For general topics related to the site.
He adopted me. I was going grocery shopping and when I opened my door to step outside, he raced into the apartment and now refuses to leave. I guess I’ve got room for one more.
For general topics related to the site.
Im so fucking sad. I think it’s the worst day of my life .My heart is totally broken. My favourite human on the world,who is my boyfriend, told me he wants to be only my friend. I started crying and sobbing. We finally didnt breake up but he said he wants me to change because im making him suffer and in other words that im destroying his life. He also supoused that i cant be his exception and that he also has a life. He broke my fucking heart so much! I love him so much! He also does … but the fact of me making him suffer it kills me!! Im such an epidemic !! Im destroying everyones life and i will never forgive myself about that. My parents life, my friends life, he’s life … EVERYONES!
I wrote a letter yesterday to my grandma telling her to not blame herself for my decision. No one was to blame for what I have done. I lost my papa in 2017 and I have not coped well since then. I died with him and I have finally understood what that meant. My boyfriend has tried to help me but I don’t share my feelings. So my decision comes from only me. I am alone and have always been alone. No matter how many people I surround myself with, I have always felt alone.
It makes things like this easier because I don’t have anyone to say anything to me that might change my mind. And honestly I questioned everyday why I was even here? Why was I born to hurt? Why my parents left me at 3? Why Michael let me be abused by his gf and her sons? Why didn’t Deanna want me? Why birth me if you didn’t want me? Why did I have to have pain? Why did Michael have to run in and out of my life, continuously failing me as a father? Why is my grandma getting remarried? It’s only been a year since my papa passed. I wish you all could hear how she talks about her new life now. She’s happy but she’s quick to tell me , papa is gone and she’s about to get a new family. Am I not her family anymore? Everything is changing and it hurts. It all hurts. I can’t tell anyone how I feel because they’ll make me feel guilty. I don’t want to bother anyone with my problems because I know someone has it worse then me and I feel guilty for even sharing this.
I don’t need anymore reason to finish everything. I made my peace with it and I can’t even say sorry about it. Who is honestly going to miss me? It’s been proven time and time again that thing are always fault and it’s easy to cast me aside.
I don’t share my feelings for a reason because nobody cares. At least when I wrote my feelings down I get it out but it doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing does.
I think things would be better off without me. My parents wouldn’t have to feel guilty about me. There wouldn’t be a reason to since I’m no longer here. I feel that would make them feel better. As for my grandma she’s looking forward to her future and I don’t think it would bother her much for me not to be apart of it. It already sounds like I’m not so there’s really no reason for me to stay right? I don’t think so either.
Sometimes I draw imaginary people, and I literally fall in love with my drawings. I spend time looking at it. It drives me crazy, I need to love an actual person. Well I should try to know people, make friends, blah blah. Fuck that, I can’t. I aint got the ability to. I need someone to love.
I can’t even relate with myself. What am I doing?
I’m starting to get scared… if I meet my boyfriend on Aug 1st, then that’s only like 12 days way… omg really.
That’s crazy… last time we met was May 2018, sooooooo much has happened between then. Dunno what adjective to use lol.
I don’t know how to feel.
I know there’s many who have got it alot worse than me. So I feel bad for even writing here. I always feel bad for writing here. I just like to vent about my stupid so called ‘life’.
I believe he’s the only one in the world who could possibly make my life better (in real life, that is…) and that’s really sad… I’ve tried to make my own life better to no avail. It’s not working. It will never work. I just apologise for my mum for being a crappy daughter… but I know she wanted me to be happy. I know she wanted me to have a guy, maybe even have kids lol… I don’t want kids… but with that guy… yeah I wouldn’t mind… so fucked up, I know!
I didn’t want to rely on him for that (happiness)… but, I’m not nearly the only one. Many do it, and it’s a mistake. My life has been a stream of endless mistakes and I never learn.
I suppose if I’d want any rest, I should try and get it for the next few days, I’m not going to get any rest when he’s around ahahaha (unless I’m sleeping, that is… usual 8-10 hours or whatever).
I seriously wonder how I’m meant to stand 14-15 hours on a plane? I hope there’s some form of entertainment… or I’m going to go mad. Just imagine staring at the seat in front of me for that time…
7 hours was bad enough… too sleepy to do anything, I had to get up a few times and walk up and down the isles in the plane.
If only I could sleep for that whole time but it never ever works that way. Plane seats aren’t very good to sleep in…
I wish that I was never born. I really am a waste of ‘life’.
working 7 days a week
living out of my car
resentment of myself
it wouldn’t have to be this way, if i had made better choices. if i had better circumstances. life has the potential to be enjoyable and full of pleasure, but can just as easy become a living hell. to go back to when i was 15 and change my choices that led to this. i could literally change everything, i could build a career, start a family in time, and gain happiness in myself. but life isn’t a fictional story, and some things just aren’t meant to be. i love you death, please take me soon <3
I hadn’t planned to write another post here. No, my life didn’t get worse, it actually got better although I got my own share of disappointments lately.
I have truly recovered much of my life. Perhaps you wonder why I do still stay here if everything is so much better?
The thing is that although there are GOOD people in this world, I still couldn’t really find them, get closer to them. As a matter of fact, I find you (as suicidal, miserable and complaining as you are) much better than the so called “normal” people of our societies.
Take for the example the average Joe. He has a job, perhaps a good one. He pursues money his whole life. He goes to some party where he meets his meaningless friends. He doesn’t have time for less unfortunate people although he gives once in a year some money to some beggar on the street for good luck in life.
He doesn’t have a religion or philosophy or at least some ideal because these days it’s cool to be materialist, care only for money and buy stuff and rather believe in nothing or even if he has a religion, philosophy or some ideal, he goes to the church once in a week, or once in a month or once in year where he gets to meet other “religious” people all pretending that they care for higher things. If he has a philosophy, it’s usually after mixing many philosophy books, going nowhere and really believing in nothing after all.
If he has some ideals, they are relative.
He leads a relative good life until he meets disaster. If he is lucky he goes back to his previous life, if not… you know where he arrives.
Statistics show that these days despite “material progress” suicide rates have increased.
For example, the average person (the average Joe) who believes in nothing, has no ideal, if he looses his job and income, he is NOTHING. He no longer can survive like our ancestors.
If he looses his sanity, he is NOTHING.
I still choose to come here on this website because at least here people are more real. You know… you have conversations about life’s problems. You are not afraid to name these problems, no matter how horrible they are.
“Normal people” tend to avoid talking about really DEEP problems, about really DEEP suffering.
They are content to turn on the news, watch some disasters, talk about them, sometimes be content they are in a better position than those unfortunate ones.
Most other forums on the internet are filled with superficial people, talking nonsense, trying to achieve something in life but most of the times failing and then envying others. Even the good forums and places are infested. In the last time, there are more and more, actually there are legions of New Age websites, which talk nonsense(the ascension of planet earth…, DNA awakening, aliens, angelic guides, conspiracy theories) and infest the internet leading thousands of people to mental illness and in the best case to a so called “positive attitude” of silly expectation where they stop caring for others, the unfortunate ones, deemed to be too “negative”.
Old fashioned religious people try to teach and preach lessons on the other hand and are afraid that the new age communities will make them loose influence over their congregations.
So, no wonder why you are here on suicide project. This world although sometimes very very beautiful, is more times very, very crazy.
So, now you know why I prefer talking to you and staying here than pretending that I part of “normal” society and that I like “normal people”.
You are much more normal than them 🙂 .
And I forgot to mention pornography, which is everywhere on the internet. Recent studies reveal that actually far from being healthy(as so well meaning “experts” try to teach us) along with masturbation, it’s actually very harmful to the mind and body and even led many times to divorce, social anxiety, lust and obsessive thinking.
Why do you think so much of pornography is for free?
Many people get angry so easily…although they pretend to be normal and have a normal life. They also abuse others with their anger and put fear in them.
So, if you who reads this post manage to be 5 % better than the average person of our societies, you already deserve lots of RESPECT and everything which is beautiful and wonderful in life.
So, although so much progress and wonderful things have happened in my life, I still come here on Suicide Project.
I really like to read your real life stories although many times I feel ashamed of my myself because now I am in a better position.
I am abused. I’m in an abusive relationship with my boyfriend.
Every day, I get abused by him. Not just physically, mentally too. It’s gotten worse recently… He used to call me fat, he used to call me ugly. But now it has gotten so bad that. He will scream at me, begging me to kill myself. He tells me constantly that I’m disgusting, that nobody wants me (not even him), that I’m worthless, a disappointment, I’m an unwanted, shitty person and that I’m a complete waste of space. On top of all this, my boyfriend started physically abusing me about a year ago. He used to just give me a few scratches that would gradually heal, but that soon became deep, painful cuts and scratches on almost every part of my body. Sometimes when he gets mad or frustrated with me, he will punch or slap me, usually to my face. Most frightening out of everything, he has tried to kill me on multiple occasions now. He forced pain killers down my throat for about a week, every night more and more, until he gave up on that. He then tried but slitting my wrists a few nights and my throat once. A few nights ago, my boyfriend tried to kill me again, he found some serious prescribed drugs and they were close to working. He was going to try shoving the rest of the packet down my throat the next night but I threw them away. Although he hasn’t succeeded, I’m afraid he will one day as he reminds me almost everything night that he wishes to, screaming “I want you to die!”. I just know he wants me dead more than anything now…
This story is true but has been changed in one way. There is no boyfriend. So where you see “he” or “my boyfriend”, replace it with “I”. Now the story is true…
I am abused. I’m in an abusive relationship with MYSELF.
Depression and anxiety puts people in situations where they are in what can be described as an abusive relationship with themselves. Abuse is never okay, no matter who it’s by.
My last post was on Christmas Eve 2012. It was a Christmas wish list. I didn’t get any of the things on it.
Meanwhile, I’ve gone through another cycle of recovery and decline. Guess which part of the cycle I’m at now? Whilst I’m not quite ready to catch the bus, I’ve spent much of the past 7 years researching and planning. Some of this includes installing safety mechanisms to ensure I don’t go too soon or too hastily, whilst ensuring that I can still leave when I’m truly ready.
Looking back on my old posts from when I was at my previous nadir was interesting. It’s as if the man that wrote those posts was me, only visiting from a parallel universe. A universe in which this man was still able to feel emotion. A universe in which his emotions were – by the standards of our universe – misplaced to the point of triggering moral outrage in some. However, in his universe, our concept of emotion would be written off as being utterly ludicrous.
It’s through this lens that I made an observation: it’s time for me to tie off a couple of loose threads from my last series of posts. I’m still married to the same woman, and that hasn’t changed. If anything, both of us have become 7 years more jaded. The couple that becomes jaded together stays together, I guess. Apathy will do that.
The most interesting plot twist refers to the Other Woman. The one I referenced in a number of my old posts. She’s married now. As an added bonus, I get along really well with her husband. The reason I get along so well with him is because he’s the version of me that I wish I was. His values, his sense of humour, his work ethic … all identical to my own. However, he was true to himself from the get go and has now achieved significant success in a well-regarded profession. He also possesses the refinement that I wish I had, yet sorely lack.
I’m not envious; in fact, their wedding ceremony was one of the few things that was able to temporarily cheer me up over the past few years.
Did I have a role in resetting this woman’s expectations? Is it a coincidence that she’s gone from dating a string of men that looked like me but didn’t have my personality, to marrying a man that looks nothing like me yet has my (few) best traits and none of my worst ones? Maybe I’m giving myself too much credit.
Yes, I know this is a terribly self-indulgent post. I also know there’s a good chance that nobody that read my previous posts will see this, as they may have either been successful in either resetting their lives or ending them. But it gives me a sense of closure, as well as a chance to compare where I am in 2019 as opposed to where I was in 2012.
I find it so hard to keep hold of a consistent view of reality. I’m not psychotic – I don’t see or hear things that aren’t there. But I am extremely neurotic. My perceptions of this world and it’s nature are constantly fluctuating, from moment to moment, and I don’t know how to cope with that. No matter how many times I hammer out my reasons for continuing to live, and write them down to try to reinforce them, within a few hours I’ll be gripped by despair again and emotionally convinced I’d be better off dead. It’s an endless loop.
I believe my parents would be devastated by my loss, and I don’t want to do that to them. I’m afraid of death, of the experience of dying, of it not being the end. I’m still attached to this existence, and to unrealistic dreams of a life.
But I don’t seem to be strong enough to survive in this world. There seems to be such enormous capacity for suffering all around, and it terrifies me. I want an escape. I want protection. I want to preemptively remove myself from existence before it can hurt me any worse.
I don’t know how to live with that fear – it’s utterly crippling. And I have nothing personal to face it for. I have no prospects, no future, and I’ve put myself beyond any kind of honourable life. No emotional honesty or authenticity possible here. I’m continuing to live purely because at the moment it’s the marginally less terrifying option.
But in doing so I’m making my existence needlessly painful. Because this door in my mind is still open, constantly questioning and examining whether it would be better to end things. So every little negative is picked up and emphasised to the fullest.
I need to draw a line under this somehow, but I don’t know how. I can’t function like this – terrified and despairing of this world, but too afraid to end it. I need strength. I need resolve. I need enough emotional consistency to go a few days without struggling to remind myself why I haven’t ended it as quickly and painlessly as possible.
Let’s face it, what I really need is a personality transplant – to have the brain of someone capable of clarity of perception and not hyper-reactive to every potential threat. But I’m stuck experiencing the world as I do – a terrifyingly bewildering place that I mostly just want to avoid.
What is this feeling?
Maybe I fancy you
When you try to search me when im disappear
When you insist to call me when i jail myself
When you try to make me laugh
When you wonder what happen
When you ask if i cry
When you tell your story
When you always hear my story
When you always there
If i keep this as a secret
Until that time come
Will you still be there for me
Will you still fancy me
What should i do
I started to like your voice
It doesnt matter who like who first
the easiest way to describe how i feel is just
im so fucking done with just everything
why cant it just be over
i dont give a fuck anymore
i have accepted defeat
there is no future
i have no future
im ok with it
why cant i just skip to the part where
im in my appartment, or homeless
i dont care
i just want to be alone
if a tree falls and nobody is around to witness it and nobody ever finds it, did it really ever happen?
if i am a failure, and nobody is around to care. was i really ever a failure?
people need to stop caring about me
once that happens i can just be me. i like me.
even if i was a homeless druggie, i would like me.
i wish i could just teleport out into nowhere
or somewhere were nobody cared about me
i could finally just be a failure in peace.
I live with pain. Not “a” pain, but most days pains in every place I am aware of; some days I hurt in places I had no idea I had. Then today came.
Today, things were beyond belief. I had pain that completely shocked me. In fact, it frightened me. I felt like I had swallowed Satan himself after he’d been kicked in the balls by a priest and he was trying to claw his way out of my torso.
For eight solid hours I begged the powers of the universe to strike me dead. I frantically crawled through the house looking for something I would have the stones to use to turn the lights out.
Things have subsided slightly. Just slightly. So now I have a new threshold to face whenever it rears its ugly head.
I can’t wait for tomorrow. I wouldn’t miss it for anything.
– except for maybe a speeding bus to fall in front of.
There were a couple reasons why I wanted to be friends with you in the first place, some three or four years ago. Four years ago, you offered to help me when I was in…one of the worst states of my life. Top two worst times, I would say. You were kind, compassionate, and understanding of a completely alien situation. The second reason is because you are a noble human. And that is a special thing, one of the rarest things I have ever seen, especially in an adult human. You struggle, and you try to live honestly. You look for the good in people. You’ve had it hard, yet you still try to see something in humanity. When I look at humans, it’s a blessing if I don’t throw up a little in my mouth. You may not think you’re particularly compassionate, but I can tell you that you are. But most of all, you’re a good person. Or, you try to be. I don’t know if you are or not, and I’m sure like me, you have skeletons. We all do. But you try to be. I would say you go out of your way sometimes to try to be good. You don’t take the easy road, just because it’s easy. That’s a noble way to live.
You’re not perfect. You’re too trusting, naive even. I’ve told you that before. You’re quick to anger, quick to frustration, easily moved. This makes you fragile and brittle, even though you’re strong. Your self esteem is nonexistent. You more then anyone should remember that you are smarter then you think, stronger then you seem, and braver then you believe.
I’m a negative person. I don’t believe you’ll stay the way you are. As you grow older, you will need to make concessions to life, and you will become…less kind. Less noble. I believe that, eventually, old age will get you. It will get us all. As we grow older, either we become a pessimist. Or a narcissist. Or a materialist. We can’t escape it. It is hard wired into our monkey mind.
I think you sense this. Life pushes you, and you push back. That’s noble. That’s honorable. But then you die. And when you die, there is no hope for you to keep struggling to do good. You won’t be able to help anyone anymore, or even have a chance to be good. Or live with grace. None of your plans will ever work out. You’ll just be dead. I know you’re okay with that, but think about it. Think very carefully about it. Why are you pushing back? Because you don’t need to make the concessions when you can just die. But isn’t that the biggest concession of all? “I give up on trying to help others.” “I give up on my independence.” “I give up on living free of debts.” “I give up on this plan, or that plan, etc.” What concession are you not making, if you give it all up due to life flipping you off? You know this is true. You know this is the easy way out, and you don’t do that. Not if I know you.
I think you’re doing great.
Diem S. Sky
We were both obsessed with each other. I had a psychotic episode and mistakenly fled you. You got married to someone else and im left by myself and on top of losing you i lost my battle with schitzoaffective disorder. I refuse to be one of the homeless people that basicaly live at the psych clinic and sleep on the street with prostitutes and junkies.
I feel this way all thr damn time! I’m sicken tired of having to use the booze to calm down. I’m so damn scared all the time. I don’t think i can ever heal. The pills don’t fucking work! I need the harder stuff thats actually legal like Xanax. My situation is so bad because I get all tense and people think I’m pissed at the world due to my facial muscles. When I’m super nervous my face gets tense too and so i end up looking like im mad….but im not. I hate my body for this but if my mind could simply stop thinking stupid things all the damn time then this wouldn’t even be an issue. My mind just wont shut the fuck up. I’m paranoid all the time unless I drink alcohol. The pills they gave me only worked once and after that it seemed like my body became immune to its effects. I feel like I have the worst biological make up on this planet. Whats the point of living if I can’t even interact with other humans or if I make people uncomfortable! Life is a *****! I’m a bad apple. I’ll never be good enough for this world because I’m such a fucking *****. I hate myself.