Down. I’m down. I’m overwhelmed and ready to go. I may not be able to go through with it. But I want to say goodbye.
I was frustrated. Swallowed a few extras. Maybe more. Just want to sleep for a few days.
I think I’m developing dermatillomania. I’m going to speak to my therapist today. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to stop?
I always imagined my suicide to be impulsive. Now that I’ve been thinking about it for over half of my life I find myself asking, what should I wear to die? Should I go the way I came? With my skin and scars visible to the world? A suit? Dressed for a party? Perhaps a favorite activity? Swimsuit and snorkel? Pajamas? Oh my. I should get back on my ADD meds so I can make up my mind. Maybe in my undies with two different shoes…
I need to find a way to make them stop. They talk constantly. They have music blaring too. They’re out front. And next door. Inconsiderate fuckers.
Today I was on the side of a highway helping my ride add coolant to the radiator of his truck.
All I did was hold the hood open, but while doing it I was looking at the oncoming traffic. Trucks. And I just wanted to bolt right in front of one. I was thinking about the incredible pain. Intense but (hopefully) brief. It’s not pain that I fear. I’m no stranger to pain. It’s staying alive.
I don’t want to mind fuck a trucker. I am not selfish. I just see opportunities to die everywhere I go.
Stood up there on the platform. It was windy. Cold. Dreary. But then every day in my city is dreary. It’s a forgotten place. I knew when my train would be coming. It never stops here. It passes through at about 120 miles per hour. I stood on the edge. The sound comes suddenly. And whoosh. It was gone. I was not. One step closer.
I have to put on a suit and act like I’m well this Friday night. Even the thought of hemming my pants is stressful. Should I get a real haircut? I have a wild head of hair and cut it myself. I used to be part of something. Now I feel like everyone can see how I’ve come apart. I hope after a couple beers I can calm down and interact with my former colleagues. Maybe even eat. I used to look forward to this benefit. Now I just want to put on my suit and drive over a cliff.
I always seem to think of all the things I haven’t done. Maybe today I will remember what I HAVE done. I’ve done a lot of good things. I’m a good person.
I thought today would be the Day. My pain would end. No more ugly face to face every day. No more me. Once again I could not make it happen. Hopefully tomorrow will bring a day that doesn’t scream to be the Day. Maybe tomorrow will be a day when I am able to get up and out and do the things that well people do. And maybe I can have a day that I don’t hate myself.
I see no reason to continue living. I’m sick and depressed and I’ve been living like this forever. There are a few who care about me but I just want to die. No one really cares about my reasons. My gun is loaded. I will shower and put on something nice. I hope I can do it this time.
Has anyone ever tried electroconculsive therapy for depression? I have been on at least 12 medications and nothing works long term. I am now suicidal again and willing to try it.
Please, serious replies only. This could be life or death for me.
I spent today crying, yelling and banging my head on the floor. I want to die so bad. I hope this is my only post. I am bleeding.