exit bag ideas

I was just reading through an online addition of the peaceful pill handbook (probably an outdated version, but oh well). If anyone has read some of my other posts, I have talked about how much I would like to use an exit bag. I don’t have any supplies gathered yet, but that’s because I’m trying to learn as much as I can about this method before I go out and do it. From what I can understand, gas is the most common “knocker outer” that is used with exit bags. I have considered buying a tank of helium or ********, maybe even both for good measure, but in order to carry out my plan in the way I would really like it to be done, a large gas tank would be too impractical to lug around. So I have started doing a little reading on drugs. I really don’t know much about this, but it seems that barbiturate type medications work the best, but are difficult to obtain even by prescription.  According to the pphb document I was just now reading, it seems that common sleeping pills from the benzodiazepine class have been used with success. If these drugs are relatively cheap and available, I’m thinking this might be my first choice. Does anyone know of the reliability of this method? I’ve been struggling with depression for many years. I’ve been suicidal since I was 18 (at least as far as I can remember). I may have even been contemplating suicide longer than that, and I just don’t remember. My mom once told me (before she cheated on my dad and screwed my whole family over and left us) that even when I was 2 or 3 years old, I was always drawing sad faces. As a little toddler I apparently drew sad, crying faces and used dark and depressing colors. I see this as a sign that I have some sort of condition that will not go away. Now I am older and my problems keep getting worse and worse. I am truly sick of life. I really really don’t want to be part of this world anymore. I need help. I am begging for help. But nobody seems to want to help me. Not in the way I really need it. I need help dying, not living. I don’t deserve life. I am a waste of the air I breathe, a waste of the food I eat, a waste of everyone’s time, and for anyone who tries to help me avoid suicide, it is a waste of their effort. I have made up my mind on this matter. And it is, afterall, my mind to make up. I need to die. I am too ugly to be kept alive anyway. Too ugly and too broken. I cannot be fixed. I can’t explain everything in one post like this but I just know the only solution to my suffering is death. All I need now are answers. If anyone can help me figure out what is the best way to use the exit bag I plan to make, please… help me end a life that never should have even started in the first place.