It’s been a while since I was last here. I never thought I would return to post anything again, not that there’s something wrong with it, I guess I just never felt like I needed it – either that or I just kept my mind busy for long enough.
Either way, it seems like not much has changed over the past few years. I’m in a different place (physically), surrounded by different people, yet the feeling of loneliness that creeps around is the same as always. I can’t say for sure if I really ever progressed, but deep down I feel like I’m stuck on […]
So, it took me around 6 or 7 years for me to realize that all I want in life is to be taken into account. To be someone that people think about. To not just be a complete no one blended in the crowd. But I wouldn’t call myself an attention seeker, all I’ve ever wanted was a purpose, a place in this world.
I’m pretty sure this all started back when I was in junior high school. I was your typical shy and not talkative (outcast) kid. I never was a person of many friends (and I’m not to this day), but I longed […]
So yeah, fell in love, another bullshit story of a broken heart, yadda yadda yadda.
To keep things short, what I know think I must do is to get away from this person for a little while at least, so I can get a little better and whatnot. After all, I think it would be great to take care of myself for once in a lifetime. Right now, the only thing I want to do is to go on with my life. I’ve grown too apathetic to really care about most things that could happen next.
But, is it the correct thing to do? I wouldn’t wanna […]
What is it that I’m feeling right now?
Seems like a weird mix of jealousness, resentment, sadness, hate… anger? A clash between “I don’t deserve this” and “I’m worthless as it is.” Nothing has changed. I just feel… powerless. Like anything I try will be futile.
I just came to the realization that all our problems derive from ourselves and end with ourselves. However, doing something about it (and actually accomplishing something) is a totally different story.
The need to belong somewhere or with someone, the longing to be missed or loved, to feel like you matter, to feel the approval of others, to want what […]
It’s a small world indeed.
Nowhere to run.
No matter how hard you try, you can’t change. People don’t change. They just show their true colors.
No matter where you go, you can’t start from zero. Someone else will inevitably recognize you. This life is just an endless cycle. A social circle that keeps getting bigger, but seems to be closing in.
The older you get, the more people you know, the less friends you have. More expectations to be met, more people to disappoint. All the pressure in my chest, the buzzing sound in my head. Wanting to cry, yet nothing comes out.
Achieving […]
It’s been half a year since I last came here. A lot of things can happen and change in six months, and it’s still incredible how some things remain constant in your life, for better or worse.
Tonight I feel down, yet again, but I’m getting to the point where this feeling is overwhelming me, more than the usual “I can handle this amount of sadness” feeling I tend to ignore most of the times. College is tearing holes in my self-confidence, my mental health and my ability to maintain healthy social interactions with others. With everyone around me having the typical “Holiday cheerfulness” and organizing […]
I’ve been going on and off this site for the past 4 years as a way of letting out everything I’m not able to say to others. However I think I’m reaching the point of no return where what I’m feeling is something I cannot describe. Whenever I felt like things were about to overflow, I just wrote it down and allowed myself to calm down a little. However for the last week I’ve been feeling very uneasy on that regard, unable to explain what I feel.
Summer breaks from college are the worst since people are no longer “forced” to see me almost daily, so […]
I am currently on a vacation, and for some reason I thought that going out a full weekend with some “friends” would be a good idea. Naturally, it wasn’t a good idea at all.
It’s been just one day, and I already feel left out. I feel really sad and I don’t want to say anything because it will ruin everyone else’s weekend. I feel I need new friends (again), but I’m positive that I will feel the same way. It’s always the same. I don’t belong anywhere. I just want to die. Like, really hard. Harder than ever before.
And for the first time, […]
I still can remember back when I was like 6 or 7, I loved to go to school. Those where simpler times, where getting good grades was your only real worry or responsibility. But as children grow up, they start becoming more responsible, they have other interests, other hobbies. Not me. School was my only priority. And I was the best at it. No one was smarter than me (smarter as in how society and educational institutions define you: the one with the best grades, etc).
When I finished junior high school 4 years ago (I was 15 at the time), school was still my […]
3 years ago, back when I entered high school, I decided to change schools with the sole purpose of leaving behind every single one of the fucks I met back in junior high school. Those 3 years in junior high school were the beginnings of my depression, and I thought a change of scenery would help. Ironically, everyone else left that school, except for my friends (at least on that time they were my friends), so my plan didn’t work out quite as well as I was expecting, so I started high school alone.
I forced myself into socializing, and I met A LOT of people, […]
Tomorrow is my first official day at university, and I can already feel the crushing pressure. I’m feeling really anxious. Maybe some part of it can be due to the obvious “new stage” I’m going through in my life, but I’m really sure most of it is due to the whole “adult responsibilities” thingy I’m also going through. My anxiety is really killing me now.
For example, driving. I. Can’t. Fucking. Drive. A car. I get really really anxious and feel I’m going to fuck up, plus I have a fear of speed.
Also, I did a little research about some of the teachers I’m going […]
Losing a true friend always hurts. No matter how many times it has happened to me, I can never get used to it (especially when you have like 3 friends and you can’t afford to lose anyone, like me). Worse of it all, if it’s my fault. Here’s the story of how it happened…
What started like a fun party turned for the worse, when one of my closest friends started feeling pretty bad because of the alcohol. In the end, he suffered an alcohol overdose and was rushed to the hospital. We all hoped we would hear from him that week. But we didn’t.
Today I […]
So, yeah, today’s my high school prom and shit, and I didn’t go. I thought it probably was the best decision I could’ve made since nobody really cares if I’m there or not. However I’m being slowly taken by a feeling of regret, which is ironic since not going was my decision and mine alone. My parents don’t even know there is a prom right now. I don’t even know anymore.
In junior high school my parents forced me into going to the prom. I absolutely hated it, and decided I wouldn’t go to another party like that. And now that I’m rotting at home I’m […]
I once saw a Simpsons chapter where Moe Szyslak says to himself that there must be someone out there for someone like himself, and that everyone has a significant other somewhere in the world. Then right after that, we see how his significant other is about to hang herself up because of loneliness. For some reason, I’m beginning to think that the same thing has happened to me.
I’m living right now trapped in a social circle where everyone has found their significant other. Little by little, everyone is hooking up with someone; everyone but me.
Maybe Moe was wrong. Maybe not everyone is destined to […]
I once heard or read that we have a “limit”, and we shouldn’t keep everything to ourselves because it bottles up and in the end we won’t be able to hold to it any longer, and we break. We surpass that limit.
Well, theory confirmed: I broke my limit yesterday. All the sadness, anger and frustration, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I started crying. Things get worse if you take into account that I started crying in a party. And I really hate when people see me cry and then come to me.
Now I don’t know how will I be able to look those people […]
These last days I’ve been having some sort of “issue” with my best friend (well, now I’m not sure if I should keep calling her that). The thing is, I need the opinion from people who don’t know her so I can have the most objective points of view. Maybe the problem doesn’t exist and I’m just having my usual insecurity issues, but somehow this time I don’t think that’s the case. Anyways.
I could say the problem started around 6 months ago when she started having some sort of romantic feelings to a certain guy. This ultimately caused us to become more separated from one […]
I never thought I would be back here. Not that I don’t like being here, it’s just that apparently I didn’t need to be here for 3 months. Or maybe I just forgot I could be here; I feel like home here. Aaaanyways…
After what I thought would be the worst semester in high school, my only 2 true friends are back (at least the only friends that don’t get sick of me or look at me as an option to pick from the bunch). And yes, I was right, that last semester was the worst. Ever. Although it wasn’t as bad a I had imagined […]
If any of you have been following some of my posts until now (which I highly doubt) you may or may not know that I’m in love with my best friend. Of course, she was the one who sent me to the friendzone. Of course I’ve been there every time some asshole has broken her heart. Of course, I’ve been there telling her how every single guy she likes is a complete idiot (and this isn’t because I like her). And naturally, she doesn’t have the slightest clue about that.
But now she found someone… different. This time she took the next step into being in […]
Do you know what’s worse than being in love with your best friend? Being ignored by her and replaced with someone else while all you want is being there with her and making her the happiest person ever. At least that’s what I wanted. Seeing her happy automatically makes me happy. Or so I thought.
An even worse thing than that is seeing her holding hands with that same person that replaced you. When I saw that I felt everything inside of me sinking. Like something died inside of me.
But on the bright side, I had initial thoughts that she would find a new best […]
I’m learning the hard way that everything I say and do is wrong. I’m going to lose friendships I can’t afford to lose if I keep doing it. I have this bad habit of telling everyone stuff about people I shouldn’t say to anyone. Eventually everyone is going to kick the shit out of me, I’ve already been threatened twice and I still can’t learn my lesson.
What a shitty personality I have.
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