Rainwatch

I really think whatsapp has to take the the large part of the responsibility here. Theres something about whatsapp that causes a certain rearrrangement and reshuffling of the brain when it comes to txt messages from a potential romantic interest.

Everything was fine up until last week, txting back and forth, a certain simpatico had been established, She was doing most of the txting and it was pretty cool and then last Saturday I txted and straightaway I felt this vibe, somethings wrong here, shes not txting back. If this had been on another messaging format I doubt I would of cared but theres something about […]

I was fishing yesterday,many things on my mind, suicide at the forefront as per usual, my fishing companion was making conversation which did not interest me, thats no reflection on him if anything its a reflection of my mental state, the conversation was drifting in one ear and out the other and then he mentioned his brother in law was in the fire brigade and had been called to a park earlier in the week to retrieve a body, a suicide.

Now Im all ears and want to know more. One has to thread very carefully when discussing suicide with a ” normie”  so its a […]

No matter how many times I replay the situation over in my head I come to the same conclusion, I fucked up, I should of completed suicide not attempted suicide, its just not worth it. All I had to do was put the pillow or a bag over my head whilst intoxicated, instead my conscience got the better of me not fear and I alerted my family. I would of avoided years of hell, Suicide has been called the ultimate act of avoidance and this is very true. I can say with hand on heart it would of been better for everyone if I had […]

Imagine walking into a Doctors surgery on a Saturday afternoon a week before Christmas during a pandemic, drug seeking being the reason, this is bad, your first visit to this surgery and your gonna mention drugs, this is real bad, the worst thing you can say to a Doctor is anything concerning sleeping pills, maybe opioids but i dont really know anything about painkillers.

This was the reality of the situation I found myself in and there was no way out, this was gonna be awkward. I gave myself a 30 percent chance of this working out, i walked into the surgery 5 mins before my […]

The weed had been ” vacuum packed”. I took an instant dislike to the term. I said to the supplier what the hell was his supplier thinking vacuum packing the weed. The supplier said he had rebuked his supplier for vacuum packing the weed and had now put the fact that the weed had been vacuum packed behind him and suggested I should too. Being extremely fussy about weed I speculated aloud that the high from the weed might have been impinged upon because it had been vacuum packed, he said no, the weed was just compressed but the high would be fine. I wasnt […]

I find it absolutely amazing how a simple plant can banish all suicidal thoughts for me. It’s a Saturday, the clock is about to strike 1pm, I’ve been up since 9, every errand I had to do today has been completed and now it’s time for me to roll a joint. Suicide is in my mind but as soon as the THC hits me suicidal thoughts will be kept at arms length, my problems will remain but the pleasure of the high will wipe suicide from my mind. Unfortunately due to various responsibilities/obligations I can’t smoke during the other days of the week but I’ll […]

But is usually the tragic result of untreated psychiatric disorders” so says an independent government report by top experts. I couldn’t agree more, I’ve always had a nervous sensation in my gut telling me my suicide was not in my control, that I would do it someday. The only part of the statement I take exception to is the ” untreated” part concerning psychiatric disorders. These disorders are NOT treatable. Antidepressants, antipsychotic etc turn you into a vegetable, therapy doesn’t work, so suicide is inevitable.

That line was in a movie concerning how a man behaves when a woman hands herself to him on a plate, you don’t want to belong to a club that would have someone like you as a member. I first heard that line in my teens and found it a bit far fetched, surely I wouldn’t be a guy who behaves like that but no, I have a 9 chasing me, texting round the clock, comparing me favourably to the pieces of shit available for women online,,asking me out when she previously said women don’t ask men out and I’m no happier, every guy thinks […]

When it comes to suicide you have to really want it in order to succeed. I look back on my own biography and the suicide attempts I undertook and I have to ask myself the question “did I really want it? Was my heart really in it? Any man who chooses sleeping pills has really answered NO to those two questions. How mentally ill was I to choose sleeping pills? I’ve paid dearly for that choice and will continue to. I could of avoided ten years of hell but no I had to be stupid enough to go with pills, the least effective method known […]

I didn’t ask for life, just like everybody else it was imposed upon me. I can’t get suicide out of my head, it’s omnipresent within my train of thought, that’s the way a guy like me thinks, that’s my mentality, I tried everything to no avail, at the end of the day you cannot escape from yourself. I always knew deep down there was no hope but I procrastinated, the fruits of procrastination are intense punishment, life punishes procrastinators relentlessly. Why didn’t I take my life years ago? What the fuck was I thinking to continue with my life, I continued so my family wouldn’t […]

With this hideous virus gripping the world I knew getting my hands on top shelf weed was gonna be problematic. Let’s face it, everyone is now living in a police state, and this means getting weed was gonna be hard. Luckily I forged a friendship with a grower who knows other growers so I knew he’d put some aside for me, the problem was gonna be getting there and back. Essential journeys we keep hearing are the only tolerated reason to be driving and this is now being enforced by a visible police presence world wide. I understand the need for this and obey social […]

I took like a duck to water to the work of the film Director Ingmar Bergman some years ago. Everything I ever felt about life, particularly the way I see things was there in his movies. Suicide was mentioned, in both his work and life, this drew me closer. He recounted a terrible tale in his autobiography which I think is very applicable to anyone on this site who might be holding hope in psychiatric help, it certainly would of helped me. In 1976 the Swedish authorities arrested Bergman on suspicion of tax evasion, Bergman had a breakdown as a result and was admitted to […]

I find it mystifying how   ” normies” (a phrase I discovered on this site referring to the non suicidal) actually believe suicide is a choice. You’ll often hear remarks such as  ” he chose to end his life”,  ” he made the decision to end his life”. Incorrect, dreadfully incorrect. Suicide is never chosen it is imposed upon you. It’s like the old excuse of the alcoholic  ” I didn’t choose the drink, the drink chose me”. Suicide chooses you, it’s not the other way round. Nobody in human history ever chose suicide it was employed because there was no other way, no other option, […]

If you make it look look like an accident is it easier for your family? Any death is tragic but suicide takes first prize, so it stands to reason a car accident would be easier to accept, family don’t have to face a reflection such as  ” he was in that much pain, he went against the natural law of life and killed himself”. These single vehicle accidents late at night you hear about are mostly suicides, carefully orchestrated to look like accidents to prevent the family left behind unbearable reflections.  All I would have to do is leave the road at a respectable velocity […]

The nitty gritty of therapy declares you get your head taken off enough as a kid then you start taking off your own head ad infinitum. Other to self (an external force denigrates you repeatedly) self to self ( you start denigrating yourself). My mother took my head off constantly as a kid, a difficult woman, one of the most difficult women on the planet, subject to mood swings, hostile, spiteful, a nurturer of everybody else’s kids except her own. I remember once when I was 9, my brother 7, she was in the kitchen like a demon, clattering plates together, a friend of hers […]

Hope is more or less lethal for the suicidal. You wake up one morning and realize that the joke was on you all along, there was never any hope, you were at the mercy of delusion, the delusion we call hope. The only time I can breathe is when I hear about a suicide. For a few fleeting moments my pain decreases just knowing that somebody else felt the same and just had to go. I would of liked to have known them, known their story, and checked out with them.

I watched a video on YouTube last night featuring a mother, a very brave lady […]

It’s the season not to be without marijuana if that be your thing. Christmas brings despair down hard on the suicidal and with the long dark days of the holidays ahead marijuana is of paramount importance to me. This time last year I found myself without and it was hell. I had recourse to alcohol and that only exacerbated the unhappiness. I don’t get how anyone can equate alcohol with pleasure. For me the sensation of drunkenness is quite dreary and depressing. Then there’s the labour required to get drunk, ingesting all that liquid, passing water like a racehorse, and a hangover the next day. […]

There’s a suicide in the movie “An officer and a Gentleman”. It’s been a while since I’ve seen that movie but the scene in question I can recall vividly. The Richard Gere character cradles the lifeless body of his friend who moments earlier took his life and rebukes the dead friend with these questions  ” why didn’t you come to me?”  ” Why didn’t you talk about it?”. Both those questions strike a chord with me because I HAVE CAME TO MY LOVED ONES and I HAVE TALKED ABOUT IT. There’s is nothing more I can do. I exhibit every sign of a guy who […]

Did you ever notice how there is never a right time to take your life? There’s always a family occasion, celebration or anniversary, and now with Christmas just around the corner the timing for my suicide couldn’t be worse. I don’t think I can hang on until January. Christmas brings out the worst in suicidal people, it highlights the abnormality of your life compared to the normality of everybody else. One thing I refuse to be is the guy who took his life without giving his family adequate warning. I’ve actually asked for my family’s permission to end my life so there will be no […]

Just procured some Trainwreck strain of marijuana. 100 euros worth to be precise. Things are bad, real bad, this will help if only for a few hours. It’s ironic the strain is named Trainwreck considering I think more and more of suicide by train with each passing day. Anyway gonna spark up a joint and escape from the unbearable reality of my life for the evening.