thehusk

I worry about participating on sites like these, talking to suicidal people. Especially those who are younger and more impulsive than me. I worry that I might say something that triggers something for them, which then pushes them over the edge. Not intentionally or from being insulting (I think I’m rarely mean), but just carelessly through discussion. And it’s not that it would exactly be my ‘fault’ if that did happen. I don’t think I have the power to make anyone kill themselves who isn’t already 99% of the way there. But it still concerns me.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say that no […]

I chose this. Mostly unconsciously; I never imagined I’d end up here. But if I’d made different decisions, it seems plausible I could’ve lived a decent life. Not spectacular, but good; meaningful. And instead I chose the myriad of errors that led me here; utterly alone, pathetically desperate, gazing on as others live out what I robbed myself of.

I might question how a younger me came to be so morally bankrupt; to make such terrible choices. Clearly circumstance and innate vulnerabilities played a role. But I don’t think I was destined to be this; I wasn’t born a monster. I made myself into one, choice […]

A day or two ago there was a mass shooting in the nearest large town. That doesn’t happen round here; hardly anyone has guns, and its pretty rural. When I hear about this kind of thing on the news, I always struggle to understand the mindset of the murderer.

I can totally get feeling hatred and anger toward society; even wanting to hurt people. I’ve had fantasies about wiping out the whole of humanity; just so I can finally be free of the fear of others. I can even understand lashing out in a moment of rage or despair. So I think I get some of […]

Just Venting. I’m so sad. Saw my sister for the first time in a year. She’s expecting her first child. I’m glad for her, but it reminds me that I will never be a father. I don’t even want a family right now, but it’s knowing it’s not even an option that hurts.

What I want is a partner (at least some of the time). But I’m so far away from being capable of that. Even if I could somehow deceive someone into caring for me, and find someone that could stand to be around me 24/7, it’s not something I could do to someone […]

The struggle to make a ‘living’ has never seemed worthwhile to me. It’s not that I don’t have a work ethic – I’m pretty damn conscientious, once I get started. I’m even quite bright, in an abstract, head in the clouds kind of way. I like to be helpful where I can. I like things to run smoothly. I have skills – they’re just not very marketable.

What I most lack is any ability to deal with other people’s shit. Ask me to do a clearly defined task that’s within my grasp, and I’ll happily oblige. Ask me to deal with whatever hectic schedule you’re running […]

We all die alone. More or less. Maybe someone is there to hold your hand at the end. But you are alone in experiencing death. It’s scary, but it’s the same for everyone.

What I’m doing is living alone, for however long I live, and that fact makes me so much sadder. I will never connect with anyone. I will never care for anyone. I will never let anyone into my life. If I live a normal lifespan, no one will come to my funeral.

It’s such a waste. But I just can’t. I can’t be real with anyone, ever. I can’t be ‘myself’, because ‘myself’ is […]

I’m so sick of being me. But I’m also rather attached. What I wouldn’t give for some thoughts and feelings not contaminated by this well of loneliness and despair inside. But if anyone were able to take it from me, I would stubbornly resist. It’s who I am now. I’ve been this way the majority of my life. My formative years. It’s my personality. Despair, pessimism, isolation, and regret for what might’ve been. I can’t imagine anything else. I can’t imagine not hating myself. It’s my only frame of reference for interacting with the world.

When it comes down to it, I think a lot of my issues stem from a fundamentally deficient mindset. The vast majority of people would’ve been able to deal with the circumstances I grew up in just fine. I was dealt a perfectly decent hand of cards. I just wasn’t granted the capacity to appreciate them. I wasn’t able to accept or find meaning in a world where I was seen as less than or inferior. I wasn’t ok with being average. And so I refused to play the part, and make the necessary effort to remain average. I became sub-standard. I didn’t value the […]

The only circumstance where I can imagine actually ending my life is if I was afraid of something more than I was afraid of death. If I had a serious illness and was afraid of the pain, then maybe. Otherwise, I’m stuck here. I’m not physically impulsive, and I’m averse to injury, so I’m not going to do anything like that. I’m not strong willed and I don’t have a clear idea of things in life I won’t accept. I’ve already failed at everything in life, yet I’m still here. There’s no low to which I’ll think ‘this is too much.’ I’m already at the […]

Last night I dreamt again about the only girl who ever cared for me. Not the only girl who was into me, but the only one who got close enough for me to really feel it. She often flits in and out of my dreams, though last night was particularly vivid.

I think what stands out is the memory of what it’s like to be around someone who cares about you like that. The feeling of having someone there who’s on your side, looking out for you, who actually likes you as a person – that’s been so rare in my life. To know that someone […]

It’s a kind of a mindfuck, being guilty of something where you can’t know the consequences. I suppose the closest comparison would be repeatedly drunk driving and not knowing whether you’d ever hit anyone. Though it’s somehow both far worse and much less direct than that. On the one hand, it’s hard to believe that what I’ve done had any real effect on anyone else. I can construct chains of causation where my actions played a role in ruining someone else’s life. But it’s hard to take them seriously. It’s all hypothetical. I don’t really feel the guilt. What I feel is closer to shame. […]

I woke this morning filled with irrational hatred. Wanting to destroy the whole world, and everyone in it. It’s a familiar feeling. There’s no logic or justifiable grievance behind it. No one has ever wronged me severely enough to provoke such feelings. If I were to explain it, I would put it down to some kind of suppressed narcissistic rage. A primeval fury at being denied that which I feel entitled to.

I drift back and forth between dream and consciousness, gripped in this negative state. Slowly the parts of me charged with functioning kick into gear. But a shadow is cast over my day. What […]

The question seems to be how to cause myself minimal suffering while I’m still here. This is a problem. My entire psychology seems to be tailored toward self-aggravation. To seeking out the things I want but can’t have, so I can feel good and miserable about it. To search for reminders of the acts I feel the most guilt for. To wallowing in my complete isolation.

Life is not good for me. Living is not good. Experiencing the world through the prism of this mind generates needless unhappiness. It would be better if I could spend most of each day unconscious. Wake up every now and […]

The problem is me. My personality. The way I think about and react to things. I cause myself huge amounts of needless, pointless distress. But I’m also way too stubborn to change that. I’m so in love with hating myself at this point that I won’t ever let myself change.

I need a personality transplant. This one isn’t viable anymore. It sabotages any attempt to help it. The rot has gone too deep. I need to be brainwashed. Mindwiped. Reprogrammed. Basically I need someone to imprison me, erase all my memories, and totally retrain me like a newborn child.

Of course that isn’t possible. Any intervention depends […]

I’m so sick of being me. But I don’t know how to stop.

I don’t want to die enough to do it impulsively. Maybe I never will. My inhibitions are simply too strong. I think the only way I’d get there is if I can convince myself fully that it’s the best choice, then slowly but consistently build up to the act itself.

But it’s hard to know how to find that kind of conviction. In terms of consequences, I believe it would devastate my family, especially my mother (she’s way too invested in my wellbeing.) It’s hard to see how they’d get over it. They definitely don’t deserve to go through that. And obviously the impact of death […]

I just found out that one of my parents’ dogs was put down – advanced lung cancer. They’d only had her 9 months – an old battered rescue dog. The majority of that time I wasn’t even living in the house with her, and even when I was, it’s not like we formed some super close bond. She wasn’t my dog, though I suppose because she was part of the family I became attached.

It still hit me a bit when I found out – I still welled up. Partly that’s because I’m a soft bastard, and I do get easily attached. Someone I’ve become linked […]

I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to sleep. Sleep, until I don’t feel this sense of overwhelming futility anymore. I want to go back, to when I still had hope. To when I still felt life could be worth living. Now I can’t even imagine experiencing contentment or peace.

I hate myself. I love myself. Either way, I’m self-obsessed. A strange kind of narcissism. I find myself unable to simply be around others. I cannot help observing myself in their responses, and am appalled by what I see. How pathetic and worthless must I seem, for them to slight me in such a way?

The truth is that there is rarely any judgement involved. I am simply another background character in their play, as they are in mine – a dark blur moving briefly through their awareness. I know this – rationally I know this. Yet I can’t switch it off – this hyper-awareness of […]

Each day I ask myself ‘Why aren’t you ending your life?’ What I tend to come up with is some combination of subconscious survival instinct and fear. As long as I’m alive, there’s a theoretical chance I might reproduce. And additionally, I’m terrified of what might follow death. Although I tend to presume it’s nothing, it’s still essentially a leap into the unknown.

So, the next question is ‘Are those good reasons not to do it?’ To which the answer is generally ‘No.’ I have no intention of ever starting a family, so maintaining my theoretical ability to pass on my genes is utterly pointless. And […]