General

I really want to go. Yeah I’ve made up my mind. But I’ll have to keep existing in the meantime.
I look forward to nothing in this life, nothing nothing nothing.
At least I have my mum.

I created an imaginary boyfriend. Yeah I’m pathetic.

I suppose it doesn’t matter much. It won’t make a difference if I do it right or wrong because there won’t be anyone to notice. If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it does it make a sound? If a lonely person dies and no one notices did they really live?

In short, dumped, evicted and unemployed and no gas in the tank. Its been a good 54 year run. Dad passed at 5 mom at 29, both of cancer. Dad just vanished one day when I was sent to my aunts for a weekend. Hospice and all that. Karma gave me the experience to participate with mom. Home care til she passed, delivered the dose personally to spare my brother the guilt. She was beyond recovery.
14 and heartbroken by a girl, let’s call her Kara. Who knew tylenol from aspirin at 14. Ears rang for 3 days but lived. Washing it down with nyquil I just vomited alot back up.
Struggled mentally and economically at 18, put a rifle barrel in my mouth, guilt of doing it living under a parents roof stopped me.
Blew out a disk in my neck at 24, won the spinal fusion price, opioid addiction and another attempt at 2004. Oxy’s in oatmeal. Chickened out, had roomates, didn’t want me to be the mess they found.
Set a toaster on the tub in 2011, chickened out, wife was on a trip to see family, another trip I was never included in. Was ok til 2015, wife said she’s done we’ve grown apart, yadda yadda. Took her stuff and split. Never filed for divorce, never heard from her again. She still files taxes as married.
Met who I thought was a good soul in a shitty situation. sparks flew, it was ok for two years. She’s type 1 diabetic, there have been more than a few ER visits at 2 AM. I had a heart attack, won a stint, lost my job, got hired again, to only be let go again 15 months later.
Without unemployment I wouldn’t have made it, we wouldn’t have. Shes got RA and some mental challenges (who doesn’t?), a shitty ex, two kids, parents she hates due to a shitty childhood, and is all-around defenses up all the time and maintains the posture of “if the thought didn’t originate in her head its clearly BS.” Being able to contribute was a miracle last year.
But I love her dearly, the whole thing, I can deal with the other crap but she said I am out because I am the reason her kids won’t visit.
I called BS as no one visits. Like, at all. She hates social anything. We had the kids on the weekends and did great stuff, camping and biking, campfires in the yard, cooking and working together to keep this miracle going. Her kids have no discipline, dad buys them anything let’s them decide everything and is all around checked out because he had the realization he was actually gay in his marriage and had kept it a lie to his kids and parents, so he drinks, does dudes, gets angry, drives drunk, drunk dials. I took the tact of being firm but gentle, hold them accountable. Build confidence by assigning tasks and rewarding hard work. But I don’t take lip service and they learned that I am tough but fair. They then decided despite the court order they were going to live with dad, because mom’s on medicaid due to injury and work changing, and she cant buy their every whim or do whatever they want.
Dad bought his 18 year old daughter a new turbo Mazda. We cant compete with that.

Anyway where was I? Ah, heart attack, Went for a physical complaining of chest pain, lol. She got into accidents with my new truck and her new car that month. Did tell you the car story? So I am making good bank doing IT work and had saved up a chunk to pay off my wife’s bills. But then she decides shes just gonna stop paying into the bills. I called her out on it she had no answer and I told her to figure it out, that the last 10 years of no sex or affection was 10 too long, asked her why she is still even here. So after she left, and I met the current partner, I noticed my new girlfriend was paying and using he sisters 7 real old Corolla, and not getting the credit for the payments. I told her to pick a car, she did, I dropped $5500 to get her into a lease, which is now a pay to own with a year left on payments. She needed a good safe capable car to haul her two dogs and two kids, to be the photographer she dreamed to be independently. She is kinda now but medicaid limits earnings, insulin and supplies are stupid expensive, etc. I got picked up by a great company, got my pay rate without question(guess no bodies willing to work for a paycheck)and great benefits, All to provide. After the heart attack I got ED. She took it very personally. Whether she sought comfort elsewhere who can say. So the kids decide to stay with dad, heart attack, 5 months later jobless. Got a job that paid shit but was a nonprofit and I thought I would rather toil for someones benefit that wasn’t the CEO and their bottom line. Gone from there 18 months later, all the while the GF tears a rotator cuff, loses her job, and her mom has a heart attack. Meanwhile the son is diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and the ex is all like, its your fault because she has it too. So here I am, still not divorced, impotent, making crap, all her burden, and hating the stress of my field. Hate the on-calls, the constant rude interruptions, the impossible expectations. But it pays so I land the big one and 4 weeks in she texts me while doing a gig on the road and says you need to leave, my kids cant be afraid to visit because of you. In reality her kids always blow her off. And the last few years shes left me alone on Christmas etc. Making up lies about not visiting her parents, then last minute doing it without me. It didn’t take a genius.

So here we are, me 4 weeks in a job, grateful and finally can put the resources into this family that are badly needs, even if it kills me. She said I was on the way up. Funny, without anyone to benefit what’s the point. She knows I have no one for a support structure, which is my fault, my choosing. I was told to take care of the dogs for the week while shes away. I have been doing all the taking care of for the last 6 years, all of it. She for the last 8 months has stayed out and over her friends, getting drunk, high, mushrooms… maybe home in bed 1 night a week, her bed. After the ED she moved to another bed. She’s 44, midlife crisis? Loves the weed edibles etc. Used to be in therapy, she was more engaged then. Now shes dismissive, unacknowleging, and unappreciative. Does not offer to help with anything, but has all the energy in the world to work. And I choose to do that, pick up the slack so she would have no excuses to go after what she wanted.
She gave me the week. I left my great job, made up a lame family-cancer emergency.
All because moving all my crap out, selling a bunch of retirement items so as to have resources as I just started the job, and cleaning the traces of all trace of me, at least I get one more week with her dogs. I love them dearly and their loss as well as hers will be unbearable.
So while I recycle/dispose/offsite store everything, I spoil them for the last week. For the last 6 months I have made their diet some kibble, cooked cows liver, carrots, quinoa, and flax seed oil. It has been like having puppies again. I fear they will get neglected, along with our chickens when I leave.
But you know what, I have dealt with suicide-ideation and attempts since i was 5, I have put the gun in my mouth without pulling the trigger more times in the last 6 years than I could have imagined. Moreso amazed because I haven’t done it.
But also I have been listening to Alan Watts and Ram Dass lately. And I think after taking in hundreds of hours of lecture and reflection, that my work perhaps is done here. That I was always destined to take my life, but to take the this breakup/homeless/jobless as the sign that I should have no anger, spite, sadness, etc. To really SEE it for what it is. That it is as it will be, to know its all love and its all one, so I cannot be blind to it. It is time. I have finally arrived at the time I should go, because the separation from all earthly things is completing. I have no desire to push on, for things, for relations, for food. It’s funny, I was invited to a party from the guy who liquidated my assets for me. It is the night before she is due home. Maybe go, then afterwards find a nice secluded spot , write a note saying notify so and so, tow the car here, etc, let all the grief of losing all that love pour out of me, to wail and howl and lament. like giving birth, sort of. Of all my grief. To finally realize I can let it go, my security blanket in this manifestation. And that will propel me to make my finger actually pull.

I don’t think I want to feel okay anymore. I think this is fine. it’s good enough.

What is there to live for?

I wish my life didn’t suck so much.

I don’t have anything- bad health, little money, no job (disabled), no purpose, no partner, no real friends, I’m all alone with no reason to go on living other than the fact that we can’t easily and painlessly take our own lives.

I can’t enjoy anything bc I’m too sick to! Every day I wake up tired and fatigued, little energy to do anything. Can barely do the basics (shower, brushing teeth, etc) without feeling wiped out. And no, I have physical issues so it’s not just “go out for a walk, go exercise, go be productive!” I wish I could be productive but I physically am unable to, which takes a toll on my mental wellbeing bc I LIKE being productive and feel like sh*t when I’m not doing anything.

My life is wasting away bc nothing gets done. Nothing gets done bc I have no energy to do anything. Life is passing me by and I’m too sick to do much of anything. I’ve been sick for so long, since I was young. I feel ROBBED of a life. A REAL LIFE.

Anyway, I feel like such a sh*t. My body feels like sh*t every day and I wish I had SOMETHING going on for me in my life. I have nothing and no one. NO. ONE. I’m all alone here and I can barely take care of myself.

How do I go on with life when I don’t even have my own body anymore? My body doesn’t work anymore. It’s all constant pain, constant fatigue, and if I so much as eat something “wrong” (which could be anything and is all the time) my body goes into a tailspin?

FML FML FML

I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS SH*T

So Gary doesnt want me. He more than likely sees me as a freeloader since i said i was tryin to get on disability. No mf, because ive had 5 diff jobs in 1 yr thanks to my paranoia!!!! Im gettin older and my mental illness gets crazy at times n i cant afford to lose more jobs n be discriminated against so ssi is there for a safety net reason!!! Not so i can sit at home forever. Fml im so tired of men and their assumptions of me, treatin me like sh*t, makin me begged to be loved because apparently im unloveable cuz who would want a fat crazy b**** like me?! I have nothin to offer, no1 wants me other than a quick screw, im basically trash. My purpose is short lived n i get thrown away, recycled and used again for all eternity. I hate me, i hate what i am, i hate how i look and its men like you Gary who make me question my self worth n who made me believe that u might actually like me. Shame on me for assuming u did, i should of known better. Men are the reason women are crazy, bitter n have trust issues. I never had this when i dated women. Why? Cuz the communication was open and real no matter how much it hurt. Wanna use me? Fine then use me for 1 nite. But stop makin me put my guard down if you dont intend to actually be with me. Its that simple idk why men make it so hard when its not.

I came out of the closet about my schizoaffective disorder to a few people. 2 guys im interested, 1 hasnt said anything n i think i scared him. The other is accepting of it. Told my sons step mom in case my sons therapist asked about family history. Im not in denial. I know i will make or break a situationship. But i shouldnt be punished for somethin i cant physically control. I am on the shots, im seein a therapist and a case manager and prescriber. So i am gettin help to get better. But the ignorant people will believe what they want. This is who i am, take me or stay away, thats all im sayin

I wonder how many people here struggle with BPD, either as a sufferer or a loved one of someone who has it. People who do–what do you find helps, if anything, during difficult moments?

I am slowly dying.
Dying from the inside out.
I’ve lost my purpose, desires, goals. OOMPH.
I feel I am but a clump of dirt, or sand, simply whisked away when the wind blows.

It is a horrible feeling, when you’ve lost who you were.
What am I now? Nothing. At least nothing functional. Nothing happy. Nothing resembling the ME that I once was. There is no more spark. Only a zombie remains.

I have tried to get it back for years, but after 15 years, not only have I not been able to get it back, but that light is dwindling even more. I am fading more and more into the abyss.

on Wed, 14 Jul 2021 14:14:42 GMT, something happened to this site, and it introduced a number of glitches, the worst of ones is that the box to enter the title disappeared from the main post editing form. it may be some incompatibility with favpress, but i have never played with wordpress so i don’t exactly know what’s going on.

I can’t live like this. I won’t live like this. I wish I could of been some help to you but I dragged you down with me. Forgive me.

I have a problem comparing myself to others. For example, I cant watch shows like America’s got Talent, the Olympics, or even cooking competion shows because Ill sit there and think that I havent done enough with my life. It makes me feel talentless and subpar. Beyond TV, Ill do this with other people I come across day to day as well. Maybe Im just complaining here, but wanted to get it out somewhere I guess.

still unable to make titles on posts.
SP ADMINS: please fix, thanks.

-edit:
i finally tried a workaround a commenter posted below, but it shouldn’t be this complicated just to put a title on our posts.
-edit:
also unable to show paragraph breaks in our posts on the main SP page. it will show when we are editing it and when you click on our post, but not on the main page. It shows everyone’s posts without the paragraph breaks, so all our words appear to be one long paragraph.

i am 30 years old from New york queens. Gambling ruined my life along with a toxic relationship that completely sucked out my personality and changed me. Because of gambling, depression, and that relationship i now literally have no personality. I feel like i make people uncomftorable being around me because im always quite and barely talk and people notice that they tell me. Anyways ive been thinking about suicide for years im done living this way. im done being depressed and lonely and feeling misunderstood. I am officially done waking up everyday wanting to end my life and falling asleep everyday wanting to end my life. Next week i travel to colombia to spend 2-3 weeks there(Colombian woman have always been my favorite). Might aswell go enjoy before i die. Im flying to bolivia after colombia in prayers and hopes i find my peacefull pill. Ive tried to buy rope to hang myself but i just cant do it. finally found an “easy” painless way out but hopefully when i get to bolivia im sold the medication i need if not im going to have to man up and hang myself in another country. I already lost my job(because i left without notice since im ending my life), i owe over 15 grand to a bookie, and am just ashamed of myself. Wish me luck i need it

Yeah, basically I’m sick of being sick. I don’t want my life anymore. I don’t want to talk about it, I know it can’t change. I don’t want someone telling me I’m loved or wanted because it’s a fucking lie.

I have no one. These support lines are bullshit. All I want is a fast way out of my body. I don’t want to be here anymore.

I keep reading articles about people successfully completing and I just want to know how they did it. Am I stupid for not knowing how? Am I just a coward? How hard is it to die? How hard can it actually be? I’ve attempted before but it was pathetic. Not a cry for help. I wanted someone to see how desperate I am and help me end my life, not keep me alive.

All these exit plans, medications, whatever methods people use, I want that. For some reason, its been hard to find an out.

I just want out already. How do I do it?

Three weeks ago, on July 4th, I published a good-bye post here as I prepared to take my life. Obviously, I didn’t do it.

To be blunt, I chickened out. After postponing for two days due to rain, I just lost my nerve. I was afraid of the pain. I planned to hang myself, and the pain of asphyxiation terrified me. Of course, I was afraid of death itself as well. Even when the death was my choice, I still feared it.

I’m planning to try it again. I’ve found a painless way to do it this time, which will be ready in a few days. Yet, once again, I find myself afraid to die. This morning I looked at my face in the mirror, musing that pretty soon I will never smile, laugh, or frown again. I got scared! Then I got angry at myself for getting scared, because I know my reasons are sound.

It’s a sick joke isn’t it? To hate living but fear dying.

This time around I aim to act according to my head, not my heart. Like all men, my heart will always fear dying. When face-to-face with death, the heart will always say “What are you doing just standing there? Get the hell out of here!”.

Failing that, in fear it will desperately try to bide time, begging and pleading, invoking panic and doubt. “What if you tried __, huh? You’ve never tried that. Maybe that would fix things! Also haven’t written a suicide note to ___! You have to do that! This will hurt really bad anyway, let’s just watch TV!” 

Last time I relented to that voice, and to the terror. Yet, when my blood cooled, I knew what I know now — that my suicide will be a good thing. An act of mercy. I really do believe that.

I doubt anyone in my life will see it that way though. I doubt any of them knows or appreciates just how much struggle and suffering permeates my 25 years on Earth. Its mostly been shitty and its never been okay.

Over and over I’ve worked toward the hope that it will be okay one day. But, to be honest, I haven’t made any real progress. I’m glad I did try so hard though. I wouldn’t want to go out without a fight.

So please spare me the “don’t do it, it will get better” crap in the comments. I know they’re well intentioned, but fuck off. I’m not here to be talked off the ledge. There will always be a chance at things getting better. But after what I’ve been through? I’m not prepared to make that bet anymore.

I guess I’m just here to make my thoughts concrete. Writing for an audience can have that effect. I’m glad there’s a place for me to do this anonymously. Thanks for reading!