General

Just realised that I’m now older than the project manager at my first job who fired me a decade ago and making less than I was back then, inflation adjusted.

said doctor, aint there nothing I can take?

I said doctor, to relieve this belly ache?

I said doctor, aint there nothing I can take?

I said Doctor, to relieve this belly ache?

then he said; “Now let me get this straight, you put the lime in the coconut you drank them both up”

The sicker I get, the more I sing, I’m singing half the time I open my mouth not working. I’m not okay.

20 years of working my butt off, and this is the thanks I get, 66% of these jerks would rather have red hats than me. My current work won’t exist here if his plan goes […]

A few days ago I had a working robot and was starting tests. I pushed it too far in an attempt to try to do better than the previous model and broke a piece. No big deal. I’ve fixed it before it’s just time consuming. Then another thing breaks. And another. And another. Stayed up till 6 AM trying to fix my mistake on Monday. Every time I have a happy mood I feel like it’s just setup so the universe or whatever can kick me down the stairs. Please knock on wood. I think […]

I have decided to make my exit on New Year’s Eve.  This message is barely for the community, but it’s mostly for me.  I needed to finally type it out.  I will be here somewhat for the next two months, but this is the first and last place I will check in with, once the decision was made.

As the title implies, this is a question I have been grappling with since I could form a coherent thought. The current election results of the USA seems to reinforce this idea to me, do we do anything for this planet that is beneficial beyond trying to dampen the mistakes we have already made to the environment?  I hate our species because our progress is damnation for everything else and I know any child I could have would just be contributing to the problem…

A plane crash tragic as it is seldom gets my attention but there was something about Air France flight 447 that got my attention. The transcript of the accident recovered from the black box and the cold critical analysis of aviation experts paralleled my own battle with Suicidality.  Due to icy weather conditions the autopilot was turned off and the most inexperienced pilot was in control of the plane and flew the plane upwards until it started to stall and lose momentum and then crash into the deep murky waters of the Atlantic ocean at 3am.  An aviation expert made a very good point that […]

Wouldn’t you like for this life, this world to be much more exciting? Why don’t people do anything for this? What would it take?

I know this site is anonymous and that’s why everyone’s on it. But…wouldn’t it be curious what we all look like? Like I imagine we all pass each other on the streets, never realizing this person or that person has depression, or is suicidal.

OR on the flip side, see a stranger IRL and automatically know their story, their true self, and not the face they show to the world.

Why is writing a letter so tough??
I don’t know what to tell my family. I hate to do this to them, but I don’t see any hope for my life. I don’t want to die alone, but its either this, or feeling like this every day. I don’t even remember my life without anxiety and depression, it feels like this became my personality now.
I hope I won’t fail tomorrow.

I’m afraid of good things. I support good things and encourage good things between others but I feel like a fraud. I’ve never done good things for myself until just recently and it feels strange. I get “the ick” if that makes sense (probably doesn’t). I sometimes want to help people but stop myself because I’m afraid they may think I’m trying to be their friend and maybe I am but I’m not sure I really am. I find myself holding back what I can only describe as a “life force or energy”.

The other day at work, I allowed myself to be seen. The tenseness […]

Okay, Tuesday is going to be stressful, potentially. That’s my initial lead into the day, is that everything is always a maybe.  We prep for the worst, then hope it doesn’t happen. Sometimes it doesn’t!

The worst would be me imploding at work. I don’t know if I could come back from that, as generous as the people around me are. I don’t want to find out because the shame would be more agony than whatever they did to me.

I’m on front desk duty this week, the frontline defense of our department. I deescalate and present bad news as not so bad on a regular day, […]

One of the most prominent undercurrents in my neurosis is fear of cruelty. Within myself. Within our species. Within the whole natural world.

The most recent manifestation: a morbid fascination with cannibalism. Turns out, remarkably common in pre-modern times. Especially in tropical zones, and particularly within island cultures.

I was aware of “emergency cannibalism”, in times of extreme famine. Horrific, but understandable, given severe enough hunger pains and desperation to survive. You’ll find it throughout history and across the world, from medieval England to 19th century China and Ukraine during the Holodomor. When people are pushed into terrible enough circumstances, the moral inhibitions of a proportion of […]

another of my attempts at poetry, we’ll see

The woman who lived was a singular soul

neither young or old, eternal and ephemeral at the same time

She walks in shadows I can no longer reach

She languishes in lonely and desolate places

Yet they leave no mark on her

She lives, but for how long?

The woman who lived, many roles has played, many ways I’ve seen.

She is not ordinary.

I loved her once, and then I learned to appreciate her another way, a familial love.

We only have the people that will show up. Not the people we want to show up, the people who actually do.

The woman who lived stands in […]

Nothing like screwing ourselves royally, eh?

Couldn’t really pick a title so I chose both. Got 2 things on my mind.

I’m oddly content and I don’t know why. My situation hasn’t changed at all. Still going to flunk. Still don’t know what 2025 looks like. Still the same dumb ass who can’t even build a robot. But I’m still going at it. Spent all day in lab. Had so many issues that wanted me to smash me skull against a brick wall. But I still had some strange satisfaction when something went ok. Thinking CLARA actually looked decent. […]