thehusk

Most of my dreams are set in childhood, between 10-15. Sometimes it’s horrible. But sometimes it feels great, and I don’t want to wake up. I wasn’t happy back then, but I still had hope. I still felt alive. Things still seemed meaningful. I still felt connected to others. I was still part of society.

I want to go back so badly. Tear up the laws of space and time. For a chance to do it differently. To do it right. Avoid what I’ve become.

I’m left with the feeling that I have to do something. Change something. To escape this reality. Break through to the alternate […]

This morning I went for a dawn walk in local woodland. The sun was rising, glinting through the trees, streams gurgling, birds singing, bluebells everywhere. You couldn’t imagine a more perfect scene. It felt pretty great. While I’m appreciating this, I’m listening to a podcast. And one of the hosts recounts an experience they had once in an animal market. They came across a rabbit that had been skinned. Except it was still alive. Someone had removed it’s skin while it was still conscious, and left it there, twitching.

My initial reaction was shock at the extreme cruelty of this. But beyond that, it provoked what […]

Each morning I wake up wondering ‘why?’. Why am I doing this to myself? Why aren’t I killing myself? Why shouldn’t I end it?

I don’t have a meaningful life, and I can’t see a way to build one. I’m in persistent discomfort. I’m mostly anxious, or lonely, or despairing. I’m an irredeemable person. And things are only likely to get worse.

How bad do things have to get before suicide is the only rational choice?

Is it even a choice that’s really open to me?

I wish I could just resolve it, one way or the other. Then at least I could stop worrying about it.

Instead every day […]

I’m completely alone, and I think I always will be, because I’m twisted and I’ve done unforgivable things. I’m not just isolated physically but morally, socially, emotionally. I’m cut off from humanity.

This leads to feelings of depression, despair, hopelessness. Because what’s the point, if you’re always going to be alone? What are you living for?

So I keep thinking I should kill myself. And yet I don’t. And I’m not sure that’s a good choice. It seems like things are pretty bad already, and could easily get much worse. Why face that? For what?

I think what I want is resolution, one way or the other, so […]

This isn’t hell. Or even purgatory. I can imagine far worse things than this. But it is one of the shittier lives you could choose. I’m fairly sure it would be better if it didn’t exist.

For whatever reason I’m not ending it. But I don’t know if there’s any way to make things less shitty.

The problem is me. My mind is fucked. My character and personality are fucked. The way I think and feel about things is fucked. The me that tries to change or do things differently is the same me that is the problem.

I don’t know if I can change that. Can you […]

One of the biggest things inhibiting desire for suicide in me is thinking about my parents getting the news. Imagining these wonderful people who have poured so much love and energy into supporting me over the years, long after they should have turned their backs. It just seems completely unacceptable to do that to them. I know it’ll break them – they’re way too emotionally invested. Putting them through that much pain – and I don’t think they’d ever heal. I’m a terrible person, and a terrible son, but I still love them.

On the other hand, continuing to exist also seems unacceptable. I shouldn’t be. […]

I feel so terrible about myself, but simultaneously love all the reasons I have for hating myself. It’s both the worst and most awful thing ever and the most amazing incredible thing imaginable. In short, my mind is fucked.

I don’t want to feel this anymore. Except parts of me really do.

I want to eradicate this from my mind. Purge it all, wipe it from existence. Or sink into it and be completely consumed by it.

It’s living with it that’s the problem. Like a shard in my mind. This terrible unforgivable thing driving me. I can’t bear it. But I can’t bear to let go either. […]

Suppose for whatever reason you decide that you’re not ready to end it yet. But you’re still filled with an overwhelming sense of the futility of living. You’re still in pain, and that seems likely to only get worse. You’re still completely alone, and unable to see any possibility of meaningful connection. It still feels clear that you would be better off not existing.

Are there better ways to manage that feeling? So that it consumes you and tortures you as little as possible? I’ve been trying/failing for the best part of 12 years now.

Some random responses that come to my mind:

Mindfulness/meditation – to try to […]

If it’s cowardice that’s stopping me, is that something I should try to overcome? Would that even be possible?

If it’s because I don’t want to devastate my parents, then why isn’t that enough to motivate me to get my shit together and do what I need to to survive?

If I’m always going to be alone, and the main purpose of life is connection with others, then what’s the point in continuing?

If I’m an unforgivably terrible person, and the world would be better off without me, then why aren’t I doing the right thing and ending it?

If my mind generates high levels of emotional suffering, and […]

It’s truly pathetic, but I don’t feel there’s a way out of it. I don’t know – when does a want become a need?

I constantly find myself invested emotionally in getting attention from women. I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I’ll start conversations online thinking it’s purely innocent chatting, but when someone responds suddenly find I’m way too invested in them liking me. Which is pointless, because there’s nothing to most of these things – there’s nowhere it can go. But this desperate dumb subconscious part of me thinks it’ll somehow magically become something more. Even though I don’t even have the conscious intention […]

There’s so much conflict in me between the parts of me that want to live and those that think I shouldn’t. Even if I could find someone who wanted to be involved with me on a surface level (feels unlikely), I’d never be able to be honest with them. And maybe that would feel even worse than this complete loneliness. To be deceiving someone you cared for, to be deeply wronging them simply by your involvement. So close to a meaningful connection, but fundamentally lying about who you are.

There’s a monster in me. That sounds melodramatic, but it’s the best way I can think to […]

I can’t see how I’ll ever be able to overcome my fear and actually do it. Which is irrational. Presuming consciousness disintegrates with the body, what is there to fear?

Yes, it will completely devastate my parents and sister, and yes, that’s terrible. But do I really care enough to endure another 20 plus years of feeling like this (not to mention how much worse things are likely to get)? Surely not.

Given that we all have to face death naturally at some point, it makes sense to skip ahead and bring an end to my own wretchedness.

I’m just so instinctively averse to the idea. Even just […]

There’s nothing I could do at this point to become acceptable. I’ve irredeemably stained myself. So why fucking bother? Why do anything?

I don’t want to be this. The villain in other people’s stories. The threat. The source of disgust and repulsion. It hurts. And I’m not saying I don’t deserve to feel bad. But it’s not a feeling I can stand. It drains all meaning from the world. There’s no hope.

I don’t want die. I’ve got survival instincts like most people. Dying scares the shit out of me. I have more reason than most to fear hell.

But I don’t want to be this anymore. I’m […]

Even when I’m with people, I’m alone. Morally, psychologically. I’ve cut myself off from humanity. So now I have to act, with everyone. I have to pretend I’m not this sick twisted thing. Because who I really am is too repulsive. I shouldn’t be allowed to exist in society.

It’s hard to say whether this was always in me, looking for a way out. Maybe in different circumstances I would’ve turned out better.

But I did this to myself, and now I have to live with it. Or not.

Why go on living, when every interaction you have with others is deceitful, and robbed of meaning? When genuine […]

It’s kind of absurd how one of the worst things in the world has come to feel like the most amazing thing in my mind. How could someone become so morally confused? I suppose it happened gradually. Years of ignoring taboos, pushing boundaries. Sinking to the lowest depths to avoid facing feelings I didn’t know how to deal with.

But I can’t help thinking there was always something inherent in me, some disposition or vulnerability to evil. I don’t think I would have chosen this from a position of total moral clarity. Something was always wrong, and it just grew with me.

Could it have been otherwise? […]

I keep getting overwhelmed by the thought that I should be ending it now, while I still can, before something terrible happens. Not that things aren’t bad now – but it’s more or less tolerable. I have no life, no prospects, no real relationships – I’m completely alone. I’m full of regret, longing, guilt, shame, self-hatred etc. But I’m used to it. I’m used to being miserable. If everything just stayed like this, I reckon I could stick it out another 50 years and die naturally. Or at least until my parents died.

But things won’t stay like this. Things will continue to deteriorate. And the […]

Reasons To Kill Myself:

Fear of extreme suffering in future – imprisonment, violence, poverty, homelessness, accident, disability.
Ending my current emotional cycle of regret, despair, longing, guilt, shame, self-hatred, craving, & fear.
Ending the near constant low level physical discomfort.
Ridding the world of my stain, and preventing any future negative effects on others.

Reasons Not To:

Emotional devastation of family – my parents and sister.
Fear of the experience of dying.
Fear of something worse beyond death.
Attachment to fantasies of a future – love, contentment, peace etc.
Attachment to being in this world- memory, beauty, music.
Fear of making a mistake – that continuing to live could somehow be worthwhile.
Addiction to certain experiences and […]

It seems that everyone is in the position of gambling on the nature of reality. By delaying ending my life, I am wagering that something terrible doesn’t happen in the mean time. Or that it will somehow pay off in terms of future happiness or fulfillment. Or that my endurance of suffering will be worth it in terms of protecting my parents and sister from the devastation of loss.

My problem is that I have no confidence in any of these reasons. There is every reason to believe that at some part, it will all fall apart. That my past will catch up with me, bringing […]

I’m in a near constant state of internal conflict and uncertainty. I should be dead. If anyone should, I should. I must be among the most wretched people on this planet. There’s so much wrongness in me.

But ending my life seems likely to devastate my parents and sister. When they’ve done so much to try to help me. I don’t want to do that to them. To infect their lives with my despair and hopelessness, when they worked so hard to give me hope and happiness when I was young.

Perhaps that’s just a rationalization, and all that’s really keeping me going is blind survival instinct. […]

I’m so wrong. And sometimes I can kind of recognize it. I’m a partially self-aware monster. But I won’t change. Because changing would mean letting go of fantasies, and false meanings. And there’s nothing else for me. There’s no other motivation in my mind. My core self is corrupt.

Strip that away, and what’s left? Just an aging meatbag who spends all day sleeping and digesting.

My will to survive is bound up in the unconscious delusion that at some point my fantasies will come true, and all will be right with the world.

Take away the wanting, craving, narcissistic fantasist…and nothing remains. Maybe pain. But nothing else.

What […]