For your poems.
We stay alive because we know the pain we would cause those we love is much worse than the pain we are feeling inside.
Today I really tended and had the urge to cut myself and to plan my suicide. I felt really terrible today. It started this morning, the thoughts of don’t want to live anymore. I had to find out what the methods are to kill yourself. I had to, just to feel calmer. I searched on the internet and found a list with success rates. It made me happy and calm. It gaves me safety. I was thinking about what method I will do first. Lots of the methods were really painful or really hard to do. Like using a gun. How would I ever get […]
staring at the wall
i drew a rainbow
i drew a horse
my arm bleeding
dripping onto the floor
just stand there
looking past the wall
Blinded, can’t see.
Blinded with a blindfold.
Deaf, can’t hear.
Deafened by the silence.
Handicapped, can’t move.
Handicapped by my knife.
Scared, can’t live.
Scared because people ruined my life.
They ruined it, but they don’t realize.
They don’t know what effect it has.
Depressed, suicidal, self-harmed, scared, unable to live, marked for life.
They fucking don’t realize what I’m going through!
They fucking don’t realize that they were wrong!
But they were and I will never forgive them,
Because they ruined my life.
I failed.
I tried the butterfly project…
And it helped for a day…but I cut again.
Deeply.
I have 2inches of tissues on it cause its bleeding.
I’m a failure.
I deserve to die.
I… I… I Hate Myself….
I… I… I Wish I Would Die….
I… I… I Give Up…..
I… I… I Give You All I’ve Got…
You.. You… You Want More…
I… I… I Want to Cry…
I.. I… I Want to Die…
Be My Friend.. Hold Me.. Wrap Me Up… Unfold Me… I Am Small… And Needy… Warm Me Up… Breathe Me…
I AM CRYING SO BADLY INSIDE FOR YOU!!! I WANT TO SCREAM UNTIL I CAN NO LONGER SPEAK!!! PLEASE!!! JUST LET ME DIE!!!
The anger is boiling
Festering inside of me
It wants to erupt
But will remain hidden
Away from all the preying eyes
That lie in waiting for me to break
Hidden deep within my heart
Away from everyone
Too many secrets
Painful memories
Lies
Betrayal
I won’t ever tell
No deals
Just forget it
The anger will remain
But my face won’t show it
My heart won’t tell it
I’m fine
Perfectly fine
Miss cheerful
As always
The same simple lie
Within this twilight world
Lies emptiness and hate
I seek an epic journey
So that I might escape
Far away from this reality
To a world of ignorant bliss
I come from pain and torment
To embrace salvations kiss
I welcome a moment of hope
As short as it may be
But the hope always fades
And I am left empty
The tears they fall unfiltered and pure
Pouring out pain that nothing can cure
Tumbling, cascading like the waterfall
The vivid mark of agony’s call
Those salty drops of feminine curse
Trapped under weight, day by day growing worse
no one to catch them, no one to see
No one else lost in this hell-hole but me
Screaming in terror at the walls closing in
Dropping to my knees, my head starts to spin
Feeling the rage within growing stronger
What in the hell have I done that’s so wrong?
The quickness of breath and tightness of chest
I have endured through it all, gave […]
Like a candle that disipates
into the velvety darknesss
of solitude,
I am smoothered by an unseen hand.
And the darkness
is like a fog
that rolls in off the sea and never leaves
Can anyone see me?
Can anyone hear my cries?
Or will I fade unnoticed
like a candle;
in the dark.
So strange to be alone,
I don’t know how to do this
I’ve been alone before, but never like this
When do I stop hurting?
Can’t seem to forget her face
The love of my life… Now sees me as a monster!
Is all heartbreak alike?
I can feel my strength fading,
But is it from the starvation,
Or is it from the knife?
Looking for a way out
But I only see one
The most selfish thing a person can dream
Kill me is what I scream
Tonight is the night I lie here and fight
I fight for a life
I fight always by night
But for that life I so violently and willing fight
That life is mine, but home it is not
For now I live it for no other choice
But it’s just an empty soul, lost and cold
Not much worth the fight
I’m desperate. I don’t want to anymore. Please, God, I’m begging you, make sure I will die accidently. Let there be a strong wind, when I’m standing at the platform waiting for my train, so I’ll fall off the platform onto the rails and the train will drive over me and I’ll be dead. Or let my bus get a serious accident I won’t survive. Do something, God, I’m begging you. Kill me, it’s the only way to save me from myself. Please, God, make sure I’ll die…
~ What if there’s only one way out?
One way to feel better,
one way to love myself.
Instability is the only stable thing in me
Balance is challenging to me
Maybe I need something like peace
Hello serenity how have you been? It’s been quite a while since my needs were meant, in this parasitical relationship, your lack is hurting me
Hello algidity, you’re stuck in my bones. It’s been such a long time since I remember being warm, in this frigid cowardice, I’m not any closer to free
I’m not being heard and I wonder why, “Why am I”
“Why am I here because I’m not changing much”
The things I say the words I speak
I have to ask “Would I even […]
I fight and I fight…why do I fight!? I fight to live, I fight to breathe, I fight to eat, I fight to smile, I fight to be happy. Why am I fighting myself!? In this endless battle, I am always winning! I constantly win the battle, I fight for the right to hurt myself! When will my REDEMPTION come!? Why wont people understand the pain and hurt that I inflict upon myself!? It is not my fault, I do not consciously choose to harm myself. DO I!? I look to blame no one, yet the universe always finds a way to FUCK with me! […]
I’m here but, not all the way. I feel as if I am dying alive. Thye world is picking at my wounds. My cuts are being doused with ALCOHOL! I no longer feel as if, I am a human. I am hurting inside more than words will allow me to explain. I mutiliated my body again, I slash for each person who has hurt me. I Cant deal with this horrible pain. Shattered glass stabs me from within, I bleed an invisible blood. I drip sorrow from my eyes. Where has all of this anger come from, why are my dreams terrorizing my reality? Why […]
These words follow me everywhere I go.
I don’t quite understand them.
I don’t know what they are, but I can’t lose them.
These words have their own voice.
They sing and I cry along.
I try to master them.
But they are the ones who control me.
These words are my very being.
They are lost inside themselves.
I cannot comprehend them, as I can’t comprehend myself.
Who am I?
These words cannot tell me.
I’ve tried to stifle these words.
But they refuse to be silent.
In my dreaming, the words are pictures.
They show me glimpses of what I want.
Corpses with my […]
Today.
21 january.
One year.
One year of self-harm.
One year of cuts.
21 january.
21 january 2012.
The day.
The day I started cutting.
Cutting on my hands.
Cutting on my feet.
Cutting on my hips.
Cutting on my belly.
Cutting on my lower arms.
Cutting on my wrists.
Cutting on my chest.
I can remember that day as yesterday. Saturday 21 january 2012. I grabbed a scissors and started to scrape and scrape on my hand until there was a little scar with a very little bit of blood. I did it, couldn’t go back. Well, it doesn’t matter, right? It was just […]