sunbird

Hi-

Ive been on hiatus-my life fell apart 15 weeks ago and ive tried to put it back together.

I’m anesthetized by some painkillers now so ill write the basics-

Ex boyfriend abandoned me in the hospital(my 3rd). Went out,went through DBT a third time

Have tried to socialize and even signed up on for online dating. Little to no interest,except from a couple of guys who are freaks.

Now my 26 yr old niece is engaged. I’m officially the family spinster.

At 33.5 yrs,with only 1.5 yr left to have a baby,time is officially out.

I think I can safely say I’ve given life my damned best shot.

If there is anyone […]

Its pretty fucking sad when the hotline is basically telling you that yeah,you’re worthless and you will probably end up dead.

Some gems from last nights call:

When I mentioned having herpes…

“Yeah…thats a big one. That would make me think twice about being with someone. Thats a bummer for you.”

When I mentioned being fat…

“Well,you might be overweight,I dont know if I would call you fat walking down the street,but at least thats something you can work on.”

When I mentioned nothing getting better and wanting to die…

“Well,you dont mention having an active plan,you sound pretty depressed. if I had to categorize you specifically,I’d say,yeah,you’re depressed and you are […]

I tried to make it until Australia. Just not meant to be.

I have no other words. There’s nothing left to say.

Actually I have the basic outline done,but need to start focusing all of my energy on the finer details. Im just so exhausted,mentally,physically,spiritually. Im so done with this world.

Basically venting….

My life has just been SO FUCKING WONDERFUL  since I turned 33. My car,which was just paid off,died,and b/c my credit is so crappy,Im going to get the runaround trying to get a new one. Of course,my BF lectures me bout my credit instead of sympathizing. My boss has been selfish and demanding when my car broke down,insisting that I”put the donut on and deal with it when Im done working”. She recanted when she learned that it was,in fact,dead. Then my BF continues to be an asshole and refuse to give me rides to work,knowing that I have limited funds after paying  $360 to […]

Feeling even lower and lower…group sucked today,talking about BPD and mainly about how it affected the people in their lives and how THEY could cope. Also talked about how therapists need help dealing with us psychos. Sorry,if you signed up for that job,you shouldn’t be complaining about how miserable the people who are paying your bills are making you feel.

  I posted on the helium post,I am “testing” a tank and have some questions. if anyone else is familiar with the research,please message me or reply to my post there. No,Im not doing anything at the moment,just research. Though this weekend is going to suck […]

Hi,

I havent posted in a while,figured that i would be “fair” and give this DBT therapy a try,and perhaps make it long enough to go one a last trip.

I thought i *might* be able to make it(to the trip at least,certainly not forever) but now things have been snowballing,I keep messing up,and then the final straw came two nights ago. My BF informed me that i was not welcome at his parents house for Xmas this year. The official reason is that they are upset that i contacted his sister when i was feeling really down a few months back,apparently it left a “bad impression” […]

And I’m the Titanic.

Things happen almost dailt to show me that my life needs to come to an end. Stupid me,I actually tried to daydream this weekend about possible making it to Australia this spring,and putting my date off until then(having one more happy time LOL).

Then today,my work life implodes. My BF is pressuring me(basically threatened to leave me) to do this DBT 6 week program,which screws up my work schedule. My sort-of boss(well,not really-Im a homecare RN and shes my pts mom) was encouraging,b/c i used to talk to her about things. Now,shes been giving me a hard time about how Im messing up […]

So I’m trying to get things in order…for those who are at the same path that I am,how do you go about setting things up? I.e.,what you want done with your body,how you want your possessions divided,etc?

Most of the time I don’t really care,BUT one of my biggest fears is that the decision will be left up to my parents,since I have no spouse/children,and that my dad will have control of my body,and the thought sickens me. I want to protect my remains from that.

Ive thought about trying to sign myself up for donating it to science,but not sure if they will take suicidal deaths […]

I’m getting closer to my chosen date,but just wanted to vent freely where its uncensored…LOL.

The following are some “events” that happened today(some significant,some not) that remind me of what I will not miss when I am gone.

1.Idiot Parents and the School Bus- It used to be that children were able to wait for the bus or-gasp-WALK to school on their own. Not anymore. Now,parents have decided that bus time is social time,and they LOVE to take over the driveway/street where the precious vehicle is scheduled to stop.Their cars sprawl out everywhere-who cares if someone else needs to get through? And whatever space their SUV’s don’t […]