I’ve found self-confidence through the military, but the depression is getting to me. I need to get out of the army, last 3 more weeks, but I keep making mistakes. I keep falling down. I need to go home, the sergeant hates me now. He thinks I’m an idiot and I’m messing up because I can’t handle the stress. I don’t want to tell him because I’ll be stuck here longer. I just need to wait it out and get home safely.
You’d suspect temptation to be caused by lust or just plain carnal instincts. In my case my cousin was the lustful desires I had. Yet the true temptation at the moment pegs from Nycolle the first girl I fell for. (Read my earliest posts for my deranged and mentally inadequate child in me) Â Onto the point at hand, I recently created a new facebook, found her on it after finding she blocked me. I found her on snapchat as well and here is where I consider things. Should I really risk messaging her again. It’s been over 5 years, why bother my childhood love? […]
I’m sorry about all the things I did in my “youth”. I made the stupid decision to push you away back when SP chat was so popular. I made a stupid comment saying I committed a grotesque thing that meant I would get banned from that community and sort of shunned. It was for the better, although only because I was on the chat for far too long. I bet it’s either dead now or only 2 or three people left on there.
I can’t think of all the names of my old friends of whom I miss dearly, but yet somewhere in my mind your […]
I love you all. Been on here since i was 15. And on that fateful day I chose to look up suicide methods. I ignored the website that talked about help and such and came here. I found people who were interesting and like me. Although my problems were faint in comparison, it still meant people who were relating and also helpful in my time of need.
I thank you all for your support and to the admins even when i was a shitbag troll. I’m sorry for that. I love you all, as my great friends in a suicidal community. Talk to me on kik […]
bullies in the army. Some shitbags making fun of Abagis for being gay, he was accepted by us back at basic training. For him to slit his wrists and be chaptered out for his suicide attempts. I want to hurt those bastards for that yet i take no action against my bullies on the homefront in the army. I should just fight back full fledged (starts out with shit talking then gets physical and i punch back and they kick harder and suddenly theyre beating on me in formations. I guess i should be the one beating on them. The. It’ll be fights behind closed […]
Not nightmare last night. Tonight may be different. I’m expecting the voice nightmare to come and me wake up crying. An anxiety attack in my sleep I suppose. I’m not sure why it happens but it happens. Maybe some childhood event I’m traumatized by. I sometimes see a street, with a guy ona hydraulic lift. Hes scaling a tree, theres a chinese food store down the street. Then it suddenly turns into a new setting a brick wall. Brownish red with holes in it that arent reslly there. The holes look like passages like looking at an ant farm. I see weird shapes, sights forgotten […]
Relapse…I posted the other day that I’m finally in the clear of my depression. What a relief right? Turns out that little echo thing that I felt which reminded me of my nightmares is a bit like a premonition or even an alarm. I felt different going to chow. I got my food and started eating. A minute or two in. I get tunnel vision and a massive amount of anxiety. What’s happening? Turns out I had a panic attack, almost started hyperventilating. I was frozen, staring at the coffee mug filled with homemade gatorade as I mentally freaked out. Now as it […]
It must not be a good thing necessarily that I’m cured and yet I’m wanting the thoughts. The dark ones back. I love talking about depression and suicide it was my life only months ago. Somehow I was cured. A sense of pride in myself alien to me fills me with self-confidence. Where the confidence came from would be completing basic training for the military.
I came in hoping that during the shooting range i could pull the trigger on myself and if not then then j would be able to shoot myself during my military career. The thought of having a rifle by my side […]
I wish I could get high, find some sort of pleasure besides cigarrettes and masturbation
ALthough i may be in the army, my suicidal thoughts remain somewhere in my head, they resurface occassionally.
School is great, we’re getting copious amounts of notes and are practically halfway through the course and yet i feel no smarter on the aspects of mechanic work. It seems all we need to troubleshoot is a computer, tech manuals and a tool kit and suddenly we’re professional mechanics. I should have chosen a more advanced occupation., I dont even like cars enough to pay attention to the minute details of an engine. Who cares […]
Its been too long aince i last posted. Last time we talked, I whined about how I was panicking about joining the army. I’m currently inthe army and gained access to y phone.
Now then, I finished basic training, got to shoot an M-16, and rarely thought about shooting myself in the face. Anywho, I am hiding the fact that I am prone to emotional disorders as I suspect the depression to come back to me A.S.A.P. I have come to realize that joinin the army has given me a snese of accomplishment as I have graduated basic training
As a soldier, the army has made me […]
Hi, some of you may remember me, some may not, I am Rogue, the one who wanted so badly to join the army. well I had gone through the Military Entrance Processing Station. I did my oath and signed a bunch of papers pledging my loyalty. Little did I know that, until this night at around 9 pm, my mom informed me that there is little to no chance of quitting the army. After a quick 10 seconds of tears as I am having trouble letting them flow, and a few breaths of hyper-ventillation, I realize how fucked I really am. Now there are quite […]
I’m feeling angryt as a fucking stampede whether that makes sense or not. I’m feeling “bipolar as fuck”, thats my self evaluation. I drank a Monster Energy “Supplement” and it has me hyperactive, and feeling extra shitty. I want to blow off steam. I tried talking to the SP chat, but they are on their own tangent and tending to their wounded and my mind was too fastpaced to even comprehend their acknowledgement of my current condition.
Dont tell them I’m complaining about them,, I really am not, I’m complaining about myself and shit thats going on in my head. I need some sort of release […]
If everytime I message her, I feel high, then what does it mean? What if it brings me out of numbness. What if after our talks, I end up feeling like shit. We come back to my old rants about love. I thought Nycolle was my drug, yet I just felt worse and worse the whole time.
Lucky for me there are people here who most highly likely feel the same about this kind of situation. But, the problem is my lack of long term solutions for this problem. What can I do? After breaking off what little we had? People from here tell me not […]
I’m back in school since the winter break. I have a few things on my mind, including the finals in 2 weeks.
My to-do list includes:
Apply for jobs (already applied at McDonald’s and the Habit, also need an auto shop for an internship for my auto class)
I need to find a recruiter for the military
Start a workout regimen that doesn’t mess up a schhedule i guess i have to compile since i will have to balance 8 hours of an internship and a normal part time job.
need to either find weed or get the psychologist to analyze me for my possible moderate depression and most likely […]
Late at night, at around 12 A.M. he heard light pitter patter along the halls of the SP House. Nate heard a crash around his door then a paper slipped into his room and then the pitter patter disappeared into the distance. Getting off his bed, he got the note and put it into his pocket. Knowing who it was from, he moved to the lounge.
Hooded figures entered the room, mysteriously late at night. Looking into the room, he saw puppet, as he called himself, leave the room with a hint of sadness. Sitting down at the table, she looked at him and mouthed “please […]
The SP House
Chapter 1: Paradise Lost
Looking out into the horizon, the sun slowly disappeared, it’s warm embrace being replaced by the cool, quiet moon. The sky, once blue and vast, changed to orange, red and purple and then to black, then allowing the stars to shine through. Looking down, she saw the foggy depths of the abyss, but the familiar sound of waves crashing could be heard. Down there, one could fall and die after splattering among jagged rocks, or even survive and end up in the water, just to wash up on shore and try to get back home tired and groggy. And disappointed…
Those […]
I have felt little to no emotion as of late. I am confused. Possibly insane. Nothing in this world, nothing, I cannot understand. Try as I might, I cannot figure out my way out of my corner. The maze in my head. This is my DARK ABYSS. I guess. Shannon being dead couldn’t be registered emotionally, I could feel no emotions. If this is numbness, then holy shit thats awesome since I feel absolutely nothing anymore. It makes me so confused though.
Where the hell am I. My flashlight left me. Flashlight where’d you go. It’s dark and lonely. (Just a random thought in my head.)
Well, […]
If you want my past look at previous posts.
I choked a lot and now its really making me forget, I’m gonna try to not do it anymore though. If I can since I don’t want to end up brain dead yet. Or forget any more of my memories, its hard enough trying to remember shit. I noticed that Stacey girls post and thought “the desperate teens are here” and its crazy how media fucks us up. I am fascinated with guns and really wanna join the army. There are girls blackmailing their boyfriends cuz they are leaving and getting themselves pregnant to stay together forever. […]
If I were to get diagnosed with all the things wrong with me at a psychologist person. Would I still qualify for the army?
I want to die, it seems like a viable option. You can tell me everything will get better but since i was 12 or so things did not get better. I am now 17 trying to hold out, but it gets harder and harder every day. You can tell me something witty now that will stick in my head for the night, but tomorrow I will go through the same phase, thats what life has gotten to. Try as I might, this […]
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