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worthless_loser 73

end of the road

by worthless_loser 73 5/28/2015

written by worthless_loser 73

I have tried to hang in there as long as I could. Waited and waited for the only thing that could save me. But she (and them) chose to let me be. She didn’t find it in her heart to save the man that used to be her entire world. The man who did everything for her (and them) for 5 1/2 years. No, that must have never happened. Our relationship must have never existed. I, therefore, never existed.

It must be a heavy burden to carry. Being the one thing that can save a human life. And yet, when faced with the same choice in […]

5/28/2015 4 comments

unconditional

by worthless_loser 73 5/26/2015

written by worthless_loser 73

That is what my love is for you. Plain and simple. I know you will never get to read this, my love, but I wanted you to know that I haven’t stopped loving you even for one second. Tomorrow it will be 115 days since I saw you last. I have missed you terribly every single day. No matter the hurt you have caused me, the pain, the betrayal, the lies, the broken promises. It all means nothing when it comes to my love for you. It is unending. It is pure. It is intense. It is all I have left to give. The end […]

5/26/2015 2 comments

my old self

by worthless_loser 73 5/24/2015

written by worthless_loser 73

Haven’t posted in a long time. Been busy making preparations for my next (hopefully last) attempt at ending it all. Lately have had time to only read a few posts and leave a comment or two.

I was thinking earlier how long it has been since the last time I can remember being myself. Not this broken down version I have become. The old me. The real me. The human me. Not the zombie I have been the last year.

Those of you that have followed my posts, know my story well. My ex-fiancée and her kids abandoned me and erased me from their lives. She went […]

5/24/2015 12 comments

happy birthday daughter

by worthless_loser 73 5/8/2015

written by worthless_loser 73

Some background info for those not familiar with my posts. The daughter in the title is not my biological child, and I have no claim to her in a legal sense, either. She is my ex-fiancée’s daughter. We were together for 5 1/2 years, and she left me for no reason earlier this year.
She then proceeded to completely erase me from her life. And so have her kids. She has gone back to her ex-husband, who she left in order to be with me. I haven’t seen her or the kids since February 1st.
To this day I don’t know what I did to […]

5/8/2015 16 comments

at my best

by worthless_loser 73 5/6/2015

written by worthless_loser 73

It’s interesting how when you have severe depression, regret is your constant companion. I remember when my depression was just mild. Regret was there, but it was fleeting. There were moments when it was actually gone.
These days, hopefully my final days, regret is there with me every step of the way. If only I had done this. If only I had said that. If only things would have happened this way or that way.
One of my recurring regrets is that she never got to see me at my best. Oh how I wish that she could see me now. Touch me. Hold me. […]

5/6/2015 3 comments

journey continues

by worthless_loser 73 4/30/2015

written by worthless_loser 73

Three times. Three failures. Twice. I will explain.
This is not only the third time I have raised a loaded gun to my head. It is also the third time in the last 3 weeks that I was ready only to back out.
First things first.
The first time, back in June 2012, it was purely impulsive. No plan, no thinking. I was faced with an impossible choice. Either give her up or give up everything else. This will be the common theme in my suicidal journey. Someone trying to take her away from me. Obviously I chose her.
The second time, January of this […]

4/30/2015 3 comments

i forgive you

by worthless_loser 73 4/26/2015

written by worthless_loser 73

I doubt that anyone I know in real life will ever think to look on this forum to find my posts. But if they do, I want them to know that I forgive them.

Mom and dad, you weren’t always right, but it wasn’t for a lack a of effort. You tried your best for me for almost 42 years. I appreciate it all. Thank you.

Brother, we didn’t always see eye to eye. We had disagreements, but I remember the good times we had. Take good care of your kids and yourself.

Sister, we were best friends growing up. You are still special to me. Thanks for […]

4/26/2015 3 comments

one last time

by worthless_loser 73 4/25/2015

written by worthless_loser 73

As I’m near the end for the third time in 2 1/2 weeks, my main wish is for success. I have read the statistics on suicide attempts over and over. I know the dangers of a failed attempt.

So my realistic, rational wish is to be able to do it right and not leave myself in even worse shape than I’m now. Because as much pain as I’m in now, it would be worse if I fail.

But regardless of that wish, I still have another wish that is not realistic. It’s actually quite irrational, as it is not possible and would never happen.

Those that have read […]

4/25/2015 10 comments

that one thing

by worthless_loser 73 4/23/2015

written by worthless_loser 73

I think most of us here have a lot in common. Details might be different from situation to situation, but at the core there are a lot of similarities.

Some here have a reason to live, and I think that is great. Some, like me, don’t. And that sucks.

But, for most of us in that second group, we have another thing in common. There is that one thing that could change that.

For me that one thing is quite simple. If only if she would just be my friend again. Not asking for anything more than that. Just friendship.

Even if the possibility of getting back together wouldn’t […]

4/23/2015 3 comments

still here

by worthless_loser 73 4/22/2015

written by worthless_loser 73

Just wanted to let anyone interested that I have decided to postpone my planned suicide attempt (I call them PSA) until another time, for now.

Nothing has changed, just decided it wasn’t the right time. I wish I had some good news to share, but I don’t.

I’m sure the next time will be soon enough. Until then I will be reading and commenting, hoping to maybe help someone out there that needs it.

4/22/2015 7 comments

it’s my party.

by worthless_loser 73 4/22/2015

written by worthless_loser 73

I remember that old song “it’s my party and I will cry if I want to.”

I kinda feel like that today. As my time comes to an end, I find myself doing a lot of things for the last time. It has a bittersweet quality to it.

My life before her was neither happy nor unhappy. I was just rolling along, existing the best could at any given point in time. Some ups, some downs, but mostly even keel.

Then she came to me and everything changed. Both for good and bad. But mostly good. I got to experience love and family. The two most important things […]

4/22/2015 5 comments

magic pill

by worthless_loser 73 4/21/2015

written by worthless_loser 73

I wish there was this magic pill out there. Actually, it really doesn’t even have to be a pill. It could be any form. Solution, injection, whatever.

This is how it would work: Once you take it, there is no turning back. No one and nothing can reverse it.

The first 15 minutes you are fine. Gives you time to write a last minute note, record a video, make a phone call, whatever it is you want to do.

At 15 minutes you rapidly start to feel sleepy. You have to lie down. Your speech becomes labored and slurred. Your thoughts are muddled.

At 30 minutes you are completely […]

4/21/2015 3 comments

for those who care and those who don’t

by worthless_loser 73 4/20/2015

written by worthless_loser 73

My parents weren’t perfect by any means. They made their fair share of mistakes raising me. But their intent was always good. They tried their best to help me all the way to the end.

I know that when I’m gone it will devastate them. They have been living in fear of this for the last several months. It hasn’t been easy for them. I regret putting them through this pain. But it wasn’t my choice.

My brother and sister live far away so I don’t see them very often anymore. They will be hurt, too, and so will their kids. No more uncle for them. I […]

4/20/2015 0 comment

she called me daddy

by worthless_loser 73 4/19/2015

written by worthless_loser 73

Those familiar with my posts know that my fiancée and her three kids abandoned me and erased me from their lives completely. And that was after 5 1/2 years of complete and utter devotion to them.

The oldest and youngest knew their biological fathers. The middle child did not know hers. I first met her when she was 7 years old. Her mom and I started our relationship when she was 9.

At first she didn’t know anything about it, but when she found out, she couldn’t have been happier. Even though her younger sister’s dad had adopted her when she was 6, she never felt like […]

4/19/2015 4 comments

one choice

by worthless_loser 73 4/18/2015

written by worthless_loser 73

Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I was given a choice: go back and make one change in the most critical moment, or just do nothing and be in the same position I am now?

For me that critical moment was actually a series of tiny interconnected moments. Our friendship escalated to flirtation. At first just innocent, then mischievous, then naughty, and in the end serious.

What if I could go to that exact moment when we decided to cross the line? Would I back out now, knowing what I know? Knowing that I have lost everything, including my will to live?

But if […]

4/18/2015 1 comment

I miss you my beautiful girl

by worthless_loser 73 4/15/2015

written by worthless_loser 73

I miss her so much it hurts. She was my everything. My reason to get up in the morning. My reason to want to be a better person. My reason to want to live.

Now that she has left me, there is a hole inside me. The hole is so big, I can’t function anymore. I can’t work. I can’t think straight. I can’t laugh or smile. I’m useless without her.

All I do every second of every day is think about her. I have daydreams of her texting me or calling me to say she still loves me and she made a mistake. I imagine our […]

4/15/2015 8 comments

no one else

by worthless_loser 73 4/12/2015

written by worthless_loser 73

I have lost the love of my life. The only woman I have ever truly loved and truly loved me. I waited 36 years for her to come into my life. She was my everything. Everything I ever wanted and needed.

I don’t understand why most people insist on telling me to “move on” and that “there are plenty of fish in the sea” and other cliché nonsense like this. I am aware of this. I know I could get someone else.

Why do people not understand that I don’t want to find anyone else? Who could ever compare to her? She was not perfect. No one […]

4/12/2015 11 comments

another day without her

by worthless_loser 73 4/11/2015

written by worthless_loser 73

I just can’t go on like this. Every breath hurts when I know I will never see her ever again. And yet every second of every day I long to be with her. Even if it is just one last time. I just want to see her beautiful face once again smile at me the way she used to when she loved me.

I know she doesn’t love me anymore. I cry for hours and hours every single day. I still love her with all my heart, no matter the pain she has caused me. She’s my entire life. Without her I have nothing left. My […]

4/11/2015 2 comments

still here, for now

by worthless_loser 73 4/10/2015

written by worthless_loser 73

I thought last night would be the end, but I still find myself here. I’m so tired of feeling this way but I can’t change it. I still love her every second of every day. Without her there is no point to life. It hurts to breathe knowing I will never see her again. At the same time I can’t get over her leaving me and treating me like I’m nonexistant. She erased me like our 5 1/2 years together didn’t even happen. Or mean anything at all. And her kids did the same. Yet despite all that, I still love them and long to […]

4/10/2015 4 comments

Can’t let go.

by worthless_loser 73 4/8/2015

written by worthless_loser 73

New to this forum. I just want to share my story as honestly as possible. It will be long so I apologize for that. I hope you read on.

It all started about 6 years ago. At that point in my life I had finally carved out an existence that was neither happy nor unhappy overall. I had a good job with very good prospects, as I was a co-owner. I owned a house, a car and had money in the bank. I had a fairly large group of friends. I was OK with my life, even though I was not truly happy.

Then out of the […]

4/8/2015 8 comments