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sansesperer

You know those weeds that grow in the cracks of a sidewalk? I'm like one of those, only if it had been allowed to grow to the size of a small tree. Had I been pulled out and disposed of when I was just a small weed, things would have been fine. But no, I was allowed to grow to the point where my roots have started to destroy the sidewalk in my immediate vicinity. It is now cracked, buckled and crumbling. I don't know how to repair it; all I do know is that once the weed has been eradicated, then - and only then - it may be possible for the sidewalk to be repaved and renewed.

It’s all just a little bit of history repeating

by sansesperer
written by sansesperer

My last post was on Christmas Eve 2012. It was a Christmas wish list. I didn’t get any of the things on it.

Meanwhile, I’ve gone through another cycle of recovery and decline. Guess which part of the cycle I’m at now? Whilst I’m not quite ready to catch the bus, I’ve spent much of the past 7 years researching and planning. Some of this includes installing safety mechanisms to ensure I don’t go too soon or too hastily, whilst ensuring that I can still leave when I’m truly ready.

Looking back on my old posts from when I was at my […]

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Dear Santa …

by sansesperer
written by sansesperer

I know I’ve been a bad boy this year. This will be the 36th year in a row I’ve been a bad boy. As such, I’m not expecting you to fulfil any of my Christmas wishes this year. That’s not going to stop me from asking, so I fully expect you to read my list and then deliver absolutely nothing.

All I want for Christmas is:
– to be left alone,
– to not have to be forced into socialising with people I don’t much care for,
– separation from my spouse,
– to not have to listen to any fucking Christmas music … Jesus Christ, […]

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Dumb ways to die.

by sansesperer
written by sansesperer

I’m not sure if this post would count as discussing ‘methods’, but it might give y’all a bit of a laugh.  It’s a community service announcement from Australia about train safety, and it has some cute characters going through various types of self-inflicted deaths. Hey, just because we’re depressed it doesn’t mean we can’t have a little chuckle now and then. 🙂

Dumb Ways To Die

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Still here, because I’m still here?

by sansesperer
written by sansesperer

Yes, it’s been a couple of months since I got to the absolute depths of despair. And yes, I’m still here.

I’ve had a couple of pretty big circuit-breakers in my life that blocked the exits for me: a new job and a relocation to a small town about 3 hours away from where I used to live. The new job is great; living alone in a new town has allowed me some breathing space.  However, I still see the family most weekends.

Something else I did was approach my doctor to discuss my issues, mainly under the insistence of others that I do so. He seemed […]

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I didn’t do it. :(

by sansesperer
written by sansesperer

Yesterday, I was all set to catch the bus.  However, I didn’t end up doing it. :(  The main reason is because my preferred method requires dry weather for its best chance of success, and the weather here at the moment is very wet.  I know, it’s a lame excuse … but I’m pretty lame.

I could have used one of my other two methods.  I didn’t.

Parts of my world are falling down around me.  Other parts I thought had fallen down may be more resilient than I first thought.  Depending on the outcomes of today, I may or may not decide to try tonight.  I’m […]

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Not long to go now.

by sansesperer
written by sansesperer

I almost caught the bus last night.  I felt so desperate that I actually started the process.  I only stopped because I hadn’t emailed my final letters yet.

These will go out today, and I will most likely finish the job tonight.

I will let you know how I get on.

 

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Words of wisdom from a famous bipolar person.

by sansesperer
written by sansesperer

“If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”

– Stephen Fry

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How come?

by sansesperer
written by sansesperer

Why is it that so many of the most beautiful and gentle souls one could ever meet feel so desperate to the point of being suicidal, yet so many awful people can just waltz through life without giving anyone else a second thought?  I suspect that the answer may be in this question.

It’s a sick joke.

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The test run.

by sansesperer
written by sansesperer

Note: I am home now, I wrote the following earlier this evening.

—

I am glad I did this test run. I encountered a few issues. Technology related issues. I had hoped to make this post on site, but I think I have broken my phone. It won’t tether to my laptop. :\ I will have to get that fixed. Then, there’s the little issue of very sketchy mobile coverage. I am basically in a hole in the ground.

I am writing this on site and saving it to upload when I get home. I am listening to my final mix tape. The first track, “The Other […]

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From the archives: Escape.

by sansesperer
written by sansesperer

THIS WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN IN APRIL 2012. I was still a lurker here back then.  I didn’t have the confidence to share this.   It paints a pretty accurate picture of where I was at back then.  I thought someone may be interested.
 
My therapist is correct.  The two underlying threads of my life have been seeking approval, and escapism.  When I don’t get approval, I need to escape.  I can’t give myself approval as I feel it is not warranted, therefore my only option is to escape.  If not getting the approval in my relationships that I feel I need, I usually escape by withdrawal.  However, I have […]

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I’m looking forward to tomorrow night.

by sansesperer
written by sansesperer

I have a great night planned tomorrow night.  Basically, it’s a trial run of my last couple of hours here.

First up, I’ll be having a KFC Zinger Burger.  I know it’s not the most glamourous last meal.   But, the humble Zinger burger is in my Top 10 Favourite Foods, so it’ll do the job.  I may even get a piece of Original Recipe to go with it.

Then, I’ll be going to the spot that I mentioned a few weeks back.  I’ll sit there for a while and contemplate everything and nothing.

Finally, I’ll continue what I started on Sunday, and experiment with self-strangulation. I hope to […]

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Testing the waters.

by sansesperer
written by sansesperer

I strangled myself today.   I made the mistake of doing this whilst standing up.  When I got unsteady on my feet, I let go.  I didn’t get as far as to make it to unconciousness, but I did feel a little dizzy for a few minutes afterwards.

Next time I’ll try and get myself to unconciousness.  Perhaps I’ll sit down.  Or maybe I’ll tie the other end of the cord up on something that won’t move, thus freeing up both hands to operate the other side thus increasing my strangulation strength.    The main reason I want to get to unconsciousness is that I want to […]

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Bittersweet.

by sansesperer
written by sansesperer

I hit a new low last night. There is one person who, without fail, makes me happy – even if said happiness is fleeting. However, last night, I was so close to cancelling our catch-up because I just didn’t feel like catching up.

We did catch up, and I’m glad we did … in a way.

What it has gone and done is confirmed that I’ve pretty much invested 18 years of my life in the wrong person. Not helpful.

I also feel under siege at work. My depression has got to a point where it has noticeably affected my work, and my boss’s boss had to have […]

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I love it when a plan comes together.

by sansesperer
written by sansesperer

So, I have the equipment for my preferred method.  I have a backup plan if that method doesn’t work.  I have a third backup plan in case the other two don’t work, or if I don’t feel like doing either of the other two.  All of my supplies are in the trunk of my car; not just the bus ticket, but the accessories I’ll need to make my my exit as calm, orderly and comfortable as possible.

Last night I found the spot.  An absolutely perfect spot.  Not too close, not too far.  Secluded enough so that I can get enough time alone to properly execute (no […]

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Self-medication. Of sorts.

by sansesperer
written by sansesperer

I don’t know why, I don’t know how.  All I know is that I can make myself feel better for a while by giving myself 1 or 2 almighty punches in the side of the head.  I don’t know if giving myself a headache gives me something to concentrate on, or whether it just shakes my noggin enough to make it work properly for a while.  If it’s the latter, maybe it’s similar to The Fonz hitting the side of the jukebox at Arnold’s.  Happy days.

I now understand why cutters do what they do.  Whilst my preferred method of self-treatment isn’t cutting, I can see how it might work for […]

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Saturday night is the loneliest night of the week.

by sansesperer
written by sansesperer

Spent my Saturday night curled up in the foetal position, on a couch in the spare room, interrupted by the occasional self-inflicted punch in the head when it got too much.  Sleep was elusive.  What little sleep I did find was peppered with dreams, such as the one where a train was stopped at a railroad crossing and I decided to sit under the train and wait for it to move.  Then, there was the one where I was back at school, only the HR Manager at my work was the Deputy Principal, and she said she was really worried about me.  I had to […]

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Six words that bug the crap out of me.

by sansesperer
written by sansesperer

“I know exactly how you feel”.

With all due respect, no you don’t. Nobody knows exactly how anyone else feels. The only person that knows exactly how you feel is you.  The only person that knows exactly how I feel is me.

Whilst many of us here have had similar experiences, there are differences within us and within those people and events that have driven us to our respective points. To say “I know exactly how you feel” might be well intentioned, but it is glib and patronising.

I know you’re trying to help. I always want to help. Whilst I may relate to someone else’s feelings and experiences, […]

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Lucky and unhappy.

by sansesperer
written by sansesperer

Reading some of the posts here just break my heart.  There are so many people that have been, or – in some cases, currently subject to the most hideous abuses by those that are supposed to care for them.  Those with drug addicted or alcoholic parents, those that are being physically and sexually abused by members of their own family, or even worse.   It makes the trials and tribulations of my formative years, whilst far from idyllic, seem like paradise in comparison.

Then, there are those for whom fortune has gone and taken a great big dump all over them.  These are the people that were […]

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The only two basic human emotions are love and fear.

by sansesperer
written by sansesperer

This is what some people believe.  When one cuts through whatever emotion one is feeling right now, it’s rooted in either love or fear.

I believe that the reason that we have come to this site is because we have let fear-based emotions rule our lives.  Anger, hate, frustration, anxiety, sadness, shame, regret … these  feelings are all fundamentally driven by fear.  In my case, I’m angry at myself.  I hate my work situation.  I feel great shame in being a burden on so many people. I’m frustrated by my relationship.  I regret not having the balls to be true to myself – this lack of […]

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