General

never ever say that this is the worst, because life will take it as a challenge. I’ve been suicidal, psychotic, blackout angry, blacout drunk, high, so sick I couldn’t walk and a wide variety of other kinds of fucked up

but life keeps coming up with new. If I wasn’t so pissed and tired I’d be impressed at the creativity. Perhaps there does have to be a creator, can such a screwed up situation as this be created by chance?!

because I’m not suicidal. Not for lack of ability, I certainly could be, if I felt so inclined. Perhaps I will be, what horrors come next, who’s […]

accepting pain like others do. i never do, i never resign myself to it, i delude myself because i am determined to stay attached to this life and its goodies. i easily cast aside those who do not appease me. i want to be a better person but i sometimes think being a better person in my case is just neglecting myself on some level.

Go out of their way to maintain an image. I remember my father telling me a bizarre story about when he worked as a bus driver in the late 80’s. Every morning a well dressed and supposedly well to do man would push his way on to the bus saying ” I have a very important meeting this morning, hurry up”. To which my father responded with  “Im not getting paid enough to hurry, sit down”. This man would get off the bus at the cental bank on Dame street and get the elevator to the top floor, five minutes later he would be ejected […]

warning; still might be a little under the influence, but this is all I have to say, all I can anticipate having to say, and lubricated is the only way I can say it, so deal, or don’t, We had boys night and shocker, it was what it says on the tin, we drank and ate greasy food and talked about music and bad ideas.

So I spent at least two hours on the road today for this stupid job fair. Two of the companies I wanted to talk to didn’t show up, like how tacky is that? I showed up, drove 65 miles and two […]

annoy the shit out of me. So frustrating. So vexxing. Some ppl you just wanna slap. Like really.

-_-

I just found out that one of my uncles is a child molester. The police are even involved. I don’t know how to feel. I almost want to believe everything is untrue and that he can’t really be that way, but I saw the evidence.

I don’t feel like I can trust anyone anymore. I know pedos don’t “look” like pedos, but out of everyone I never thought it would be him. He was always so kind and he was so quiet too.

He didn’t do anything to me, but I just feel so sick now thinking about the times I’ve spent with him when I was […]

I like how this is all past tense, like “oh this used to be a problem”, well wake up, it still is. I dread to inform you that I, what I consider a fairly normal midwestern man have at least ten pockets in my everyday outfit IN SUMMER. In winter it can reach such absurd highs as 30 pockets, 30 pockets is an insane amount of pockets.

I particularly like the point where men are compared to marsupials, because that’s what we are, throughout life we aquire more pockets. It is also an interesting contrast, my wife will often inform me of the issue of not […]

1- Men have the most comfortable softest boxers. Meanwhile, women’s underwear ride up, bras are uncomfortable as fuck, and clothes cost 3x more than men. I mean obviously I wear them only at home where no one sees me but yeah, they’re so soft.

2- Bought a pair of men’s workout shorts that came in the mail today. OMG I didn’t know they make them so soft and flexible. I want to buy another pair but it’s no longer on sale and don’t wanna pay full price :'(

I always thought men’s outer clothing were all durable, strong but rough. I guess not all. […]

I believe in the possibility of life being meaningful, worthwhile, positive. I once felt that way about my own life. I see others living the kind of life I want. Of course you can never tell from the outside, and the grass always seems greener on the other side of the tree. But they seem content. By which I mean; not caught in a constant loop of longing and despair. Not consumed by loneliness, regret, depression. Actively engaged with life, with the world. Pursuing plans, learning, growing, becoming better as people. Functioning far above the minimum necessary for survival.

What I struggle with is that, feeling […]

i was already bad enough to begin with but you just love to make it worse. i wish i never met you and i wish you would just stop and leave me alone. i keep telling you that you’re only making things worse but that does nothing, do you find joy out of making me miserable?

i don’t feel like myself anymore. i don’t know how to love anymore. i don’t know what to think. you messed my head and my heart up. you were the only person i truly loved and you stabbed me in the back multiple times. i would’ve done anything for you, […]

with presctibed drugs. need to read more nonfiction and increase inhibition.

I swear, the collective IQ of Americans is decreasing by the day. Hell, by the hour! I was on YT comments last night (as well as Quora and Reddit)… Idiocracy is not just a movie -_-

Yes, many of the dumb comments are from overseas idiots, but the majority of them are American (some clearly very American threads).

We have a few geniuses (like Edison, Franklin, Einstein, Tesla, Newton, Darwin, etc) that literally carry our species. If not for a few oddball geniuses, our species would be screwed, bc the rest of us are dumb as shit. ESPECIALLY the ppl on YT, […]

to structure and personalization. taking medication for personality disorder. studying personality psychology and seeing how convoluted it all is. feeling abnormal/not in touch with reality, maybe it has to do with academia. questioning personal agency, not understanding how the world actually works, as in, not being around relatable people. i see a bunch of smart highly literate people online but underestimate people in real life due to their lack of heavy speech, causing a rift in reality processing.

i need a job where i feel competent and inoculated from the outside world. i don’t seek freedom, i seek consistency. 

i need to stop being so addicted and […]

It feels like people have become some sort of zombies or robots

I try for the serenity prayer thing, to take it a day at a time, but really it’s more a week at a time. Because monday through friday, I’m either waiting on applications to come back, or putting them out. and in that regard, it’s been a crap week. Neither of the “warm” leads from last week turned into anything, yet at the very least. I went ahead and shot out a few more apps. Next week I’ve got a job fair midweek, not sure if that’s anything to get excited about, but there it is.

but being unemployed, waiting on applications, fridays suck the worst, […]

-_-

I’ve come to the realization that no amount of therapy will cure me, no medication will save me, no religion will enlighten me. Nothing on Earth or space above will grant me peace of mind. The only way I’ll get peace is through the end I so desperately wish for. Now that I’ve thought about it, I’ve never wanted to be alive. That having to eat, drink, sleep, poo is my Hell. I know I can use hedonism as a distraction but I realized that’s how my life has always been. Now, I don’t understand why I would be vilified for wanting to escape a […]