General

This is to anybody who give a fuck!

All my life i’ve felt like i don’t belong.  Starting as far back as I can remember i’ve been a loner, not by choice. I had one friend before i was 10 but then i moved away and lost contact with him. Then in my teens i had one good friend who went and died in a motorcycle accident. That was when i was 16 yrs old and now i’m 47 and only have one friend who actually calls me. All the rest of my acquaintances are just that, acquaintances! A little more about me. I’m an alcoholic who only drinks occasionally now, but when i do its binge drinking. I usually want to die when i drink, during and after. Back in 2013 i ended up in the ICU with alcohol poisoning.  After that i ended up homeless. I couch surfed for a while at acquaintances houses but they either got sick of me or i just felt bad asking anyone. So I ended up in the city sleeping on sidewalks and begging for change. My life was literally in the gutter. After a couple suicide attempts that obviously failed, no surprise! The Department of Mental Health in my state took my case and i ended up in there system of shelters,  group homes and halfway houses. Now i’m in my own apartment with DMH services. I have a nurse that comes daily to dispense my Medications. I can’t even be trusted to do my meds on my own because i have a history of overdosing on them. I take 13 different pills a day, I feel like a zombie.  Suicide is always on my mind. I can’t hold a job so i’m on disability. Anyway I guess what this is all about is that I’ll be gone when you are reading this. Good luck to y’all in this fucked up world!

ME

i have been trying to understand why am i such a bitter, lonely, negative and so miserably hopeless – trying to understand why and when did i get like that.. the first thing that i think crushed me was being rejected at a young age and equally so the fear of being rejected in the future – it stayed with me all of my life. funny thing is when i was a teenager i had some good friends but as i became more and more depressed all of my fair weather friends shunned me as if i had leprosy or something. i always came to my friends help and loyalty was a point of pride for me. in the following decades i had made some friends but i had trust issues and only one person showed me the kindness of loyalty, sadly he had moved to the UK and we whatsapp once in a while.   with the ladies i never had much luck either, my troubled childhood and the fucked up way i was brought up made it impossible for me to be in a loving or intimate relationship without being terrified of being abandoned or rejected. the last time it happend to me (being rejected coldly and without warning) i couldnt take it and turned to drink and drugs – 7 years later i am still addicted to narcotics and have not one friend in this world. i believe rejection and abandonment (real or perceived) are the root causes for most of the social misery we are all suffering from or maybe its just me. this modern age with all of the social media had turned us into egocentric, disloyal and immoral beasts.

“Homo homini lupus” its latin for “Man is wolf to man.”

thanks for reading,

jonesy

I woke up today feeling a wreck.
Last night I stayed up writing what I would like to say in court if there is any sort of hearing on this restraining order that is set to expire.
I’ve already formulated a response if this person tries to talk to me as well, which will probably never even happen.
It’s hypervigilance. The anxiety about the whole thing is very overwhelming.

The best outcome is probably to least likely to happen, which makes me feel hopeless. I don’t think this person ever intended to hurt me. I just don’t even really know why we aren’t talking to begin with.  We were pretty good friends for awhile. She told me once that I made her partner jealous, so sometimes I wonder how much of it was based on her own thinking without outside influence. Did she not give me a reason why because she knew she didn’t have a very good one?
I don’t know anymore.

I guess I have learned a few things from the experience:
-Don’t chase someone who doesn’t reciprocate….even if you are dying for closure. Find the closure within yourself.
– Don’t use the silent treatment and/or just abandon people and not tell them why…..it hurts a lot. The thinking about it and worrying, examining every conversation to try to determine what they did wrong.
– Wait longer than a couple months to share your personal feelings.
– Move on without them, and don’t wait for them to come back…..you could be waiting your entire life, and it’s a waste of time to wait for something that is not meant for you.
– Don’t invest energy/time into people who are committed to misunderstanding you.

Every day is a struggle and every morning a disappointment. I feel like an empty shell, crawling day by day to survive, in a world I don’t want to be in, but I was forced to. Lost my faith because after over 30 years of begging for my suffering to stop, I’m still here. I’m on my own and contemplating every single day…

Found this site a few years ago and I’m crying every time I read it. But somehow, în a weird way, I cry of pain, empathy and relief în the same time. Because I realize I’m not alone as we’re many în this shit together. Stay strong! I’m trying to…even if it’s damn hard.

We shouldn’t even exist

No matter how much i take, i still wake up

I feel so useless. I am just wasting my life away. I thought I was okay in where I am in my life, but when I look at my friends, I’m jealous of their accomplishments. I feel like I’m not doing anything, and I feel like trash all the time. I feel like I have to pretend everything is okay, but it’s really not. I know some of my friends are sad too and might feel the same way. I don’t know what to tell them or how to comfort them.

“i had all, and then most of you, some, and now none of you. Take me back to the night we met”

-Lord Huron, the night we met.

(posted a video, don’t know why it won’t show up without clicking the post)

I would give anything to be free of the knowledge of what I’ve done. I don’t know if it’s even guilt. It’s hard to feel guilt, when you don’t know if what you did had any real impact on others. I suppose I wronged a lot of people, in an abstract kind of way. But I don’t know if that’s what I feel bad about that, if it didn’t actually change anything for them. Maybe I’m in denial.

I think I mainly feel bad for me – being the one who has to live (or not) with what he’s done. Having to know what I know about myself. I don’t know how to cope with it, mentally. Being the villain in other people’s stories. Viewing myself that way – it’s hard to accept. But I can’t escape it. What do you do if you’re the monster (other than kill yourself)?

It doesn’t change much – recognizing that what I did, what I want to do, is wrong. Because it also feels so right. No huge lessons were learned, no greater moral clarity was reached. I did try. But my mind resisted. The evil was sunk in too deep. So it’s very wrong (morally speaking), but also very right (emotionally speaking.) And that contradiction exists inside my head, constantly driving me mad.

So I have to live with myself, as someone who shouldn’t exist. I should hate and despise myself, as anyone who knew me would. I shouldn’t want anything good for myself, because I’m complicit in something horrible that’s ruined the lives of others. And no matter what I do, this knowledge will never go away. There’s no escape. No peace.

I just want the awareness to stop.

No, that’s not true. I also want what I did to somehow magically be made morally acceptable. And it’s not. It can’t be. I will never be acceptable, and I will never be acceptable, especially as long as I still want that. I will never be ok. I want the impossible.

My biggest remaining question is: are there reasons why I’m the terrible person that I am? And is there a real way that things could have turned out differently? I don’t remember ever thinking ‘Aha, I’ll be evil!’ I think I did evil things because they appealed to me, and they felt good. I didn’t consider the morality of it, because I couldn’t see any consequences.

One of the only reasons I haven’t killed myself is this guy. I would worry too much about what would happen to him if I died. I also had a nightmare recently that my mom killed herself, and it really made me think twice.

I’m just still really torn up about the restraining order. I know in my last post there were some comments that were helpful. I’m not so much obsessed with the person who has the restraining order….more obsessed with understanding the why. I listened to Taylor Swift’s new song Exile, and it made me tear up a little because it was relatable. Not only did she reject me, but I have been banned from one of my favorite places over it. There are straight up so many people who refuse to even speak to me…..like it kind of hurts. I guess I’m just meant to be a loner.

Not suicide related

There is clearly no point in being emotional over my ex anymore. I have to get into his head. I’ve always wondered how he can manage by showing such little emotion over things, or seemingly none at all (allegedly a sign of a sociopath? haha)
Anything he says or does, its just words. Even if they are ‘nice’ things.
I mean, I foresee that he’ll eventually throw me away in the future anyway, he’s done it to others recently, intentionally or otherwise. Funnily enough it seems like I’m the only person he really talks to lately.
Didn’t really think that the coronavirus situation would cause him to expose himself for who he really is.

(everyone else has been involved with him (I don’t mean in a relationship or close way) was clearly a little stronger than me :P)

Sometimes I come here to only read, sometimes I come here to read and respond to others. Sometimes I feel the need to write something myself but don’t know what exactly… It’s always the st@pid same sh@t.!

My day is fine until someone disappoints me.. I really hate how much some things affect me. I don’t know what is wrong with me, to even be upset about such unimportant cr@p. My sensitivity is beyond normal and I don’t know what to do anymore..

The battle inside me is really insane, no one understands, how much energy it takes up, to not go crazy on them. It’s really destroying me. I’ve let go of so many toxic friendships and yet I come to realize, all of them have a little poison in them.

In these kinds of moments I’m in between blaming them or blaming myself. I feel crazy, yes. But it wouldn’t have to be if people would be nicer and just stopped lying.! Been lied to twice today.

It’s funny, yesterday I was laying in bed with a sense of euphoria and I was super happy and I instantly thought: Sh@t, the day tomorrow will s@ck @ss, with me feeling like that.! And I’m always right.! It did s@ck indeed.!

im inlove with my best friend..
but she’s inlove with someone else..
we’ve been friends since highschool and im inlove with her eversince..
so if one day she sees this..i want you to know that IM INLOVE WITH YOU!!
I love seeing you laugh at my jokes when your sad because of him..
I love it when i listen to your problems..
I love seeing you happy..
I love our late night phone calls..
I love everything about you even your flaws..
How i wish that you are mine.. He’s lucky to have you..
I love you and Im happy for you!

Whenever I’m thinking, which I always am, I get so extremely sad.                                                       Or maybe it’s the other way around, I’m always sad and therefore my thoughts are too.

But the thing is, I do try to lift myself up and think “happy thoughts”. But they’re just not there.
When I think about something that makes me sad, I tell myself “ok think about something else”. But everything I can think of, is sad.         There’s nothing I can think of that’s a little bit positive, at all.

So how the hell should I be happy, when there’s nothing to be happy about ?

hello! its me again after what?8 months..thankfully im alive..not trying anything dangerous..how’s life going? mine was good sometimes and mostly bad or i dont even know if is good or bad..

Some people and my relatives are functionally stupid, I can’t believe I’m part of this “family” but I admit I’m stupid too but in my own unique way.