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Am I in an abusive relationship or is it just me? I don’t know anything anymore. My dissociation has me so far out of it if I wasn’t smarter I’d swear everything is fake. That I’m not actually here. That what I see as life isn’t real. Idk. Part of me hopes it’s just me but idk. All I know for sure is that I’m becoming more and more suicidal again.
I’m tired of this life, I’m not satisfied with the way things are and look right now, I wonder if they will change or if I’ll be able to change them.
Sometimes, after a single tear dries, a stain is left to mark its place. A constant and forever reminder of what was lost.
Ive had that tear. I am that stain.
Each and every night tears fall like small stars. They weave themseves through the fabrics of time, each day to the next, allowing me to pass into the next day without passing into the next life.
Sometimes i wish i could just close my eyes, even if for a moment; to reopen them again in some far distant galaxy, far from everything that has brought me here.
I have always wondered; What comes next, after this life.
Do I believe in heaven, or Hell?
There has to be something more, something in the vast of space that I can call home.. or my own. A place with no sorrow. A place where my soul can be free.
Sleep.
Sleep is blissful. Your own world were you are in control.
The days of yesterday are forgotten and tomorrow never comes.
In the darkest hours of night as the tears flow down I look up to the stars and wonder: Why can’t the stars always shine and the Earth reside forever in darkness.
To look upon the stars is Human. To touch the stars, thats God.
To touch those stars would be the last tear, the last stain.
Soon. Soon those stars will be touchable. I will leave this plane and walk among them.
Soon I will erase these stains and escape this pain.
Soon I will lose all these sorrows.
Soon, but with the coming of another day, its not soon enough.
i am for real only suicide idealizing.
to murder is just a hobby. this love of my time is confabulation that adheres to social disorder which can refract to an mental disorder and is at first place a political treat of occurence.
That’s all it takes… a moment. Everything in our lives is affected by every decision we choose to make in every present moment.
Earlier today my Mother chose, in a moment of despair, to go to her closet and get her handgun.
Earlier today I chose, in a moment of awareness, to go upstairs in response to the out of the ordinary noise I heard.
My life could have changed in a moment, and hers could have ended, had I not walked upstairs just as she was about to lock her bedroom door.
I just wanted to remind everybody of how important a single moment in time can be. Each and every person, all too often, takes a moment for granted. That applies to the good moments and the bad moments. But we all must remember that, good or bad, our decisions in a moment literally change everything.
That’s why I’m using my current moment to write this in hopes that everybody reading this will use their next moments for betterment instead of possibly using them to live in the sadness of moments that have already passed, & that cannot be changed, which may lead to a decision that cannot be undone.
Hopefully I didn’t waste my moment 🙂
I’m asking this not because I got dealt a bad hand but rather because I just don’t understand the purpose of life. Even when things were going right in my life I still asked this question and so I’ve always kinda been depressed about life in general. What are we here for? What’s my purpose and whats the purpose of other peoples lives? If this planet will be gone someday then what’ s the point? No one really leaves their mark. That’s just way to make oneself feel better about themselves. 50 years is nothing, 100 years is nothing, 2000 years is nothing, 500,000 years is nothing in comparison to how long this universe has been around….so the smart people say. And if that’s true then that makes me feel insignificant. It doesn’t matter how much I learn or how strong I become physically. I don’t know of a human that can lift 4,000 pounds. Humans like to think we’re so mighty and great but we’re just flesh and blood. it doesn’t matter how tough you think you are….in the end we all perish. In the end even if you Bench Press the Guiness world record there are still more powerful forces than you. This concept of always competing seems like such a waste of energy. Always trying to be the best worker at your job, always trying to be the best partner in a relationship, always trying to be the healthiest, always trying to be the most attractive, always trying to be the most wealthy, etc. It’s all just too much for me. I don’t think I want to be human anymore. It’s such a ***** to live. Why keep going? It’s always gonna go me against the world just like for everyone else. Some love competition but I don’t. I guess it really goes like the saying….only the strongest survive. The weak suffer the burden of feeling like nothing while the strong feel the burden of always having to work their ass off for something that wont last forever. Whether you leave your mark or not it all disappears someday and even when your mark is still here there’s no guarantee anyone will give a shit about what you did in your lifetime. Everything will be gone someday and no one will remember anybody. What’s all the fear about being forgotten if it’s only natural? Everyone will be forgotten eventually someday. And at the end of our life we’re nothing but a lump of disgusting flesh and bone. If you’ve ever seen a dead body before then you know what I mean. It’s a horrible and pathetic sight of our nature. You can be the most attractive live person in the world but as soon as you die and nature decides to take your flesh back……You look like disgusting filth and you stink.
But I can’t.
You say you’re anxious, but you don’t even get panic attacks.
You say you’re depressed, but you haven’t even been properly diagnosed.
You say you’re suicidal, but you can’t even bring even the slightest harm to yourself.
Face it, you’re a fraud.
You’re just a failure.
Weak.
Hate yourself even more.
Kill yourself. End it at last.
But you can’t.
Pathetic.
I lost my job last week. My 5th job in 18 months. I haven’t told my family yet. I’ve signed up for some independent contractor jobs so I can bring in some money. I’m such a coward that I dragged my ass out of bed at 3:30am just to sit in my car all day and maintain the illusion that I have a job…all because I’m too afraid to tell anyone I lost another job. Some agent from the attorney generals office is calling me about the last job I lost. I got an order from the licensing board to appear for an evaluation, so if I want to keep my professional license and avoid a huge fine and/or expensive monitoring program I’m going to have to find a lawyer. I’m so broke I’m trying to sell off mutual funds in my IRA so I can free up some cash. I keep talking myself into and out of some sort of mental health counseling because I feel like I’m going to lose it soon. I’m so over this year already but then I know that I brought this all on myself.
this week i went out with some of the closer friends i have, and noticed that i can actually act normal and conceal everything now. i feel the same no matter what they say, what i say. we watched the film searching and eventually i gave up on killing myself in somewhere hidden.
if you don’t know, searching is about a father searching for his disappeared daughter, i don’t know, it scares me that people’ll look for my rotting body and everything
i don’t know how long it’ll take for people i care to die of old age. i don’t know if i can make it that long. my brain is either completely blank and rejecting any informations or filled with those words, where i whisper to myself again and again how much of a piece of shit i am, almost sucking on the phrases as a pacifier, to reassure myself and see if i’m still there.
i’m completely numb. anger is washed down, same goes happiness and being sad.i don’t want to make this sound fancy so i’m just going to use the basic emotion words, but sad, for fuck’s sake i hate that word. i stopped feeling love along with most of the positive things. there’s just nothing. i don’t know how else to fix this but to…release some tension through the sexual way, but it’s almost like i’m doing it medically, this is really fucking weird to put out. my body don’t want the feeling, but if i don’t feel something comforting, i’m really going to collapse. but there’s something that keeps on screaming and yelling and telling me i should drop all this and run away. i can’t bring myself to do anything anymore. i don’t know when the day may come. sometimes i feel like there’s this steel rod, digging into the back of my neck, where there’s this little curve, leading to the bottom of the skull. break it, break it, but the rod stays there, and the voices continues. i know i deserve this, every single part of it. but i’m exhausted, every part of me is tired. dreams after dreams, no matter if it’s 1 hour or 11 hours of sleep, i can go on and on without stop, if only i get the chance to.
Life is not fair
Some people are lucky,
Some people are not
Some people live a successful & happy life,
Some people fail miserably & even commit suicide
Everything is just only a random chance
The universe doesn’t care
We are just only a tiny little speck of dust in this vast universe
Nothing matters.
Everybody is either paid off, in a trance, or a zombie.
starts by oneself. though, I still would marry just to Die with assistance. but, the causes for the suicidality are reflected down. to Life for a Biography does not motivate me. not even compassionate happiness does me. the book is something, .. oh, and rememberance.
feels not like forgetfullness when I need to remind myself chapter per chapter about my own Life. i can not again tear everyone down with my focus on me, to find that me is still more than the average and come down to worthlessness and staggering progress or loose discipline. even if I’d find a similar chance, I always am sick about the loneliness that nobody believes, can relate to. the coin-redeemed thoughts in my Head being as a whole like cardhouses made by tyranny and drain. also the status quo. or demanding something from my greedfulness in an medium which is already plague, the awareness that the alternative can not be made of gears causing it. excuses that come like greetings. prejudices of an normality that should not be fueling people and their confidence. also confidence broken when someone tries to hold on to an justice, needs help from executives gets denied, ambulances who do arbitrary stuff. People not be told about their Politics, the Person itself restricted of possibilities to get proper insight, knowledge and understanding.
i like to, but fundamentally it is broken down still to infringement and a understanding of freedom, peace rarely People would know disrupted.
it feels not good to try to get enough of something.
the quality even increases.
close to all is back in my memories.
motivation are cigarettes.
solitude and sanity.
anger? most gone.
like to smile.
can not be left like that though. i would like to still, but the hassle of getting drugs? fears about are just to be conscious when it happens.
also, I can not sleep again through whole months, being vegetative seemingly. it’ll be called an exception some day to get into substances. facing the right medication, therapies.. but nothing of me being Human, any Interest.
Social Networks will Fade. I hate doing waste, doing Moods. Be Happy, most Type of Fun. Journeys.
The Uselessness starts not from Me that ache me, but None I will assault upon (again). No Progress through the Day. Subjective Gain just Moods again. Teamwork on Simple Things. Sports for Distraction. To Paint.
Even to write scales Down to something I would not need honestly.
death is eventually going to get us
why not just do it now
why cant we do it
what are the reasons
because someone loves you or the other way round?
its your choice
you need to make it
i cant think of anything to say to convince people to live their life
i just saw this post titled “i dont want the world to end, i just dont want to be in it”
my life feels like that
i dont want to be a burden for everyone i love
i dont want them to suffer for me
to spend money on me that they could be using for themselves
to buy themselves food
not me anything but me
anyone but me
i dont deserve it
i dont deserve anything
humanity doesnt deserve anything
this world was beautiful
we made it all go to shit
it would be better if all of us went to shit
I’ve settled with the day Im going to do it.
My 20th birthday in September.
Absolutely fool proof.
Now I have 9 months to raise the courage.
UPDATE: I drove off the road today. Stopped myself tho.
When we grow up into being an adult, often we are pressured to be “realistic”. But at what cost? Too often, especially when you’re not ‘lucky/fortunate’ enough, all this whole “adulthood” and “grow up” things just turned us into a jaded, weary, bitter, cynical, apathy, limited, empty, cold, sad, & depressed person/individual..
The young, youthful, carefree, freespirit, creative, lively, happy, & dreamy/dreamer “child” / “childhood” in us often times slowly have died.. as we grow up into being an adult..
And for many people, it also usually means that we have to “let go”, or to be more honest & real, I would say that we are being pressured to kill our dreams..
Reality is cruel, cold, disappointing, very limiting, mundane/boring, stupid, pointless/meaningless (often times), & depressing.. especially for some of us who have fully realized it & wake up to the harsh truth.
I was chatting with my mom, and I didn’t understood something she said and when I asked her, she told me that I was dumb and got angry with me, I felt terrible, because most of the time I don’t understand things, and tried to hold my tears, but began to cry more, and she got angrier and told me that I was just doing a tantrum, but I feel so hurt, I don’t know why, lately in my mind I’ve been telling me that I’m stupid, that don’t deserve good things and then she told me that, so now I’m crying and I can’t stop thinking negative thought, and that I don’t wanna live more!
For whatever reason, I’ve been watching the news too much again. Is anyone seeing the change in the personalities that deliver this crap to us? It seems the networks are demanding that these anchors deliver the daily garbage to us in a manner that makes them appear to be having casual conversation with a friend….lots of ad libs and deviations from the printed script of the horror show that network news is anymore. Now we get to watch and pretend that we’re just hangin’ out with our friends Ken and Barbie Doll news personality as they inject their own happy fun opinions and observations on the days news trash. Smiles, light hearted friendly banter and lots of short skirts and legs as these fools try to convince us that all is well in a world of insanity.
What a shit show.
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