soapandwasser

For you that had hold on to me for so long. That had promised me so many nice things. I’m sorry and I apologise for this abrupt ending but I’m done with life. It had been a good run. A decent run even, maybe. I lived long enough.

I may had things I haven’t achieved but that’s okay. I’ve settled for this current existence to end on this note. I have so many love for you but that couldn’t save me from my predicament. I could feel myself deteriorating even now so before I do, I love you. I love you so much.

I’m sorry you […]

Tonight is so bad. The presence of the two worst people I know made me feel a bit ill. I am sick of feeling this discomfort in my chest from my ill feelings knowing that there’s nothing wrong with me.

Life has so many things to look forward to, yes.

But people fail to acknowledge that some problems are not temporary. Some things inescapable. I sometimes don’t care that I’ll never be happy again if I die, at least I won’t feel pain at all anymore. It hurts too much that it’s not worth it.

There’s so many things to look forward to but I […]

Living is always ‘the only right thing to do’ as if death is not a valid ending too. Moat people don’t even know their time has come until it did then what’s the big problem about taking my life? It’s not like by being alive I’m doing anything worthwhile or changing anything. The bad people still wins, the good people still gets themselves compromised. It’s almost like there’s no point to living.

Sure it will cut off every chance to other form of happiness as well but eventually the nothingness would be preferable than experiencing and seeing pain knowing there’s nothing you could do about […]

All these time I thought it was my heart being cruel to me when in actuality it had all been my head. My heart wanted nothing but the best for me it was quite bizarre to be listening to it telling me everything I already know but don’t want myself to acknowledge.

That I want to be alive. I just don’t want to put in the efforts or care. I feel guilty right now for forgetting that other people are also in hell but yeah. How would I know? I’m selfish and did not want to be better.

I’m the monster I hate. I’m the […]

I couldn’t wait until death could just meet me. Hopefully it would be a swift occasion. It’s wild how some people’s purpose in your life was to just make you suffer and then leave.

I don’t want to remember those things I lived through. I shouldn’t have been made to live through them in the first place.

Suicide may take people’s attention but for how long? The world would move on. People move on. I just want to be validated for what I do and I’m not getting them just like a billion others. I’m not special.

It’s okay. The less special I am the easier […]

Lately I keep remembering this sentence a classmate once said, an answer for a question: “would you take the easy or hard way to success?” And I answered easy and he said, “why easy? Of course the hard way is more worth it.”

Is it though? By the years I’m realising that I just want everything to be easy because my BPD makes everything hard for me. Choice fatigue, career, studying, relationships; well everything is extra hard for me. It’s honestly frustrating that people seeing me don’t understand or see that I just can’t.

This world is hard. Life as a human is hard. I […]

I’m feeling disproportionate to how I should feel but to be honest who fking cares? If I died, I’m just gonna be someone that died. I was lonely as all hell asking moots to reply with memes to draw my OCs into and all I get in return is insecurity and suicidal thoughts from being unwanted.

I was in a bad place seeking interaction and they just saw it past. Fuck everyone. If I passed last night it would be no difference. I’m already unwanted. I have nobody to call friends when I thought everyone’s my friend.
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Guess I’ll just die.

Someone close to someone I love died and I can’t help but feel jealous of them. I wish it was me. Why couldn’t it be me? I don’t understand. I don’t want to live and I want death and it seemed like everyone around me is closer to death than I’ll ever be. I know it’s a stupid feeling but whenever I remember what it takes to hold on and be alive, I honestly don’t want to go through it.

All these happiness is not worth the extreme pain I feel about merely existing. Being a human sucks and we’re only going to keep living […]

At this point it’s kind of annoying of me to come here over and over and still haven’t died. I’m tired of being an inconsiderate asshole when my suicidality comes knocking and being useless in the process too.

My partner said nobody would stand being with me and I kinda dont care. If I’m single it’d be easier for me to die. I don’t have her to think about anymore. I don’t have to care for her. I can be as selfish as I could by just killing myself and leaving the mess to somebody else to fix.

I can’t fix this relationship. I can’t […]

the cause of my current disappointment is a minor, most stupid issue. I’m not gonna mention what happened because I know people could be judgmental; even in a wordpress such as this.

Anyway, yes. Life is not worth living through. You don’t get the things you work so hard for. You don’t deserve them because you fucked up in any way you did. Everyone saying you’ll get things accordingly to your hard work are lying through their teeth. Or very much annoyingly privileged. Being in debt is your fault. Not being able to live right is your fault too and I’m so annoyed with myself […]

I remember briefly reading this one reddit post about being fated to die by suicide. Some people are meant to be doctors, some are meant to be successful and rich. Some, are just meant to suffer and die. Maybe that’s it. But because life is unfair like that, we’re all still here doing whatever we need to do.

Am I fated to die by my own hands myself? I don’t know for sure but I don’t think I could live a good fairly smooth life in this lifetime. Everything I try to do to increase my social standing I back off from it on my own. […]

I’m not ever sorry if you found me out here. If anything, it’s proof you didn’t keep to your words. You lied about finding out too then. I don’t like you checking in on me. I don’t like being confronted for my venting. And social media was very terrible for us that I would still refuse to understand why it matters to you. Being blocked is like us having broken up? Almost as if you were not searching for me the first place.

All these while did not exist I guess. I had never done anything for you. I had never compromised, I had never been […]

So I don’t know how to talk to anyone I know about how I’m feeling without feeling like I will burden them some more so here I go.

I’d been feeling suicidal as of late and my country’s reaction towards COVID-19 had not been that helpful towards my mental health. My current boyfriend just nearly had a break down following our most recent news and I am trying my best to console him while I’m not feeling it myself. So I feel like I can’t be that anxious with him or talk about the extent of my feelings and suicidality without reassuring right back that […]

So i havent been on here since forever. Anyway, greetings to all of those that are still around. I hope you find your reasons to stay.

I’m still alive. I’m not in a bad place. I’m just fine. Occasionally the thoughts came to mind but nothing I would act upon. I just want to give up hoping altogether though to be honest but it’s not that bad.

Ah. I dont know what else to say but sometimes i really do wish I havent made connections with anyone. It would be easier to just go off.

I’m gonna die. By my own hands mostly. I don’t want to be 22. He’s gone so every plans there is is out of the window. Ah. Life had been nice but I dont want to do it anymore.

I just feel crappy today. I don’t know what I should worry about. I don’t feel entirely useless, just slightly hopeless about my current situation. I’m not eligible to apply for any funds to support my studies, if I ever get accepted to the art school I want to go. And my dad told me to not be “selfish” and think about my sisters wanting to further their studies as well so urh. Yeah it’s crappy. To not seem to get the financial support needed. Well fuck it I guess.

But this week I’d been trying to be emotionally available to my friends that are […]

This is the most cliched comparison I could come up with but I have little to no motivation to live or die. I couldn’t care for myself as much as I should’ve. I couldn’t get my chores over and done with. I just lie anywhere I want to in the house and do nothing. I can’t do anything.

I’m tired. Of crying and not getting things done. And having nightmares. Really tired.

I want to die. There, I said it. Am I gonna do anything about it? Nope. I want to die. But I’m not going to attempt again so I’m back and forth with wanting to live and wanting to just give up. Not that I could care.

I’ve did some terrible things during the months that I were gone from this site, that if I think about them; I’ll start self-harming again so I’m trying not to think about any.

I’m sad. And I want to just give up being alive. Oh well.

I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. And to be honest, having […]

What a weird place to be. But I’m alive, I made it.

Cut off a bad person, passed through my worst in these two years, found real love (for now).

It’s safe to say I won’t hurt myself anymore. And I’m in good hands, I’m so glad.

But I sometimes look back at where I am now and think about the months when I used to be here. It was real. All of it valid. And what I am now is real as well. I feel like I healed.

So unreal. Everything is. Thank you for the ones who told me to stay back. I […]