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Since when did I start drinking every single night to the point of oblivion. And since when was not getting to that point a disappointment.
I am unhappily tipsy.
Hooray for success! I’m married! I own my own home! We have a backyard! We actually have money in our savings account!
Like that solves anything I mean really. I’m still alone tonight. I’m still sad and angry and crying tonight.
Nothing ever gets better no matter where I go. I try to make a good life for me and everyone just wants to abuse me. Whether its mentally or physically. I never to do anything to anyone and I just get shit on. I’m ready for it to be over. I want to die and never look back. I don’t care if I hurt people after I’m gone because I won’t see them hurt and I can’t get hurt either. I really try my best and I get pushed in the mud and rocks. When will it end and I can live happily. I just […]
I just want someone who understands this emptiness…
Somehow the pain that I used to feel so long ago has become something constant even when I thought it was all over, I tend to pretend smiles and create banal conversations with my relatives so they don’t think I’m up to this all over again… it’s something I do without thinking, just feel they’d be better on the ignorance.
And then after faking so many smiles I’m too tired to feel the pain and feel nothing but emptiness, the worst thing that could happen because the inner empty make me be cold and careless besides the fact that […]
Just got my own cocktail of pills.
Antidepressives, sleeping pills, stuff for memory.Â
Soon, there will be more (ADD concerning).
How did I get to this point?
I just hope this is will start making some effect, and I start feeling better. Although, funny enough, one of the side effects of the antidepressive right when you start taking it is intensification of suicidal thoughts or something like that. lol seriously? This is gonna be a funny ride.
I won’t be around for a week, I’m going away, but once I come back, I shall evaluate if this cocktail is doing what it should.
I hope everyone here has a better week […]
I feel so angry and frustrated right now, it’s ten at night and it’s another day gone down the drain I did NOTHING, I’m just so upset because neither way I’m happy I remember during the summer and early fall I was doing loads of stuff to try and overcome my depression on my own I created my own schedule I Â would exercise,draw, piano,etc but nothing helped I was bored the whole time and I wasn’t having any fun, it’s like either way I can’t be happy so there’s no point it’s like a double edged sword.
helloHello people to take in my doom and gloom. I cried all morning. I wanted to die. I still do even things are calm. I feel out of place and overall just upset withmy world. The person I am and the situations I have lived and not lived. Time I wasted and people….I sort of realize that being a part or wanting to be a part is what hurts me so much. Because I can’t be or simply don’t. Anyways. I stopped caring. And I am eager to go  Not eager I hate to go.  I just can’t imagin every being happy.
…I was scrolling through my fb news feed…and…they made a video and posted it to my wall, the gist of the viddeo is that
1.) I’m F.U.B.A.R (fucked up beyond all recognition)
2.) a dying freak.
3.) was bound to get cancer.
4.) I probably have herpes too.
and 5.) I should’ve passed out and fallen off the building that night…
:’)
I just can’t see the other way out. When I want to go ahead and commit suicide I tell myself I should at least try telling people and seeing if things get better soon. But I don’t see how. How can you bring that up? How do you look your family in the eye and tell them you feel like shit? How do you admit you’re not their good little girl anymore? How do you convince them they haven’t failed, it’s just the way you are? How do you tell them you’ve been hurting for years and they never knew? How do you sit at […]
Is it possible to be both sad and happy, suicidal but not depressed? oh, btw, the song Bullet by Hollywood Undead kind of helps to clear my mind
I feel like there’s no other way out.. but at the same time I’m scared. What if people who commit suicide go somewhere worse?
They gave me a mechanical pencil, heheh i can cut with one, they are so clueless. well, I have added 9 cuts to my arm. I almost forgot I had cancer.
yesterday, I experienced the first caring touch I have felt in a long time. Though only brif, it was still real…untill I woke up. =(
Omg!!!! Today Vyas (#My.Crush)Â looked at me and kept looking at me multiple times… I am exited because he looked at me in a way that didnt mean he was mad at me (well um.. he wouldnt get mad at me becuase he has never talked to me before)… it meant he was just calm and just wanted to see my face (i…guess)
I have to wake up at 5:00 in the morning just to get on time for a bus that leaves for a feild trip 🙁
I am not skinny. I am not fat. I am not pretty. I am not ugly. I am not mean. I am not nice. I am not popular. I am not unpopular. I am not weird. I am not normal. I am not social. I not quiet. I am not liked. I am not disliked. I am not happy. I am not angry. I only identify as one thing; sad. That’s it. Why? I am tired. I am sick (recently diagnosed with heart problems). I have no real friends left. I have no caring family. Why? I never did anything, to anyone. I used to […]
I swear, Trevor is either bipolar, a liar, or just weird. He goes and says that I’m ugly one day, but then he acts like he likes me the next. Today, he was talking about me to my friend Bailey. This is what they said : Trevor: Hey, do you know that girl named Courtney? Bailey: Yeah. Trevor: She smells better than she usually does.. Â So, yeah. Weird. I don’t know whether to take offense to it or not because it’s so weird. Seriously. I mean, he may be saying that I used to stink. Then again, he might be trying to compliment me, […]
I saw pictures of him snogging another girl at this party. It’s my 17th next week and I was going to tell him I was sorry and could he forgive me and give us another go.
I’d split up with him because I felt unable to commit myself emotionally, I couldn’t give him the time nor attention he deserved. I think the biggest reason is that I knew he wasn’t in to me, I was just a way for him to get back at his ex, who is one of my close mates.
But I fucking love him. I really do. and I want him to keep […]
I want this to stop….I’ve trawl thru sites trying to find the way out to no avail, I am a wimp, scared of pain, 34 and have attempted overdose with sleeping tablets, anti-d’s and recreational drugs, I drink yes but not to excess for I hate the hangover! pathetic but I try to be happy and just get on, it gets harder every night to stay sane….daytime is good I have my distractions, but at night when its quiet that when the brain starts telling me to get out, just do it it, once its done that is it, nothing, all gone, I want help, […]
im done. thats it. ive honestly fucked up enough that i dont care anymore about consequences. im good enough with words im bound to get my point across. my parents arent being any nicer to me they havent really even changed. my sister is becoming controllable but now i thought if i cant speak at home fucking things around at school will help release anger….well now all the fighting and swearing with teachers countless numbers of detentions now im finally suspended and soon to have court involved ha fuck that! i have the best boyfriend ever and i might run out of town tonight with […]
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