thehusk

I dreamt about her again last night. But it’s not about her. It’s what she represents in my subconscious – someone who thought I was worth knowing. She eventually realized she was wrong about that, but she tried far harder than anyone else to give me the opportunity. And now that’s long-gone. And I just want to go back, and find some way to cling on to it. Do things differently. Show my appreciation. Be the person I should’ve been.

There’s no way back, there’s no do-overs, as far as I know. Maybe at some point the universe will loop and all this will happen again, […]

I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m too afraid to end it. Unless/until something drastic changes, like becoming homeless or serious illness, I’m going to be sticking around. I’ve spent years questioning whether it would be preferable to overcome that fear and go through with it. But I’ve found no consistent answer, and without that I just don’t have it in me.

So if I’m going to be stuck here, the next question that arises is how to make things as bearable as I can. That seems to be an even more complicated question. A significant part of me believes that I […]

I spend my evenings desperately trying to find something to distract from the gnawing unease I feel deep inside. Life was supposed to be about more than this. It was supposed to somehow involve other people. But I find myself largely unable to connect to other people – being around others reminds me how much I don’t like myself. All my fears & insecurities put me constantly on edge. I’m terrified of anyone seeing who I really am – because who I am is repulsive. And when I’m on my own, I can mostly be ok with that. I can intellectualise it, and understand what […]

I don’t know how to let go. It’s not something I ever learned. To force my brain to move the fuck on from whatever it’s fixated on. I seem to be causing myself endless pointless suffering, simply because my mind will not process the evidence presented to it.

This thing that seems incredibly important and vital? Yeah, that’s not for you. Better luck next time. Just accept it and focus on something else.

But I don’t. It’s like there’s this void inside me, and I’m desperately seeking out something that might negate it. Maybe letting go would mean accepting that void. That there is no purpose or […]

I have this desperate urge to feel connected to another person, but I don’t think I’m capable. I don’t like people, not really. Not even myself. Especially not myself. A part of me thinks I’m better than everyone, though most of me knows I’m far worse. I can’t risk anyone seeing the truth. So it’s all meaningless. I’ve cut myself off from humanity – I’m completely alone. It’s understandable that my mind should seek an escape – isolation is a genetic dead end. But escape would require a brain that wasn’t poisoned. I will die this way, however long I live for.

Most of the time I live in a self-contained bubble of distraction. I avoid my negative feelings by consuming a constant stream of media. But when I have to be around people I’m forced to face how I really feel, and I don’t know how to cope with it.

Emotional suffering is strange – I want to say that it hurts, but if you asked me what the pain was like, I wouldn’t know what to tell you. It’s hard to articulate what the distress consists of. I suppose a series of encounters triggers parts of my brain that I mostly try to suppress, and […]

I don’t want to be me anymore. The things I have in my head – it would be better if they didn’t exist in the world. I don’t think I’m capable of living a worthwhile life. And I don’t want to be this miserable pathetic wretch. But I’m scared that it won’t end with death. I’m scared to let go. And I don’t want to ruin the lives of my family.

I feel like I’ve been trying hard – at least, harder than I normally do. I’ve been working a lot. It feels good to be earning again, and for the first time it might be enough to support myself. I hate the pressure of deadlines though. There’s never enough time, and I end up rushing and making mistakes. And that leaves me feeling like crap. Because if I make too many, then maybe they’ll stop sending work my way, and then I’ll be back to square one. But also because it taps into my fundamental fear of being judged by others. If I make mistakes […]

Every now and then, when I’m feeling especially low, I find myself wondering: “Why aren’t I going back to it?” To the worst things I’ve done. It’s what I used to do when I felt like this. A huge part of me wants to, and to do much worse. It’s been nearly 5 years now since I last sunk so low.

I think it’s mainly for selfish reasons. It’s finally clicked in my head that it won’t make me happy. Sure, it’ll feel amazing in the moment. But then I’ll have to deal with the guilt again. The guilt never goes away. But it will be […]

I’m so incredibly alone. And I’ve been like this so long that I can’t imagine being any other way. Even spending time with people I care about just serves to highlight the separation and disconnection. This is me now. I can’t relate to other people – not really. Other people are a threat. I can’t let anyone in. I can’t let my guard down. I can’t be authentic or real, with anyone. It’s just me, and the performance I put on to protect myself. And I’m so fucking sick of both.

My nephew was born today. My family cried with happiness when we got the […]

I never really figured out how to be ok with intensely wanting something that you can’t have. The kind of desire that feels most crucially fundamental, where a part of you just yells “Yes! This is what life is all about! This is all you need to focus on!” I never learned how to let go of those feelings, how to accept reality and move on.

I’ve seen other people do it constantly throughout my life. Seen them subconsciously recognise that they’re not going to get anywhere with a desire, accept that fact, and refocus. Seen them find happiness by adjusting their expectations, by letting […]

I dreamt of her again just now. It’s not about her though – it’s what she represents in my subconscious. In my mind she’s the only person who ever liked me enough to make it clear, again & again. No matter how low my self-esteem, I couldn’t ignore it. So when she shows up in a dream, I briefly remember what it felt like to be worth something to someone, to be accepted. For someone to see me and not see someone worthy of pity or scorn, but someone likable. All the fear and anxiety and loneliness recedes, and I want to live again. I […]

When I was young I always took for granted how nice it was to not be in pain. I’m not talking about severe pain, but the near-constant low level discomfort I have now. I would give so much to go back to that now. There’s always something that hurts. If it’s not my teeth it’s my back, or my stomach, or my head. So much of my life now is just feeling physically shitty. It’s not worth it. I want a refund.

I wish telling myself this was enough. That I could just be confident that I was coming across like a normal person. Either I try to just “be myself”, and worry that people are looking at me funny. Or I try to act “normal”, and constantly worry that I’m getting it wrong and acting weird. I wish I could just not care, either way.

I’ve really tried to not think about it. So people think I’m weird – so what? But I feel exposed – vulnerable. It feels dangerous. I suppose at some point in my childhood I decided that saying or doing weird/dumb stuff […]

I waste so much time and energy stuck in this loop of despair:
1. Something reminds me of something I feel might make my life worth living.
2. I’m confronted with the reality that those things are beyond my capacity.
3. I feel miserable, and question why I’m not ending my life if it’s not worth living.
4. I remember that I am cripplingly terrified of death.
5. I ponder whether it might be possible to overcome such fears, and if so whether it would be best to do so.
6. I conclude that although it would probably be best for my personal experience if […]

desperate longing to feel some sort of connection with another human being + complete inability to reveal self to others or be accepted = yet another pointless sp post

probably repeat this in a few days, when the urge to wrestle with this insoluble problem next strikes

at least I can pretend to myself I’m doing something, even if it’s pointless

Mostly I just want to not experience this anymore. I’m the bad guy in my own life, but I don’t know how to stop. You always think of the villain in a story “Why don’t you just stop being like that? Just stop being such an asshole.” Just stop. Simple.

But I still have these emotions and thoughts, even when I’m not acting on them. I still want to do bad things, deep down. I don’t know how to stop that. Or how to want to stop. How do you stop yourself from wanting something? How do you amputate off your deepest emotions and drives? Where […]

Every now and then I get a little flash of memory – a small reminder of a long forgotten moment when I was someone completely different. All of this random shit is still lodged in my brain, but it’s mostly lost. It’s been archived, dumped in the recycle bin, and the links are gone. But the memories are still there, just waiting for a reminder.

It’s the strangest thing, having this random link to someone who long ago disappeared. He didn’t know any of what I know now. Had none of the worries or cares. He’d never felt despair, or even real sadness. He cried when […]

What do you do when you’re socially dead? When you’ve killed the part of you capable of relaxing or enjoying being around others? Whatever capacity I had for fulfilling relationships or friendships is gone. To just be in the moment with someone, to relate. To let go. I can’t interact without this constant shadow hanging over me. I can’t bring myself to be likable, or fun, or interesting anymore. I was never exactly the life of the party, but when I was a kid I at least had some semblance of personality. There was still something inside my shell that I would occasionally let out. […]

It’s so hard just getting through each day without self-destructing. Let alone making enough to support myself. I don’t think I have it in me. This world is too complicated to deal with when all you want is to curl up in a ball. People want you to jump through too many damned hoops.

I tell myself that I should try. That I care about my parents and sister and the pain they would feel if I stopped. That’s true – I hate to think of them going through that. But I rarely actually feel that sense of caring.

I don’t really care about anything real. I […]