General

I got guns in my head and they won’t go, spirit in my head and they won’t go.

For the past 2 weeks, my anxiety doubled, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat well.
And I’ve been thinking a lot lately.
It keeps coming to my head, I just wanna cry and let it out most of the time.
But I can’t, I don’t know why.

I’m at the edge.
I always ask myself, “Is it okay for me to give up?”
“Is it okay to just rest?”

I’m tired.
My body is and my mind is.
Talk to me?
’cause these thoughts are killing me.

I always think that I’m hard to love but they said it’s not true
When I think about it deeper, yes, it’s not true
But the truth is, it’s hard to stay — in love, or to stay in general — with me.

Do you know the song of Lorde, Liability?
I feels like that most of the time
I’m a little too much for everyone/anyone to handle.
I tend to push them away and shut myself out from the world.

I want to disappear but at the same time I want to lift myself up from this darkness.
Can you help me?

Suppose for whatever reason you decide that you’re not ready to end it yet. But you’re still filled with an overwhelming sense of the futility of living. You’re still in pain, and that seems likely to only get worse. You’re still completely alone, and unable to see any possibility of meaningful connection. It still feels clear that you would be better off not existing.

Are there better ways to manage that feeling? So that it consumes you and tortures you as little as possible? I’ve been trying/failing for the best part of 12 years now.

Some random responses that come to my mind:

• Mindfulness/meditation – to try to detach you from identifying with the hopelessness inside
• Running/exercising in nature – to try to jolt your mind out of itself or exhaust it
• Sleeping all day – ’til your mind gets bored of it’s misery and forces you to get up
• Binge eating nice food – to give a feeling of physical comfort
• Recreational drugs – to trick your body into producing chemicals that tell you everything is fine
• Video games – absorbing yourself in a virtual world where you have purpose and there are no issues you can’t shoot your way out of
• Listening to loud music – the angstier/sadder/more despairing the better – cringy emoting is required
• Obsessively checking the news/social media sites – if you’re focused on how fucked the world is, you might forget for a moment how personally fucked you are
• Learning to play music you enjoy – reminding yourself of happier times while focusing on something that feels meaningful in a small way
• Compulsively escaping into fantasy – trying to trick your mind into believing that what it longs for is actually possible
• Repetitively posting on this site (or elsewhere)
• Occupying yourself in a dead end job – it you can convince yourself your job is making you miserable, you might forget it’s your mind that’s making you miserable – you can pretend it would all be better if you quit

I’d be interested in anyone else’s experiences. Have any of you found better ways to manage despair?

Why? Well because I won’t be around very long for me to even bother creating a connection with anyone. All you are is a coworker….nothing more. It’s not that you’re a bad person or that I find you annoying. I don’t think I’m better than you or anything like that. I just know myself too well. I know I’m too broken inside to allow myself to partake in companionship. I truly believe this and so you won’t see me making an effort to sneak a joke in or start a conversation. It honestly feels foreign to me. You see I’ve been broken for a while and sometimes for some people like myself the damage is too much to repair. I’ve been like this for a while so it doesn’t bother me anymore. I’ve accepted this as my reality. I don’t believe in companionship anymore….not for me. Sounds grim I know but I’ve decided to restructure my philosophy on my personal life. I’ve done it in such a way that happiness is still an option for me where I can still have some form of a connection with society and others without having to partake in “ordinary” chit chat, parties, and all other non essential social events. Strangely I am fairly comfortable speaking in front of crowds as I recently discovered at an AA meeting and I also find it easier to start conversations with strangers than I do with coworkers or classmates and I  realized this has to do with the fact that I know that I won’t ever have to establish a connection with them because we both know we likely won’t see each other again like the people on public transportation or at the DMV. I truly feel like a robot, Broly or like Edward Scissor Hands. My face definitely shows it that’s for sure. I suppose I often just feel numb to emotions like they just pass right through me of something. So yeah it’s no wonder why people think I’m a freak. I don’t even feel human sometimes. I can definitely laugh, get angry, smile, and be sad or excited. I still feel these things but it’s just not as frequent as those who question my odd behavior. I mean no offense when I’m silent but unfortunately it’s inevitable that some will take offense to it or come to negative conclusions about me with very little evidence. I’ve been called all kinds of names because of this from “future school shooter”, “Freak”, “mute” etc….it doesn’t even offend me anymore. I’m always inside my head and I always wanna know how things work more so than how people work. I love learning new things and staying busy working on things. I have obsession with learning more about this world and the universe and so I’m always inside my head because of this. Maybe that’s a bad thing. I think my purpose in life is to create something useful or just simply serve my community and my fellow human beings. That’s what makes me happy and the outdoors are nice too. I’m slowly learning how to enjoy my own company. Companionship is a trap for me and I’m not talking about “love” necessarily but rather just the simple concept of companionship. At most I’m more like an ally to people. I’ll offer my time, and work but please don’t get too close to me….. I won’t “open up” to you.

Hi 🙂

I hope you @ll have a great week.

and I’m sorry if it’s been hell lately. I feel it, and the isolation kills. It isn’t fair that you go through so much.

but, each one of you is unique. and it’s nice getting to know your characters on here.

🙂 have a good week this next one if you’re able

Im 18 now, and that’s a big thing. Its big boy time, and im not ready. Get a car, pay for insurance move out, fix the energy crisis, have a family, be supportive, go to college, pay taxes. You know, big things. The issue is, how is a small thing like me supposed to deal with problems so big I cannot see them up close? What the hell do I have to do in order to continue as I am, rather than what my environment and my situation demands me to be?

“and after skydiving, we can try ultralight flying since you don’t need a license for that”

😀 I think we’ll go on a bad day.

Love this girly.

I worked 5,214 hours in the last two years and the sheriffs office stole every penny I made from me in twenty minutes. I didn’t even do anything. The work was very physically demanding and sapped every amount of strength I had from my body. I was also raped on my birthday this year. I decided last night I am going to commit suicide, I just have to do what I said I would do and finish my music first. Don’t know why I am being stalked obsessively.. The police had attacked me at gunpoint earlier this year after some teenagers told me their condoms broke, they held 6 machine guns to my head, as they stole thousands of dollars from me. He appeared a heavy terrorist from Iran in physical appearance. Two police had raped me in 2016. I gave them 15,000$ in 2016 because of this. I’ve been a mute since I was raped when I was 9 years old. 2 years ago, someone forcefed me shit.

i dont validate my mental state. i dont believe i deserve it. my life wasnt that bad. it could have been so much worse. why am i so bad off right now? i want to let him rape me. i want to let them beat me. i want to deserve where i currently am. things should be even. i dont deserve my current problems, they outweigh the cause. im weak. i cant handle life.

I’ve always wanted a tattoo. I like the art and design behind it. The fact that a person commits a part of themselves to a specific design is really cool to me. I have a few ideas already. I like geometric shapes. Weird illusion designs are neat, but I don’t really like them when they are plain black ink. I want it to be more colorful, to make it pop. I saved a tattoo that looked really cool, but it made it seem like the skin was kind of rolling back through blocky shapes. Like you were looking inside of a person, and inside there was this cool spiral pillar. Can’t find the picture online, but I have it on my phone. The thing I don’t like about it is that it’s black and white. I’d like it to be colorful, but not uniformly. More like splash art. Another idea I’ve been thinking about recently is like a cluster of eyes on my shoulder. I like tattoos that embody an abstract idea. I want a tattoo that embodies fear and paranoia. Having a cluster of eyes all looking in different directions, all looking afraid and frantic, would be really cool. None of them would be looking straight. All of them will be looking out the corners of the eyes. One that seems cool is just a body floating from an above perspective. Out in the middle of the ocean. That idea is a bit more hard though. The concept of loneliness is what I’d like to convey with that idea, but that only works if the ocean is vast and wide and empty. Yet I want to see their face up close. That idea would probably work better as an animation or painting. There is also the semicolon. I’ve never tried to commit suicide, but I think about it a lot. Although, tons of people have them, so I don’t know. Anyways, I just wanted to talk about my ideas. Probably look at this again for future reference, if I ever forget them.

I just want to kill myself… It’s all that’s ever on my mind, but my mind is too lucid right now. It makes me realize how selfish of me that would be.

After everyone’s helped me through so much. Now it’s my turn to help them… but, I still feel like I need help, too.

So much responsibility has fallen to me. I guess in a way it always has. But in the past, I always felt easily replaceable. If I didn’t get her from point A to point B, then surely someone else would. Or maybe it would prompt her to get her license. Back then, even though I was needed, it felt like maybe my death was what was needed to push everyone along.

But now… if I die, then my girlfriend is stuck with our apartment, with our rent… and no one to help her. She just lost her job because of this COVID-19 too, so… she has no way to do this without me.

I used to believe that if I was properly needed that I might not want to die. That if I were useful, then at least my life had some meaning. But… I want to kill myself just as much as ever. Yet, I can’t bring myself to anymore. Not right now… Not while she needs me.

I really wish that I could though. I wish it was at a place in my life where it didn’t feel selfish of me to do so. I just want this emptiness in my body to end. The empty days, the empty mind, the sunken heart… I just want it to end. I don’t even care about relief, I know I won’t get any. I just want it gone.

I took like a duck to water to the work of the film Director Ingmar Bergman some years ago. Everything I ever felt about life, particularly the way I see things was there in his movies. Suicide was mentioned, in both his work and life, this drew me closer. He recounted a terrible tale in his autobiography which I think is very applicable to anyone on this site who might be holding hope in psychiatric help, it certainly would of helped me. In 1976 the Swedish authorities arrested Bergman on suspicion of tax evasion, Bergman had a breakdown as a result and was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, he was administered valium during the day and strong sleeping pills at night. The days passed, the weeks passed. One day Bergman asked the head psychiatrist  ” Has Psychiatric treatment ever cured anyone”?  The head psychiatrist replied  ” Cure is a very big word”, smiled encouragingly and continued his rounds. Bergman discharged himself and got back into the real world. Do not under any circumstances put your hope in psychiatry or any of its offshoots, you will get worse not better. One disappointment too many could push you to suicide.

Reading so many of the posts here one thing that seems to be a common thought process is that most of us realize that things will get better even if we can’t see it right now. We also realize that they won’t always be good.
I think that’s the issue. We know we have to go through pain over and over again in life and it’s unbearable to think about. I don’t know if the good is worth going through the bad.
Some have depression times longer or worse than others. Some last moments and moods switch, some last months or years with only small rays of light and hope. Personally, when my mood switches in an instant I don’t know how to handle it, it feels so surreal to go from dreaming of dying to just okay and knowing your dreams are going to come back.

Which is nice. I’ll leave this for folks who would just like some music.