General

I need to make the pain stop. But I’m not prepared to do the one thing that’s likely to end it. So I’m forcing myself to remain here. I’m choosing to continue this misery. I’m doing this to myself.

And tomorrow, maybe I’ll try to do something to make it all a little less painful. But right now, all I want is an escape. An off switch, a distraction, anything that allows me to forget my reality.

I’m all alone. No one really knows me, because I can’t allow anyone to see what I am. But that’s probably part of why I post here. Because when you […]

Some days I just want to start over. Or turn back the clock. But I can’t. It would be grand if I could end it and start again but better.

HDS

1. Where is the love? Do you have it in you, in your relationships? What about the people around you?
2. Are you feeling lonely?
3. Why can’t we fly like birds or cure every disease

Essentially that’s all this is, which I think is why I don’t utilize this place as much as I once did. Sorry in advance.

I’m quitting my job, Friday being my last day. Me? Lazy, not committed to anything, slow and too okay with being burdensome, quitting? Who would’ve guessed, huh? I really just can’t handle the intensity of the place. I like the residents, I like helping, but I’m not capable of doing what they seem to want me to be able to do. 4 or 5 12 hour shifts make me want to die. A big portion of the people I do work with […]

https://youtu.be/4PAUNBTaZK8?si=LgP-dOXJjDOq09NA

Ran into this on my regular rounds on true crime and was dissappointed in the channel owner, and everyone involved really… What happened was that this mobile home park specialized in taking in people with sex offenses. I have special empathy for these folks, worked with them for two years. Everyone treats them like dirt. It’s incredibly hard for them to find someplace to live.

It doesn’t matter really the severity of your sex offense, everyone treats you the same. A rapist is treated the same as someone caught with their pants down, no kidding. Anyway I only worked with the habitual predators, because they […]

Thought I’d share some of what helps, maybe it’ll help some of you guys too

I don’t want a pickle, I just wanna ride on my motor cycle

and I don’t wanna die, I just wanna ride on my motory cy-cle

so maybe that’s what I need, a motor cyle, ya’ll never thought of that, did ya?! humor is a big defense mechanism for me.

Throw my brain in a hurricane, and the blind can have my eyes, and the deaf can have both my ears if they don’t mind the size.

Notice the pattern yet? Yeah, morbid humor.

I thought I’d include some decent Jazz, because you can’t go too […]

My brother and his wife are having a baby. And I think that, in itself, sort of closes the window for suicide for me. Pretty decisively, Im not going to do it now. Even in the worst of cases. I want my niece or nephew to grow up happy, and to have a fantastic life. Suicide has bad ripple effects on people, and I cant bring myself to destroy the optimal conditions this child would have for a good life. I dont want to be the person that destroys or corrupts a new life. They do not deserve that. None of us do. I wont […]

I feel like I’m trapped on an island.

I’m waiting on a company to contact me with further instructions after I was hired by them. I was asked to take a drug test, authorize a background check, and get a physical examination.

I know I passed the drug test because I don’t do drugs and haven’t drank in months, I definitely passed the physical examination but it’s the background check that’s worrying me.

I have 2 DUI’s that I didn’t mention during the interview, hoping that the company wouldn’t find out. I don’t believe my DUI’s define me but my opinion is just that, my opinion.

The […]

So… assuming the “self” is a mental construct, in which disparate and conflicting emotional currents are tied together by a chain of memories into something that feels vaguely coherent… what “should” one do?

I mean, if I know that parts of me want to do terrible things, and other parts want to do selfish but basically normal things, and still other parts want to refrain from doing anything immoral and act honourably, and some parts just want to end everything… and I know that whatever I choose, there will never be peace in my mind… what do I do with that realisation?

Does it matter? Does it […]

I pulled into the petrol station circa 9am. There was a female junkie, quite animated, knocking on car windows. She went to knock on my window, ” watch the car” I said, getting out of the car She launched into a cock and bull story ” will you use my phone to call this…’.      “Too complicated, no time” I said walking into the petrol station. I came back out and she started again   ” I need 5.80 to get to Kildare, gimme 5.80″ she said. ” No time, maybe go in and ask the Indians in the petrol station” I said whilst pulling […]

I seemed to have missed that memo…

I just don’t see how “wonderful” life is. -_-

Trying to just move into a 1 bedroom next week.

I’m tired of trying to explain myself when it comes to how I’ll make payments and the like…

Everybody is saying to stay the course another year and get it together, stay with your brother. I’m fed up, not with my brother, fed up that this is the best I’ve been financially so far. I’m not saving much money, I’m trying to get some better certifications and move up at work… It just seems like despite what I’ve done to get to this point, it’s just not enough. Nothing seems to prove that […]

Last I was here, I was actively suicidal and giving into despair. I still believe my life will end by my own doing. However, there will be no more giving into despair. I know I haven’t been a good person, even though I’ve tried. I was born very flawed, excessively so compared with the population. I never wanted to be as messed up as I was. I was never malicious or intent on sowing destruction. In fact, there’s very much love in my heart. I just never learned how to let it flow out of me. I know how to let it flow now, by […]

So I broke down and called the hotline last night, there’s a pain threshold where I have to because it’s that or start screaming. I’m being melodramatic, but only by a little. Passive suicidality, but it’s pervasive and it’s been going for a few days. I just don’t want to wake up, or go to sleep, any activity that involves living grinds against me and I have to force it.

It was this dumb job that messaged me back. They wanted me to use my old truck and my truck isn’t up to it, I think I’ve already talked about that. I wrote them a cover […]

I’m tired of life again

I really need to get a handle of my drinking. Yesterday I bought a bottle of rum on my way home from work. This morning Ive woken up with the worst headache. My wife is understandably angry at me. Ive drunk texted my boss and dont remember it (thank goodness I said nothing too crazy and sound normal). Just shame, guilt, anxiety, and body aches. I drink to feel better…but I dont, lol. I need to stop.

Pretty much the title. T minus 3 weeks out from my presentation. Still need to formally schedule the stupid thing. Been putting it off like I always do. Got no more steam for this project. I’ve always hated the design and never thought it would work. Always kinda phoned it in on that aspect. Getting through the last tests painfully slow. Motors keep burning out and I’m hemorrhaging money cause of it. Every time I turn that stupid fucking thing on, I immediately want to turn it off. This degree is going to be […]

Ren and stimpy will always be part of mine

My parents were so afraid of bad influences, but for some reason they never stopped me from watching this show which definitely warped my attitude towards the world forever, made ma sarcastic cuss who didn’t trust anyone I met

And we will probably go to hell, and that is our great reward…..

I mean this ran in the afternoon on children’s programming, I have no idea how they got away with it

Then there was the thinly disquised episode about anti depressants, where Stimpy put a machine on Ren that forced him to be happy, and Ren hated it, resulting […]

Hey, sorry I need to rant because I have no one else to talk to.
So obviously I’m unfortunately still here, but hell I shouldn’t be if I wasn’t such a coward!
I know I have a relatively quiet life so I should be so happy even if it’s so lonely.
I’m still working in retail and realistically I won’t change it, I’m so dreadful of changes I’m getting meltdowns whenever something big changing in my life and I don’t know why!
So basically I see my options as just be a cashier for 40+ years (I’m 26) which causes me a lots […]