i spoke to my therapist today. i read to her my recent journals to help me evoke emotions so i could actually talk about something. i spoke about how bad the nightmares have been getting, how the paranoia is affecting me, et cetera… and i don’t quite remember how, but we ended up on the topic of the recent violently abusive situation i was in (in august). there was something there that i hadn’t unearthed before? the anger towards my parents. allow me to provide some context: in the situation i was in, i was being blackmailed. my abuser was forcing me to do horrible […]
i’m in a place where i am mentally unable to handle anything. schoolwork feels like trying to roll a boulder up a mountain. functioning in general, actually. i feel so isolated. my friends aren’t as responsive as they used to be when we were all in treatment together… i just feel like shit. i haven’t been able to even work up the motivation to finish my paintings (which are way past due). i have a reading response due tomorrow (600 words) and i haven’t even been able to figure out what the fuck i’m going to say about this passage from Walden. he contradicts himself […]
i often feel like it’s my fate to never be truly happy. as if i’m destined to suffer, that’s my purpose.
many try to make the point of “oh, the bad parts will be over soon”
and to that, I have to ask when? when will they be over? when will they cease to repeat themselves?
it’s a question left unanswered, because the answer is something they don’t want to admit.
The answer is “never”.
for me, at least. I find myself to constantly be a target for abuse, manipulation, pain, et fucking cetera. over and over and over, a never-ending cycle of torture and emotional turmoil.
i don’t have the energy to […]
I’m so tired.
Partially because the ~6 or so hours of sleep I get are of abysmal quality, but I mostly attribute my exhaustion to me being sick. I’m so fucking sick. I’m so exhausted all the time, the nightmares and night terrors plague me and I spend a significant amount of my day thinking about the awful dreams or worrying that it’s some kind of “sign” or “warning,” as if I have precognition or some shit (I know it’s stupid, I don’t know why my anxiety seems to make me delusional to an extent). The effects of my PTSD are fucking debilitating. The dissociation kills […]
last night I had another nightmare. i don’t know why I say this as if I don’t have them every single night. when i wake up, i have to spend a while laying awake in bed, trying to process what i had experienced during my rest. it’s horrifying. these people that i try to push from my mind reappear as if my dream is their real estate. i’ve tried medication, meditation to induce lucid dreams, i’ve done everything within my power. it’s like some twisted possession, my thoughts are no longer in my control and the images of disturbing, horrifying things sit in front of […]
i functioned today. I sat at my desk instead of sitting in my bed. I drank more water than usual. I brushed my hair. I’ll probably write more later when I have the time to focus on my feelings.
feb. 7th 2021 – 3:16 am
it’s night time now (i date my posts based on the site’s time, not my timezone). this is when the bad thoughts get worse. I have too much time to think, there is too much silence. my appetite has been small, and i haven’t been eating enough food that is nutritionally meaningful. ive eaten rice (haven’t even finished it) for a couple […]
I’ve been avoiding showers and changing clothes. Partially because I’m low functioning, but mostly because I don’t want to remember. Every time I shower or change my clothes, I have to see it. I have to see his name, etched into my flesh.
I feel sick to my stomach right now. I can’t stop thinking about it. The things he did. The things he made me do. It’s humiliating. I feel so small and hopeless. I just want to forget. Whenever I remember or think about the things that happened, my face feels heavy.
I want to crawl out of my skin, I don’t want this […]
I’m hurting a lot today. I would say more than normal, but on the other hand, it just feels the same– and that’s part of why it’s so exhausting. Everything has become so mundane. I’ve been sober since late September, I think. I’m proud of myself, I guess. But, dealing with my feelings instead of numbing them with vodka is debilitatingly difficult. I’m having the same issue with sleep. I have horrifying chronic nightmares. Sometimes, my brain will give me an extra “fuck you” and I’ll have a night terror. I’m so tired. I’m so, so tired. I used to snort Ritalin at night in […]
Dead. Dead, but breathing, to put it simply. I can feel myself deteriorating slowly from the inside. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I can feel it in my bones. At this point, I look into the mirror and I am terrified. Who the hell is that? Is that me?
Is it?
I suppose I look like any other person. I suppose.
My insides are all sick and rot. Like bondage on my organs, the PTSD gets a tighter hold on me every single day. I can’t quite process what happened in August. I know what happened, but it all feels like a fever dream. Do I really have the right […]
there’s so many things on my mind
I don’t even know where to start, honestly.
I feel like the entire universe has a personal vendetta against me. It’s traumatic event after traumatic event. Is this my purpose? Is my purpose to be a punching bag? An abuse victim? Traumatized? what’s the fucking point anymore? Why do I even try? Everyone I love leaves, so I might as well push people away like I used to. 9 years of on and off abuse from too many perpetrators to keep track of. I lost my childhood to abusers, and here I am, expected to start planning for […]
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