words won’t come out.
talking and expressing anything seems like too much work, or like something too complicated that i can’t figure out.
and when i do try to reach out and open up to others, it always goes wrong. i try telling someone about the panic attack i had, and they assume i’m lying and then proceed to tell me i’m not trying hard enough, and that only makes everything harder for everyone. they tell me to try harder.
i thought i was trying my best. and i was. but it seems like, once again, my best wasn’t enough.
i tried to open up, and talk about how all i want to do these days is jump off a roof, and they just assume i’m joking, telling me all i have to do is get a job, and that others have it worse. that i have so many opportunities, and all i have to do is go out.
they don’t know i can barely get out of bed. i’m exhausted, i can’t sleep.
i tell them i’m not sleeping, falling asleep at 4 am and waking up constantly until i give up at 8 am. they say i should just try harder and not go to bed so late and i’ll feel better.
i try to tell them i don’t want to wake up again, and they say that’s my own fault for going to bed so late every day. they don’t get what i mean.
they say i should be happy, because others have it worse.
now no one talks to me.
if i should be happy, why don’t i feel anything? why won’t words come out? why am i not happy? i shouldn’t want to not wake up.
“while you wish you died, someone else just asks for another day of life”
i try to tell them, they say i’m exaggerating.
they ask me why i never talk to them or tell them when i need help.
i think maybe i should try again.
but they won’t talk to me.
so i won’t talk to them.
i tried to write what’s on my brain right now, and i’m not sure if it makes sense; i don’t really care either. i’m tired, and i wish i could sleep forever.