General

sometimes i feel
like a lost little girl
in the park.
looking for her mommy
only not really.
she is looking for somebody
who cares that she is
lost.
only nobody does
care.
so i am still lost
still that lost girl
looking for her mommy
in the park.
and all i do
when i can’t find her
i swing.
swing.
get on the swing
let it make me rock,
higher, higher.
and i have to use metaphors for this
because i’m not swinging
because i’m lost
i’m cutting
because i’m lost.
and i just need somebody to find me.
i just need […]

My grandfather is the only solid person I have left in my life. He’s old and can’t leave the house so I run his errands for him. He gave me money the other day to get us breakfast and I forgot to pick him up something else that I said I would get later. I was at a friends house that night and had almost 40 bucks in my wallet that someone stole. I just told my grandfather that my money got stolen and he said “Yeah, nice excuse. You are starting to sound like a dope addict.” LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I […]

Like anyone actually gives a fuck about an ugly fat ass 14 year old… I act as if someone actually DOES.. But no one does… Don’t say you fucking do. I’m not an idiot. It’s just an act. Hell. I could’ve hung myself today and my teacher would’ve felt guilty! For what? NOTHING! BECAUSE NOBODY GIVES A FUCK! NOBODY CARES! NOBODY WANTS ME AROUND! I might as well be fucking DEAD. I’m just a fucking ANNOYANCE. Everyone says differently, BUT I KNOW IT’S TRUE BY THE WAY THEY ACT. “Actions speak louder than words” they say. 14 years and I’m JUST now realizing that nobody […]

Will I have the guts tonight to send myself over the edge? Fueled by my hate for life, and my ‘best friend’ calling me spoiled. I’m pampered I guess.. Because I get more than her? I guess so. If I decide yes, why do I keep choosing Thursdays? If I do choose this night to die, I’m going to fill myself with hateful words, everything that’s been said to me, everything I’ve thought, and the fact that I’m a fat ass who deserves to die.

A Cutter’s Lullaby:

Go to sleep and close your eyes,
And dream of broken butterflies
That tore their wings against a thorn.

Sadness and pain. My best friends. Only friends. My only friends that left without me. Lately i have been seeing myself jump off the balcony and i can see myself hitting, releasing, escaping…goodbye goodbye…it feels better than this existence…where noone understands one another or really cares…im tired of life…i want to go away

Now I’m sitting here knowing that things are going down hill I’m losing everything and everyone. I am completely done. I have nothing left. I don’t even see the point in trying anymore. I see all these people laughing and smiling and I hate it. There for I don’t like who I am and change will not come because I’m me and that’s it. I can’t change if I tried. My life had been full of bullshit stuff that no one should say they went through. god did not put me here to be sad he put me here to make something of myself and I […]

“In the 1980s a man with severe OCD shot himself in the head in an attempt to commit suicide. Instead of killing him, the bullet destroyed the part of his brain that was responsible for his OCD, and went on to become a straight-A college student five years later.”

-http://wtffunfact.com/post/49304696345/ocd

maybe i should try that to see if i’ll die or get cured from my suicidal thoughts and depression….and other mental problems i have. theres still that possibility that i could end up handicapped or maimed if i survived though

“A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.” - Josh Billings

Why can’t I just be left alone?

I meet with the school counselor once a week. I’m supposed to be recovering from an eating disorder, but right now it’s more like relapsing. I went down yesterday and my counselor was really concerned with some of the things I shared, but I promised to work on them. Today I got called down again and when I walked in I could tell something was wrong. Usually we joke around and laugh about things, but she looked so sad. The more she talked the more I realized she was about to have to call my parents. “It’s the law, […]

that voice in my head is loud today. the one that says today could be the day. why not? this depression is going to kill me one way or another might as well be on my terms. i feel like i am dead already. nothing seems to be able to give me any joy or fun. went to a concert last night . i had been looking forward to it. but i didn’t care if we went or not. while it was a great show, the fun, excitement, the losing myself in the music wasn’t there. i can’t escape myself. i can’t escape this soul […]

Hey,I’m 15 years now,  10th grade, German.
I found this community searching for the 30 Day Self Harm Challenge. Maybe some of you know about it.
I’m going to try it.
I harm myself about 2 and a half year now. There were some lucky month I haven’t even thought about it. But I never wanted to stop and so I didn’t.
In the last weeks everything just went wrong and again self harm is one of my escapes.
I’m not trying to get rid of it with this challenge. I’m just interested in how it feels not to do something I want to.
So […]

I am so tired of feeling alone.  Days like this just makes me wonder why am I here.  I don’t understand what my point in life is suppose to be right now.  My friends say that my prince charmin will come when I least expect it but I am so tired of waiting.  I am not just lonely because I am single I feel like I can’t talk with anyone.  All my friends are so busy with their life that if I bring up how I feel I don’t think anyone would care.  My parents never ask me how I am doing or my brother. […]

I write this wondering if my life is going anywhere… I don’t know where I’m going, or what I’m gonna do with my life, and there’s so much pressure… Everybody wants me to be perfect.. But I can’t… I can only be me.. And that’s not good enough and I contemplate ending it all sometimes… And I fear my urges to self harm will take over.. Its a constant battle all the time, for my own insanity… To keep your head up and keep all the pain inside cause your all alone… So alone… Nobody to help, to guide you.. The emptiness inside is overwhelming… […]

Imagine you’re playing a game of baseball. Every time you get a hit, the umpire punches you in the face and tells you you’re out. Then he humiliates you in front of the crowd, and they all throw eggs at you. The umpire says “those are the rules.” You tell him those are shitty rules, and then he steals your money and kicks your dog. And he says “that’s the rule for people who complain about the rules.” The crowd keeps throwing eggs.

Anyone with an ounce of self respect would quit the game and walk off the field, right? So why the fuck am I […]