General

I turned 25 about two weeks ago, but inside I feel like I’m three or four times as old.  Once again, I have spiraled into the throes of major depression, and I want out.  The last time this happened, it hit me so hard that I holed myself up in my dorm room for a month, skipped my classes and exams, and flunked out of college a semester away from graduating.  In that sense I’m better off today; I managed to complete my undergraduate degree this past spring, so at least I have that going for me.  But the underlying causes of my unhappiness are […]

I can’t breathe right now. My hands are shaking. Basically the beginning of my never-ending panic attacks. I haven’t cried since Mitch Lucker’s death, which was November 1st. It’s like I used up all my tears. Well…they’re back. My ex lives 2,000 miles away. People have no idea how much we’ve been through to be together. I love him more than anything. I know a lot of you are tired of hearing that but it’s fucking true  I sacrifice everything for him. But as I was saying, he lives 2,000 miles away. If you’ve read my other posts, you’ll know we aren’t together anymore. [We used to be perfect and not have […]

I have no problem helping my friends with their problems, listening to them, being their support system.. but it seems like no one ever tries to help me, listen to me or is my support system. (again i am talking about friends who i am with in person on a daily basis not my SP friends)  I am not trying to be needy or anything. But sometimes yes i do need help or someone to listen to me..  but i get tired of listening and helping, if i never get anything in response.

I feel completly shit on and tossed aside.. like my issues means nothing.. […]

UGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

dont feel like actually putting to words right now… will do that later though..

March 18, 2012

That date means absolutely nothing to you…but that date saved my life.

i want to rip my skin off, i hate existing alone like this. i know i’m never going to get better, never going to be real, never going to live a normal, real life, never going to be a happy person. i should die before i keep feeling like this.

so far just another day… but my bestfriend got mad at me. Told her something that she didnt want to hear, but i had to tell her.. but i didnt say it right. really frustrated and just gonna have to let her do whatever the hell shes going to do and just let her learn on her own..

just feeling alone.. no one to sit and talk to face to face.. i love my SP friends! i really do.. but its not the same as being able to see the person sitting only a few feet away.. to have someone actually hold me as i cry […]

Flick of a switch. Just Like that. Its that easy.

you all try to talk people out of killing themselves. you claim it will get better. that its only temporary. that you can get help, get over it, move on. that there is soome way for life to be somethin g other than a living hell.

but what about those who would be better off dead? what about those that are cursed with this huge darkness in their head? the ones tht are sick and twisted inside, just born wrong, wnating and getting onff on wrong things? would you try to talk them out of dying?

could you try to talk someone out of killing themselves if […]

You walk down the school hallway, with a look of pure desperation on your face. You’ve been depressed for so long now, you’ve thought about killing yourself. It shows on your face, it burns bright in your eyes that you want to die. Then someone asks you what is bothering you. You tell them it’s nothing, and they leave you alone. But really it’s something, and it’s destroying you. You have failing grades, your family is disappointed in you, and you snap on everyone at the slightest twinge of anger. You don’t know why you’re like this, you don’t want to be, but no matter […]

I was born in Florida and raised there for 11 years. I did live in a broken down school bus for a year and a half. The whole time I was growing up with neurofibromatosis. I fist grew it on my face before I started pre-school. I was always told I was a smart kid. I knew I was different from everyone since day one. Even when it wasn’t that bad I knew it was different.

One day I was eating and bit the inside of my cheek. Blood went out everywhere. My face worsened. I new I was. I was afraid to go out […]

It’s hard to breathe when I serve no purpose.
I have nothing keeping me here.
I’m like a balloon on string connected to a rock, earth is the rock.
My string is coming loose and I’m bound to float away soon.
Ha, 16 and thoughts like this. Kinda sad, but I would help it if I could, I just can’t.
Living, breathing, laughing, smiling, it all seems so difficult and out of reach.
I’m unable to handle it all.
Have mercy on what’s left of my soul.
Depression is taking over and I’m trying to escape.
One option.
One solution.
One blade, a big […]