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“The obsession with suicide is characteristic of the man who can neither live nor die, and whose attention never swerves from this double impossibility.” – Emile M. Cioran
But still, I hate when I have dreams so vivid and real it’s like I’m seriously there. I could feel everything last night in my one particular dream. Feeling the slice and stab of the knife as I tried defending myself. That after-the-fact pain, the bleeding. I could see the bleeding. It was so real, the way it seeped down my side and soaked into my shirt. I strangely enjoyed that.
Self harm withdrawal? Medication side effects? A combination of both? Who knows.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VjTG21T8aU
Have you ever felt so ugly and unwanted, that you couldn’t leave the house? You feel as if everyone is staring at you, wondering why you look this way instead of that way. I worry about that every day, and it’s gradually getting worse. I can’t leave the house most days. I haven’t always hated my appearance, it became noticable when I began to truly notice my appearance. I’m 13, and I have alopecia. During the summer, my hair started to get noticably thinner and now it’s almost completely gone. My mother thought it’d save my confidence if we just shaved it all- which in […]
Black bass. Black race. The gothic empire, the last in dire. The devour, of all, has settled. The sound of the new age, before, the march of the horse. The next one thousand years. Evolve me. To fight back. To die for it. The predecessors have all been taken. Tears and love, Princess Diana. The cannon. The lion. The sabre of light; the ultimate hope. You, too. Now we know, a group of killer narcissist does not want to lose control. Pig-head monsters. I am the undertaker, call me the stone cold stunner. We will go right under. […]
Hey y’all. I’ve been a long time lurker and just decided to make an account. Reading some of the things here seems to help me sleep at night and reminds me that there’s always an alternative to life.
My title to this post is tired of life and that statement couldn’t be any truer for me right now. Fourth of July just past and I celebrated it with my blood relatives, relatives and their friends. The party was at my aunts house and she has a pool and yard for fireworks. Many people would be excited to enjoy the beautiful day out in the sunshine, […]
I’m starting to feel that burden of being all alone.
I don’t even know where to begin anymore..
Without that other person, it’s hard to understand where exactly I’ve been all these years..who have I been?
Will I ever really be whole again?
Seeking a roommate. I’m looking to move out of Southern California and checking out rooms in New Mexico right now. There are some pretty good deals if maybe we can split rent two ways; split 750 so 375 dollars. I’m open to other suggestions, too.
Is it possible for someone who has shown no emotion for the past 17 years to show emotion again? I’ve kept my feeling balled up for so long and only concentrated on depression and hate. I hated that some of the best people I knew were killing themselves to escape reality. Why can’t i do the same? Some of me has the want, the dreams, the desire to end it all. But there is a very small an vague side that just won’t allow me to. How long can this side stay strong before the darkness rolls through like a tornado an rips apart the […]
It’s 6am here and I’ve been awake since 1am. I go to bed very early and love to get up and go on the computer during those blessed early morning hours when the rest of the world is asleep. That’s pretty much the only time I feel anything approaching to contentment and relaxation these days.
I’ve yanked up the pep pill dosage and have been rewarded with a little window of enjoyment. I know it will quickly be replaced with the anxieties, frustrations and despairing thoughts that every day now holds for me, so I might as well make the most of it.
My elderly ma is […]
For as long as I remember I was frightened. I feared other people as I wasn’t nearly as good as any of them. Then I joined the military and I was more scared. But then I started drinking and the fear left me. Being gay in a straight world (and a drunk) is not healthy. I was very frightened others would find out I was gay. My gay relationships were few – with occasional encounters – and after each encounter I feared people would know and I would have to leave the military. I never talked about my sexuality. Then through my alcohol addiction and a “disastrous” night I was […]
My life is a thrill ride, I swear. Three weeks ago, I had friends checking in on me to see if I had killed myself, yet…A week ago, I was on top of the world. I was feeling great. I had no worries and didn’t even feel the back twinge of depression. Now, I’m back down. This time, I feel like I was tossed off a skyscraper and the impact is forever engraved into my bones. I am back to not feeling any type of emotion except apathy and sadness. I am at a loss and I don’t know if I can crawl out of […]
Um, hello.
I’m not quite sure if anyone is going to read this, or how this works in general, but I am just going to say what I feel like saying.
Usually, what was happening to me in the past couple of years, was that I would become moderately anxious and depressed when the end of the school year came around. I would go to my psychotherapist, and by the end of summer, I would feel just fine. This process repeated for about 2 years.
But this year, I feel like it’s not like the “process” at all.
I started feeling worthless and depressed towards the beginning of the year, and then […]
i took pills last night, left extra food and water out for the cat, taped a sign to my chest that read ” i hope i die tonight Fuck you ALL!”
ever tried to kill yourself and it failed? how do you feel when you wake up and know it didnt happen…or you didnt cut deep enough…or whatever method you tried? i am a TOTAL FAILURE as i have tried so many times and obviously, ALWAYS been UNsucessful!!!
no one cares or listens to me in my life….why bother being here (life) if all i get is crapped on? Why dont others see my pain… that they […]
I don’t know your thoughts these days.
We’re strangers in an empty space.
I don’t understand your heart,
It’s easier to be apart.
i cant handle life alone.
i desperately want to die.
i self-harm to feel better and make the pain of being an outcast and all alone.
i wonder why it is ME that cant have friends….obviously, I MUST BE DEFECTIVE…but how do i locate the defect?
i need the pain to STOP….since i’ve tried everything else, i want SUICIDE to take it (all the pain and sh!!t in my life) away….forever…..a permanent solution to an ongoing problem…i see ZER0 hope in this ever changing into something good and worthwhile.
i thought humans were “mentally wired” to be with other people…then WHY does my higher power allow ME to be destitute […]
Why do you want to die why not talk over some pie or we can just get high oh its illegal thats why lets just talk over pie lets forget about lifes lies, talk about the fallacies of our mind the pain that you just cant be left behind or maybe you can say just say hi dont be shy tell me why you want to die I kinda ran outta pie by the way my name is guy
I was doin good for a little while or … Well it seemed so… I dont think I’ve ever been “doing good” i dont know. Does anyone ever just feel like they are living some kind of joke. Some kind of fake thing. Life to me is kinda wierd. I’m not in control of my own mind/habits/thoughts and that in itself scares the shit out of me. My parents really have gone the extra mile for me. They provide me. Safe haven while i try to regroup myself and im 28 so its embarressing as hell. They try their best to encourage me. Im a […]
When I was little I had 2 sisters, and one mom. The hardest thing about all of these things are that I could of helped them by maybe not even being born. It’s so hard to look at other kids, teenagers or something. I have a bad life because of all of the things that were exposed at the time. I blame my self that she went down because of me. We had literally nothing to do but lay down somewhere and keep warm or even cold. I want to see her so bad, It hurts a lot, I’m lost and confused. All I ask […]
20. Female.
Do you know the pain of living every single day with nothing to look forward to or any plans? Its my life on a daily basis. A life of an invisible person.
Every day I live my life in isolation when I know there isn’t anyone in this world that cares. In the past I thought that I had “friends”. Truth is, they were acquaintances, not real friends. You know the type of relationship where you give a lot but you get minimum in return? Ive had too many of these.
I have no family so I never grew up with a family experience. […]