General

Hello my name is Chiara , and as you may know , my half-sister posted things I wrote abt my own sister : Niela , who killed herself as my half-sister Sheena did , I really dunno why am i hoping to find answer to Niela’s death , about Sheena , i gonna keep her VK to make it looks like she still with us , my half-mother posted something on Sheena’s account , may you can give it a look 😉

have a nice day, Chiara Aysla Palenkova </3

Just don’t have anymore left in me. I always forget the exact feeling of hopelessness until I fall right back into it. I know it feels awful and that there’s this weight that drags me down. But the exact sensation of hopelessness is always forgotten. This sensation however feels slightly off. Like somehow more crushing. Maybe because it’s almost the end. I think the only reason why I post here is because I’m alone. There’s no where else where I can put these thoughts, so I do it here. I keep writing things down and then […]

I hate watching my mom cry. I know I am the reason she is crying. I have to make things seem like they sorted themselves out so I can play to her unconscious(?) desire for things to be okay so she’ll stop wanting to cry. I always make people cry. People never make me cry. I couldn’t cry if I wanted to, and I quite frequently do. I would pay someone to make me cry. That sounds nice. I seem to have the opposite problem as everyone else, but crying isn’t a bad thing in my eyes. I think crying could help you feel a […]

I miss you, Austin. Your wealth of knowledge and humor still sticks with me, and how close we became because of those two things. You gave me the best childhood anyone could ask for… I remember your phase of make up and drag… A rare gem, I don’t think anyone else could possibly compare to your coolness. And Anytime I feel distanced from everything, I think about you. I miss feeling understood. Everywhere was home with you. I’d do anything to go back to […]

I hurt myself over and over, my body is riddled with scars that remind me every day of the pain I feel. I don’t know whether to hate them or love them. They’re part of me, the part most people can’t accept. I’ve tried to get better before it got this bad, but I failed, I’m not strong enough to break free from this violent addiction. I’m supposed to be better now, but I’m not. Last week I could have sworn my depression was cured, I was happy, genuinely happy which I hadn’t felt in a long time, but one small comment is all it […]

     Three months ago tomorrow, I ran away. My parents had just found a bunch of pills in my room that I had secretly bought from the store. I thought it was hopeless, I couldn’t even kill myself without getting caught. Three suicide attempts and three other close ones, and I can’t even rid the world of myself. I’m supposed to be recovering after being hospitalized for three days, spending 45 days in residential, 5 therapists, and having all the support I could ask for. But the thing about having support is that it isn’t that it doesn’t matter if you can’t bring yourself […]

See this watch she gave me? Well, it still ticks away..
The days I’m claiming back for me.

… The medication’s wearing off. Gonna hurt not a little, a lot. Keep on tickin’ you’re not lickin’ me…
Sunrise at the corner of Sunset and Alvarado
I think “What the hell do I do now?”
Watch the day disintegrate
So I can stay up late and wait…
https://youtu.be/OEa8TLuYFMc

I just feel sick. Like I’m diseased or something. Just no good. The weeks are going by slowly. Slow march towards my failure. I have to make a decision by Friday. So paralyzed with indecision and fear. Makes me feel like nothing. I have to be realistic, but that tiny sad sliver of hope still persists. I’m just no good. The constant noise in my head just won’t stop. I’m scared. Can’t feel a thing.

For last 4 years I was at my parents house. Now I’ve again left it.

There was nothing there. There is nothing here. There is nothing bloody anywhere. No salvation in this trapped existence. Where do I go? What do I do? What is worth doing? Nothing. There is nothing worth doing.

It’s not such a bad thing tbh. It’s just human nature I guess to never be satisfied, never be at peace.

Whatever I do is just a distraction. I’ve purchased a VR headset and I quite like playing a table tennis game in it. Recently reached top 500 rank. Or youtube videos. I try to feel […]

There’s a guy my SO prefers I wouldn’t talk to. 100% understandable.

Well my SO was a little busy so I went to where I talk to the other guy. I was thinking “maybe I’ll message him and see how work is going”.

In this same moment I was also changing the radio station because the oldies were on and while I like them, I like them on my time. The very first song that plays. Literally nothing else, I changed it the second this song started. Mr brightside by the killers.

Yeah….. I decided to not message the other guy and messaged my SO instead. I can’t […]

https://kissasian.pe/drama/thread-of-lies-episode-1

Please watch this mother and sister.

Mother
You always blame me for how i become now. […]

sometimes I hate these small comforts, the things that keep me out of the hospital…..

Hot showers and baths

bike rides

playing with my dogs

video games

movies

coffee, it’s nearly impossible to get good coffee in the hospital

nicotine, in the hospital it’s nicotine patches, not pleasant at all

as long as it could get worse, I try to hold on. Earlier today I visited a person who has screwed his life up more completely than I have, and while I admire the boldness, I can’t do it. The guy has alienated everyone that would even try to be his friend, to the point he’s working awful hours, with very little comfort. […]

So far when ever I ask for advice on what to choose, I always get the same answer. “You know yourself best, so it’s up to you”. I understand the sentiment, but I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I hate how pathetic and sad and worthless I am. I wasn’t able to get a hold of her. Lately, I feel like less and less I want to talk to her. Maybe that’s a good thing. It shouldn’t be up to her to make me feel better. I can feel myself losing it a little. […]

Cheers to fighting this until then

On the one hand:

I want to get better. I hate these cravings and thoughts that control me. I want to be my own person not a bunch of disorders (please don’t tell me I’m not, that shows a lack of understanding in my case). I want to live a happy life with my straight SO (straight as in he doesn’t drink or do drugs or anything)

On the other hand:

I hate this. The cravings that can be so easily satisfied and gone. The thoughts I can drown in. Idc idc idc I just want to drown. I just want to be hurt and used. I want […]

I honestly don’t see much of a point in life at this point.Of course I love my friends and family but I still don’t love myself.I’m too lazy to put any effort into getting myself better.

its currently 4:00pm and I’m still in bed, blankets over the windows in the dark crying. sounds pathetic right? well to be honest I don’t want to move because I can’t, hear but the muffled noises from the TV and then its quiet… its nothing im in the dark again wondering why now? why now out of all times? and thing like why cant i be normal? Normal being able to get out of bed and enjoy life without worries and cares. but alas i cant live like that it seems impossible.

Reclaiming the past

If I found out I joined this game on purpose and it isn’t some prison for souls I’m gonna be furious.