Sammi6xoxo

1. It is not your place to tell someone what their reality consists of. If someone believes they are healthy, who are you to tell them otherwise?

When dealing with the late stages of Alzheimers/dementia, you don’t live in your own reality. You live in the reality that the patient presents. Reorientation will only serve to upset and confuse them. If they are happy, let them be happy. If they are not, don’t correct them. Simply comfort them.

2. When a 90 year old man is masturbating, quietly close the door and walk away.

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This just in:

Debt fucking sucks.
Student loans. Credit card debt. Car payments. Its all terrible and pointless. They know they aren’t getting paid unless im getting paid enough for them to get paid and i currently am not getting paid at all. So.. Sorry KMF, Amazon, and Sallie Mae. You are every bit as screwed as i am.

On another note, i am so thankful for all of you and sincerely wish i knew what to say to make this shitstorm less terrible. In the mean time, heres a question. What’s your favorite coping mechanism?

Is it progression if a cannibal uses a fork?
-Chiodos

I always thought this title was just some abstract bull shit. It never clicked. I get it now..
And heres what it inspired.

I pulled a gun today
Put a bullet in the chamber
The trigger felt okay
But fought against my finger
My hands began to shake
As i thought about the pain
Maybe this is not the way
put the gun down again

I pulled a knife today
Sounds like progress to me
Perhaps it wouldnt kill me
At least not as badly
I put it to my throat
And in red ink i wrote
A […]

Feels like im missing something.. Im ready. Beyond ready. But i need to find it. The thing that’s missing. Stop this little itch in the back of my mind and the deoths of my heart. Burning in the pit of my stomach. Is it a what? A who? A wear? What the fuck is happening? I dont know where it came from. Jesus fucking christ this is strange.. Im so attached to something that i cant identify. Like leaving without seeing/finding/feeling this person/place/thing would be a crime punishable by.. Well.. Life. Ya know? I dunno. This is getting old already. Its always something..

Im home. Not in a house. Not in any location. But in my mind. I’ve come to terms with all of this and i no longer fear the other side. Many of you helped me tremendously and for that i thank you. My only regret is that i couldn’t return the favor. Ive said my goodbyes on here before, but this is different. It isn’t fueled by sadness, misery, or hate. This is pure acceptance and surrender. I don’t hurt like i did. I’m just done. With all of this. I wasn’t built for this. I don’t know exactly when I’ll be gone. I […]

Let me start by saying this. I’m sorry for not responding to comments on my own posts or commenting on anyone else’s. I really do appreciate the tremendous amount of support from you guys and I desperately want to give you the same. I just haven’t had the energy in so long. That being said, I’m utterly exhausted and at the end of my rope.
All of the shit went away while I was on the road today, but you can only drive so far before your falling asleep, out of gas, and hoping no one robs you while you’re asleep in your car. A […]

Can’t go home. Can’t go to him either. He says I’m needy and that I shouldn’t need him as often as I do. He says I’m annoying. He says a lot of things that I never would have put up with in the past.. I deserve better, right? But sleeping alone is the most difficult thing in the world. Being alone in a house with only your thoughts can be dangerous. It is dangerous. So I left. But I have no way to contact anyone else. I’m sitting outside of a fucking Walmart using the wifi. It isn’t safe for me to be alone tonight, […]

Master
I called your name an you didn’t answer
Master
I held your hand and only fell faster
Master
I cried alone as love lost its luster
Master
Is what I called a soldier of disaster

Blaspheme
His name I wouldn’t care to whisper
Blaspheme
Like a snake his shadow slithers
Blaspheme
Well within my heart and mind
Blaspheme
Reconciliation I’ve yet to find

Crashing
Tires screaching and vehicles haulting
Scratching
On the glass and never escaping
Latching
Onto a reality that is only fleeting
Crashing
Back to earth and never concealing
The scars
The scars
The scars aren’t healing
I don’t know what it is […]

Reality is setting in tonight. I’ve exhausted all of my options and pushed everyone away. My phone is shut off and outside of work, I have no means of contacting anyone. I’m falling apart and it’s dangerous for me to be alone. But I want to be alone. I don’t think I want to get better anymore. I just want to fall apart without anyone judging me or scolding me for not being strong enough. Someone to love me unconditionally. Someone who doesn’t belittle my problems and make me feel like less of a person for Feeling the way I do. I don’t know how […]

I’m working tonight. On a 15 minute break right now. I’ve noticed something odd and wonderful my job gives me a massive sense of purpose when I’m here. I’m just a CNA. I know that isn’t much. It isn’t anything major. But I work in the long term care industry. I take care of people who ant take care of themselves. I don’t know how I wound up here, but I’m so glad I did. Sometimes it allows me to forget the bad things. I’ve really taken that for granted. I still don’t want to be here. Still want to disappear. At least if […]

What was it? What was the comforting thing that came to mind?

Love?
Love can save a damned soul, but it can’t touch a damaged mind.

Hope?
Hope can soothe an anxious mind, but can’t mend a broken heart.

Faith?
Faith can rescue a lost soul, but could never touch a realist.

Where am I going with this? I’m gonna be real honest here. I don’t know.
Anything.
I don’t. Fucking. Know. Don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow let alone in a few years. Don’t know how I’m going to make it that far. […]

I dunno why I’m back on here. Just kind of feels like my only safe place today. Any of the familiars still around? Walrus? Ceph?

Anyways. Thought things would work themselves out and to some extent they have. I should be happy right? Nah. I’m just sick of it. I want to get up and leave. Just drive. But that takes money and I have bills to pay. I guess I don’t have anything specific to complain about at the moment, but I still wake up every day with the same burning in the pit of my stomach and the same unexplainable sense of heartbreak. […]