bad person. I already wrote a note to my imaginary friend (he killed himself a few weeks ago) apologizing because the things I’ve done. I’m sorry, I feel guilty. I think it wasn’t such a big deal but anyway… it was just wrong.
Talking about something else, I tried marijuana  last tuesday. It was an interesting experience, I wasn’t completely high but I did was feeling the effects of the drug. […]
I thought that, finally, we were starting to be a normal family, a happy family. I thought that two days ago. I was being really naive. My dad seemed to be more happy, more like he was when I was a child. But no. He usually leaves the house for days, but I thought those days were ended. Just because he seemed really happy. He left the house on thursday. First he go out and come back, then he leave saying something like “Be back at 3 am , but I didn’t understand what he said. Thanks, daddy.
It’s my fault too. He’s loveless, and my attitude to him doesn’t help. I […]
I’m not optimistic about the future. I think my life is already done. I know, or I think so, that I have skills and abilities. If I wanted to, I could do a lot of things, I could be anything: a genius, a hero, a loved one. Sometimes I feel like I were God, with all the possibilities and a whole life in front of me. And sometimes, I feel like a turtle: small, useless in most of the cases and always quiet and hiding. I know I’m not doing any of what I could do, just because I’m too stupid for doing it and, sincerely, too lazy. A […]
My dad and I… we have our own problems. He’s an addict, he can’t live without self-medication, doesn’t really likes doctors. One day, he fell and broke his knee. He was complaining about the pain, the problem that the injury causes for walking, for weeks. My mother told him to go with a doctor, but he refused. Since I can remember, he takes a lot of pills all the time. Now I do that too, sometimes.
His marriage with my mother has never been good. One of my oldest memories is my mother and my father in a room, and they were in opposite sides, running away […]
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