words won’t come out.
talking and expressing anything seems like too much work, or like something too complicated that i can’t figure out.
and when i do try to reach out and open up to others, it always goes wrong. i try telling someone about the panic attack i had, and they assume i’m lying and then proceed to tell me i’m not trying hard enough, and that only makes everything harder for everyone. they tell me to try harder.
i thought i was trying my best. and i was. but it seems like, once again, my best wasn’t enough.
i tried to open up, and talk about how all i want to do these days is jump off a roof, and they just assume i’m joking, telling me all i have to do is get a job, and that others have it worse. that i have so many opportunities, and all i have to do is go out.
they don’t know i can barely get out of bed. i’m exhausted, i can’t sleep.
i tell them i’m not sleeping, falling asleep at 4 am and waking up constantly until i give up at 8 am. they say i should just try harder and not go to bed so late and i’ll feel better.
i try to tell them i don’t want to wake up again, and they say that’s my own fault for going to bed so late every day. they don’t get what i mean.
they say i should be happy, because others have it worse.
now no one talks to me.
if i should be happy, why don’t i feel anything? why won’t words come out? why am i not happy? i shouldn’t want to not wake up.
“while you wish you died, someone else just asks for another day of life”
i try to tell them, they say i’m exaggerating.
they ask me why i never talk to them or tell them when i need help.
i think maybe i should try again.
but they won’t talk to me.
so i won’t talk to them.
i tried to write what’s on my brain right now, and i’m not sure if it makes sense; i don’t really care either. i’m tired, and i wish i could sleep forever.
2 comments
I understand. Don’t listen to those who try to make you feel bad. How you feel is how you feel. What you do is what you can do at the moment. I find it a coincidence that so many of us feel this way. I wonder if it’s media usage or something chemical in the environment that’s causing it.
First of all, I’m an idiot and and I know nothing. With that said, You either don’t have any real friends, or You are opening up to the wrong people. The one’s who would understand you would say something/ask about how you feel before your reaching out to others.
It’s no biggie though. People always get these things backwards. They talk about emotional things when you have chemical imbalances. And when you just need someone to be there for you, they get all practical about psychological distress…
I wish I was your friend. I would just listen and stay silent as much as possible.