General

I don’t want to exist in this reality anymore. Being the bad guy in everyone else’s narrative… it gets old, you know?

I tell myself that I should stick around, on the off-chance that there’s some way to find peace. To be free of this despair. To possibly repent of my past. Or even just become someone capable of repenting. Just in case death isn’t the end.

But there’s probably nothing. And even if hell exists, there’s probably no way out now. I’m effectively already there, psychologically. I’m stuck in an endless self-reinforcing loop of despair, hatred, craving, resentment. I have no real hope. And I don’t […]

Taking it day at a time, I guess. Hour at a time. Minute at a time. It’s about all I can really manage right now. It’s all I’ve been able to manage for some time, I’d say. There’s that tiny, stupid little part of me that wonders, hopes for a light somewhere, despite everything being so dark and has been for so long. Hope for a relief, maybe. Maybe that’s why I’m still alive, but who’s to say. I don’t know if I’ll live long enough to experience it, or if I’ll live an ungodly amount of time here and feel just… like this the […]

To be happy means you have good things in your life and have things you believe in.

But- What do you do when you don’t believe in anything anymore? When everything told to us since birth has been all LIES?

From as early as childhood- I was taught about the Food Pyramid (now debunked as wrong) and told that is what we must eat to be healthy, that cereal was the best food in the morning (now debunked bc it’s full of sugar and wheat which causes massive health problems), that the Native Americans and the colonists were basically singing kumbaya, sharing Thanksgiving meals […]

Pretty much NOTHING our government (FDA, CDC, FBI, CIA, etc) tells us is true.
Pretty much NOTHING our vulture capitalistic corporations tell us is true.

This shit has been on the shelves for 48 YEARS, since 1976, and just LAST year, they found out these things didn’t really work. Shockingly unshocking. This is what we expect when profit is #1 in the USA. Fuck the truth, right?

And this is relatively “minor” compared to the other shit they’re doing to our food/water/phar.maceutical drugs/etc. This isn’t even a horror story compared to the slew of medical crap they’ve forced unto us.

~3min

Been thinking about a lot of stuff lately now that I’m not going to try and die now. Going through old posts a lot because I’m always curious about stuff. I say my post about my first half baked “attempt”. Then I remembered it was over 20 dollars. So I don’t talk about them a lot anymore since I’m a grown man and my problems are currently where I live and not across the country. I actually don’t talk to my family all that much. Can go a couple weeks without calling them. But when I first joined […]

I don’t know how I’m holding together at this point. As previously mentioned, I’m near as bleak as I’ve ever been. All signs point to that I should be flat on my back, unable to sit up. This entire thing, the work, the burnout, then this past week…… certainly no part of myself thought me strong enough to still be standing after all of this.

To be fair maybe I’m not, I haven’t been clear eyed sober in some time. Better days those where, when it was safe to trust anyone other than me. I don’t even trust me, it’s just I can set my watch […]

A few nights ago was a disaster, I got wasted and ruined the night for my friends. I don’t want to get into details in case they’re on here (which I doubt). Just when things were starting to go well this happens, and I don’t know what to do anymore. My brain is a mess and I don’t know what to say to convince myself this time. I keep trying the new week new me format. But then it crashes. Over and over again. I do something stupid and watch it get fucked all over again.
This time I couldn’t figure out what to […]

Ok so change of plans. Not going to try to kill myself after all. I’ve been prepping these last few weeks. Isolating myself from my friends and those around me. Not eating for a few days. Telling my family that I’ll flunk and committing to flunking to further destabilize. Pushing myself in the lab. Constantly reminding myself of my 25 year time limit. Really drive home how hopeless my situation is intentionally and even on a subconscious level. I was trying to drive myself into a corner to manually override my will to live so I […]

So I called my mom to tell her I’m going to flunk. She asked what was next and if I need to stay another semester, but I told her 2 was enough. That I’d go ahead and come home and find work. Was crying but tried my best to sound grounded. Same spiel, keep going forward, once you work you’ll be fine yada yada. Then I let out a little more than I should have. Told her 25 was very long. She wanted me to elaborate. I said 25 years is pretty long. She kept pressing […]

My body’s starting to break down. I have gotten fair amount of sleep the past few days after my all-nighter. However I haven’t eaten a meal since Tuesday. Had almonds and jerky and dried pineapple. Gas station stuff. I don’t know why. I’m not too busy to get something. My fridge is empty. Still haven’t went grocery shopping. Starting to feel the effect. My mind is still wrapped in barbed wire. Told my uncle I’m not graduating. First person I’ve told. He mentioned other things I could do like work and go […]

Would you rather be delusional but Happy? Or sane, logical, and a realist, but Depressed AF?

Most ppl who are happy are delusional- no reason for being so overly optimistic when all the data points otherwise. BUT, they are happy.

I waste a lot of time and energy pondering whether I should kill myself. I wouldn’t say it’s that I want to, exactly. I’m hugely afraid of death. And my subconscious will to survive, though weaker than average, is still clearly present.

But it strikes me that in my current life suffering predominates. Not in an extreme sense. I have chronic back & stomach issues, but it’s rarely agonizing. Mostly just uncomfortable and irritating. But it’s bad, and it has the potential to get much worse. And is unlikely to get much better. So it doesn’t seem worth enduring, for its own sake. In other words, it would […]

Just realised that I’m now older than the project manager at my first job who fired me a decade ago and making less than I was back then, inflation adjusted.

said doctor, aint there nothing I can take?

I said doctor, to relieve this belly ache?

I said doctor, aint there nothing I can take?

I said Doctor, to relieve this belly ache?

then he said; “Now let me get this straight, you put the lime in the coconut you drank them both up”

The sicker I get, the more I sing, I’m singing half the time I open my mouth not working. I’m not okay.

20 years of working my butt off, and this is the thanks I get, 66% of these jerks would rather have red hats than me. My current work won’t exist here if his plan goes […]

A few days ago I had a working robot and was starting tests. I pushed it too far in an attempt to try to do better than the previous model and broke a piece. No big deal. I’ve fixed it before it’s just time consuming. Then another thing breaks. And another. And another. Stayed up till 6 AM trying to fix my mistake on Monday. Every time I have a happy mood I feel like it’s just setup so the universe or whatever can kick me down the stairs. Please knock on wood. I think […]

I have decided to make my exit on New Year’s Eve.  This message is barely for the community, but it’s mostly for me.  I needed to finally type it out.  I will be here somewhat for the next two months, but this is the first and last place I will check in with, once the decision was made.

As the title implies, this is a question I have been grappling with since I could form a coherent thought. The current election results of the USA seems to reinforce this idea to me, do we do anything for this planet that is beneficial beyond trying to dampen the mistakes we have already made to the environment?  I hate our species because our progress is damnation for everything else and I know any child I could have would just be contributing to the problem…

A plane crash tragic as it is seldom gets my attention but there was something about Air France flight 447 that got my attention. The transcript of the accident recovered from the black box and the cold critical analysis of aviation experts paralleled my own battle with Suicidality.  Due to icy weather conditions the autopilot was turned off and the most inexperienced pilot was in control of the plane and flew the plane upwards until it started to stall and lose momentum and then crash into the deep murky waters of the Atlantic ocean at 3am.  An aviation expert made a very good point that […]