General

am i six years and two months past my expiration date?

ive contemplated the above question thousands of times over these past six years, never really found an answer, or maybe the answer was dependent on my mood at that instant. still, pretty inconclusive.

i wonder if i can continue running for much longer now. my knees hurt, i’m out of breath, my vision’s becoming blurry.

it is quite funny, if i’m being honest. i had convinced every iota of my existence that no matter what happened, i could always just run away from things and escape them, all by myself. i guess i wasn’t thinking about getting […]

Well, it’s been a while. My parents found my journal that I’ve kept for the past three years. I would have rather been beaten to death and burned alive than ever have them get their hands on it. I was afraid. And honestly, I was right to be. They took 148 photos of the contents and shared them with everyone they could think of. Even my little sister’s best friend’s parents. They sent me to another hospital. But everything’s just gotten worse. More insults, yelling, my mother genuinely asked me what they had ever done to make me think they were bad parents. They trashed […]

So there was this annoying as hell fly buzzing around my room. I’ve had a lot of fly and gnat problems lately. Room’s so gross that I guess it makes sense, but I’ve never lived at a place where it was this bad. I think it’s also cause I’m in the boonies. Anyways it was buzzing around and eventually I found it tapping against the window. It kept trying to go outside. I thought about squishing it, but I just watched it tap tap tap against the window. I thought about how God is probably just watching us […]

Yet another “truth” we’ve been taught since elementary school is a lie. This post isn’t about Helen Keller specifically, but more about yet ANOTHER thing we found out that was completely fake and we were lied to since little kids.

At this point, the better question is, exactly what have they NOT lied to us about?

——-

With regards to Helen Keller, the fraud is coming from her handlers, not the poor girl herself as she likely had zero free agency.

Also, with such a sketchy story, even at the time when she was alive, why were we all taught in school that this was […]

Wow, imagine having such a good and boring life that THIS is your complaint? (this was in reference to an in-game ad). I wish I had this kind of bland, non-bad life where I have no real complaints except for non-issues like this. And I’m a girl btw. And yes, she is getting eviscerated in the comments.

I remember thinking how excited I’d feel when I reach that 10 week mark. That final 10 countdown. Now I kinda just feel nothing. Maybe despair a bit, but at this moment in time nothing. I still haven’t bought a gun yet. Don’t know if I will, but I know that’s the most important step. Things are going well now, but they’ll go bad again eventually. And then good again. And then bad again. This cycle is pointless if I can’t achieve my purpose, and I already know I’m incapable of it. So if I […]

Sometimes I wonder how much of it is a “me” issue vs a “thing” with generation/gender/race/age/geographic location/etc.

If you cease to exist, would anybody care?

You you cease to exist, would the world care? Or even notice?

Does your existence impact the world in any significant way?

What is the value of your life?

One of the MAIN reasons for me being suicidal is that this world is SO corrupt and so FULL of evil ass people. I don’t just mean just evil people like murderers and rapists or like Epstein level. I don’t mean just the evil people in politics either. I don’t just mean the rich elites that control our lives in almost every way possible.

There are tons of shitty people we see and meet IRL too. We can’t escape shitty, greedy, evil, selfish, manipulative horrible ppl.

Like for example- shitty nurses that are supposed to take care of you in the hospital but […]

Heard a little about it when it happened, but everyone moved on, didn’t question jack shit. This showed up on my feed so I guess a FEW ppl are talking about her suspicious death again- which the public SHOULD be doing.

In light of the Epstein files, in light of all the blood drinking, baby eating, rape of little girls, and in light of just how horrible Ellen is- which took WAY too long to come out btw- is Anne’s death NOT suspicious AF?

You can CLEARLY see her sit up and try to get out of the body bag.
1- Why would the […]

i don’t know what to talk about. i think lately i’ve been going through the motions a bit, both at work and just at home honestly. i guess there’s a limit to how much i can ignore an issue? at least that’s what it seems like. that person from before still texts me, and i don’t know what to do. i really don’t think they understand, honestly.
but anyway, i don’t want to sound like a broken record, always talking about the same things. it’s just a bit hard to deal with, i guess. i’m trying to get past it, but i just can’t pull […]

I’m so tired and burnt out, I’m just laying in bed.

That was the bulk of my weekend, last weekend, only really getting up to get food since my fridge is empty.

Been slacking on working out because of class.

The person I really care about is halfway around the world and busy. I’d like to talk to her more but she’s with family and on a completely different time schedule. Not much I can do there expect not bother her too and check with her when she’s available.

Idk man. Maybe I’m just not able to function as a human being, because I feel like it’s a lot […]

Does one have to be delusional in order accomplish big goals? Does one have to be delusional in order to succeed in life? And not be mediocre?

Call it confidence, call it over-confidence, call it having ideas of grandeur or being delusional- what have you.

What if we can’t accomplish thing great unless we believe we will?

I hate toxic positivity more than anyone, but… is there SOME truth in “what you believe is what you get?” Or rather what believe wholeheartedly is the MAX that you can achieve?

Say for example say you think the best you can do in life is grind out […]

I truly wish to know just how many people are depressed / unhappy with life / have no zest for life / have long-lasting childhood issues / have serious relationship issues / have horrible family / unhappy at job, lack money, have serious health issues / have no purpose / etc.

Like how many people are truly unhappy with life?
vs. how many ppl are actually happy or satisfied with life?

Basically, how fucked up are we? How many ppl are putting up a happy/everything is great front vs how many are fucked up just like us?

I mean, I guess everything is on a […]

1-GRWM Videos- why are there so many damn annoying ass YouTubers filming themselves talking about a non-beauty topic while putting on their makeup? I get if they’re talking about makeup or fashion or celebrities or whatever fluff, but I’m seeing fucktons of these annoying ass YouTubers putting on their makeup while taking about completely unrelated topics, even topics as serious as serial killers. Like does it even make sense? They’re talking about the life of serial killers and how they killed their victims, and they’re doing it while filming themselves putting on makeup. Like who’s the crazy one? The serial […]

A couple years ago I created a sort of prototype invention. I made 1000 of them and sold them for $10 bucks each, just enough to cover the cost of production and the year of work that went into making it. No profits, by design, I just wanted to gauge whether my ideas had any “value” in the human world.

Anyway that whole thing was soon forgotten and I moved on to bigger, better and more catastrophic projects, stuff that I never sprung on the world because it was never perfect. I lost touch with any sense of “value” I had in the world, aside from […]

Atheist: “God does not exist”
Misotheist: “God is an a-hole”
Deist: “God is either imperfect, unaware, unfeeling, or in a state of decay”
Agnostic: “Idk”

If any of the above describes your attitude toward the universe, or whatever mechanism controls it–in other words, if you don’t believe in an omniscient, omnipotent, benevolent and perfect being who’s in charge of things–what keeps you going?

It feels more like I’m counting down to an execution than to freedom like it originally was. I could set that as the time limit before I try to kill myself, but every time I set a time limit I never end up following it. Something’s just got to give and for as long as I’ve tried I’ve never cracked the code on what that is.

Family left today. Bought me breakfast and we said our good byes. Was able to skip buying half a weeks groceries since we went out to eat so much. I’d say that’s great […]