The other way out?

I just can’t see the other way out. When I want to go ahead and commit suicide I tell myself I should at least try telling people and seeing if things get better soon. But I don’t see how. How can you bring that up? How do you look your family in the eye and tell them you feel like shit? How do you admit you’re not their good little girl anymore? How do you convince them they haven’t failed, it’s just the way you are? How do you tell them you’ve been hurting for years and they never knew? How do you sit at the dinner table in the middle of a discussion about your day and the sport scores and start a conversation about the pain you’ve been piling up, alone, for years? How do you look them in the face every day after that as if everything is normal?

But I can’t not tell them. I’m fed up of them giving me shit for not being ‘sociable’ enough, and bursting into my room, and I don’t know if I’m ready to end this for good. My doctor keeps saying telling my family is the next step, and maybe we can get family therapy together. I know this is the next thing I need to do, but I have no idea how. I just can’t. They’re so happy and they’re great parents, I don’t know how to tell them I’m not happy like they are. I don’t know how to ruin things for them in the hope it will improve things for me. How would I even word how I feel? I don’t know what to say to them, I just want to stop keeping secrets, I want them to understand that I don’t want to go out all the time and I need to go to the doctors sometimes. I don’t even know if they’d take me seriously if I told them.

I think I’m mainly talking to myself, this won’t happen anyway. I’m not brave enough to tell them. But if any of you have had to tell your parents and have advice I would appreciate it.