General

Who knew I had a heart. I don’t understand why this is happening. I have had enough of the way things work. My grandma always told me that god only gives us what we can handle. I can’t handle it anymore. I wish that I could but I don’t have the strength anymore it hurts and hurts and it only will get worse. I begged for just one day of happiness. I forgot what happiness feels like.. don’t ever fall in love oh god no it hurts more than anything I have ever felt in my entire life and I’ve been through a lot. I’m […]

the Suicide

Death dwells in the shadow just at your shoulder. You invited it in, you dined with it, you bathed with it, you lay with death.
Consumed by and consuming, death becomes both a path and a destination for you.
You write a final letter, a final note, and gulp down a bottle of pills, hoping it will all be over soon…

And then…

You wait…

But not long for as you soon take you final step…

You call for help.

But wait, this makes no sense?

Why would you wish for death, plan for death, and attempt to kill yourself only to give up and try to save yourself in […]

You would have known this brings me me tears….

Pachelbel

So today it is Queensday here in Holland, and the past night there was a lot of fun too in the whole country. But guess what, no one asked me to do anything tonight. As a amtter of fact no one even bothers to talk to me no more, it is like I dont even exist.

I still have to wait 3 months(that’s the soonest, it is probably even longer) before my useless therapy starts. Every day just goes a bit worse, and pretty much since I started to get treatment a year ago things went from bad to worse, and it is still going worse. […]

I used to wonder why everyone was always after Christianity so much in this world, why it was the one religion out of so many in existence chosen to be talked against. Now I know why. Christ is not of this world, but of one where there is no ‘temporaries’ or ‘perishables’. He is of a world where there is no pain, confusion, hate, anger, guilt, doubt; bad thing or sin of any kind. That doesn’t sound too much like our world, does it? His followers are hated like He was, because we are no longer of this world once we claim Him and become […]

I used to cut my wrists from about october to December. But so many girls thought it was “cool” to cut. They would walk around school showing it off. Legit. Nobody knew that I cut. I didn’t want to tell people. I don’t tell anyone what’s going on in my mind and my life. My friends try to compete with each other to see who has the worst life. It really gets annoying. I stopped cutting because I didn’t want people to think I was being “mainstream”. I’m 14. I have so much anger and depression inside me and I have no way to […]

Yesterday, and for about forever before that, I actually felt something. Sure, it WAS sadness, but it was something. And, I really appreciated that something. Now, I feel nothing. At all, for any one or any thing. I really just don’t know what to do now.

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 I’m 25 years old and have been suffering from depression since the age of 12. My depression ranges from moderate to severe throughout the years, and now it is back to severe depression. The symptoms I have are the usual suicidal thoughts, anxiety, apathy, feelings of guilt and worthlessness as you all have experienced if you suffered from depression. My story began when I was around 12 […]

I’m just watching the sun go down, the birds are singing, listening to music and wondering, why is everything so hard? where do things go so wrong? how you can be going along, everything is fine, you are fine, it’s all smooth and then, one small seemingly nothing wrong turn, and it all spins away. But I’ve been drinking wine and I never drink lately. Wish I was 10 years old swinging in the sunshine. I did have a piece of happiness for a minute. And it was magic.

I know this may sound a little weird, nut I’ve always felt like SP was my family. Like I’m not alone, there may be a backbone is this cold reality of mine. I feel safe here.

The noose got a little tighter today. A little smaller. And, the calm has gotten a little more, well, calmer. I haven’t smoked in five years. Wow. Newport. Ramblings of a desperate person. I will see someone I love dearly on Wednesday. I have said goodbye to others – explained to them how hard I have tried and how tired I am. I think they understand. It feels good and I smile. I love them all, so very, very much. I forgive those who don’t understand. I smile. A week and we shall see. Thanks for reading. And, thanks to those who pray, in vain, […]

The reasons why I failed as a “man”(and I use that word loosely)?

In short:
too numerous character faults, too many past regrets & way too much poor thoughts about my future to mention. I hate myself so. I hate the man in the mirror.. I just wanted to say that. I wonder what life after death would be like for me since I think its different for everyone. I just wanted to say that

I got a job …. That I suck at becuase I have to talk to people, but I suck at talking to people and I kinda look creepy……buts that’s not the promble …the problem is I am trying to save money to start my bussiness ….but at the age at 17…. I find my self giving my money to my mother and grandmother who spend money irresponsiblely ……..if I can start my bussiness and spread like I want to by next year I can easly help my family and my self out………but rigth now I even spend a dime from my weeks pay…..working to save […]

Sorry, I’ve tried, and can’t figure it out. Thanks.