General

Oklahomans don’t understand winter, another reason I want out of this nutty place. Everything was closed Monday for Presidents Day, then the snowstorm came Tuesday and the next day apparently my pharmacy still hadn’t dug themselves out yet. So it was Thursday before I got my medications refilled, and today before I got to try out my new medication.

I say new medication. Supposedly, if my memory which is notoriously spotty is anything to go by is correct I have been on it on some point. At some point when I was briefly hospitalized I got a look at my chart and was incensed to find […]

Do you ever think about where you were a year ago and wonder, “Did I have any idea it was going to be this bad?”. Or 5 years ago or 10 years ago or 20 years ago. The thing about it is, back then you probably thought you had it bad back then too. Weird awkward shit in high school, depressed scared moments in undergrad, manic desperate work in grad. It all seemed like shit back then, but for some reason it feels the shittiest right now. And you’d say that back then too. Nothing I do ultimately matters. […]

As I’ve previously mentioned, a big part of my depression/despair is the lack of any kind of connection or intimate relationship. I fall asleep longing for it, wake up the same, and spend most of the day trying not to think about it.

And one of the main reasons I’m not actively working to find that is there’s things about myself that I know I could never be honest with a prospective partner about, that I know would almost universally be a deal-breaker. Even if there was someone out there crazy/desperate enough to accept these parts of me, I know I couldn’t risk confessing to 100 […]

I don’t know why I am on this planet when I hate living. I have no dreams, no desires, nothing. I don’t even want a job since I have no use for the money I would earn with it. A house? No, what use is a house to someone who hates being alive. A car? No, it is too much of a temptation to use it to drive off something with it. A family? No, I can’t stand humans. Food? No, I have no real desire to eat and only eat to keep up appearances of being human. Fun? No, the pleasure derived from it […]

I built up this shame within myself. All the humiliation, the rage, the bewildered hurt, the self-hatred, the fear. Why are they treating me like that? What had I done to deserve it? Why am I just letting it happen?

All of that poison, I channelled into this parasite growing in my mind. Layer on layer, over years. And gradually it became who I was. I found ways to enjoy letting the hatred seep out, without really being aware of what I was becoming. Worse and worse.

And I made myself into something so shameful that now I’m incapable of ever feeling ok with myself again.

And I […]

I recently turned 19, which has made me feel even worse than I already did. I’m sure it’s a common feeling, but I still feel like I’m 14-16 years old. Until the last 4-6 months, I haven’t been much of an adult or a mature person at all—insofar as being independent and taking care of myself. It’s overwhelming, to say the least—The path I’m going down. I was initially excited to be going into this temporary line of work, but recently it’s morphed into dread and extreme anxiety about ‘what’s going to happen during this time, and what do I have to look forward to […]

Every time I walk out of that room I feel like shit. Granted it’s my own damn fault. But still makes me feel like shit. Every single thing that comes out of my mouth comes of as inane or ignorant or usually both. And then when they have to carefully explain to the dumbass why his ideas are stupid, it comes off as if they are talking to a child instead of a 26 year old man. I’ve talked about this before. The way they view me. They expect nothing of me and have to treat me with […]

Robot problems as usual, but I’m tired of complaining about that so I’ll complain about this. Passed somebody on the street today. Had to do a double take. She looked just like her. Or at least how I remember her. Every time I think about her, I try to remember the last time I did before. They are starting to be further and further apart. But I still think about her from time to time. I don’t feel anything for her anymore. Nothing. Not sadness or anger or longing or whatever. Simply nothing. […]

Today in therapy my therapist brought up one of my great failures, not finishing my double major. Forgive me if I have told the story before. It was the end of my junior year of college, and I was doing really well. I had just come back from presenting my psychology research at conference in Denver Colorado, my GPA was approaching 4.0 I had a lovely fiance, things were going well. I had finished my community college programming school at community college in the Spring it was Fall of 2019.

The class was Computer Architecture, and it was taught by a man to whom English was […]

I always liked Tom Jones, if only because he’s so darned silly. So when I ran into one of his songs in another language my initial reaction was one of outrage on behalf of Jones “how dare they rip off Tom Jones”, imagine my surprise to learn the tune was older and Tom Jones was ripping it off. However, the lyrics are those that he made famous, so he gets the credit for that.

The Italian version translates to “my eyes” and has nothing to do with helping yourself. It does sound nice though. Which do you guys prefer?

I also feel like telling my other Tom […]

Yeah, not expecting much but checking in and wanting to hear from others here, how many of you feel utterly lost? Or just somewhat lost. I can’t necessarily say I have the best clue of how this “life” thing is supposed to work, but right when I was getting any sort of understanding on it, things kind of cave in on me.

I’d like to say I’m not surprised but I am. It gets more surprising each day. I wonder how I’m not completely stunned at this rate.

I’m miserable, in a way I don’t think I can change. And it’s not even that I “want” to kill myself. I’m terrified of death. But it feels like on some level I “should”. And that should is confusing.

It’s not so much moral. Though there’s certainly an argument that I pose a danger to others, sick as I am, I think I’ve pretty effectively isolated myself from negatively effecting anyone. Unless I somehow became actually psychotic and lost all grip on reality, I don’t see that changing.

And in terms of just weighing up the consequences of killing myself, it’s hard to persuade myself it’d be […]

God, life, whatever you are. You win. I’m not gonna fight it anymore. I fought, I tried, I really did. You did a pretty good job of kicking my ass. Props to you.

I gave all I had, though I know it wasn’t a lot. It wasn’t a very good job. But I was stubborn. Stupidly stubborn, really. And kept going, and going. Thought maybe if I fought hard enough, there would be light at the end. That there would be something more, something different than this. But I was wrong. Oh so very wrong. That’s on me. This whole thing’s on me, and I know […]

I’m not at my lowest by a long shot, but I’m not doing well. I’m really not sure how to recover until my career takes some turn. It’s possible at this point, but not certain. Somewhere in the past few years I stopped believing my value was directly related to employment. It is nice to be employed, gives a bit of hustle and action to a day. That’s not a right, it’s something we want to happen.

This is all me being very rational and nice about the thing that all I need is an employer to stay in business long term. I need them to […]

I hate so many things in this world. I hate how as a species we seem to desire a slow, self-destruction for ourselves in the name of progress. Progress is already causing us to become obsolete in some areas or in our hubris, we create our killers like so many sci-fi movies have foretold.

I hate how foolish people can be to select a person when their very self screams “wannabe dictator” again… An IQ test should be a requirement to vote in my opinion.

What I hate the most is myself. I hate how I have this powerful urge to tell my family that it was […]

I was in a dreamy type of mood. It was that type of atmosphere. I am by nature dreamy, which is a grave fault, a grave flaw indeed, but one has to accept the reality of one’s nature. I tend to have one foot in reality and the other in dreamy thoughts, even when faced with the most dire of situations. I had enjoyed a very nice joint and was reclining on the sofa, I don’t want to do anything except indulge in pleasure, and Cannabis for me is the height of pleasure. I had spent the morning attending to domestic duties, it’s not my […]

The choice to stick around was my own. Nobody twisted my arm. Nobody pleaded for me to stay. I did it because I wanted to. But every now and then I’m curious if I made a mistake. Everything was lined up. It was perfect. You couldn’t ask for better conditions. I could feel my body giving out slowly but surely. Then I stopped eating. Not a conscious choice. Just didn’t want to so I didn’t. Give me a few more weeks and I’m dead sure that I could’ve pushed myself past the line. […]

I don’t really know what to say anymore. I’ve got zero steam. Zero. This stupid motor problem has killed it all. I’ve tried offering solutions but it always seems like they don’t take me seriously or that I’m wrong. Which a lot of the times is true. I’m reliant on people that won’t even give me the time of day. It sucks. For now all I can possibly do is write and some calculations. But just got no motivation to do so. Been putting it off and lying in bed for the past 2 days. […]

I turned 37 today. It’s not a big landmark birthday or anything, creeping closer to the big 4-0 which isn’t looming like 30 did. As a middle aged man I’m in the top demographic for suicide, which is interesting I guess. Like I said a few days ago, I think the smoking is going to take care of that for me in due course. I don’t have to work at it. Last night my knees gave out under me, just like an old chair the joints failed. No one saw, but I did.

Anyway usually it feels like my birthday is cursed but it’s been such […]