General

I can’t believe, last time i posted here was in 2022. Things have changed and actually many many things have changed. I went to college by the end of 2022, it wasn’t what i wanted to do, dated a narcissistic, attempted on my first year, stuffed myself with pills thinking i will escape the great depression. Then i didn’t go, i started accepting how my life was going, i took a break from my boyfriend, met new people and started enjoying life. I experienced many great things after that and i was at the happiest years of my life. Then i graduated and the graduation […]

Just let me see you again…and again, and again, I will fly 11000 kilometers back home and you’ll know about it all. put you rage on me, put your lips on me, put your hands on wherever you want to pinch or choke and you’ll know. Go anywhere, see anyone, be as free as you want, I’ll never blame you, how could I? I told you, I want you to have the kind of love I could never receive, and for its existence I am happy. I melt at the thought of you yet I can’t say a single gentle word, yet I laugh at […]

I went to cidercade for my birthday today. My birthday isn’t for another two days, but I’ll be working and having a dentist appointment that day. It was just me. It’s always just me. I went to get a burger at a place nearby. Ordered too many cheese fries and took some home. Will probably just end up throwing them away. There goes 10 bucks. Then I headed over to cidercade. Was there for a little under 2 hours maybe. Did the usual. Played Galaga first. Guitar hero, racing games, pinball, CvS2. […]

24 Weeks left. I finished my training now. They are putting me on actually shifts. No more 9 – 5. Now I get 12 hour shifts starting at 4 in the morning. Wonderful. Shadowing the other technicians wasn’t so bad. It was mainly replacing the bands on conveyor belts. Except for that 3 hour stint of them trying to cut off a section of a belt and stitching it together. I loved just staring at them trying to align the clips for like an hour. Still I’m sure I’ll find a way to fuck it […]

I don’t get people

Not much to say. I by some miracle made it through the first semester. Online English class went from 18 to 73%, the others just low-mid eighties. Nothing great, but it’s done. Didn’t deserve to pass the online class due to procrastinating as hard as I did and using too much “help” from ai tools that somehow wasn’t caught or wasn’t significant enough to be caught. As for everything else, nothing I created was wow worthy. Wasn’t anything. Not the ideas or the execution. Being around actually talented and skilled people, creative people, make me wonder what the hell I’m doing there. I’m not looking […]

Hey SP. I’ve been on this site for the worst part of the last 9 years. Does it get better? Have I had good moments? Yeah, I’ve had great moments. But the lows are so low, I’ll admit, it’s hard to stay positive sometimes. I lost my dad a month ago… and took less than a week off of school for it… I’m not okay. My dad and I had a complicated relationship, but beyond it all, we were very close. I’m having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel here. Is there even a light? Who knows. I’m grasping […]

They finally seem to got their shit together. I was given all my training modules after asking and asking. They’re heartbreakingly boring and I can feel my brain leaking out of my ears. Just 8 straight hours a day of reading power points and watching videos. Towards the end I just started skipping to the end test cause I couldn’t be fucking bothered. All of which contain questions that are either common sense, super obvious, or super specific measurements for an equipment part. That will bite me in the ass. I still have like 10 more modules […]

I might soon get fired over a stupid legality. Which is totally fine by me. I’ll let it escalate and act confrontational because I’m all set for a year ending self-destructive spree. Being on payroll is too much of an incentive to put off killing myself for a rainy day that never comes.

I did the thing I said I’d do once I moved out. I singed up for a dating app. I hated every minute of it. I don’t talk to people. I like being by myself. Sort of. I do feel lonely, bit I’ve kinda gotten used to it. Just avoid people and you don’t feel like that.

The process was confusing and painful. It don’t like taking pictures. I don’t even like looking in the mirror. But I needed pics. I don’t like talking about myself, but I needed something to put on there. […]

How to, how do you make peace with life?

what are you supposed to do when you know that death is your only option?

i feel the answer is obvious, yet something inside me refuses to believe it. i know that its mainly fear, of the action and of the unknowable consequences. i think i care too much. a lot of times, i wish that i could care less so that it may be easier to go through with it.
i believe i genuinely have nothing going for me. i am an academic failure. i lose jobs after half a year maximum. i now feel like i cant commit to finding a new […]

I’m exhausted. I’m always hurting. I dont think I can do this much longer.

This world is too serious for me

The title. I finished watching the training videos yesterday. The only way I can continue is to get an email for more training. My email isn’t set up. The only one who can set it up is my manager. But my manager isn’t the section manager. It isn’t the department manager. It is the regional manager. For some reason. Someone who isn’t even working at our plant. The other managers contacted him to set up a ticket which he did. And they sent in their own ticket. It still isn’t done. I’m […]

How to accept loneliness and boredom as normal

Day 2 is done. I’ve only had this job two days and both felt like a thousand years. To be fair it’s because I’ve done nothing but watch training videos. Stuff I really should retain, but I can’t be bothered to memorize all the different labels and permits and procedures. We don’t have a roof crane. Why do I need to know how to operate a roof crane? But it’s my job to know these things. In order to excel at my job I need to memorize how to lock out a conveyor belt and the safety measures […]

I think I’m destined for abuse and to be hurt by others. My parents made sure how much they hated me and wanted me to fail. When they kicked me out, I thought my friend – turned boyfriend – would lead me to a softer life. I guess it was the naive of youth that would think a 21 year old man I met on the internet would genuinely love me. After the teenage pregnancies and subsequent abortions and supporting him financially for years, I decided to return to education. I discovered how twisted he is compared to the people on campus. Maybe I always […]

Do you have a diagnosis? If so, what is it/are they?

It’s sad when I let myself think about it. I know it’s my fault. People leave me a lot, some in kinder ways than others. Friends that just started ignoring me, my best friend of four years who spilled part of a really important secret that I would have killed myself over had I not been able to convince my parents otherwise. But I push people away too. Honestly, it’s probably better for them that way. I don’t want to be more of a burden, and I always seem to end up hurting people. I know I don’t deserve friends, but it still hurts. I […]