It’s been a while. I think the last time I posted I was feeling decent. Now I just kinda don’t know. I feel like crap. There’s nobody I can full on talk to about how I feel without making them uncomfortable or without them telling somebody who might worry. People worrying about me and overreacting is the last thing I want. I just want someone to understand where I’m coming from and listen without freaking out or being inconsiderate. As of right now it’s 11:04 p.m. and about half an hour ago I realized how worthless I kinda am. Nobody really wants me. If I […]
Category:
Rants
It doesn’t seem worth living. Being chronically ill is a handful to say the least. Living with multiple physical and mental illnesses is ridiculously hard and is very damaging to overall quality of life. I’ve been through enough in these 23 years. From abuse to abusing myself, I have just had enough.
I have a fascination with ending my life. It’s always been an option for me since I was a kid. I’ve attempted multiple times but they weren’t lethal enough. The best way I’ve tried is partial hanging but after I black out the flight kicks in and my eyes shoot open and […]
Hi guys.
I don’t really know why I’m here. I guess I just needed some place to vent. I’ve been thinking about suicide again lately. It’s the first time in three years. The last time I attempted didn’t go so well. I was a cutter before I tried, so I guess I wanted to go out that way too. My mom came and stopped me, and I went to the hospital for twelve days, and another for six more. I don’t know why, but I idealized that time in my life. I was in love with my sorrow. Now I’m in that place again.
The last time […]
hello.
I won’t be mentioning much of myself, rather I’ll just mention what has been on my mind for the past few hours. I’m in a loop of wanting to end my life and waiting for myself to get better. My thoughts aren’t pleasant right now, though. I was recently diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder, you can look up what that is), and everyday is me worrying about skewing up even more than where I’m at right now. I have no motivation to do my homework, and when I do, I fail it anyway because I put no efforts into my current major I’m stuck […]
I can’t write very well, nor sing or dance very well. I can’t play music very well, and I also can’t speak to people in public. I can’t make conversation without being awkward, I can’t keep eye contact with anyone. I am not good at any sport. I don’t know how to do math (I’m turning 22 soon and I don’t know how to do algebra.) I can’t hear or see as good as I used to, and I’m so young that that shouldn’t even matter. I am too afraid to go to the store on my own, but I’m also too shy to make […]
I’m crying a lot. I’m a fucking slave. There’s no freedom for me in this horrible world. I feel so horrible.
But I. Can’t. Leave. Without my uniform. I need the uniform. I need the uniform. I don’t know how to get the money to buy it (hell maybe I’ll go offer myself in the streets, although they pay a misery) but I need the uniform. I need it before I die. I need it, it’s the only thing that ties me here. It’s the only thing that will prove me I’ve made it, and that I can leave.
I’m still crying, but nobody cares.
I’m pretty sure no one will read this anyways but, for those who do, welcome. I’m sorry in advance if I sound bitter or whiney or if I complain too damn much but I need to get this out… The longer I hold all this pain in, the more it rips me apart from the outside…
I say from time to time that I’m good at hiding how I feel but that’s not really true. I’m good at hiding I’m suicidal and weird… But I can’t myself look happy or act it anymore. I can sometimes and there are times that are easier than others but […]
In my long 19 years of life I’ve had 3 unsuccessful suicide attempts. After the 3rd time I was convinced I was indestructible. Im stuck in a world I don’t want to be a part of. It sucks to be a woman in a world like this.. You are viewed as a sex object no matter how high up in the social ladder u are. It sucks even more when u recognize the game players play. I SEE IT. This is why I’m alone..I don’t want to be a piece of meat to some piece of shit. I remember when I stopped loving myself 2 […]
Being short has affected me since I was young. It started some time during elementary school. I was always the shortest guy but I was able to cope with it since I figured I would catch up eventually. Same story during middle school. Same with highschool. Slowly it started bothering me more and more until I realized I’m a degenerate. I stopped growing when I was around age 12 or 13 and my final height is 5’5 and 1/2. I gave up on life when I was 16.5. I am currently 21.5.
I used to be very athletic. It wasn’t a hobby to me, it […]
I hated how my community view suicide as an cowardly, attention seeking and impulsive act. At least when I tried that several years ago, it wasn’t anything like that.
It’s a long story if you want me to talk about what lead to my attempt. My life has been absolutely exhausting, and there’s just no way for it to get any better. I had contemplated and planned my for my death for a very long time. However, committing to my decision to kill myself actually required a great deal of time and determination. It was actually pretty difficult to drown out that little voice in my […]
I feel like I’m playing the victim, I never wanted to be a drama queen I actually hate when I act like that, considering all the suffering in this world I feel like I have no right to complain. I mean yeah I never met my father and my mother is… well I wouldn’t even know how to start with her, let’s just say that she taught me to hate myself. But a lot of people have problems with their parents it’s not like I’m a special case or something. I have every opportunity to succeeding in life like any other college student my age, […]
“Happiness is an illusion”
its true.
But right now i would give anything to fall into this illusion and let it embrace me.
Everyday is becoming an impossible task to get through. To get through the “Hey why are you looking so depressed?” to hiding the cuts on my hands.
I always used to say that “Music is my escape, an escape from reality”. Now? It doesnt make me happy anymore.
Everyday i end up falling to the floor crying because me body is physically tired of maintaining this facade of the perfect person. There is a black […]
So today I woke to after having my phone turned off all night, that my ex tried contacting me threw social media .
So now my head is spinning I was already feeling crappy and thinking about what would have happen if I stood in Tahoe months ago . Then bam. Just for fun updat your ex tried to follow you. BAM baseball bat to the chest of emotions and anxiety.
Seconds later my father comes into the house to tell me or to see what’s wrong with me . lecturering me on how I gave up too easily on every thing ,expeciely on my […]
Unfortunately I was forced into the mental institute twice for suicide attempts and because of that, I can no longer buy a gun legally. They put a hold on me which if I remember correctly was the lifelong hold.
I could have been gone by now, it could have been so easy..
I find it pretty silly how we are born into this world forcefully because of selfish reproduction but we as individuals aren’t even given the option to leave feasibly. A sick joke indeed.
I was pretty traumatized by something and every second of everyday I think about it. Every second of everyday, every single second […]
Just as soon as I thought this school year was gonna be alright. Turns out I was completely wrong.
My so-called bestfriend turned her back towards me. She ignores me like I don’t exist.
One time they played volleyball. One player backed out so my ‘bestfriend’ asked for replacements. i excitedly said “ME!” but the moment I did so, she became disappointed and sad. So I wanted to back out. But then I decided to think “oh maybe it’s just in my head.” Then, before i joined, she was energetic and playing real hard. But as I joined, she became lousy and as if she wanted to […]
After 4 days of pure hell on earth I quit taking my meds. Before you all freak out here’s what I have to say. I was only on the lowest dose of Effexor for only 4 days ( as I stated above) when I called it quits (which would be today). So it’s not like they bumped me up to the highest dosage possible and I just said “screw it I’m not going to take it.” (I know the risks of suddenly stopping when you take higher dosages of meds). I’m not taking it anymore because of a horrible side effect I got from it, nausea. […]
Junk fucked grunge and grime and became punk in time followed by this dope laced rhyme is blue lips and rolled back eyes with a rope tied tight you might find the right side of life when every body is done crying at your funeral they go back home and do the same thing as you but they don’t understand the point of view you had and why you choose to tie ropes to rocks and throw those hopes over the beam tied real tight so you could kick the chair from under your feet in the same place under that bridge you used […]
If any of you have been following some of my posts until now (which I highly doubt) you may or may not know that I’m in love with my best friend. Of course, she was the one who sent me to the friendzone. Of course I’ve been there every time some asshole has broken her heart. Of course, I’ve been there telling her how every single guy she likes is a complete idiot (and this isn’t because I like her). And naturally, she doesn’t have the slightest clue about that.
But now she found someone… different. This time she took the next step into being in […]
“This must be what death feels like”.
My body felt so cold and numb. My skin was dry, and my intake of air was obviously obstructed. I sat by the window of my dorm room on a Friday night, similar to many others, with a bundle of my twine twisting between my fingers.
I usually try to convince myself of ending my life on Friday or Saturday because it’s ideal for my roommates to be gone while I try to liberate myself from this absurdity. I have participated in suicidal gestures – even if they would be unbeknownst to anyone else. A full attempt usually is rather […]
Recently my therapist proscribed me Effexer for my depression and anxiety but it seems like it made it a bit worse? I’ve been feeling extremely nauseous after taking the pill, my heart rate picks up for no reason (I’m wondering if it’s just me having some sort of anxiety attack or it’s the pill?), I’ve felt weak and I’m trembling randomly. Anyone else have those symptoms while on this medication??? I just started it two days ago so maybe my body’s adjusting?