With this hideous virus gripping the world I knew getting my hands on top shelf weed was gonna be problematic. Let’s face it, everyone is now living in a police state, and this means getting weed was gonna be hard. Luckily I forged a friendship with a grower who knows other growers so I knew he’d put some aside for me, the problem was gonna be getting there and back. Essential journeys we keep hearing are the only tolerated reason to be driving and this is now being enforced by a visible police presence world wide. I understand the need for this and obey social […]
I took like a duck to water to the work of the film Director Ingmar Bergman some years ago. Everything I ever felt about life, particularly the way I see things was there in his movies. Suicide was mentioned, in both his work and life, this drew me closer. He recounted a terrible tale in his autobiography which I think is very applicable to anyone on this site who might be holding hope in psychiatric help, it certainly would of helped me. In 1976 the Swedish authorities arrested Bergman on suspicion of tax evasion, Bergman had a breakdown as a result and was admitted to […]
I find it mystifying how ” normies” (a phrase I discovered on this site referring to the non suicidal) actually believe suicide is a choice. You’ll often hear remarks such as ” he chose to end his life”, ” he made the decision to end his life”. Incorrect, dreadfully incorrect. Suicide is never chosen it is imposed upon you. It’s like the old excuse of the alcoholic ” I didn’t choose the drink, the drink chose me”. Suicide chooses you, it’s not the other way round. Nobody in human history ever chose suicide it was employed because there was no other way, no other option, […]
If you make it look look like an accident is it easier for your family? Any death is tragic but suicide takes first prize, so it stands to reason a car accident would be easier to accept, family don’t have to face a reflection such as ” he was in that much pain, he went against the natural law of life and killed himself”. These single vehicle accidents late at night you hear about are mostly suicides, carefully orchestrated to look like accidents to prevent the family left behind unbearable reflections. All I would have to do is leave the road at a respectable velocity […]
The nitty gritty of therapy declares you get your head taken off enough as a kid then you start taking off your own head ad infinitum. Other to self (an external force denigrates you repeatedly) self to self ( you start denigrating yourself). My mother took my head off constantly as a kid, a difficult woman, one of the most difficult women on the planet, subject to mood swings, hostile, spiteful, a nurturer of everybody else’s kids except her own. I remember once when I was 9, my brother 7, she was in the kitchen like a demon, clattering plates together, a friend of hers […]
Hope is more or less lethal for the suicidal. You wake up one morning and realize that the joke was on you all along, there was never any hope, you were at the mercy of delusion, the delusion we call hope. The only time I can breathe is when I hear about a suicide. For a few fleeting moments my pain decreases just knowing that somebody else felt the same and just had to go. I would of liked to have known them, known their story, and checked out with them.
I watched a video on YouTube last night featuring a mother, a very brave lady […]
It’s the season not to be without marijuana if that be your thing. Christmas brings despair down hard on the suicidal and with the long dark days of the holidays ahead marijuana is of paramount importance to me. This time last year I found myself without and it was hell. I had recourse to alcohol and that only exacerbated the unhappiness. I don’t get how anyone can equate alcohol with pleasure. For me the sensation of drunkenness is quite dreary and depressing. Then there’s the labour required to get drunk, ingesting all that liquid, passing water like a racehorse, and a hangover the next day. […]
There’s a suicide in the movie “An officer and a Gentleman”. It’s been a while since I’ve seen that movie but the scene in question I can recall vividly. The Richard Gere character cradles the lifeless body of his friend who moments earlier took his life and rebukes the dead friend with these questions ” why didn’t you come to me?” ” Why didn’t you talk about it?”. Both those questions strike a chord with me because I HAVE CAME TO MY LOVED ONES and I HAVE TALKED ABOUT IT. There’s is nothing more I can do. I exhibit every sign of a guy who […]
Did you ever notice how there is never a right time to take your life? There’s always a family occasion, celebration or anniversary, and now with Christmas just around the corner the timing for my suicide couldn’t be worse. I don’t think I can hang on until January. Christmas brings out the worst in suicidal people, it highlights the abnormality of your life compared to the normality of everybody else. One thing I refuse to be is the guy who took his life without giving his family adequate warning. I’ve actually asked for my family’s permission to end my life so there will be no […]
Just procured some Trainwreck strain of marijuana. 100 euros worth to be precise. Things are bad, real bad, this will help if only for a few hours. It’s ironic the strain is named Trainwreck considering I think more and more of suicide by train with each passing day. Anyway gonna spark up a joint and escape from the unbearable reality of my life for the evening.
It had to happen and happen it did, it happened in stern reality. The law of averages, the law of probability pointed towards it happening, it was bound to happen, only a matter of time before it happened. Any man deceiving multiple doctors, pharmacists etc in pursuit of Ambien will be caught eventually, irrespective of how careful you are. I got away with it for a good ten years, then last month whilst getting Ambien as per usual in a pharmacy, the pharmacist gave me a strange look and said ” according to my records you’re registered with another doctor”. I kept a cool head, […]
By chance I stumbled across this channel on YouTube called Mr.Caring guy. It’s this guy that documents people who lost their lives to suicide. This is right up my alley. Every report of a suicide on the news or in the paper I can relate to. Just knowing that one human being on the planet felt the same as me and ended their life makes me feel less alone. The biographies of the people on this YouTube channel I mentioned earlier are very relatable. YouTube are somewhat PC so they might take this channel down at anytime. That would be doing a disservice to suicidal […]
Whilst driving to collect weed this morning my phone bleeped a text message alert. ” Here we go” I thought, there’s a problem. I clicked on the text with trepidation, it read ” man, I forgot that”, I couldn’t fucking believe it, I was halfway out to meet my connection and at the eleventh hour he texts an excuse of forgetfulness. No apology , just a declaration the weed had been forgotten. I read the text again, perhaps I had misinterpreted it. Perhaps this guy has been reading James Joyce, particularly ” Finnegan’s Wake” where English is written as a composite language. Perhaps “man, I […]
When I was getting into the car this morning the exhaust pipe caught my eye. The image of a hose leading from the exhaust pipe into the passenger window took up residence in my imagination. A painless, effective way to check out. Unless a passerby stumbles across the scene and alerts authorities it has to prove fatal. It takes about 10 minutes reputedly. I would drive to a secluded, mountainous region nearby, follow out the procedure in question and that’s it. No more agony, internal terror, regret, humiliation, it’s all over. The door of every facet of life is closed to me so I have […]
I’ve had enough of Doctor shopping. You go to a Doctor for a prescription for Ambien, a two week supply, you go through said supply in one week and it’s back to square one, another Doctor for another prescription. Plus there’s an element of acting involved, you need to be pushy but not too pushy. The cat is already out of the bag the minute you walk in to the surgery “This guy’s after more Ambien” the Doctors thinking and rightly so. Another horror involved is creating aliases, phony addresses, false date of births and then trying to remember which one corresponds to the Doctor […]
Any port in a storm they say. A safe port, a safe haven for me is pot. The chances of me taking my life when I have access to pot is minimal, not impossible but minimal. My experience has been marijuana placates the suicidal mind, it acts as a balm, the sheer pleasure of the sensation produced keeps suicidal thoughts at bay. I haven’t smoked in a month so my tolerance is at zero. Pot, like any substance may be a fools paradise in the long run but if you’re seriously suicidal you might find some relief.
I remember a line in an old movie concerning the mentality behind suicide “one day a guy gets wise to himself, goes up to the top of the empire state building and jumps off”, the part ” gets wise to himself” has been in my thoughts lately. I’m starting to get wise to the reality of my situation and there is no other choice for me but suicide. It’s been happening in installments, there has been no sudden realisation, just a creeping sense of losing hope. I heard about the suicide of a young woman in New York, her suicide note hit the nail on […]
Just heard about the suicide of Keith Flint. He was the lead singer of The Prodigy. People reading this in England and Ireland will know that group well, not sure how well known The Prodigy are in America/Canada. This suicide is fucking inexplicable, he seemed like the last guy you would expect to check out by suicide. I always imagine it’s the quiet, deep guy who takes his life but you never really know. R.I.P Keith and thanks for the music.
Suicidal thoughts have turned me into the most selfish guy on the planet. My brother’s wife just had a baby and I keep broaching the topic of suicide. I’m going round to see him tonight with the express intention of asking for permission to end my life. That’s how deranged I’ve become. I don’t want my suicide to come as a bolt out of the blue so I want to prepare my family for it. How fucking low is that. Myself and rational thought have become strangers. I just can’t control suicidal ideation. It’s too strong.
The name of the game concerning suicide is Lethality. When one can’t take one more second of their life the logical thing to do is employ a suicide method of the highest lethality. For my worn out, panic stricken brain suicide by train is less scary then continue to live with a mind full of scorpions, my mind goes in 10 diff directions at once all day every day this is totally unacceptable for a man to call this his life. I’m starting to feel calm now because I’m gravitateying towards jumping under a train. I’m