General

I have no idea what I should do with my life. I know I’m interested in certain things or topics and those are the classes I take but I’ll be a junior in college this fall and I still haven’t figured out what I for sure want to do. It is so stressful. And I’m scared my four years of college will be up and I still don’t know what I want to do… How am I supposed to go out into the “real world?” Just trying to think about these kinds of things I get freaked out and so anxious and it just makes […]

I have had a hard life. Some I brought on myself and some just seemed to happen to me.

In the past few years, things began to turn around and I found myself, what I love was building and growing.

Then I got hit by a car. Hit and run while I was on my bicycle. It turned into a three ring circus with the police behaving badly, my girlfriend behaving so badly I ditched her, I lost my business I put everything into over the pas ttwo years because I couldnt physically and mentally keep up, I was almost evicted last month because there is no […]

whats the objtiv to this if we as suicidel nuts get what we whant its a short sharp bang to the head and deth what dos it feel like ill tell you hit you head agenst concret and thats what it feels like i know this cos if it wernt for the helmit the bullit fird from the ak would of killd me so what happuns well letme lay the seen

you sit in a dark room contomplate you deth lision to a song you feel conects you lode you gun you cry you cry some more you put the gun to your head you stop […]

Last time I posted here I went home and swallowed 69 50mg trazedones. Unfortunately I failed again.. How many times will I fail before I get it right.. its killing me to continuously post here about my failures. I spent a week in the gutters they call behavioral institutes and i feel like im getting worse, I feel robotic.. like a mechanical animal.. i hate swallowing diamonds they’re killing my head.. but then thats where the true reality lies isnt it.. in my head.. yesterday i found a beautiful rose, her thorns work beautifully against my skin, thats all i can do.. keep picking “roses” and […]

Suicide. I’ve been dealing with this ideation for years upon years. Sometimes it’s worse, sometimes it’s better, but it’s always there. At the worst of times, I make a list of things I should do before I die. Not just tying up the loose ends, but things I should see through– birthdays, holidays, new seasons of television shows.

As of today, I’ve crossed off a big one. I’ve been covering for a coworker during their leave for two months. They’re back today, ready to go. I couldn’t kill myself while they were gone, but now… it matters less.

The things on the list seem less significant now.

I […]

Hello,

First post ever……..let’s see how this goes.  Now I feel I’m at a loss for words…..nothing new.  Background info I guess?  Though we must all know by now that I’m feeling pathetically trapped regardless.  I think I’ve been “depressed” since I was 11 though I’ve never been formally diagnosed.  My parents took me to a doctor when I was 13 to see if I qualified for anti-depressants…..without taking me to therapy first.  They did that because they found out I was cutting and burning myself.  I made a really bad burn on my fore-arm, and my parents cared enough to see if I could use […]

I found this Birthday card for my 13th Bday, and once again I’m reminded that once you become a cutter, your life revolves around nothing but cutting. “Oh, this was become I started cutting.” “Oh, by this time I’d been cutting for a year.” It’s “my life before cutting” and “my life after cutting.” And in your life after cutting, it’s all about the cuts. Will I cut today? Will anybody new become suspicious about the long sleeves today? I need to hide my cuts, I need to hide my scars… I need to cut again, and hide it all again, and worry that maybe […]

This is the first time I have visited this site and I am not sure whether to feel relieved that I am not the only one feeling hopeless and suicidal, or if I should be afraid that there are so many of us out there.

I will be turning 30 in September and I have been struggling with depression since I was 15.  I had my first suicide attempt when I was 17, came very close to

dying had it not been for my grandmother.  I wish I could say things got better as the years passed by, but they didn’t.  I kept on getting up every […]

I wish I could say today was the day that I would commit suicide or at least someday soon. Not because I need others to see it but because it would finally mean that I…I…would not have to deal with the whole span of my life? That I could just focus on time determined by suicide date subtract now. I literally have no faith in my ability to commit suicide. I could probably have a gun and I would still mess it up. The best pills I have access to are caffeine pills -.-. I mean maybe I take 100 then sprint until I get […]

 I wrote this thing, showed it to someone, sent them a copy and have now read virtually the same piece of writing(with someones else’s name on), only slightly rehashed. Don’t ask me why the big things that have happened to me have left me crawling around like a wounded animal, but a little thing like theft of my inner most thoughts – has got me PISSED OFF. 

Because I’ve been down and insecure I’ve let certain people make me feel like I should apologize for my existence. Warning; about to state the obvious:  I have every right to be here, breath this air, walk this land as […]