This movie was my awakening as a young man, the movie is called Hair from 1979 and it has an interesting relationship to the counter cultural movement. It is an idealistic picture of what the counterculture of the 1960s was based on my research. My parents didn’t find it very accurate. None of my family did. This was my teen rebellion, becoming bisexual and liberal.

I found somewhere to put my anger and passion that aligned with my values. At the same time behind the scenes the hook and reel were baited to pull me back towards conservative society; women suddenly found me exotic, specifically conservative […]

All these plans and I probably don’t have what it takes to see even half of them come true. Had a job interview today. Was about an hour and half. Went ok until it didn’t. Pretty bad at answering engineering questions. The stuff I would be doing. You could tell they weren’t exactly impressed. No big deal. Not really that interested in the job anyways. I was a lot less interested before the interview because I didn’t understand somethings, but still not something I’m super excited to be working on. Doubt I’ll get a call […]

I don’t feel like writing down reasons and causes on a tear stained collage ruled notebook page but I can’t leave without a final message. From a mediocre ap student who’s essays were always a little too amateur, this is the most grand writing I will ever put out into the world. I know no one will read this or see it, certainly not my family or friends, but screaming into the void is a perfect conclusion to my life. I’ve never been special, I always thought I was somehow destined for grandeur. I now see that mindset as a coping mechanism for my overall […]

I’m already a bit depressed about the new job, which isn’t good. I’m sure I’ll rally once I’m working. Money is quite an anti depressant. Also I get to be outdoors and driving, both of which I enjoy.  There’s more to enjoy in the job,  there are just philosophical and moral issues.

The gig is inspecting houses for insurance  purposes  and for the purpose of after a house is already in bank ownership/ mortgage default. I’ll be a contractor and the money is sort of decent. I still need to find out the hours.

The fact is I don’t work for anything but evil companies, so  finding […]

What is even normal these days? Can you define it?

I do hope that the people from here I fell out of contact with, whether due to life or other circumstances, wherever you are, I hope you are all okay.

I was not in a good place when I met these people, and even though I was losing it for a bit, I met people who I felt a level of kinship with, and hope they managed to get somewhere good in their lives.

I sometimes go through emails and old chats, and I feel like that version of myself is so far removed from the person I am today.

I miss how much I cared for people […]

At what percentage is your wish to die? For me it’s like I want to die at a 90 percent sometimes 99 percent desire out of 100 but there’s this 10 percent that keeps me here

Most of you know I have an extensive career in mental health and social work what most of you may not know is that I have a weird level of research into Scientology that goes a lot further than most people’s does.

I was just listening to some Scientology music, which is a level of nerdery so high that I realized I’m in far too deep and needed to come out as it were. It is my understanding that most people have watched the South Park epsidode about Scientology so they understand the Xenu methos, and they know about ol L. Ron being a huge fraud […]

This will not be useful for everyone, nor do i mean to insert any sort of toxic positivity into this place. I simply wish to share the things that are helping me and are useful to me. I dont know what the answers are, but im finding my own answer, and if this happens to be other people’s answer too, then I feel it would be only right to share it so as to bring long awaited healing to some.

Meditation is simple, and has been helping me a lot. That, and gratitude lists. Every morning, I meditate, and every evening I do another meditation. After, […]

Do you ever feel like this life is a prison

Here we go again.

I’ve been watching porn for almost 12 years. My mom told me never to watch it when I was 9, but I got curious and did and I could never stop. I’ve wanted to since before I started. I never really wanted to do it.

It just gets more and more messed up and everytime I ask myself why? And I want to stop doing it and then I do it again. It’s paradoxical. It’s an addiction I suppose.

More and more I think about self harm and suicide recently. Just ideas. I threw away my pills why did I do that. I wouldn’t […]

Thought this was funny:
(edit- pic should now show)

I wish more people would think before procreating. The younger generation (Z, Alpha) are finally getting it- but people in MY generation and older- holy cow- the default was always popping out children left and right because “it’s what you’re supposed to do.” -_-

I know that many people would notice if I disappeared but thats because I am such a pain in the ass. Maybe it would be easier for everyone to not have to deal with me. I am only a burden to people. I care and love so much and I believe that its just too much and to overbearing for most people. I thought I was doing better. Even with everything I have been through, (abuse, ptsd, depression, etc) I thought I was gonna be okay. After my last attempt, I fully believed that I want to be here. Sometimes I really do […]

I always imagined that I wouldn’t live a very long life. My dream when I was a child was to be an alcoholic, because I thought they were honest.

I think that most of what I’ve known in my life is pain and sorrow. All the good things I’ve felt have been momentary. But pain and sadness have always been with me. It’s almost comforting because of how familiar it is…

I don’t particularly want to kill myself. In the gospel it says that those who endure until the end will be saved. Maybe I can be saved just by not forcing my own end? I hope […]

@dying2die- i think you mentioned your fascination with famous model deaths. This just happened to come across my feed. Think you might find this interesting:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-3BAk3s_uQ&ab_channel=UNTAMED

Successful, beautiful and dead…

One of the 2 receptionists keeps lying to me about dates/times not being available. In the past, I would just call and hope I’d get the guy- the other receptionist- and he usually books the date/time I requested. But now she’s got him to lie and refuse to make the appts as well. Then one day they were both leaving an hour early and some other guy who I’ve never seen before was covering the front desk. Lo and behold- he’s able to make the appts for me for the dates/times I want and gave me no issues.

I’m sick […]

I personally dislike AI, but sometimes it does make something funny, and my wife made something funny with AI this time because I don’t force her to share my distastes. For context here I’m a white man and she’s a white woman. Granted we both have complex backgrounds, but the AI got a lot wrong here.

So she decided to feed one of our vacation photos into an AI filter because it was popular, totally normal. It was a picture of us cuddling on a seat going up the Gateway Arch in St. Louis Missouri. The first thing that several of the filters turned us into […]

What do you guys think?

00:02 – 00:59 The Dangers of Fluorescent Lighting
01:00 – 01:49 The Disappearance of Waiting and Anticipation
01:56 – 02:59 The Plight of Placelessness in Modern Spaces
03:01 – 03:51 Disconnect from Nature and Grounding
04:07 – 05:09 The Weaponization of Nostalgia in Marketing
05:11 – 06:09 Public Spaces: Where Have They Gone?
06:09 – 07:17 Modern Architecture and Its Coldness
07:17 – 08:18 Nature Deprivation and Its Effects
08:18 – 09:28 The Overload of Choices in Life
09:28 – 10:31 The Hidden Dangers of Sitting

Well I finally got my answer. I got accepted. Without funding. Meaning no go. I’m just happy to have an answer after all this time. Not the answer I wanted, but an answer. Now I got to find a job. For the next year anyway. I plan to apply to more PhD programs. I know I’m not qualified. For work or academics. I’m completely out of my depth. But I got to make it work. Because it’s what I want. Even though I know for a fact I’m not good enough. […]