i want to live in my head, it’s just so. so. so. comfortable there. it’s like a treehouse with sunshine through the leaves and birds singing and a stream and frogs and flying squirrels and everything is so nice. it’s like the childhood i’d always dreamed of when i was a kid. i want to stay there forever. i’m so tired. i’m so in pain all the time. my body always hurts and there’s so many decisions to make and things to do and i have to keep my room clean and i feel like puking. My head has so much that doesn’t exist and […]
Category:
Rants
the way my life is is really my fault but im trying to change it and its not workingg
I’m in my 40s and am just burnt out on everything.
I used to enjoy my job, but the company has made changes over the last year and it has become increasingly Sisyphean. If you’re not familiar with Sisyphus, he was a man from Greek mythology who did something to piss off one of the gods. I don’t remember what and I’m not going to bother Googling it. No one cares what the humans did anyway. Prometheus stole fire, that’s the only one everybody remembers. But everyone remembers the Greek gods’ punishments. Sisyphus was cursed to roll a massive boulder up a hill for all eternity. […]
I’m tired. Really I’m to exhausted to feel anything most days or I am intensely angry at everything. Sometimes I’ll get random bursts of giddiness and just laugh for no reason, with abnormally high self esteem and feel like god, but eventually something little sets me off and I spiral down.
I was never really scared to die and I still don’t value my life that much. Suicide has always felt like something positive to me. Back in November I nearly killed myself. I remember very clearly- the day of I was tired and tearful because some online friend of mine was going to commit suicide, […]
I want to tell my story but I know it will be taken as a joke, or ignored like some kind of terrible fable or fairytale. The worse fairytale ever written and it’s my life. I want to tell my story but even if i did nobody will ever be able to relate to it, i have nowhere to go anymore as if i ever did. I thought maybe i could engineer my way out of my nightmare but no, it just persists. I don’t even want to talk about it really but i thought maybe just maybe if i was EXTREMELY lucky I’d find […]
(I promise the intro is relevant)
Being told I was a gifted kid in elementary and middle school was such bullshit! All I did was read and kind of understand assignments sometimes and because of that I never developed any sort of work ethic, or probably any ethics in general.
Now as a senior (literally 3 months from graduating, its so close and so far) I can’t do anything. I skip half my classes, don’t do my homework unless I’m actively in class, smoke weed all day, and am generally a tumor on my family’s hard work. Every generation has put in […]
One of the many factors that make me want to simply stop existing is school. Or rather, the expectations of my superiors – be it, parents or teachers. If a student is stressed to the point that their first reaction to school is utter panic and dread, it should be clear that something is wrong. As I’m currently writing this, I’m trying to stave off the urge to run away as far as I can.
I am occasionally convinced that no one in this world will ever love me. I don’t know if it’s true. I am experiencing one of these occasions currently.
I have people that will tell me they love me, if I ask. This causes me immense guilt. I know there are folks who don’t have this grace.
Nevertheless, I don’t believe any affirmations. It is because I feel they hardly know me. I am an anxious person. I am an introverted person. I don’t like new situations. I don’t like new people. Even the few people I’ve known for years feel like strangers to me. I […]
I can’t sleep, and I have to get up for work in 2 hours. All that’s going through my mind is worries, or the same ideation shit. I just want to sleep until this nightmare is over.
i really need to kill myself, at least this year or two.
i have no future, i don’t want to be homeless and wander the street for my entire life. i need to get over my fear of death and dying so i can finally kill myself and fulfill my pathetic destiny.
i was born to be nothing, i’m a worthless unlovable asshole. i have a method to kill myself, i just need to actually do it without my paranoia stopping me.
no one is going to save me from this home, no one wants to be around me, i have no life or future ahead of me. […]
i have an abusive older brother, im sure i’ve mentioned him in some comments/posts, thats why i desperately look for another older brother. or at least someone that i can look up to, someone who cares about me. i’ll be vague for the time being, im afraid if i go into too much detail with what my brother did to me and the aftermath, i’ll probably get in trouble.
near the end of 2017, i believe i was 12-13ish and was in middle school. i dont know why i was called in to the offices, but they did a home checkup on me. as in, they […]
It was nearly Halloween last time I came on here, and since then I have managed to accomplish everything and nothing at the same time.
I finally got over the nausea from when I consumed what my body demanded was my fuel, but my brain swore was my poison. Only now I seem to be living off of sugar-free bubblegum and diet coke. Only now I cannot seem to break free from the chokehold the white ceramic bowl sitting in my bathroom has on me. I cannot seem to break free from the numbers- the numbers on the scale, the numbers on every package […]
My depression is overwhelming today. It’s hard just to breathe. I do not want to exist. I have never wanted to exist. As a small child, I asked a mall Santa to die. Things got situationally better for a while, but I have never, even at the best of times, wanted to actually live.
Now, I’m in a cycle of continuous emotional and professional abuse. I am so beaten down that I can’t escape. Every decision I make just pushes me deeper into the fire. And that’s the way it feels. It used to feel like I was drowning on dry land. Now, it feels like I’m […]
It’s another one of those periodic times where suicidal thoughts come and go as they please inside my head.
This is the third time this feeling of “could someone just kill me now” has infiltrated my head. It is raining heavily outside and the weather has been cold for a few days in a row now. I am missing my targets for the day again, I just want to end.
Driven to Suicide for Reporting Discrimination, Bullying, and Retaliation
by penumbral
written by penumbral
3 mins read
I reported a coworker for harassment and discrimination to HR after speaking to him directly, speaking to my management, and my management’s management with no improvement. All I have ever wanted was the sexist remarks and bullying to stop. Instead, I got years of horrible retaliation and more abuse.
I believed the mandatory training that says that good faith reports will not be retaliated against. Everything that the training said would not happen happened short of being fired, and they are trying that now.
I was stupid. I didn’t think about the fact that my abuser was extremely good friends with my immediate […]
Ever let the anxiety sink ,the rage boil up
Ferment the pain, and bottle it up
Reflecting on the past like it ain’t slow enough
Mom’s always sad that I ain’t growing up
Pills help me cope but I’m still fucking up
Fuck going outside, the moon aint show enough
I laugh about death like I ain’t dark enough?
Friends ran away? I guess they stalked enough?
Fam patient with my death like who’s taking what?
keep a sharp angle, latitudes of my cuts
Force you to be strong like you ain’t had enough
have the nerve to ask what’s wrong…
God ain’t fucking […]
even as i write this, it feels like a lie. maybe it is a lie. maybe i’m just desperate for attention. but here we are.
i dont know how i feel. i always think i begin to, but as soon as i feel emotion it disappears. not out of thin air, but i’ll sit and think “is this real? do i feel this? are you sure? are you doing this for attention?” and it kills me. i don’t know who i am or what i think. i feel so disconnected from my body and mind. i feel this way even as i sit and write […]
i wish i had more friends or at least people to talk to, i wish i could just stop having this dreadful feeling deep inside me when im drawing, playing games, or doing literally anything. i wish i could stop being or feeling like im big tumor on the people i love, and that the people i love dont give a shit about me. unless thats actually true, which im always wondering if it is or not
i hate being so stupid, so mentally ill, so me, i wish i was someone else. i wish i was someone lovable, someone interesting and someone worth being friends […]
lately i’ve constantly felt disconnected. i’ve felt things around me but i haven’t at the same time. my problems are all popping up left and right and i’m honestly just trying to figure out how to cope. i don’t think i’ve ever felt so alone then i do in these moments. i’ve lost friends left and right and i can’t help but feel disgusted when thinking of myself. I’ve been reading a lot more about how to do it and i’m nervous bc i want too so bad. i know i shouldnt and i don’t even have a method but i’m just trying. i want […]
how come whenever i’m just existing, i have this dreadful feeling? this sinking feeling in my gut and throat that my friends don’t love me, my parents dislike me, and the world is better off with me dead? i could be happy one moment, then shoot myself down in my own head by reminding me on how miserable i make the people around me.
im scared of death, but i want to die. im scared of the afterlife, or the lack of one. am i a good enough person to go to heaven? one day ill die, whether it be by my hand, someone else’s hand, […]