long time, no see. of course probably none of you remembers me. i haven’t been here since around early june or so. ever since my first (and last) boyfriend broke up with me around that time i have been feeling steadily worse as time wears on… no, i am not some pre-teen complaining of ‘heartbreak’. i’m 19 and this was my very first relationship, long-distance and completely online. the breakup itself no longer bothers me. more like the reasons for the breakup… i’ve been dealing with a lot of shame of self. i tried my very best to be a good girlfriend, and i thought […]
bullshit.
but i will be forced to anyway, because i simply don’t have the means to end it in a way that won’t fail spectacularly.
here’s the truth; i’m ugly, and i’m going to die alone. nobody’s ever going to love me the way i need to be loved. i tried loving myself but i just couldn’t. i can’t make peace with something i hate so much.
i look in the mirror and i see a monster, not a 19-year-old girl. i’m so grotesque.
so i figure, if i’m going to die alone and unloved anyway, why not make it happen sooner rather than endure the pain […]
who else has trouble reaching out to people about their issues?
sometimes i think i’m ready to reach out and get help. then i remember all the times i tried to do so and was burned – like when my sister called my cutting ‘stupid’, when i tried to approach the subject with a school counselor and was ignored, not counting all the times i was told to just be grateful for what i have, or to ‘just get over it’. or my favorite; ‘do something about it then’.
they tell us if we’re feeling bad to talk to someone about it… what if no one wants […]
(not about/directed at anyone here) what is it with people and getting told i’m feeling sorry for myself? we’re taught that self-pity is bad, but is it really? why must i always have to ‘suck it up’? why can’t i have a moment of weakness to feel bad for myself, and then suck it up? what’s wrong with letting oneself be human? everyone has thrown a pity party for themselves some time in their lives. we all have asked ourselves “why me?” – don’t act like you haven’t. so, why is it okay for everyone else to complain, but when i do it i’m just […]
home is in his arms.
i want to go home.
i am sick of loving people i will never have. it’s making me go insane. i need somebody that i like to like me back, for once. they never like me back. it’s always been like this, as long as i can remember.
in the cheesy novels that i sometimes read (don’t judge), the troubled female protagonist gets better only after she meets a perfect boy and they fall in love and he glues together all the broken parts of her blah blah … i want to believe i can get better without a boy, because let’s face it – i am butt-ugly, so boys are not on the horizon for me. but surely this trope exists for a reason? can i really get better. . . alone? i know i will never be loved, so what does it matter if i live or die?
… to be confident? so sure of yourself, to live independent of what others think of you? i’m asking because i genuinely don’t know. i’ve never liked myself. i’ve always been bullied and disliked, because i’m ugly, fat, weird. my gender makes me naturally inferior. i’m weak and overemotional. i’ve been told i need to love myself. how do i love myself if i am everything i hate??
and i don’t even care if that sounds dumb. i can’t lie about how i feel, life was just better when i was a kid. i didn’t have the best childhood, but i wasn’t abused and at least i wasn’t depressed. i still had a capacity for fun and adventure, whereas now it takes a herculean amount of strength to face each day, and i feel ‘blah’ about everything. nothing is fun anymore. the years 2002-2007 stand out for me, i was young enough to still have a rosy view of the world. things went south after 08, 2009-10 was kind of the point of […]
i’m going to be so focking lonely on my bday, i already know it.
i don’t have any friends. i don’t have a bf. i’m not even close with a lot of my family. the family i am close with live in different states and can’t make it here. my parents will be getting drunk, like always.
it’s this saturday, two days away.
and she just opened a beer, so we’re not going shopping today, i guess.
why do ppl always flake out on me like that??
i kinda didn’t even want to celebrate, at first. i was feeling pressured to celebrate though. but now that i do want to […]
since i was here last, things have been getting steadily worse and worse in my mind. i’m lonely as ever, but can’t go outside or talk to people because of my social phobia. i still live in my little shoebox of a room, where i’m on the internet all day, every day, because if i don’t have that connection i’ll be completely alone. all i want right now is love, something i’ve never had. i want a boyfriend. but i’ll never be loved because i do not look like a model, and it sucks knowing this. it hurts to not be touched or anything, it […]
and it is depressing the hell out of me.
the last few days it has been cloudy, chilly, and raining off and on. i actually really like fall, but i’m light sensitive, and a lack of it can make me more depressed & lethargic. no, i don’t own a light box and i can’t get one unfortunately.
i really want to enjoy this fall, but so far i can’t. i’m just really down. it’s coming up on the one-year anniversary of when my family broke apart, and i’m not taking it well. though it’s better having some distance between now and when it happened, and though that […]
i don’t know if things are slowly getting better, or gearing up to get worse and this is just the calm before the storm. in any case, between my last entry nearly two months ago and today, not much has happened, except for 2 things: my dad has stopped abusing my mom while drunk (for the most part), and my suicidal thoughts have finally calmed the fuck down (at least for now). i still am living the shut-in life of an obese, unemployed 18-year-old (soon to be 19). but i’m looking to change that also, starting with a diet and exercise plan (which i am […]
i’m not in a very good place right now. today i got on facebook and discovered ‘she’ sent me a friend request – the ‘she’ who my dad cheated with all those months ago, subsequently ruining mine and my mom’s lives. i guess she honestly doesn’t believe she did anything wrong that night… i don’t know what the hell kind of drug she was on… but how dare she. i saw that today and everything came flooding right back to me, all of it. i feel like i’ve been hit in the stomach and now i can’t breathe. what’s worse, my older sister is friends […]
this place seems kinda dead, but oh well. i’ve run out of good places to share my real feelings. i wonder if anyone here remembers me at all (prolly not). things are the same as they were before, except i’ve gotten more depressed and it seems like i’m also physically falling apart, although i’m only 18. my body does not work how it should, along with my mind.
last night i had what i can only describe as a panic wave or some kind of anxiety attack. it was just after 12:30 am and i had turned the lights out for bed. all day i […]
my life is so empty. i don’t have friends. i don’t have a relationship. i have no love in my life. i need to be loved but i’m too ‘weird’ and ‘ugly’. i’m tired of people telling me to love myself. i don’t need to love myself, i need to be loved by someone else. i cannot stand to even think about if i have to spend the rest of my life alone. i’d have to kill myself. a lot of people would think that’s overdramatic, but it’s true. you know how some people need music and some need good food and some need art […]
life is still as sucky as ever. i’ve become an automaton, just moving through the motions of everyday life without any joy. my parents still drinking. tonight they’re so drunk they’ve already fought. my mom is so drunk she doesn’t know what she is talking about. my dad was in the room, and i heard her say “what if we had another little baby?” she is 51 years old, smokes, drinks, has cancer, and is in no health to have a baby (besides the fact that she can’t because she’s in menopause). my dad is so drunk he responded with something accusing her of wanting […]
so it seems my options now are go to live in the new mexico desert, in a bedbug-infested trailer with my sister and her husband, who can barely support themselves… or stay here with my parents, in a home of alcohol and violence, where nothing will ever change. i have to choose one or the other by the 2nd. i’m not feeling very hopeful about my future, needless to say.
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