General

I have an overall plan.

Things overall are better, probably doing the best I’ve ever done monetarily, which helps, but I have a ways to go.

I tried to stop playing video games, that did not last. However, I’m finding I’m not enjoying them like I used to. I react to them and certain other things, but at some point I just feel a bit indifferent, like I’m playing some of them out of obligation.

I don’t care for wrestling either, one of the things I enjoyed since I was a child. Haven’t watched any of it in over a year now. I keep up with storylines here […]

When I was 13 I was sleeping over one night at a friend of a friend’s house. I took one look at the mother and fancied her. She was of a slim figure, good genetics, hair tied back in a ponytail and wearing stilettos, the stilettos would feature prominently later on. The friend of a friend had a brother who was a bit older than us about 17. The hot mother came into were we were and said “Don’t make too much noise, don’t wake up the baby, if you wake up the baby….” This was a threat, I knew from my own mother who […]

DISCLAIMER: Sensitive material ahead! Please do not read if you would find it triggering to read about darker urges, including but not limited to sexual content or violence. Read at your own discretion only.

– ——————

So, one of the things I see a therapist for are paraphilias. You see, I once traveled to Kentucky so I could attend something called Scarefest. Various actors and actress from horror movies were there, and you could pay to meet them and get your picture taken. When I attended, the biggest actors were Matthew Lillard and Skeet Ulrich from the original Scream movie from the 90’s. There were all kinds […]

After decades of being screwed in life, and especially by shitty people, I now HATE 90% of all humans. Well, mainly all the people I’ve encountered and interacted with IRL.

BUT- random strangers like annoying fucking kids screaming or running wild all over the place also annoy TF out of me, and ESPECIALLY the shitty parents who don’t give AF.

I get easily annoyed by random strangers like above, or ppl yapping loudly on their phone while on the bus/train and you can’t escape it.

The whole world annoys TF out of me. I wonder what % of ppl are like me, like this? […]

Just 10 days left to 2024. To think I truly believed this was the year I’d finally be set free.

Well I fucked up. Last night I got black out drunk like I said I would. I’m waiting on parts that will be delivered by the end of the day so last night was the time to do so. Honestly it wasn’t as much as last time, but there was vomit in my vomit bag I don’t remember throwing up and I woke up in the bath tub with the shower running at 5 in the morning. I vaguely remember getting in there but not falling asleep. Not the point. I fucked up. I spilled my guts to […]

I need the opinions of the SP community!

There are 2 rules on SP: No methods, No hate. This means, inherently, for now, there are no rules against speaking about “taboo” topics and struggles.

My belief is that stigmatizing certain struggles makes them that much more difficult to address. Someone who would benefit from talking about uncommon behaviors, for example, loses that benefit the moment others deem it taboo or unfit for discussion.

I am someone who struggles with difficult sicknesses, two of which are particularly sensitive. Some of you have expressed that you also experience such struggles.

As long as a Sensitivity Warning is given at the beginning […]

I literally just got out of the psych hospital last week. And the WHOLE time I was there, I got told “but you look SO HAPPY!” by a million and one fucking morons, like psych doctors, whose literal JOB is to help those who are depressed and suicidal . Despite the fact that I told them I’m depressed AF and tried to get to the roof to jump off. Aaaand NO ONE fucking believed me. Cuz “I look SO happy.”

Yes, fellow SPers, you’ve all read my posts the past year. You all know just how fucking “HAPPY” I am. -_-

These […]

for OTHERS. But not for any of us here on SP. Nope, we are the “lucky” bunch to be afflicted with severe depression. Aren’t we so “lucky?”

Sinner, just in case you might want to skip this one. Up to you.

Don’t feel like bitching about my robot again. Done it too much already. Rather I would like to talk about my therapy session yesterday. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m able to talk to him fairly normally. Still hold back a little bit, but for the most part he’s aware of most everything. He texted me passages from a medical book he was reading that reminded him of my situation. It’s a bit of an outdated term than how they use it […]

Getting older, the older I get the more I value dirt over things best left dead.

Oh boy Judd, don’t I know it. I don’t know why I did or do anything anymore. There was some movie theory about Judd in Pet Semetary; was he evil in himself or was he being manipulated by the evil in the Mic Mac burial ground? Apparently the book was one of the few that actually scared Steven King himself, which is very special.

Anyway, sometimes dead is better is one of my life philosophies. Eternal truths, to be written into stone […]

“Since the events that has transpired, there has been no reconciliation, leaving the matter unresolved. The lack of clarity and understanding has reached a point where I feel compelled to take control.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve reflected and prayed on what happened. It was unfair to be placed in a position of responsibility that wasn’t mine, and I was deeply hurt by this, which compromised my sense of integrity. The emotional pain I’ve endured—betrayal, anger, resentment, and heartbreak—has been intense.

After much reflection and prayer, I’ve found the strength to forgive you. However, for the sake of my healing, peace of […]

Tried looking for help on a forum more focused on my specific issues. Was actually fully honest and open for once. Went pretty much as I’d expected. My post was taken down almost instantly. Some things you just can’t talk about, even to those who might understand. The only interaction I got was from a mod. They were respectful, but all they had to say was basically “You need to fix yourself before involving yourself with others. Fix your desire to do unacceptable things.”

And that’s pretty much all anyone ever has to say. And the question I always have is “How do you stop wanting […]

Pretty self-explanatory. I just can’t. Even earlier today, when I had helped work outside, and then had to take a shower, and then had to get ready to go to a thing. It took nearly everything out of me. I’m glad I went to the thing – someone I care about was there and I’d like to at least hope she was glad I was there. But… it was just so much.

Getting out of bed, and getting out of this room, has only been getting harder. So, other tasks are even worse. Even the most basic cleanliness is just… so hard for me. Being around […]

It’s not by accident that I don’t have good words for where I am. Despite a lifetime of trying to become a better communicator, some things defy communication. Which was the central thesis of HP Lovecraft. Actually his was more that some things defy comprehension, but that’s pretty close philosophically.

I’m falling ever deeper into anhedonia, where nothing feels of any significance or satisfaction. It’s the ADHD, mostly. Depression does it also. I have trouble engaging with materials, like books or games I might play. Food I might eat, that’s a struggle. Projects I need to accomplish, very little luck on that front some days.

It’s just […]

I remember a time that I hung myself and woke up on the floor with a dog leash around my neck.

There was a specific point, in trying to end myself, that I knew I could still save myself. Choosing not to pull myself up and release myself took a lot of courage that I haven’t had since.

Since then, I tried putting a handgun to my head but couldn’t find the strength to pull the trigger. It was found in my nightstand while I was away from home, by someone who cares about me. What a joke.

I need […]

I have an ability. I remember people’s zodiac signs if I read it or hear it once. I know heartless viking is an aquarius, eternal darkness is a taurus, plainwhite is a virgo but not so sure, Never Was is a cancer, Once, an older member is an aquarius, a guy with a username something like a1957 is a virgo, Wasp a woman from Australia is a gemini, J Doe is a Sagittarius. And I also remember signs of some older members that are not active. I don’t know everybody’s sign because some never told it.

I haven’t been on here in a while and I want to believe that I had been generally doing well during that time. Recently, I have been thinking about cutting again. I haven’t cut for at least six months but it’s been heavy on my mind the past few months since I haven’t been talking to one of my only friends and bad things just keep happening in general.

Today I found out I failed my final for a class I’m retaking. It was the third final in a row I had and I pulled my third all nighter. This class has already set me back […]

I have to learn to shut my fucking mouth. 2 days. Maybe a little over 48 hours. I said that I felt “genuinely happy” for the first time in a long time. Well that lasted around a day and a half maybe. Stupid miserable piece of shit robot refuses to fucking work. Like it’s doing it out of spite. It works. It works for one test. I do absolutely nothing to it beyond maybe moving it around a little, gone. Won’t fucking move. In the most hilarious way, God manages to fuck me again. […]

I’ve been living with a tendency toward suicide for about 2 decades. From a young age, what ought to have been teenage angst has turned into a lifelong struggle for sanity. Last saturday, I finally suffered a psychological break. This makes me realize how sane I have been all along. It’s caused me to dive deep into exploring my propensity for the morbid act of suicide.

In times that I’m trying to build on my life, trying to ignore my struggles and everything that stands in my way, I’m quite optimistic. In those times, I believe there is some grand purpose to it […]