General

I got sloppy. After I cut, I put the knife in the closet to dry (too much of a risk to leave my room to clean it), then put it back safe where I’ve hidden it. But I forgot it. And this time, my dear mother found it while poking around my room for the fifteen millionth time. Now my parents are demanding to see my arms, which I can’t do, and I’m fairly certain this is going to end in an involuntary hospitalization and a suicide. What wonderful situations I find myself in…

Whelps, there’s no water currently where I’m at. Toilet doesn’t work either. Yet another reason to hate this place.

Update- so water is back. Thankfully it didn’t last that long this time. I’ve had my water, toilet, and shower be out for days to over a week.

What do you think about these thoughts: I will achieve mostly nothing in life therefore life is not worth living.

February is almost here. That means I’m almost 1/3 of the way done. Or at least I hope I am. I’m setting myself up for the biggest god damn punchline if I can’t find a job before June. I can’t go back to being jobless, so I’ll have to accept a permanent position. A bullet to the brain would be a better solution honestly. I’ve spent the last 4 weeks non stop applying for jobs. Today was the first day in weeks where I didn’t either look for one or apply. I’ve only heard back from a […]

The 7th year anniversary of the day I committed my crimes recently passed, so I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately. I did kind of a stupid thing and read the news stories that they wrote about it. Its funny how people remember the same event differently.

Here’s what happened: One night, I was suicidal and homicidal at the same time. Was drinking and abusing  Adderall simultaneously. Didn’t sleep at all that night. And somewhere along the line, I decided to kill myself. But I was angry at some classmates for calling me a ****** all the time and antagonizing me to no end (me […]

there really is always something going wrong. I’m just tired of dealing with every new thing that hits me in the face. I’m tired of dealing with the people who tore me apart with smiles on their faces. I’m just so tired

What does one do at that point? I see no joy in living. The bacterial infection from 2.5 years ago has destroyed my legs (as well as other body parts) and I was already disabled to begin with. But at least I was more mobile before. I was sick and disabled but not THIS sick and this disabled. I can still walk but my legs are not in great condition. I can’t walk very well. Hell, I have trouble even bending my legs.

There is no time machine for me to go back and never have come here to thus state, to this shitty […]

I came across this video last week. What he says is very true:
“Everyone WANTS friends, but no one wants to BE a friend.”

Friendship Isn’t Fun Anymore… It’s Exhausting:

10 more weeks then I’ll have less than 10 weeks. Overall I’m getting used to it. Which is not something I’m exactly happy about. Still looking for a job. Still not having any luck. I’ve been trying harder than when I was looking a few months ago. No motivation like dread. Haven’t gotten a call back for an interview yet though. Only been three weeks, so I guess that’s normal. From what I remember it took a few weeks when I started looking for a job and then they kinda came flooding in before they died […]

What do you do?

I feel like there isn’t anything that actually helps. I’m sure there’s some good therapists somewhere. But good luck finding the 5% that’s actually helpful. No suicide line or warm line or hospital or mental health clinic does any jack all good. Neither do pills as all they do is numb you to your pain and shitty life.

No friends want to hear you or listen to you. “Friends” are only friends when they want something FROM you. But no one wants to BE a good friend.

I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, weed. Nor do I want to start. But […]

Today i really want to relapse. That all that’s the post. No heartfelt words. No tears. No trauma dumping. I just want to relapse.

Life sure loves reminding me that I’m useless

I wish I would/ could have left when I was 18 and never meet them again. I’m a weak guy. I wish I was independent from very young .

So I went to see my regular doctor for the first time in a few years, and that wasn’t fun. Which is why I don’t like to do it. I have to go again next month. At least it’s free. They also aren’t giving me any medications, so that’s an upshot too. They’re just poking me and this time they took blood, and that sucks.

This next visit on Friday shouldn’t be nearly as much of a pain. I’m just going to get my medications checked up on. They decide if they want to change anything. I’m hoping they keep things the same, because I take […]

And this is why I have never attempted.

*If you are squeamish, do NOT watch this video*
*Video From Inside Edition:

There was also this lady IRL who I’d see all the time taking the same bus I do in downtown where I used to live. Her face was all blown off too. She had aimed the barrel into her mouth. She apparently attempted and survived, and now her face, and i’m assuming her throat, trachea, mouth etc all messed up.

I’ve known many people who have attempted. All of them lived. The ONLY person that succeeded was a friend of […]

In a way, I’m looking down on him by pitying him. I don’t want to do that, but man do I feel fucking bad for him. The other guy I work with on my shifts is pretty good. Can’t understand a damn thing he says half the time cause of his accent, but he’s pretty cool. I don’t know how long he’s been a technician, but he’s a tech 3 meaning he’s a senior level position so he’s been at this a while. He mentioned he was working at another warehouse before this one. That place actually had robot […]

What words would you use to describe life?

Miserable? Or wonderous?
Out of reach or full of possibilities?
Unfair and unjust? Or is it fair enough?
Cruel or “it’s just the way it is”?
Do you fight it or just accept it?

What other words would you use?

Do you feel alone in this world?
Misunderstood?
Uncared for?
An outcast?