General

Still writing these from the hospital.    Part of me wants to be humourous and say Psych Ward, Loony Bin, Funny Farm,  or some other slang for mental health facility but I use humour as a defense and maybe it is time to let all those defenses down for the moment.

I had a consult with a facility that specializes in treating depressive disorders like I have.    The Caseworker from this hospital had gotten this started and had even found out a bed was available.  She had done good work getting it that far.

Well, 5 minutes into the consult they told me because I have a bad foot and have to walk with a cane that they cannot accept me.   Their words were “We cannot accept that risk” so I am back to square 1.   I am here at this hospital still which one way is a good thing.   If I were home I would either be in the process of doing what I had planned or I would have done it already.   I have done my homework on that front an and I so I would have finished what I I am still thinking is a good thing for me.

Well,  tomorrow back to square 1 for treatment.   If I continue to feel like am playing against a stacked deck trying to at least do something about this then I know what the good thing has to be.

As always I welcome feedback, comments, rebuffs, and other messages

So I emailed them yesterday “im out of meds tomorrow”. So I called them this morning. “yep I got your email I’ll fax that out just call the pharmacy tomorrow.”

No you’re not understanding in OUT TODAY!!!!! I don’t have any meds left!!! So help me God if the voices come back I am raising all holy hell!!!!

(deep breath) I just got off the phone with the pharmacist. “I can refill it for you.” for an additional fee. However they also informed me that this medication should stay in my system for 3 days so deep breath I should be fine. I’m calling back tomorrow to see if the fax came in and if it did awesome. It’s only 1 med I’ll be missing. I can start again tomorrow afternoon. One way or another. If the fax doesn’t come in I’m taking the nuclear option and paying the additional fee. Those voices ARE NOT returning

Steps:

1.  try to be brave and if you try you will be brave!
2. chase your dreams! quit your old job and find one that you will love
3. don’t use things you don’t need. lowering the bills will lower stress
4. find happiness in your children. your children will be your legacy, so find happiness in them
5. be successful. many steps and much work you go through. but once your successful you will have a happy life

just found out my babushka (grandma) has cancer.

its absolutely ruining me and i don’t have anyone to cry to about it. she’s in hospital currently and I’m sitting at her dining table with her cat, i haven’t drank alone in a long time and i hate that this is the reason i am. I’m crying so much i feel like I’m gonna throw up. she was already in hospital for an infection and needing extra care, she wasn’t able to look after herself or even walk; now that we know about the cancer i can’t see her getting any better. i was already worried about her health but cancer makes it so so so much worse. she has been sick for a while now but I’m not ready to lose her.

after my parents divorced in 2016 my dad hasn’t dated since, recently he’s been seeing someone new and they officially started dating yesterday. she was there when he told us about the cancer, i understand he needed the support but i barely know her and i found it so uncomfortable she was there. i needed to cry but i just couldn’t in front of her. maybe its wrong of me but i don’t think she should have been there, it isn’t her family.

I’m not well enough to handle this, i dont know what to do

? ????? ??? ??????? (i love you babuhska)

Why the fuck after so many years do I still end up coming back here to post about how shitty I feel. Why can’t I just be better? Why can’t this have never happened to me?

The last eight years of my life have been so fucking meaningless. A waste of fucking time. Even now I am wasting time, nothing accomplished and nothing to look forward to. Fuck this.

I almost opened up to my older sister today on how I’ve been feeling, but didn’t. We were in the car getting food and I kept thinking to myself about how I was going to tell her everything when we got home. I kept imagining on what I was going to start off by saying and had to hold my tears in because it’s hard for me to open up to people when I don’t understand why I feel this way myself. I’m not going to let this make me feel worse about myself though because this was a start. Progress. Maybe I’ll tell her tomorrow or the next day or next week. I don’t know, but I’m getting there.

Well,  it is Sunday and things suck.   I know I came here to get a pause on my plan to disappear.  Well I have that and have been very honest with the staff here with my feelings, plan and all that is going on..  I was hoping that that would give me some sort of hope so I can extend that pause or better yet turn it off completely.

Well, it hasnt.    I am now in a closely monitored room along with having my CPAP machine for sleeping confiscated.   I know the staff are doing their jobs so I will not vent anger towards them.

I would like some help defining the timeline of my depression and it’s cycles.    Having had it since I was 10 or 11 and I am now 59 Imore and more wonder if I am now in a terminal phase of it.   If so what kind of care can I get.  In some countries there is end of life options for certain terminal diseases.   Could I include my depression?   I would welcome that.

Unless some miracle treatment finds me I am now thinking more and more that my best option when I am finally able to go home is to revert to my original plan.   I want to leave some sort of memoriaization to my family, not to outline my reasons but to extend my hopes and wishes for them.      Now I have some thinking to do..

As always I welcome feedback,   Pro, Con rebuff,etc.     Please do not ask for details of my plan as I will not share those..  All others who feel the same way as me should do their homework and take their time to really think it through.

Rickrolled, theo, postalservice, postal, the burrow, 4privetdrive ect…. Banned huh??? I wouldn’t trust anyone you don’t already know they have so many alt accounts.

Seriously not making a scene but they should be gone. Theyve been busted using the same emails for alt accounts and yet still you can’t get rid of them?

Not blaming just confused

It also seems that the abuse they put abandoned through is gone. I’m sorry admin but the fact that the proof is gone and they’re still here really looks like a cover up.

This is not a place to post random stuff on random topics.

Or to login with multiple accounts pretending to be different people.

We have zero tolerance for people who come here for the wrong reasons, or are seeking to stir things up.

While yes, me and several other members are ‘stirring things’ we wouldn’t have to if they were banned months ago. Can you not do a wide enough ban therefore they are getting by with a vpn??

Pele, goddess of volcanoes and fire-
It’s difficult unearthing ancient symbols of strong women and border-line feminism.
Fierce in their endeavors, powerful, and wise. But rare, in those trying days. Irritating, to say the least. Still sifting through chariots and finding good stories though. I found like, two badass goddesses- not very successful –

I’ll do it… I’ll finally die, hopefully it works, I don’t wish to live this non existence any more. My ex won’t talk to me and thinks I’m stalking and harassing him, I’ve been blocked some places.
I’ll tell him in a game server just before I die or some contact method I wasn’t blocked on. I don’t want him to feel watched, harassed or stalked any longer. I f**ked everything up. I don’t deserve to live.
I want him to have peace and to not feel like he’s ‘living in fear’ or whatnot, I don’t want him to be hurting anymore, I’ll sacrifice myself to make sure of this.
everyone pretty much dislikes me or hates me anyway, except for my mum, well I’m sorry for that…. really sorry :\
best case scenario I just end up faking my death. But I’d rather be dead for real. I can’t ‘torment’ my ex when I’m dead, can I?

My birthday I want to try, sucks its near his birthday but oh well.
I’ve really f*cked this life up beyond repair.

I don’t know why nautical metaphor feels so fit for describing depression, the common denominator of loneliness I suppose is unparalleled. The point is; I feel quite alone, especially in philosophic and religious desire. I seek that which is beyond human understanding, and at the same time fully admit that what I am looking for may not be there. Those around me get more and more upset about my qualification that I do not know everything. Yet, there is but one flaw I cannot stand; pretending to know what you do not. So I am disliked/shunned by the religious and the atheists. I have a small group of each who tolerate me, yet they test me regularly on the firmness of my rhetoric and the sincerity of my belief. Today, I don’t know if I’m passing the test.

I’m trying to not just deny myself, but consider that which is removed a joyful sacrifice. As such, I’m not in a great place defensively speaking. Yet, I do this as I believe it is the will of the lord, and the only path under which I continue to grow as a person. I don’t understand how people in the West are so god awful sure of themselves. All the scientific data from the last century indicates that at every point we’ve been somewhat mistaken in our description of the world. Being open to correction was exactly the missing feature non-believers tell me they want out of those of faith.

Yet here I am, attacked by both sides for trying to bring them to the table. Truly the diplomat is a pathetic and unwanted creature.

problem solved, eh? 🙂

i havent been here long but dear lord this place is full of fucking drama. can anyone suggest other places where you can talk and read peoples thoughts about suicide without the trolly tit for tat? i just suggested one on another thread called Chronic Suicide Support which has an older crowd, mature, no drama, nice crowd from what ive seen. Then there’s 7cups but that’s sort of the opposite age gruop seems like a very young crowd but helpful and supportive. Dont bother suggesting that place where the incels goad teenage girls into killing themselves, I think that includes both those websites with the initials SS. basically looking for a suicidal safe zone which this place is not.

My bad for not reading the FAQ section for so long, but guys, it looks like you can just report them through the email provided. I’m sure if enough of you say something, she’ll get banned. Please, can we do something about this? The mods don’t have time to watch this site all the time and get involved in everything, clearly, so can we please do this together? I don’t know why I overreacted, but I agree that “theo” has seriously got to go. Sorry didn’t mean to make things worse but I think that’s the route we should all go please I feel silly for overreacting knowing that option was available

+Echo has two coextensive histories: the mythological one and the scientific one. Each provides a slightly different perspective on the inherent meaning of recurrence, especially when that repetition is imperfect.
To repeat: her voice has life. It possesses a quality not present in the original, revealing how a nymph can return a different and more meaningful story, in spite of telling the same story.
To illustrate the multiple resonances found in an echo, the Greeks conjured up the story of a beautiful mountain nymph. Her name was Echo and she made the mistake of helping Zeus succeed in one of his sexual conquests. Hera found out and punished Echo, making it impossible for her to say anything except the last words spoken to her. Soon after, Echo fell in love with Narcissus whose obsession with himself caused her to pine away until only her voice remained. Another lesser known version of this myth has Pan falling in love with Echo. Echo, however, rejects his amorous offers and Pan, being the god of civility and restraint, tears her to pisces, burying all of her except her voice.
me-talent unlike this sweet gentleman:
Online Exclusive: Blind man uses bat-like vision – World’s Weirdest Events – BBC Two – YouTube
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I’m sure the late hour has helped, add to that the dim light in my room, or how poorly I’ve been sleeping, going to sleep but not really resting, if that’s possible, though let me tell you, sitting alone, awake to nothing else but this odd murmuring, like listening to the penitent pray- you know it’s a prayer but you miss the words- or better yet listening to a bitter curse, realizing a whole lot wrong’s being ushered into the world but still missing the words, me like that, listening in my way by comparing in his way both spanish fragments, both written out on brown leaves of paper, or no, that’s not right, not appearing almost colored or the memory of a color, somehow violent, or close to that, or not at all, as I justkept reading both pieces over and over again, trying to detect at least one differing accent or ……

I’m trying to figure out what I’m doing. So I’ll try to maybe “organize” my pain? I guess? Well, I’ve always been lonely. I’ve never had any close friends. That’s just the case. When I was around 11 years old, or maybe 9, or maybe even earlier, I started having double personalities. To explain, I was one person at school, another person at home. Then eventually, I was one person with one group of people, and another person with another group of people. So when those groups of people met, I didn’t know what to do, and I became nervous, usually just following “the script” (not having any personality at all).

Then, when I was 13, or maybe 14? I moved to a different country. I didn’t know the language that they spoke there. So I felt even more disconnected. I kept contact with some of my friends, but at the moment, I barely remember them, I remember their names, how they looked like, but not how they acted. I haven’t kept contact with anyone really. It took me a while to feel like I actually had a group of friends in that new country. I always spoke english, even though that technically wasn’t the language that they spoke in that country, which my teachers criticized me for. Whatever. Then, I stayed there for two years I think. I moved there in May 2017 and left there in July 2019. Currently I live in Spain. I haven’t kept contact with anyone from that other place though. I made some friends my first year, but… I don’t know what happened to me. I think they got too close to me, and I pushed them away. They didn’t understand it, and I didn’t either. The second year, I also made some friends, but I never felt close to them. I always felt like an outcast.

Then, when I moved to Spain, the same thing happened here. First year, I’m very popular, I have lots of friends. 6 months pass. I shut myself in. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I barely want to go to school. I can’t sleep at night. I don’t eat much. But I did pass the grades that year, somehow. Mainly because of covid-19 honestly. Then, over the summer, I didn’t talk to a lot of people. I have a pool near my house so I don’t really have to. I did go to one party though. It was fun, I guess. While it lasted, anyway. After that, well, I got into what would have been my second last year of education before going to University, but I don’t know. I couldn’t make any friends. I tried to. I made one friend. And I had friends from the year before in another class room, but I never saw them so it didn’t really matter. Again, I felt like I didn’t belong there really. Just like always. I couldn’t form any type of connection with anyone. I guess I just don’t know how to join a conversation. I’m not sure. But well, I kept studying at least. I didn’t pass any subject. That didn’t really help me at all. My teachers seemed to be worried about me, but well, I’m 17 years old so it’s not like anyone can fix my relationships for me. I don’t really know how to make friends, I guess. Though I did make friends last year. And the two years before that. Maybe I’m not the problem? I know people were spreading rumors about me. I’m not sure what those rumors were though. But well, around October I stopped going to school almost entirely. I’ve been to school maybe 7 or so times since then. Mostly because the closest friend I had forced me to. He doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore though. I guess he got tired of putting up with me.

Then, throughout most of winter, and up until now, I’ve spent most of my time in my bed. Not doing much. Mainly just being on the internet honestly. I remember back in December or November, someone that I met on the internet told me, “Get off the internet… please, before it’s too late.” It was already too late when she told me that. By some miracle, I managed to get a girlfriend in February I think? Late february or early March. February 28th (my birthday) was the worst day of the year for me. Probably the worst day of my life so far. The week after that, I cut myself twice and passed out on the floor from low blood sugar because I refused to eat anything. To explain, I met my girlfriend over the internet. She was mute because of a car accident she was in, so we never called each other. But well, she really helped me. She made me think that my life was tolerable while I was at my lowest point. Or maybe I was just looking for any excuse not to kill myself because deep down I don’t(didn’t) really want to. I promised her that if she killed herself, I would kill myself, and she promised me that if I killed myself, she would kill herself. That’s the main reason I didn’t do it. I was really unfair to her honestly. Sure, I can say that I was in pain and use that as an excuse, but I don’t think there is any excuse for what I did to her. I guess you could say I used her as a crotch and then threw her away when I didn’t think I needed her anymore. That’s the best way I can describe it. I can’t change that. I can’t make up some bullshit to excuse it, and there’s no way for me to make up for it. I have to get over it somehow though. I’m not sure if I actually feel fine right now. On the surface, I always look like I’m doing fine. Emotionally, at least. Honestly, my mind and my feelings are the only things I care about atm. If I bother with anything else, it’s bound to get worse. Two days ago I desperately wanted to kill myself, yesterday I was extremely happy and today I’m calmly analyzing myself. I don’t think I’m bipolar.

I am sad now. I don’t know why. I just feel that way. The heavy, empty feeling is consuming me again. Like always. It’s so relaxing. But so uncomfortable.

I know that there are so many other horrible diseases that need cures but I really wish they would find one for depression. I’m pretty sure we’ve all had our share of hospital stay, pills and therapist. I’ve also been lucky enough to stumble upon this site 6 years ago and have been able to come back whenever I need to vent anonymous and also even though its sucks that anyone has to go through this, but its a little comforting to not be alone. I wish all of us free of the crushing weight of depression.