i’m so tired, it’s basically part of my personality now
what makes you, you? what makes me, me? nothing? are we all the same? if we aren’t, why do i and others feel the same way? why do others feel this indescribable feeling as well? no one should feel it. it’s hard to picture someone feeling this too, when you feel so alone, but it’s true. that’s just life. life.what makes life? what indicates someone is living a healthy and happy life? is there a compass? a map? a graph? what tells you who you are? others? yourself? so many questions. who can answer? no one. no one wants anything, yet everyone wants everything. be […]
today i went to work after about a week and a few days, kept my mind occupied. guess that’s a good thing?
still don’t feel great, but i’m currently too tired to actually think or move properly.
-v
it’s been a while since the last time i posted here, but i guess i wanna start posting regularly again, just so i don’t feel so alone.
today’s been kind of a blur. i noticed how whenever I’m feeling very very down, i just say “I’m tired”, or “I’m sleepy”.
I’ve felt very very lonely today, although i don’t think that’s quite the feeling, but it’ll do for now.
from tomorrow to sunday i work, and I’m not very up for it, but it’ll at least keep me occupied and I’ll be distracted for a while.
i think i need to chill out for a […]
Today’s just been horrible.
I always say to myself that I don’t think I could kill myself because of how my family would feel, but today I really couldn’t care less. Not a lot to say, but today I realized something I didn’t realize before
I am definitely, 100% sure that at some point I’ll take my own life.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,
but soon.
-V
Today I woke up feeling really depressed, so much so that I was in my room from 8am until about 4pm because I just wanted to be left alone.
When I got out to use the bathroom, I saw my keyboard. Now, even though I’ve never considered myself “good” at playing, I thought why not try and learn a song. And I did. After feeling the most depressed I’ve felt in days, I was able to escape and now I’m feeling not good but not bad either.
This post is kinda pointless, but I just wanted to share that playing an instrument, even if you’re […]
I feel like it’s time. But I don’t want it to be. I made a promise to myself, you see. I promised to wait until I was 21 to find something to live for.
Even though I really want to wait, I’m just tired. Waiting is probably the best way to describe my life and I feel like I can’t take it. Also, my head hurts all the time, without apparent reason. I don’t want to feel pain anymore, but I don’t want others to suffer because of me.
I’ve always prefered to be hurt if that means that someone doesn’t. Maybe that didn’t make […]
Last night I had the most triggering dream ever. I’ve been thinking all day about it and this is the most depressed I’ve felt in a while. Also, because of this, today I planned to tell my mum about it but then my brother decided to tag along. I didn’t tell her, probably never will. What a failure of a person, what a waste of space.
-V
Today is one of those days when it’s difficult to just exist. When thinking is your worst enemy. When you just want to disappear.
Even though it hasn’t been a particularly bad day, nothing feels right. I’m such an useless pessimist.
-V
It’s currently 12:54 AM and in less than an hour, my brother (basically the main reason why I’m alive today) will be leaving the country to live in Scotland. It’s a safe guess to say that today will be one of the hardest and saddest, if not the most, days I’ve lived. I don’t think I’m really prepared for this, at least emotionally.
I mean, he basically raised me. I really don’t know how this is going to affect my mental state, but as long as he’s happy, so am I.
After all, this will not be goodbye,
but until next time.
-V
Today is my mum’s birthday and I feel so let out of everything.
I mean, I know she doesn’t like me that much but is it really necessary to completely ignore me?
I just want something. Something to show me that I’m still here, because sometimes I’m so alone, i forget other people exist.
Just random, everyday thoughts.
-V
Everything I’ve achieved up to this point seems useless. Today I got my school year’s grades and I’m simply useless. Everything I’m doing is pointless. I wish I didn’t care about anyone and could end everything, but I don’t want to put my mum through that. Sleep is escaping me.
-V
“I’m afraid of dying” was something that I used to think and say a lot, but I have forgotten how it feels to be afraid and not ready to die.
For about 5 years, I’ve felt constantly sad. Can’t say I’m depressed since I’ve never been diagnosed, but I can say that feeling hopeless is now my “normal” feeling.
So I wonder, what is the normal “normal” feeling? It’s obviously not hopelessness, so what is it? I wish to love life again. Either that or just not live. It’s not like I’m actually living, anyways.
-V
Today I don’t feel like myself. Well, to be fair, I can’t really remember what’s it like to feel like myself. But it’s different this time… I guess I’m kind of realizing how bad I actually am since I cant manage to even leave my room without wanting to cry. Before, I thought it was because of school, but summer vacations proved me wrong. I have to find a way to get better on my own, just because of the fact that I’m terrified of speaking about this with anyone, specially my mom. Life is risk.
-V
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